by Liz Isaacson
And she didn’t want to start a new year differently than how she’d end it. Not again. She wasn’t a child anymore, and if Eli couldn’t open his eyes and see her standing there, her arms and heart open to him and Stockton, she needed to move on.
She still had time to find someone else, maybe go through the adoption process or fostering program to build a family.
So she pointed to the theater room and said, “You want to watch the movie?”
Eli turned his attention from the hot tub, where another couple had decided to take their New Year’s party, and smiled. “Sure, a movie’s fine.”
The brilliance of his smile nearly knocked Meg over, and she wondered if she’d ever be able to move on if their relationship ended. A tremor of terror shook her legs, but she managed to walk to the door and push it open.
The family staying at the lodge and the last couple had chosen the movie, so the theater was fairly empty. She kept going straight and moved down the back row to the far wall. Out of sight. Maybe she’d be able to talk to Eli here. Whisper her love for him and beg him to say it back.
Don’t do that, she told herself as she sat in the luxury recliner. Eli lifted the armrest between them and sat beside her, waiting for her to snuggle into his side before he put his arm around her and lifted his leg rest.
They watched a few minutes of the movie, Meg’s anxiety playing leapfrog with itself until she was so nervous she couldn’t concentrate.
Eli pressed his lips to her temple and said, “What’s wrong?”
She lifted herself up to look at him, and the light from the movie played over his handsome features, illuminating concern and compassion.
I love you.
I love you.
I’m in love with you.
She couldn’t make the words come out of her mouth. So she kissed him instead, hoping the emotion would translate equally as well. Eli kissed her back, and surely the spark there, the slow, careful way he stroked his mouth against hers indicated he had strong feelings for her too. Right?
Maybe that’s enough, she thought. But she knew it wasn’t. She didn’t want him to like her because of how she took care of his son. She had to be more than that to him. It was non-negotiable.
“Hey,” he whispered, pulling back. “You’re not okay.”
The fact that he knew, could feel it, made her heart feel like bursting. She shook her head. “I’m not okay.”
“What’s wrong?”
She looked into his eyes, the hazel-ness of them swallowed up in the darkness. “I’m…I love you, Eli.”
He smiled. “And that’s not okay?”
He didn’t say it back, and Meg’s pulse pounced against her ribs. “It’s…how do you feel about me?”
She wasn’t blind, and something on the movie exploded, providing plenty of light to see the indecision in his eyes.
“I need to know,” she pressed him. “I…this year…I can’t keep wasting time.”
He narrowed his eyes. “Do you think that’s what you’re doing here? Wasting time?”
“I want a family,” she said, her bravery settling into place. “And if it’s not going to be with you and Stockton, I need to move on.” There. She’d said it. She’d spent so much of her childhood saying nothing, and she couldn’t keep doing it. Not with Eli. Not anymore.
“I want to start this year off right,” she continued. “And…I just need to know if you’re going to be in it or not.”
“A year’s a long time, Meg.”
“It is.” And it would probably take her that long to recover from her broken heart. Because Eli wasn’t saying or doing any of the things Meg had imagined he might. Her stupid fantasies. They’d never gotten her into quite this much trouble, but over the past four days, she’d thought Eli would at least be able to promise her something.
“Meg, I’m going to be real honest here.” He ran one hand down the side of her face. “I like you, but this is too fast for me. I need…I’m not ready to say what you want me to say. I’m not ready to tell you this year will be exactly what you want it to be. It’s too much, too soon, too….” He trailed off, a measure of agony glinting in his eyes now.
Meg recoiled from the truth in his words, the desperation in his tone. “How long do you need?” She’d suffered hardships in her life too. It had taken her a while to come to terms with the fact that she would never be pregnant, never carry a child, never be a biological mother. But not four years. It hadn’t taken her four years to think past her own trauma and try to find a new future. A happier future. A hopeful future.
“I can’t answer that,” he said. “I know you want me to. I know you—”
“I think you’ve had enough time.” Meg stood and stepped past him, her muscles firing on all cylinders and her heart wailing inside her chest.
“Meg.”
She kept going, needing to get away from the tantalizing scent of his skin. She licked her lips and found the taste of him there, and tears sprang to her eyes. Her whole life had been wrapped up in him and his son for so long.
“Not anymore,” she whispered furiously to herself as she heaved open the big door and burst back out into the game room. No one even glanced her way. Of course they wouldn’t. The three couples in the vicinity were happily in love, away on a New Year’s vacation to ring in the next twelve months that they’d spend merrily together.
Meg had never considered herself a bitter person, and she’d had some reasons to be. But all she felt pouring through her, coating her throat, her tongue, her mouth, was pure bitterness. She’d taken one step when Eli’s fingers wrapped around her forearm.
“Meg,” he said again. “Don’t go.”
She turned to face him, take one long last look at his handsome features, those eyes she’d fallen in love with first, that beard that called to her, his strong jaw and mouth.
“I quit,” she said. “Good-bye, Eli.” She pulled her arm out of his grip and started up the steps, her adrenaline fueling her enough to take them two at a time. She expected him to come thundering after her, demand she stay until he found a new nanny, maybe even apologize and confess his love for her.
