“How did you…” Unsure of how to formulate her question, she stopped herself. But she needed to know, needed to fully understand him. “How did you go on?”
“I don’t know, it’s all a haze. I…I just worked. The upside to insomnia is, that if you only sleep four hours a day, you have so much more time to spend on your business. My company flourished even more and I buried myself within it.”
“So you never really dealt with it,” she concluded. Well, that at least explained why this giant mass of grief was still rooted so deeply inside of him. He never healed, had never even tried to.
“I went by their graves today, never did before.” At his grumbled words, Jasmine felt pride rushing through her chest. Facing a past like his needed strength and courage. Slowly she leaned backward, wanting to look into his eyes again. Like the wings of a butterfly, her fingers feathered over his strong jaw and cheekbones. In that moment, what made his dominant Roman beauty so tragic was revealed to her. It was grief. Not a scowl or anger, but five years of loss. Gently she smoothed out the line between his eyebrows.
“Why did you go visit them now, when you haven’t in five years?” she whispered, still stroking his cheeks. The beard had grown even more so that Cole looked much more like a lumberjack than like some tech billionaire. Never judge a book by its cover, Jasmine reminded herself.
“You turned the switch.” While speaking he captured her gaze with his, with the predatory focus, which she knew by now. Still, she didn’t get what he was trying to tell her right now.
“What do you mean?”
“Five years I buried myself in work, didn’t really live. Hell, I can’t recall even the half of it. I didn’t feel. Then suddenly there was you with all your colors, with your beautiful, smart mouth, full of passion and somehow you brought it all back in a rush.” Beneath the power of his stare, she felt like drowning. The beautiful thing was, though, that he was feeling the same—it was obvious in his eyes. The only thing they had to hold on to was each other.
“You turned the switch,” he repeated, only now it made sense. Immediately she remembered—how she’d needed to tickle the emotions and reactions out of him at first and how each of these times had thrilled her until they were laughing freely together, joking around and having a good time. His first in five years? Automatically, she leaned forward to shower his face with soft kisses.
“I’m sorry I caused you pain,” she murmured against his chiseled chin. Bringing all that back must have gutted him.
“I’m glad you did.” His voice left no room for any doubt. Confused, she blinked up at the fierce look in his eyes.
“Why?”
“That’s no life to live, angel. I was slowly dying inside.” He was right. How long could he have gone on like this with only four hours of sleep? One of these days he would have probably just collapsed. Often, dealing was better than ignoring, even if it hurt so much more at the beginning.
“Good grief,” she whispered against his lips, only, the meaning of the two words was totally different than it would have been normally.
“Yes.” He nodded. “I’m damaged goods, that’s no question, but I’m also a selfish bastard and am asking you to take a chance with me. I’m going to get better—now I have a reason to.” The heavy meaning of his last sentence almost made her tear up again. No reason to get better—no reason to live. Now he was finally ready to deal.
He was a strong man. Jasmine had no doubt that he’d manage. Although he probably was right, you could never fully recover from something so terrible, she wouldn’t call him damaged goods nonetheless. Yes, he was branded for life, but he could still be happy, right? They had laughed and loved together.
“I need you to be okay with us,” she said. Without having to further explain, he knew what she was asking of him.
“Seeing the grave helped, it made it more…real—if that makes any sense.” Even though he struggled with words, Jasmine nodded. “It’s hard to feel like you’re cheating when you’re sitting next to a tombstone.” The corner of his mouth twitched for half a second. A tiny bit of humor, a good sign. It wasn’t much, but it was a start, Jasmine decided and pressed her lips against his.
“We can try,” she promised, try to be together. She would give her everything to help him with his grief, to make this somehow easier for him. For now, they both needed sleep due to emotional exhaustion. Stroking his beard one last time, she slipped down from his lap. She pulled him to her until they lay side by side on the bed. “Thank you,” she whispered when they were facing each other on the mattress. Gently smiling at him she added, “It means a lot to me.”
