Bones’ club helped, too. The kids. Oh, the kids. They were the best part of a family party, because they ran and played. Those wee ones were held in such care, they knew to the soles of their feet nothing could happen to them. Always watched and cared for, they were safer than the safest, surrounded by nothing but love.
Through the weeks and days I’d been finding ways to fill in the holes, but some days it was like sand in a sieve, trickling and tricking, until all my raw spots were back on display. It never stopped the pain for long.
Bones did. He could stop the pain with a word, with a look, with a touch, and I loved how he knew what I needed. Even without me telling him, he would know. “He’s my joy.” My dark angel, my savior who sexed me up on the regular. That helped more than anything, how he never let the broken pieces of me dictate his dick. We came together with laughter and love, and always I could count on him to bend me back into straight lines of love.
I loved my Ronnie, too. Of course I did. I couldn’t just get him back and then not love him. But he had found Mouse, and I loved Mouse, too. And they had a little girl. Talya. I was her favorite aunt, and she wasn’t shy about telling me. I didn’t tell her it counted less since I was her only, because it didn’t. She was earnest and beautiful, and sweet caramel goodness inside and out.
I heard a soft click from the study and knew it was Bones closing the door behind Tiny’s self-invited entrance. I smiled and sighed, then went to the freezer. Pulling out the always-present container of ice cream, I dished up a bowl and took it and myself to the table.
He hadn’t shut me out. Bones would never do that to me. I smiled again, looking out the window at the birds still arguing and talking about the goodness they’d been given today.
One foot on the chair, and one swinging in the breeze, I ate my ice cream slowly. A sweet spoonful at a time.
He’d shut himself in.
Not to keep himself from myself, but to keep the darkness of whatever he and Shades had to discuss from tainting the rest of the house. Always those conversations happened in his study. His office. The place where the club existed most strongly inside these walls.
I wasn’t forbidden to go in there. Not at all. If business-free, I was welcomed there as in every room. He hadn’t even complained when I’d finished setting up the wonderland for him. Today was his first chance to see the full glory, and he’d laughed mightily when I opened the doors. Then he’d flicked the switch that started the train on its looping path around the floor.
“Ester, the monster will destroy your creation.” He shook his head even as his hands reached for my hips, pulling me close, belly to belly. “It is gorgeous.”
I’d closed one eye, squinting with the other, preparing for the rejection I was sure was coming. When he stopped speaking, I opened both eyes wide, staring up at him. His gaze was so warm, so loving, I could nearly feel it like a touch as he stroked it across my skin. “You hate it less than I expected.”
“I do not hate it at all.” He bent his neck, and then it was his lips stroking a caress on mine, and that I could definitely feel. “I love it, my Ester.” Tiny picked this moment to mosey inside, pausing only a moment when Bones called his name. “Tiny, no.” Ignoring the uncertain command, Tiny lifted his feet high and stepped across the train tracks, avoiding the glitter-infused cotton I’d used to create the snowfields. “He…” Bones shook his head as Tiny lurched up on the love seat, turning in place twice, so big he nearly fell off the cushions before he threw himself to his side with a groan that lifted his ribs high. “He is not like anything I expected.”
“You expected a bad dog?” At those two words in close proximity, I saw Tiny’s ears twitch. “He’s a good dog.”
Bones grinned at the single thump of a tail that greeted my words. “He is a good dog.” Bones reached up and cupped a hand to the corner of my jaw. “And you are a good woman.” The pain twitched inside me, just like Tiny’s skin would if I were to tickle him with a feather. “Thank you for my wonderland. I’ve never had a Christmas like this.”
He’d never had Christmas. Not since he was small, since before the day he died and came back, leaving Estrella on the other side of the veil. Our first Christmas had been a season of crazy days filled with club business, and no celebrating to be found. The second featured family additions in the form of Mouse. This was our year, and I’d determined to make memories here in Bones’ house that he was so adamant be mine, too. I’d owned my place by stuffing the space full of things for him. “I wanted to give this to you.” I gestured at the room, knowing he’d understand. “It’s good to share firsts.” I hadn’t been lucky with Christmases either, with most of them spent hoping I didn’t freeze to death before the sun rose on just another day. I didn’t say that, though. I’d learned what would make him mad or sad by turns. “I’m learning you.” He smiled, a one-sided lift of his mouth that promised so much. “It’s for both. You…” I placed my palm over his heart, feeling it beating strongly under my touch. “And me.” My lips ached for his, and he must have seen it in my eyes, because he bent down and gave me what I needed. Needings. “I love you.” Straight out, because he always deserved to know.