Another stupid fantasy, she thought when she reached the top of the stairs and there was no sound or activity following her. Spurred by the silence, she ran down the hall and into her bedroom.
Tears flowed down her face as she punched the lock and started packing. She called a car service, not even hearing how much it would cost on New Year’s Eve to come get her and take her to a hotel.
It didn’t matter. She couldn’t stay under this roof, with Eli so close, for another night. So close, and yet so far away. Time passed, and Meg hated that everything she owned could fit into two suitcases. But she didn’t have furniture. Bedding. Kitchenware. She had clothes and a few knick knacks she’d picked up in the places she’d worked.
Time passed, and she calmed, and when her phone chimed that the car she’d booked would be arriving in five minutes, she tiptoed through the shared bathroom and into Stockton’s room.
The little boy looked like an angel as he slept. She brushed his hair off his forehead and placed a kiss there. “Stocky,” she whispered and his eyes fluttered open. “Hey, bud.” The emotion in her voice wasn’t lost on her. She’d said good-bye to several children over the years, and each one was emotional and difficult.
“Hey, Meggy.” His voice sounded froggy and thick.
“Hey.” She didn’t bother trying to wipe or hide her tears. “I have to leave, Stocky. Okay? But I didn’t want to go without saying good-bye.”
He sat up. “You’re leaving? When will you be back?”
She shook her head and pulled the little boy into a hug. “I’m not coming back, bud.” She released him and tucked the blanket around him absently. “You be good for you daddy, okay? And always remember that I love you.” She closed her eyes and pressed her forehead to Stockton’s. “You’re my favorite boy,” she said as her phone went off again. Her ride was here. She needed to g
o. “I love you.”
She straightened and backed up a step before turning to leave.
“Meggy,” he said, but she kept going. Back in her room, she gathered her two suitcases and squared her shoulders. In the hall, Stockton stood in his doorway and Eli stood in his.
“Thank you for having me,” she said. “You can send my last payment as usual.”
“Meg,” Eli said, and as she approached, she found evidence that the big, burly, billionaire cowboy had been doing some crying of his own.
“Daddy, why’s Meggy leaving?” Stockton darted across the hall and Eli tucked him into his side.
“I don’t know, bud.”
That made Meg pause, and when she was almost past him too. She twisted back and said, “You broke my heart, Eli Whittaker. That’s why I’m leaving.” She hurried now, down the hall and through the foyer and out the front door.
The car waited, exhaust lifting from the back bumper. A man got out and helped her put her bags in the trunk, and when she was safely in the warm backseat, he said, “Where to?”
Eli had paid her well over the years, and Meg had enough money to go somewhere to start fresh. Somewhere warm, she decided as she’d really liked her time in Bora Bora.
“Just the hotel in town,” she said. And after that, she’d head for the west coast, knowing if Eli couldn’t get past Caroline, he’d never come to California to look for Meg.
Chapter Fifteen
Eli watched the cheering people on the big screen, counting down as the year ended and a new one began. The ball dropped, and the couples in the theater kissed. Eli stared at them with blind eyes, his own New Year’s kiss with Meg a dot on some distant horizon.
She’d left.
Left Whiskey Mountain Lodge.
Left Stockton.
Left him.
His heart felt like someone had encased it in cement and then tried to put it back in his chest. It couldn’t beat against the confines, and his ribs were too weak to hold the organ in place.
At least the party was over. People stayed up for a few more minutes, finishing their games and collecting their stuff. Then everyone went upstairs, leaving Eli in the basement to clean up.
But he wasn’t about to do that. Annie would come tomorrow and take care of all of it. He’d pay her whatever she asked, because at this moment, all he had left was money in the bank. Money in the bank that couldn’t buy him what he wanted—which was Meg.
He turned away from the cups and bowls of snacks. “Why couldn’t you say something then?” he asked himself, an angry note in his voice. She’d been saying so much, and asking so many hard questions, and Eli simply didn’t have the answers.
What he had said—that this was too fast, too soon, too new—that was all true. But how could he expect Meg to just hang around while he figured things out? Things he hadn’t even known he needed to figure out.
His boots rang angrily on the tile at the top of the stairs as he stomped down the hall to his bedroom. He’d tucked Stockton into his huge king-sized bed after the boy had started to cry that Meg had left.
Eli had shed a tear or two himself, but not in front of his son. He hadn’t allowed himself to do that when Caroline died, and he wouldn’t now. Alone, maybe. In the shower, sure. All the evidence washed down the drain.
But as he closed the door behind him and listened to the soft breathing of his son, his tears came anyway. “What do I do now?” he pleaded, casting his eyes toward the ceiling, toward God.
He hadn’t been down to church in weeks, since the snow really made getting down to town difficult and sometimes dangerous.
Not only did he need a new nanny, but he needed someone to help him stitch his heart back together long enough to take a decent breath and take the next step.
He’d felt like this before. He knew how to do this.
He stepped toward the bed, intending to crawl in with Stockton and hold his son until morning. But he found himself falling to his knees instead.
“I’ve felt like this before,” he said, his tears hot in his eyes. “When Caroline died. I loved her so much.”
