So what are you saying, Crystal? That it's over? That you want to stay with him? His voice trembled as he asked her, not in anger but in terror.
But her eyes filled with tears as she answered. She wanted to walk out of her dressing room, holding Spencer's hand, and walk straight to the nearest church and get married. But she also knew she couldn't do that. Not yet anyway. Not for a while. She wanted to handle the situation with Ernie very gently. And she had made a good point before, he could have been a powerful enemy if he was angry. And he would have had a right to be if she just dumped him after all his kindness.
I need time. I need time to talk to him, to finish this picture, and then tell him I need to live alone or something like that. But I can't just do it in a week, Spencer. It took you three years with Elizabeth. Give me a month, or two at least. I want to do this very gently. And I'm in the middle of a movie.
Why so long? Because you're afraid he'll damage your career or because you love him? He still wasn't sure what she felt for the man or why she felt so indebted to him. He didn't understand the intricacies of the way Ernie worked, or how he played on her sense of obligation, her fears, and her conscience.
Because I think I owe him that. As a courtesy, if nothing else. You don't just walk out on a man who does that much for you. And I still want him to be my manager after I leave him.
That might not even be smart, Crystal. And for chrissake, there are plenty of others.
Not as good as Ernie. He had convinced her of that too, and it made Spencer angry again, listening to her. It sounded as though they were going to be stuck with the guy forever.
You sound like Elizabeth when she talks about McCarthy. Christ, I come home from the war and all I want to do is settle down and have a normal life, and everyone is up to their eyebrows in their goddamn careers. Except me. Cute, isn't it? He was feeling sorry for himself, but Crystal wasn't sure she blamed him. She was only grateful he still wanted her after hearing about Ernie. Some men would have walked out when she told them.
You'll find a job here. The studios might even hire you. They all have battalions of lawyers. She wanted to suggest that Ernie find something for him, but she didn't dare, and it would be a while before she could ask Ernie to do that.
What do you want me to do while I wait for you, Crystal? He didn't understand what the rules were, and she gently reached a hand out to him as she answered.
Just be patient. I'm sorry about all this. She looked embarrassed as she lowered her eyes, and he leaned over and kissed her silky hair, and then tilted her chin up to him so that he could see her.
Don't worry about it. I deserved it. It could have been a lot worse. You could have told me to go screw myself. I'm damn lucky you'll still have me.
I love you ' She whispered the words as he held her, and then there was a soft knock on the door, to tell her that she was in another scene in ten minutes. She looked up at Spencer unhappily, not wanting him to go but she had to go back to work again, and then she had to think of a way to tell Ernie. What are you going to do now?
Can you spend any time with me at all, or is it too awkward? He knew it only too well from his own situation with Elizabeth and the Barclays.
I don't think I can. Her eyes were sad as he kissed her again and she wanted him never to leave her.
Then I'll go back to San Francisco. I'll call you in a few days. And hurry up, will you please? he teased. He was unhappy about her situation but he could live with it for a short time. It was his fault it had happened in a way, and although he didn't like it, he didn't condemn her for it. It could have been a lot worse. She could have fallen in love with someone else and gotten married. Hell, she could have had two kids by then. What had happened was unpleasant but at least she still loved him.
He kissed her long and hard before he left, and she couldn't bear the thought of losing him again, but it wouldn't be for long this time. And she knew where he was now. She could call him, and he had promised to call her and tell her how things were progressing in his own life. Once he told Elizabeth, he was planning to be back in California in a few weeks, to start looking for work, and by then she would almost be through with the picture, and, he hoped, would have started solving the problem with Ernie. They had to find a place to live, and there was a lot to think about now. It gave them both hope, as Spencer kissed her again and held her close to him, remembering the sweet perfume of her body.
I hate to leave you again, he said softly.
So do I. She smiled. But it wouldn't be long this time, and when they were together again, it would be forever.
I'll be back soon. He promised as she nodded. They both had a lot to do in the next month, a lot of obstacles to overcome before they could be together.
And then with a last kiss, he left her dressing room and she walked out with him, and stood watching him go with a look of tenderness in her eyes that told the whole story. And as he waved at her, and she waved back, silently so as not to disturb the actors working on the set, neither of them saw Ernie watching from the back of the sound stage.
Spencer went back and checked out of the hotel that afternoon. It wasn't the weekend he had planned, and he was still shocked to realize she was living with someone else, but he had to be fair, he was still living with Elizabeth too. And he knew it was partly his fault that Crystal had given up hope and gotten involved with Ernie. He didn't like it anyway, and he was anxious for her to get out of it. And he was also worried about her contract. He suspected that there was a lot more to it than Ernie had told her.
He flew back to San Francisco that night, and rented a car, and without knowing where he was going, he started driving north. His thoughts were full of her, and all he could think of was how she had looked when he'd kissed her in the tiny dressing room. All the same feelings between them were still there except that they had gotten stronger.