In answer Cole only nodded—obviously he had said enough for one day. Both of their eyes grew heavy. Before Jasmine fully fell asleep, she remembered something and sat straight up in bed again.
“Where’s Chester?” Pressing a hand onto her lips, she drew in a shocked breath. “Oh God, we probably traumatized him with the show on the kitchen counter.”
Chuckling, Cole sat up beside her. “In dog years he’s a teen, not a toddler, right?” Not at all worried, he winked at her. In contrast, Jasmine felt a little panicked.
“Chester, buddy, come here!” When she didn’t hear the familiar sound of his running paws on the floor, she immediately added, “Little man, where are you?”
As soon as she had spoken out the words, she winced. Damn it, she should have better watched what she said! Ruefully she glanced up at Cole. “I’m sorry,” she whispered, hating herself for having reminded him of the baby he and his Cara used to call by the same pet name.
Unexpectedly Cole took her hand and squeezed it gently. “I don’t want you to ever hold yourself back. I have to get used to it, I’ll hear it a lot—from some strangers talking to their dog or kids, or anywhere else, really.” He shrugged right at the same time that Chester came to a halt in the doorway. Fullheartedly, he yawned. Thank God, he’d been sleeping and not watching the escapades of the humans.
“Okay.” Slowly Jasmine nodded; afterward she turned away from Cole and toward the French bulldog. “Wanna sleep in bed today?” The cheery tone earned her some butt-wagging. For Cole, she explained, “Normally he isn’t allowed in the bed, but today was very exciting and I want him to feel special.”
In reaction, a slow smile spread on Cole’s face. “You’re spoiling the little flea-ball.”
“Shut up, big guy, I know that you’re feeding him special treats.” As his eyes widened in surprise, Jasmine just grinned. Seconds later Cole broke out in real laughter, which excited Chester enough to forget all the confusing stuff that had happened today. When he was allowed to jump on the bed and sleep pressed against Jasmine’s belly, he found himself in dog heaven!
While Chester trustingly rolled into a ball next to Jasmine, she and Cole lay down, too. Pulling the blanket over their bodies, Cole pressed a kiss against her shoulder and spooned her like he’d done the last ten days. Insomnia my ass—with Jasmine he could finally sleep. Drawing her closer against his body, he held her through the night.
♥♥♥
Chapter 16
“YOU’RE SURE THAT you’re willing to work with him again?” David pronounced the word like it was a curse. Inwardly Jasmine giggled. Though it was nice to know David worried about her, she really should ask Cole sometime why they rivaled with each other that strongly.
“Yes, David, I’m sure, thank you.” On the other end of the line she heard him grumbling, but eventually he gave an agreeing grunt. “I’m hoping that I’ll be able to send you the final plans at the end of the week. How long the renovations will take depends on what the tradespeople have to say.”
“I understand.” He sighed. “Like I said on your first day—this project has priority. My father…” for a second he halted, “…loves Cole like a son, he wants everything to be perfect for him.” So that was the reason for the two men not being able to stand each other! David probably felt like he had to share his father’s love with someone who wasn’t even part of
his family. It was understandable, though it was a childish emotion. Perhaps someday he’d understand that the world didn’t revolve around him and that a man had enough love for several children.
“I’ll do my best, David. I’m looking forward to showing you the plans and hearing your ideas to improve them,” Jasmine told him with a smile in her voice, knowing that her words would caress his ego. That was okay, though. After David had wanted to defend her from Cole, who’d supposedly hurt her, Jasmine felt generous today. Hopefully, in the future the two men would end their rivalry if only to please Mr. Hall Senior.
“Talk to you soon!”
“Bye, David.” Ending the call, she gazed outside the window of the car, Jasmine watched the landscape flying by. Cole’s hand rested comfortably on her left thigh. It was funny how they had fallen right back into their routine again, after their fight, make-up sex, and talking everything out. Strangely, it felt as if they’d been together for years. Pensively she lay both of her hands on his much larger one and played with his fingers.