A sense of calmness descended over him and he wiped the tears from the corners of his eyes. His thoughts straightened and aligned, and he realized that he’d felt like this before because he’d loved his wife.
So that meant he loved Meg too.
“I already know I love her as a friend,” he said, his voice only slightly pinched now. “As Stockton’s nanny. But can I love her as a wife?”
Of course you can.
The thought entered his mind, spoken in Caroline’s voice, something he hadn’t heard is so, so long. He actually opened his eyes and looked around for her, expecting to see her standing there, telling him it was okay to love another woman, provide another mother for their son.
Of course, she wasn’t there, and Eli’s thoughts scattered again. “I’m sorry, Caroline,” he whispered to the room where a piece of her still slept.
Several long moments passed where Eli felt like something that had been poisoning his soul for so long got plucked out. He’d never told anyone the reason he felt so guilty after Caroline’s death, why he couldn’t return to California, why he’d hired a nanny for Stockton and then moved somewhere tropical.
He’d hidden the feelings, boxed them up tight, even when Meg was there, trying to tug the tape off of them. He hadn’t told her why he was still so hung up on Caroline either. But now, as the dark, cesspool of guilt emptied and he became free, he finally understood and knew.
And he’d have to tell Meg if he wanted her back.
He didn’t make the call in the morning. The lodge stayed quiet for hours, until near noon when the first guests came down to check out. Eli greeted them with freshly brushed teeth behind his plastic smile and said he hoped they’d come back next year.
He called Graham and asked if Stockton could come down to the ranch and play with Bailey, and his brother said yes. Eli knocked on the front door and then twisted the knob with a “Hello? It’s Eli.”
“C’mon in,” Laney called from the general vicinity of the kitchen. “Bailey’s not in from the barn yet. She and Graham are….” Her voice trailed off as she came around the corner and saw Eli. “Oh, honey, what’s wrong?” She looked at Stockton, who’d barely said two words to Eli that day.
“Nothing,” Eli lied. “I just…Stockton’s bored. Needs a playmate. I thought he….” Eli shrugged, not wanting to admit that being a chipper father when he felt like this was really hard.
“Sure, yeah.” Laney wiped her hands on her apron. “I’m just making bagels for later.” She reached her hand out. “Want to help me, Stockton?”
Stockton released Eli’s hand and walked down the hall and took Laney’s hand. “Stay there,” she said before taking the boy into the kitchen and setting him to some task. Eli could hear her voice, but he didn’t pay attention to the words. She’d come back and lecture him, and Eli deserved it. But he stayed, because Laney might be able to help him get Meg back.
Sure enough, only a few moments passed before Laney returned, coming all the way to the front door and speaking in a hushed tone. “What is going on? Both of you are acting like someone died.”
“Meg left,” Eli said simply, looking Laney right in the eyes.
“She left…left?”
“Left. As in, she quit, and she’s not coming back.”
Laney’s eyes rounded and she frantically searched Eli’s face. “What happened? She liked you so much.”
“Yeah, well, that’s what happened.”
“Eli Whittaker.” Laney folded her arms. “I’ve known you my whole life. Babysat you and everything. You’ve always been the brother everyone loved. Surely you know that.”
Eli shrugged, unsure of whether what she said was true or not. “What are you getting at, Laney?”
“Did you hurt her?”
“I’m sure I did.”
“What happened?”
Eli’s throat narrowed and it was dif
ficult to breathe, let alone swallow. “She told me she loved me, okay? And she kept asking me how I felt about her, and she wanted me to see her as more than Stockton’s nanny, and it was…it was all just a lot to take in, you know? And I told her I needed time.” His chest heaved as the emotion rolled from him.
“So you didn’t say it back.”
He shook his head.
“And she didn’t want to give you more time.”
“She said I’d had enough.”
“And have you?”
“I couldn’t let go of Caroline.”
Laney softened just the teensiest bit. “Oh, Eli. Of course you can. You’ve had Meg in your life longer than you ever had Caroline. Why can’t you let go of her?”
Eli just shook his head. Laney wasn’t going to be the first person he spilled his secret to. “Any ideas for how to get her back?”
Laney just watched him for what seemed like the longest time. The backdoor opened and Graham said, “Hoo boy! It is cold out there,” before closing the door with a bang.
“Maybe she needs some time,” Laney said. “We’ll keep Stockton as long as you want.” She turned and headed back toward the kitchen just as Graham said, “Oh, Stocky’s here. Where’s Aunt Laney, bud?”
Eli slipped out the front door before his brother could see him standing in the hall. He didn’t need to repeat himself.
And he didn’t want to give Meg any time. She’d said she wanted to start this year off right, and that meant he had to contact her today.
He called her from the cab of his SUV, but she didn’t answer. After the short, one-mile drive back to the lodge, Eli called her again. This time a man picked up the phone with an aged, “Hello?”
“Oh, um.” Eli didn’t know what to say. “I’m looking for Meg Palmer?”
“Meg Palmer,” the old man bellowed. “Do we know a Meg Palmer?”
“This is her phone,” Eli said, wondering who this was. “Who are you? It’s Eli Whittaker.”