He reached Napa at ten o'clock, and kept driving after that. He was thinking of stopping at a motel, and then he saw the signs, and knew why he had come that way. He was paying tribute to the past, and the child she had been when he met her. It was eleven when he drove through town, and he stopped outside the ranch. The fence was closed and the house was hidden by the trees, but he wondered if the swing was still there. He hadn't been there in six years. And it had been seven since he first met her.
He stopped at a motel and tried to look the Websters up in the directory, but there was no listing for them, and he no longer remembered where they lived. And he hadn't come here to see them. He had come here for her, and what she had once been. Before Hollywood, before the war, before Elizabeth, and the man Crystal was living with, before all of them ' when he had first seen her in the white dress at her sister's wedding. It had all been so simple then, at the very beginning.
He sat in the car for a long time and then slowly started it up again. He had his own life to think of now, he had given them both a month. It didn't seem like much now, but it had seemed like a lot that afternoon. He stopped and ate dinner somewhere, in a town he didn't know, and it took him six hours after that to get to Lake Tahoe. He drove over the Donner Pass just as the sun came up, and all he could think of was the girl he'd left at MGM, the woman he loved and was going to marry.
He parked the car, and let himself into the house, and then he tiptoed up the stairs to the bedroom where Elizabeth was sleeping in their bed. And as he undressed, she stirred and glanced at him with a sleepy look.
You're back? She was still half asleep.
He nodded, afraid to say more. He was too tired to say anything. And he had promised himself he'd wait until they left Lake Tahoe. Go back to sleep was all he said to her, but she sat up in bed, watching him intently.
I thought you weren't coming back until Sunday.
I wrapped things up faster than I thought. Too fast, and not fast enough. He had wanted to spend the weekend with Crystal.
Where were you? Elizabeth was studying him as he got undressed and he avoided her eyes as he slipped into bed
beside her.
I told you. Los Angeles. I had some business to take care of.
And did you? Her voice was cool, and she was wide awake now.
More or less. I couldn't see everyone I wanted to, that's why I came back early.
She nodded, not sure that she believed him. She had sensed something different about him for days, ever since he came back in fact, and she wondered what he was up to. Do you want to talk about it?
Not particularly. I've been driving all night. He closed his eyes, hoping that she would stop talking, but she didn't.
Why didn't you stay at the house in San Francisco?
I wanted to get back.
That was nice of you. He wasn't sure if she was being sarcastic or not, and the last thing he wanted to do was ask her. Are you feeling better about things yet? She chatted on as though it were the middle of the afternoon and Spencer groaned as he opened his eyes and looked at her sitting beside him.
For chrissake, Elizabeth. Why don't we talk about it in the morning?
It is morning. The sun was up and the birds had already started singing.
Yes, I'm feeling better. Much, after seeing Crystal.
Do you want to talk about it? She was looking for something, and if she probed long enough she was going to find it.
Not particularly. There's nothing to talk about. Not yet. Not with their families in rooms all around them. For two weeks they had had no privacy, and he wanted at least that when he told her he wanted to end their marriage.
I think there's a lot to talk about. I'm not stupid, you know. He suddenly wondered as he sat up next to her if she knew about Crystal. But there was no way she could, unless she had had him followed. I know things have been bothering you. Your father and I talked about it a few days ago. It's not easy coming home from war. I know that. It hasn't been easy for me either.
He felt sorry for her suddenly, and he wondered how much his father had said. He wished he hadn't gotten involved, and talked to Elizabeth about it. You've been a hell of a good sport for all these years. He reached for a cigarette, wishing he could say more to her, say that he still loved her. If he ever had. He wasn't even sure of that anymore. His feelings for Crystal had eclipsed everything, and his relationship with Elizabeth had always been so different.
We'll get used to each other again. She said it gently as she looked at him, and there was gentleness there. It made him feel as though he had betrayed her. And he had, a long time since. He knew for sure now that they should never have gotten married.
Are you sure you really want to? He was leading up to something he hadn't wanted to say to her until they left the lake, but she was forcing his hand, and in a minute he was going to have to tell her.
I think so. That's why I waited for you all this time. I happen to think you're worth it. She smiled and it made him feel worse. His father was right. He did owe her something. But not the rest of his life. That was too much to ask. Too high a price to pay for the years she had waited for him.
You're a hell of a woman, Elizabeth. But too much so. She was a lot more than he wanted to cope with. She had her own ideas, her own ways, her own house, and her family surrounding her, which he had to contend with. There was no room in the scheme of it for him, or at least that was how he felt. With Crystal he could build a new life. He could do everything for her. He could share the beginnings of her career, start a new life, have kids. And all of that mattered to him. I don't know what to say to you. He turned to her then, and she saw it all in his face. I don't think I can go on with this. I don't think we should have ever gotten married.
It's a little late now, don't you think? After all this time? She looked angry and hurt, but not surprised. She'd been waiting for this for days. Even before his father had talked to her, she had known it was coming. Judge Hill had told her that Spencer was feeling a little unbalanced and she was going to have to be very patient. And as far as she was concerned, she already had been. Three years' worth.
