It was at that precise moment that I realized how much I loved him and I'd let him slip through my fingers without ever telling him. I'd been too scared and I had to live with my regret now.
The hours dragged by and I eventually cried myself out, my eyes swollen and my mouth was dry. I staggered to the bathroom, still clutching his shirt. I grabbed a sleeping pill from the bottle in the medicine cabinet and swallowed it with a handful of water from the sink.
Stumbling into the bedroom, I collapsed in a heap on the bed. I'd assumed I was too exhausted to cry again until I found myself laying on the pillow Stefan had slept on. It smelled like him; sandalwood, the salty ocean and something that was just uniquely him. Tears choked me and sobs shook my shoulders. Crying was the last thing I remembered doing until I fell into a dreamless sleep, my fingers still holding on to his shirt.
***
Blinking against the sun streaming across the bed the next morning, my eyes were swollen and puffy from a night's worth of crying. I was considering staying in bed with the covers over my head for the day. I'd clung to the dwindling hope that he'd contact me but he'd disappeared as if he was a figment of my imagination.
I finally forced myself to get up out of the bed and quickly stripped the sheets from the bed. Walking to the small washer in the utility closet between the bathroom and the kitchen, I shoved the sheets into the washer. I added detergent and started the machine, slamming the door closed on the washer. I couldn't endure smelling him in my bed anymore. The best thing I could do was to wipe him from my memory, as if he didn't exist.
Just the thought of him not existing was like a knife twisting in my heart. I just didn't want to feel anymore, it simply hurt too much.
I went into the bathroom, untying the robe and letting it drop to the floor. I turned on the shower, adjusting the temperature and almost sobbed when the memory of him being in the shower with me flashed through my mind. I could almost feel his hands on my skin, his mouth on my lips and breasts.
I felt a tear escape and run down my cheek as I stepped into the shower and began washing myself automatically and as quickly as possible. I didn't want to spend any more time in the shower than necessary. The memories of being pressed against the wall and the way he felt inside of me was too strong and too powerful to think about right now.
Turning off the water, I rubbed the towel over my skin and I walked naked into the bedroom. I went to the closet, pulling on jeans and a blue fitted t-shirt over my head. Grabbing a large duffel bag, I started throwing a few changes of clothes inside. I zipped it partially closed, picking it up and heading to the living room. I unplugged my cell phone charger from the wall, tucking it inside the bag. I had my phone in my hand, dialing Anna's number.
She answered on the second ring. “Josie?”
“Anna, I need somewhere to stay. Can I stay with you? I can't be here. It's too hard.”
“Absolutely. Do you need me to pick you up?” Anna asked quietly.
“Yeah. Don't tell Georgia. Please.”
“I'll be right there,” Anna replied and I hung up the phone, shoving it into my pocket. Before gathering my things, I put the bedding into the dryer and walked back to grab my bag and my purse. With a heavy sigh, I took one last glance around the room and closed the door behind me.
I sat down on the step to wait for Anna and lowered my shields to see her reaction. She was going to try to convince me that I'd be back to normal in no time.
What if trying to be normal wasn't what I wanted anymore? I’d had a taste of stepping outside my comfort zone with Stefan and now going back to pretending didn’t have any allure for me.
My eyes were downcast as I heard Anna's car pull up. I was at the passenger side of the car before she had completely stopped, yanking the door open and plopping down inside the car and hugging my bag against my chest.
“Sweetie, are you ok?” Anna bit her lip as she looked at me, her brown eyes worried.
“No. But I will be,” I said quietly, my eyes focused on the dashboard in front me. I couldn't look at Anna. I didn't want her to see how weak I was, to see the pain that was probably etched on my face.
“Let's get you to my house and get some food and maybe a drink or two in you. You'll feel better in no time.” Anna was trying her best to sound optimistic although she was failing miserably.
“Sounds great. I'll be better in no time.” My voice sounded hollow, even to myself.
If I kept lying, maybe I'd start to believe it. I was silent as Anna drove down the driveway, pulling out onto the main road towards her house. I didn't look back once.
Chapter 6
I'd been hiding out in Anna's house for two days and I’d spent most of the time pretending that I felt better than I actually did. I'd given up any real hope that Stefan was going to come back. It had been three days since I last saw him, making me question his existence and my own sanity.
It was close to midnight and I was tossing and turning in the spare bedroom at her house. Anna was exactly what I'd needed. She only talked if I started the conversation, didn't ask a lot of questions and generally let me keep to myself. She also kept me supplied with a steady supply of wine. Adjusting the covers, I wondered if I could just stay here forever. I wouldn't have to go home and deal with the reality of Stefan not being there.