“And I you, my Ester.” Another kiss, this followed by his hand on my neck, and then down my arm, and then cupping the softness of my breast in his fingers. Clever fingers, teasing and using the sign language only he knew to draw my wordless response.
There was a tapping at the window, and I looked down to see Tiny’s titmouse balanced on the edge, smallest of talons digging into the wood as it held on tightly. “He’s in there.” I gestured over my shoulder at the study. “He can come back out tomorrow.” The bird tilted its head as if to see me better, then tapped impatiently on the window again. “Sorry, not tonight.” Silly bird, asking for a playdate in the snow. Asking for doings.
I shoved another spoonful of cold, creamy goodness into my mouth and let it sit on my tongue, melting.
Doings were easier than things. Bones appreciated both, which made my living easier than it could have been. The wonderland was a things thing, and he hadn’t hated it. I had money now, which was so weird to ponder, having been penny-poor for so long. The rescue valued what I did with them, and even though I’d have done it for free, just to be the helping part of the dogs’ lives, they paid me a set amount every week. I wrinkled my nose at the titmouse still on the ledge. Persistent fella.
Gunny was persistent, too. He was the one who set up the rescue work for me. He had too much going on now with pups and tiny humans of his own.
My reflection in the windows was smiling so wide, I stared at me for a moment. Gunny’s life was good. He and me, we’d talked once, about the coulda, woulda, shoulda, pieces of our past. He counted himself lucky to have found the club when he did. Inside his head had been messed up. He’d been like me, where he could blink and a day would be gone, or a week, and he’d have no remembering of any doings that he’d done. First the club, but even that hadn’t been enough to steady him entirely. Still, the club got him ready for the bigger things that were coming. He didn’t know it at the time, but his Sharon would fix him for always. Like Bones had me. Then his Sharon turned around and made his outside heart even larger. Cade, Kitten, and Josh. He’d said his family—including the pups, of course—were his reason for breathing. His reason for keeping his head straight and his mind strong.
“I want a child.” There. I’d said it. Even if just to the tiny titmouse still watching through the window.
I cradled the bowl of ice cream goodness to my chest. Bones had wanted to talk about other ways, but I’d shut him down. Shut down myself and walked away.
I’d walked outside and dug in the wild garden until my fingers bled, forgetting the tiny shovel he’d bought me. I’d stayed outside for two days, waking on that last morning to find he’d slept beside me in the grass, covering us both with blankets from his bed. He never told me I was crazy. Had never once said those words that would tear me down. Never told me I didn’t
understand. He’d never tried to pretend he was anything except devastated at the way my body had betrayed me. Betrayed us both. But he’d also never blamed me. “He wants a child.” Tap, tap, tap. Tiny’s titmouse was staring at me.
Bones didn’t care if it was a child of my body. That was a things. The biggest of things, but a things. It wasn’t about the having a tiny human that mattered to him. It was about all the havings after. “It’s the doings.” My reflection was crying now, and I ate another bite of ice cream that tasted salty and sweet. That’s what he wants with me. My voice was small but strong as I told the bird, “He wants the biggest doings in the history of ever with me.”
And I’d shut him down.
“He wanted to live.” With me. Wanted me to take that journey with him any way we could go. He’d shoved his hand out at me again and again, waiting for me to take hold. “Wanted to save me.” Bones already had saved me. Time and over and gone, he’d saved me. Every day when I woke up with his body beside me, his hand in my hair, his leg cocked over my ass, and his cock legging its own way up my hip, he saved me. My dark angel.