I've been gone for three years. We had two weeks before that. And we've changed. We both have. I don't want the same things I did. And you have your work. We hardly knew each other when I left, and in the last three years we've become strangers.
I can't help that. That's just the way it is. But after waiting three years, I'm not going to call it quits now, if that's what you're suggesting. Her eyes were hard as rocks, and he could feel his heart sink as he watched her.
Why? Why not? Why go on with it? We're only going to make each other unhappy. He was trying to reason with her, but he could see that she didn't want to hear it.
Not necessarily. We have a lot to offer each other. We always did, I always thought so.
And I always had doubts. I told you that when we got engaged.
And I told you I didn't care. We have exactly what we need to make a good marriage. Good careers, bright minds, interesting lives, those are the things that the best marriages are made of.
Not where I come from. What about love, tenderness, loyalty, children? But how loyal had he and Crystal been to each other? They were both living with other people. He tried not to think about it as he talked to Elizabeth. But whatever they had, it was more than he and Elizabeth would ever dream of.
You read too many novels. You've been away from real life for too long, Spencer. Sure, those things are important, but they're the window dressing, not the foundation. But everything she said told him what he already knew. That they were just too different. The same things didn't matter to them. He wanted love. And she wanted big business.
What do you feel for me? He turned to her suddenly with a look of anguish. I mean really? What do you feel when I lie next to you in bed at night? Passion, love, desire, friendship? Or do you feel as lonely as I am. They had only made love once since he'd been back, and it had been a disaster.
I feel sorry for you. She looked him in the eye and spoke very coolly. I think you're looking for something that doesn't exist. You always have been. But what if he told her he had found it? He didn't want to tell her that, though. He wanted to leave her, but there was no need to hurt her unduly. He didn't want that. He just wanted his life back. But it was obvious that she didn't want to give it to him. I think you're a dreamer' . And I think you have to start living in the world around you, the world we live in, Spencer. A world full of important people with important careers. They're all doing useful things, they're not sitting around holding hands with their wives and fawning over their children.
Then I feel sorry for them, and for you, if that's how you see it.
You have to pull yourself together, get a job in Washington, start making friends, seeing the people who count '
Like the people your father knows? He cut her off, his eyes beginning to burn with anger. He was sick and tired of them, and their constant search for ever greater importance. What was important to them didn't matter one whit to him. Especially now, after three years in Korea.
Yes, like them. What's wrong with them?
Nothing. Except that I don't like them.
You're lucky they even talk to you. She was angry at him too. She was tired of his looking uncomfortable at every party they went to. You're lucky I married you. And you're even luckier that I'm too smart to divorce you. You're going to make something of yourself one day, and I'm going to see to it that you do it. And one day, Spencer Hill, you'll thank me.
He looked at her and he laughed. He laughed until the tears rolled down his cheeks. She was the most self-centered woman he'd ever met, and she was sure she was right. But she was also a force to contend with.
What exactly are you planning to make of me, Elizabeth? How about president? Or king? That might be fun ' actually, I might like that.
Don't be a fool. You could be anything you wanted to be. Every door in Washington is open to you, right up to the Cabinet, if you play your cards right.
And if I don't want to play?
That's your choice. But I meant what I said. If you want a divorce, I'm not going
to give it to you. He hadn't even asked her yet, but he already had his answer.
Why would you want to stay married if I don't? He couldn't understand it, but she was very clear about how she felt and she laid it on the line as she got up and looked down at him with an expression of pure iron.
I'm not going to let you embarrass me after all this time. I waited for you, now you have to pay your dues. The price isn't all that high if you give it some thought. You could do worse. And then, as an afterthought, Besides, I happen to love you. It might have touched him to hear it if she'd said it differently and a little sooner.
I'm not sure you know the meaning of the word.
Maybe not. She looked unmoved. But in that case, Spencer, you can teach me. And with that, she walked into the bathroom, and locked the door behind her. He heard her run her bath, and half an hour later, she emerged again, looking pristine, in white slacks and an impeccably pressed white silk shirt, white shoes, her pearls clasped around her neck, and a pair of pearl and diamond earrings. She was a pretty girl, but nothing about her touched him or warmed him. Are you coming down for breakfast or do you want to get some sleep? They both knew he wouldn't be able to get back to sleep, but he looked awful. The night had taken its toll on him, and the morning hadn't been much better. The news that she wouldn't divorce him put a knife in his heart that was so full of Crystal.
I'll come down in a while.
Good. And we're expected at the Houstons' today for lunch. I'm sure you'll be pleased to hear it.
Thrilled. But in an odd way, he felt relieved after talking to her. At least he no longer had to make the pretense that he could hardly wait to get on with their marriage. She knew where he stood, and unfortunately he also knew where she did. He looked at her again as she prepared to leave the room. Are you serious, Liz? His voice was gentle. He wanted to make her see how hopeless it was for them to stay together.
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