I'd finally almost dropped off to sleep when I heard voices outside of the house. The sounds were muffled, although I could tell by the tone that whoever was outside was angry. Pulling the pillow over my head to drown out the sound, I rolled over sleepily and imagined Anna in a heated conversation with a spurned surfer in board shorts. I lowered my shields and tried to see Anna's future, confused when I could see nothing.
Right now Anna had no future.
Forgetting about sleep and growing concerned for her, I strained to make out their conversation. The voices steadily increased in volume and I could tell that they were now in the house. Anna's voice was getting louder and was laced with panic as the voices approached my room.
The door burst open and a wild-looking Stefan loomed in the doorway with both hands braced on each side of the frame. His eyes anxiously darted around the room until they focused on me, his handsome face lined with anguish.
I jolted upright and my eyes frantically shifted from Stefan to Anna. She was nervously wringing her hands, giving me an apologetic smile as she left the room and disappeared down the hallway. The room was silent with the exception of my pounding heart and the sound of Stefan's ragged breath.
Gasping weakly, I pulled the covers closer to my chest. I looked back to Stefan, taking in his tousled golden hair and weary face. I couldn't stop the feeling of gratification that rushed through me to see the obvious torment he was feeling. His shoulders were tight and his clothes were wrinkled and disheveled.
I focused my attention on the covers. I didn't want to look at him. Every fiber of my being ached for him and I didn't trust myself to not give in to him. It would have been so simple to reach out to him and sink into the comfort of his embrace again. But I couldn't do that. He'd left me and I couldn't let my heart get broken again. I sat staring at my hands as they fiddled with the blanket, willing myself to hold it together until I could get him to leave.
“Josephine?” Stefan whispered brokenly into the darkness. He crossed the room, dropping to his knees at the side of the bed as if in prayer. “Josephine.”
His large hands stretched across the bed, reaching for me. I hastily yanked my hands to my chest, as if his touch would burn me.
“You left me. You fucking left me,” I seethed, feeling my face twist into a grimace. “I told you everything and you left me! No note, no calls. Nothing! You.left.me.”
“Josephine-” Stefan was crestfallen, running a hand through his messy blond hair. He reached his hand out to me again. It was tempting to touch him, instead I twisted my hands deeper in the sheets.
“Fucking leave, Stefan. I don't want to see you again,” I muttered, slowly inching further away from
him on the bed.
“You do not understand. I left-”
“Oh, I understand completely, Stefan. You left me and now you're back like everything is going to be like it was before,” I snorted, shaking my head in disbelief. “Leave before I have Anna call the police.”
I turned over in the bed with my back to him. I couldn't handle looking at him anymore. It was killing me inside for him to be so close and not touch him. The lilting sound of his voice had made my stomach flutter and was cracking my firm resolve.
I couldn't give in. It became my mantra.
“I love you. Josephine, please...” Stefan tried again, his voice cracking into a tortured sob.
“Save it for someone that cares,” I spat at him over my shoulder. “Just fucking leave.”
The tension in the room grew heavier as I heard Stefan stand and cross the room and hesitate briefly in the doorway. I was tempted to look over my shoulder when I heard the door to my room close softly. I held my breath as I heard his car start and pull away from Anna's house, the tires squealing in his rush to leave.
The house was silent again and I let myself fall apart, sobbing into my pillow. I wanted to run after him and tell him not to leave, that I loved him and that I wanted him to stay. I knew it was too late to beg, although my pathetic mind and heart didn't care.
They wanted him too.
***
Waving, I watched as Anna's car disappeared down the driveway. I'd stayed at her house for another day in seclusion when I finally realized I couldn't hide away in her house forever, even as tempting as the thought sounded. I had to resume something that resembled a life and deal with the fallout with Stefan. He'd come back and I'd told him to stay out of my life. I couldn't risk letting him back in to hurt me again.
Standing alone in my driveway, my eyes glazed over as I remembered my conversation with Anna the morning after Stefan had barged into her house.
“Look Josie, I don't know what you're doing but I do know that man loves you,” Anna said, her eyes sharp and probing. She tapped her fingernails against the wooden table. “I don't get in your personal life often and you know it. You're making a big mistake. Huge.”
I grimaced at her words. “I'm not going to be with someone that disappears for days with no explanation and then just walks back in, thinking I'm going to just be okay with that, Anna. Would you be okay with that?”
Her mouth twisted into a cynical smile. “No, but let’s not turn this into what I’d do and wouldn’t do. Your situation is different. He told me he had no choice. You should at least let him explain.”
“Are you new here? I don't want to hear it,” I argued. “He chose to leave with no explanations. No phone calls, no note. Nothing, Anna. Maybe he had a fling with someone else and then felt guilty. I don't fucking know and I really don't want to find out. I'm not going through this over and over. A relationship with him isn't worth going through this. I don't do drama.”
Anna sipped her coffee silently. She nodded and reached over to pat my hand.