“Found treasures are important, too.” I remembered a scarf I’d had for years. It had been tattered and dirty when I found it, but I’d cared for it with every ounce of needing in my body. It had gone from stained and gutter-bound to inhabiting a place of pride tied around one of the bedposts in the house I shared with the love of my life. I’d explained the meaning and Bones understood. It didn’t matter that I hadn’t made the scarf, hadn’t woven the fabric with my own fingers. Hadn’t bought it new, taken a folded bundle of starch-stiff material from a shelf. “It’s beautiful all the same.” Maybe even more so to me.
Dogs are the same. My brain was trying to play catchup with my insides, following my heart down a path of what-ifs that was so wide with possibility it felt as if I’d never be lost again. There weren’t any bad choices here, because everything was right. Sometimes the rehabbed dogs were the best ones. The ones who knew where they’d been, what they’d survived, and with hearts intact, they came out the other end with more love for people who cared. “I care. I could care a lot.”
A child wasn’t a dog, but I knew how twisted life could get for both. “They wouldn’t have to be fresh and new.” I could love them anyway. Would love them. It. Him or her, whatever it was, there would be so much love. I turned my head and looked through the house at the closed door, wanting to be as brave as Tiny was. This was big, and I wanted to tell Bones. Wanted him to know I’d come to here, now, today. And I was ready. “Doings. All the havings after. That’s so big.”
There was a cacophony in the house, the doorbell ringing startlement until I dropped my spoon. Bowl on the top of the table, me and the spoon underneath, I stared at the front door. Between the doorbell ringing loudly and Tiny barking hugely, boots scraping floors in a hurry, and even more motorcycles outside—I didn’t want to move. When I glanced back at the window, the titmouse was gone. Unsurprised, I still hissed at his absence. “Traitor.”
Then Shades was at the door, Bones’ hand on Tiny’s collar, holding him back, and Myron was striding in like he owned the world. Mindful of the playful hurt Bones had exposed the other night, I shot out from under the table and stopped by him first, tugging on his shirt until he bent sideways over the barking and lunging Tiny to kiss me. “Hush,” I told Tiny, and he settled, leaning his big shoulder against Bones’ leg.
I turned on my heel and ran towards Myron, seeing his face split in a big smile he only ever gave me. There he was, my Ronnie. He swung me in the air, and at the highest point, at the exact moment when my stomach rolled upwards to give me a weightless feeling, I saw Talya walking through the door, half hidden behind her father, Mouse. She was looking at me, then at Tiny, and then at Ronnie, not sure which of us to give her attention to.
My fists pounded on Ronnie’s shoulders. “Put me down.” I shot a quick look at Tiny, seeing in a moment how excited he was; muscles quivering, head down, tail up, he was ready for zoomies in a house that wasn’t ready for that level of crazy. “Tiny,” I barked at him in a voice he couldn’t ignore. “Settle.” Gunny had taught me that one. The word gave me just enough of a growl in my voice to make me unignorable, and Tiny’s energy notched down by one. I considered him, then nodded, satisfied. Maybe two.
“Talya, this is Tiny.” I reached out for her hand, seeing how Mouse’s grip tightened for a moment, then relaxed. Simple trust in me given with love. Oh, these men, they will be the death of my heart. “I will never let anything hurt her.” That was the most solemn promise I knew. “Ever.” Mouse’s eyes told me he believed me, but it might not be enough for true trust. “I would die first.” Children were precious. He nodded, and I smiled, then knelt in front of Talya. “Tiny’s big. You aren’t. Until he knows you, I want you to stick tight to someone. It can be me, or your dad, or Myron.” She nodded, then peered around me at the slobbering and panting beast still under Bones’ hold. “Are you scared?” She nodded again. “Of what?”
“He could eat me.”
“Negative. He likes dry dog food best.” I laid her fear to rest as I shook my head. “What else?”
“He could bite me.”
I made a clicking sound, considering. She was right and wrong in the same breath. “True, he’s got teeth. But so do you. You could bite me. Why aren’t you?” She tipped her head to the side. “Because you’re a good girl.” She nodded. “He’s a good boy.” I squeezed her hand. “What else?”
“He’s so big and loud.”
I cupped one hand around my ear and made a face I knew would make her laugh. It worked. He’d stopped barking immediately upon being told to and was waiting with huffed breaths to be allowed to meet the newest human in his pack. “He is? He’s loud?”
“You know what I mean.”