“Kiss-ass.” His deep rumble ripped her out of her thoughts. Promptly her head snapped toward him. The dark humor made the corners of his mouth twitch. In a mixture of outrage and laughter, Jasmine only raised her eyebrows. The man smiled on so very rare occasions, when he did, you couldn’t do else but react to the sparkle in his normally gloomy eyes.
“He is my boss after all.” Jasmine defended herself. “Also, he is so damn jealous that his father made your mansion a priority for the company.”
At that the smile on Cole’s lips faded, much more serious now, he nodded. “My father died when I was fifteen. Ronald was his best friend and stepped in—he was always there for me. David and I are the same age; I think he felt like his father was favoring me, but…”
“He only gave you extra attention because your dad just died,” she ended his sentence. Understandingly Jasmine nodded. A boy needed his father the most during his teens—so many changes were happening in that time, puberty, sudden interest in another boy or girl, first kiss, first lovemaking.
“Yes, exactly,” Cole agreed while staring at the road ahead and driving them back to the mansion. In the back of the car, Chester snored softly. This morning the puppy had been over-the-top happy when he’d awakened to realize that both of his favorite humans were there to greet him. During their walk together he had run ahead, then back to circle either Cole or Jasmine over and over again. The smile on his little face had been ridiculously wide. Now he was exhausted, using the drive to sleep.
“After what happened five years ago, the situation with David only became worse.”
“Because Ronald worried so much about you.” Not at all surprising in Jasmine’s opinion.
“It’s so silly, though,” Cole rumbled while shaking his head. “David should hear his father talk about him—he’s so proud of him for joining Hall and Son.”
“Perhaps you should tell him.” Encouraging she squeezed his hand on her thigh. In answer, he rubbed her leg.
“Yeah, perhaps I should.” For a second he gazed away from the road, smiling at her.
“What about you—any family drama?” Seeing him try to ease up, brought a smile to her face. In answer, she giggled.
“No, not really. I’ve got a sister; she’s married and lives with her husband in Boston. My parents travel a lot, but for Christmas we come together each year. Also, we talk a lot over the phone. My mom is the hysterical type, but that’s all. We’re pretty boring, I guess.” The more she told Cole about her folks, the more she thought about how unfair fate worked sometimes. Whereas Cole had felt loss over and over in his life, she herself had never felt such despair before.
“Boring sounds like heaven, angel.” Although his voice was hoarse, there was a smile on his face.
“Perhaps being boring is contagious,” she joked so that rumbling laughter shook his upper body.
“That’d be great.” Grinning, he caressed her thigh again. The simple gesture gave her butterflies in her stomach. They had a lot to do today, so she’d better concentrate on work; not on her heart skipping a beat whenever he touched or looked at her.
The rest of the drive, they talked about everything and nothing—their families, college, silly family traditions, and so on. Each time Cara’s name fell, it seemed to get easier for Cole. Thinking about happy memories was much easier than remembering that one fatal night. Of course he wouldn’t be okay in only a few days, but taking baby steps, Jasmine was sure, he one day would be able to smile again while talking about his late wife. His son, Liam? She wasn’t sure if anybody could get over losing a child.
When they arrived in front of the mansion, Cole helped her get out of the car. Leading her inside, he took her hand in his. She already knew where he was heading, before they came to a stop in front of the closed door to his son’s room. “They let me hold him.” Staring at the floor, he breathed out heavily. “He was perfect.” Not being able to do much more than clasp his hand tightly, she hoped he would understand that she was here for him.
“You don’t have to,” she reminded gently, but Cole shook his head. The grim lines on his face showed her that he’d already made his decision.
“How else are we going to renovate the place?” It was a rhetorical question, so Jasmine didn’t say anything back. “Fresh start,” he murmured as if reminding himself. Taking one last deep breath, he opened the door.