“He was loud when he didn’t know who was behind the door. He can’t help his bigness. That’s just how his outsides are made. Like your outsides are still tiny. Tiny Talya, meet Big Tiny. His insides, though? He’s not big at all.” I stood and turned, then nodded at Bones. He relaxed his grip on Tiny’s collar. “Tiny, come.” Bones’ hand opened, and head up, Tiny galloped towards me, ankles and elbows flying out to the side on the slick floors. “Tiny, sit.” I’d gauged it right, because by the time he got his butt down and had stopped sliding, he was in a perfect sit directly in front of me, his laughing tongue exactly Talya tall. “Talya, this is Tiny.” I introduced them again. “Tiny, this is Talya.” He looked up at me, eyes wide and ears nearly brushing together over the top of his head as he listened. “She’s important to me.”
I touched her head, letting myself pet her hair. So soft and she smelled so good. My Ronnie was good to his girl, brushed the tangles out and got her girly shampoo. He’d told me once that she made his life more than he’d thought it could be. Caught midway between a little baby and a big girl, Talya was perfect for all the right reasons. I crooked an arm around her shoulders and gave her a sideways hug to thank her for making Ronnie happier than he expected to be.
“She’s mine.” Tiny’s chin dropped at that and his eyebrows started their arguing dance. I shook my head and Talya giggled. “Yes, yes. If you’re good, I promise I’ll share her.” He sighed, and his neck arched more, nose pointed at the ground. Tiny was pouting and I laughed. “He likes you.” She giggled again as Tiny grumbled deep in his chest. Not a growl, not a bark, that was just him voicing his displeasure at being made to wait. “Stop complaining.” Another grumble, and this one he chewed on, so the rolling sound came out chopped up as if he were saying “om, nom, nom,” and Talya laughed, that sweet belling sound I’d loved so from the first time I’d heard it. Tiny seemed to feel the same way, because at her laughter he fell to his side, toppled by the force of her happiness. Feet flailing, he wormed his way along the floor until his head rested on her feet. “He likes you a lot.”
“That’s amazing.” Mouse sounded confused and uncertain. “How did she do that?”
“
It is my Ester’s way. She charms children and dogs,” Bones stepped towards me and bent his head to press a kiss against the side of my face. “And monsters.”
***
Bones
With a tip of his head, Bones called the four men into the kitchen, leaving Ester to continue introducing Talya to the dog. He smiled as he gathered her dishes into the sink, because in his mind he could see exactly what she’d been doing. One of her favorite things, no matter the season, was to sit on the kitchen table and eat ice cream. He’d never gotten her to explain the why, and it didn’t matter much. Whatever made Ester happy was permitted.
“Coffee?” He was already reaching for the canister as the men murmured behind him. “It is good you brought Talya, Myron. Thank you.”
“Yeah, she’d be pissed at me if I didn’t.” Myron carried the milk from the refrigerator and set it on the counter next to the coffee machine. “She’s so good with kids.” He sighed heavily, and Mouse moved to stand beside him. “You’ll let me know if there’s anything I can do, right?”
Rage flowed through him for a moment, and before he could stop himself, Bones barked, “There will never be a day when I cannot care for Ester.” He drew a breath and cut through the air with the edge of one hand. “My apologies, I know that was not what you meant to imply. She is your sister, and what pains her also pains you. Of course, I will contact you if there is need.” He turned and faced Myron. “It has only been a handful of months. She struggles with it, as you have seen. For me, she is enough. Always and until the end of my days, Ester will be all I need.” He smiled, cocking his head down. “Needings.”
“We’ve been brothers a while.” Myron’s tone was too casual, and Bones looked up to see the man was furious. As angry as Bones had been only moments ago. “But I tell you now, she’s my sister, and I’ve just gotten her back. After years, it still feels like I’ve just gotten her back, and I won’t let you put her mental health at risk because you were dealing with some kind of macho bullshit. She needs me, you pick up the goddamned phone.” Feet spread wide, Myron shifted forwards an inch, chest stuck out, posturing in a way Bones didn’t think he even knew he was doing. This was pure instinct, the drive of a man to protect those he loved, regardless the cost. “You got me?”
Christmas Doings Page 5