The room was precious. You could see that the young couple had decorated every single thing with so much love. Above the crib there was a mobile for the boy to have something to look at; on the walls there were paintings, which had been done by hand. Most likely Cara had painted them herself. There were stuffed animals, a diaper changing table, and a dresser, which probably was filled with baby clothes. Only standing in the doorway, you could practically feel the ghosts of the past. That was the beautiful thing about love—tough, wasn’t it? It didn’t vanish like everything else, it lasted, was even stronger than death.
Completely rigid, Cole stepped into the room. In the middle of it, he stopped. For a long moment, he stood there, balling his hands into fists, breathing heavily, but not moving a single muscle. The image of loneliness tore her heart apart. Not a single second longer could she let him stand there all by himself. Cautiously, not knowing if he wanted her company in this intimate moment, she stepped toward him. Since he didn’t react whatsoever, Jasmine wrapped her arms around his waist from behind, pressing her cheek against his back.
Entering Liam’s room after five years couldn’t be easy. For long moments, they kept on standing there, surrounded by old hopes and a lost future. It hurt. Of course, it did. After another ragged breath, Cole turned around and pressed a kiss to Jasmine’s forehead.
“Let’s pack,” was all he said before leaving the room. She needed a second to get hold of her emotions again but then quickly followed him to get some empty boxes and tools.
While Cole dismounted the furniture, Jasmine began packing. Side by side, they worked in silence. Everything was labeled simply Liam and brought into the attic where there was already a box full of photos—the only thing that Cole had saved after having destroyed the first floor five years ago. When he felt ready for it, everything would be there to go through, to remember and see his pregnant wife’s smile once more. But for now, Cara’s and Liam’s things would just stay there.
Although Cole wanted to keep on working, Jasmine decided that it was enough for the day. Packing up that room had taken a toll on him, so she forced him to drive into the small town and watch a silly romantic comedy with her. They laughed, ate caramel popcorn, and stole a few kisses whenever the mood struck them. Afterward, they strolled through the beautiful town. At first Jasmine was confused by all the stares they got, but when a few of them told Cole how happy they were to see him again, Jasmine understood. Although none of them said it, she heard it nonetheless. They weren’t just happy to see him again, but happy to see him smile again—happy to see him happy.
“
They’re good people,” she murmured after they had ended their conversation with the owner of a local shop. She had gotten to know the older man a little, and as it turned out, he was very nice.
“Yes, they are,” Cole agreed after a minute of silence. “I guess I forgot.”
“I think they understand.” Reassuringly she pressed a little closer against his side. The evening was chilly, so she was thankful for his warmth. Obviously noticing her shivering, Cole wrapped his arm around her waist.
“Better?”
Smiling upward, she nodded in thanks. He dipped his head and rewarded her with a sweet kiss just as they passed the fire station, which was a beautiful red brick building. “You like it here?”
“Yes, it’s a beautiful town.” If you listened closely, you could hear the waves of the ocean despite them being in the middle of town right now. For Jasmine, it was a very soothing sound.
“But you love New York, right?”
Unsure where Cole was heading with his questions, Jasmine shrugged. “I’ve lived in New York all my life. I think I’m more excited about my new job and building extraordinary new buildings than the city itself.”
“I have an apartment in the city, too—it’s good for business meetings.”
Excited, her steps beside him quickened. Him having an apartment in New York City meant that they could see each other much more often than she had initially thought. “So when the renovations are over, we can meet not only on the weekends but also in New York?” Her question was bolder than she felt. In fact, her breathing hitched, impatiently waiting for his answer.
Next to her, he came to a stop. His arm around her halted her, too. When he stepped in front of her, he framed her head with his strong hands. Beneath his focused gaze, Jasmine’s cheeks heated. The expression in Cole’s eyes had become serious. “If you still want to leave after the renovations, then yes, we can meet up in your or my apartment in New York.”
Good Grief Page 12