“I know you're hurting. Stefan is hurting too. You know and I know you can't avoid this forever. You love each other.” Her smile was gentle. “Don't let go of someone you love because you've decided to be a stubborn bitch.”
“I think we're done here, Anna. Don't you have to go to work?”
I drew in a deep breath as I snapped back to reality. Maybe it was time for me to move on from Bali and make a fresh start. How could I even think about starting over when I'm still in love with an immortal vampire?
Squaring my shoulders, I walked slowly up the steps to unlock the door to my house. I opened the door hesitantly, walking in and closing the door quietly behind me. I pressed my back against the smooth wood and felt tears sting my eyes. This was going to be the hardest part. I was going to see the ghost of Stefan in every corner and see a memory of him in every room. I bit my lip, wondering how I was going to find the strength to do this.
Dropping my bags by the couch, I forced myself to do menial tasks to keep my mind occupied. I ran the vacuum, dusted and scrubbed the counter tops. I went to the dryer to grab the clean sheets, making quick work of smoothing them over my bed.
I was pulling up the comforter when I noticed a sliver of something white under the table by the bed. It was the corner of a piece of paper and was barely visible unless you really concentrated on looking at it. I bent over to pick it up and my hands shook when I saw the familiar, elegant handwriting on the paper.
Josephine-
I know I should wake you, however you are sleeping so beautifully that I cannot bear to disturb you. I must fly to New York to deal with emergency Council business. I will be back as soon as possible. I promise to explain everything in detail when I return.
Eternally yours,
Stefan
The note slipped from my fingertips and my eyes blankly watched the paper flutter to the floor. For a moment, I was frozen in place and my mind went completely numb. I shook myself and wildly ran the length of the hallway, fumbling with my purse to find my phone. I somehow managed to dial his number with shaking fingers.
“You have reached Stefan Lifsten. Leave a message after the tone.”
“Stefan. It's Josie. Please call me. I'm sorry. Please...call...” I choked into the phone. “I..I just found your note. I..I didn't know. I'm so stupid. So very fucking stupid.”
Pressing 'end', I tossed my phone on the couch. I was angry at myself for not even giving him the chance to explain and assuming the worst.
All I could do now was wait and hope that Stefan was forgiving of idiotic women.
**
I was sitting cross legged on the bed with my laptop propped on a pillow, attempting to work on my latest book without much success. I was typing when I heard the sound of car tires turn onto the gravel of my driveway and watched as headlights flashed across my bedroom wall. Swallowing nervously, I placed my laptop on the floor with shaking hands and listened to the sound of a car engine turning off.
I hurried down the hallway and opened the front door, swallowing back the sob that threatened to break free when I saw Stefan leaning against his car. His hands were shoved into the front pockets of his jeans and when he turned to face me, our eyes locked. The pain I saw in his eyes drew me to him and for once in my life, I didn't stop to think.
I forgot about my bare feet as I ran over the sharp gravel to him. I collapsed against him, fisting my hands in the back of his t-shirt and burrowing my head into his broad chest, finally letting go of the sob I'd been holding in. He pulled me roughly to him, our bodies reconnecting and molding together as if we'd never been apart.
“Josephine,” he spoke in a broken whisper, the simple sound of his deep voice causing tears of relief to spill from my eyes.
“I'm sorry, Stefan. I didn't know. I didn't find your note. I…” I mumbled against his chest.
“Shh. No more talking right now. We would not want Georgia to come over, would we?” Stefan whispered mischievously in my ear.
I laughed weakly, remembering when I was the one telling him not to talk. It seemed like a lifetime ago to me.
“I'm sorry. I should have let you explain,” I whispered, looking up into his blue eyes. “I love you. I don't want another minute to pass without telling you.”
“As I love you, vackra. It is a misunderstanding. This is the part where I forgive you and we move on. I think I read that is what one does in a situation like this. It was good advice from a cheesy romance novel, yes?”
I pulled my head away from him to look into his eyes with disbelief. He was going to just forget all the horrible things I'd said to him and act as if nothing had happened? Why was it so easy for him to love and forgive me?
Being forgiving of stubborn, idiotic women must be one of his super powers.
He gazed into my eyes and a wry smile pulled at the corner of his lips. In one fluid movement, he leaned forward and covered my mouth with his own. His lips were hard and hungry against mine, causing a sl
ow burn of desire to curl through me. I moaned softly into his mouth and wrapped my arms tightly around his neck.
He reluctantly pulled away, pressing his forehead against mine lightly. His voice was soft when he began to speak. “There is much we need to discuss, Josephine.”
“When did you become the serious, level headed one, Romeo?”
My mental response seemed to amuse him. Deep laughter rumbled in his chest as he picked me up and carried me into the villa. He sat down on the couch and cradled me in his arms, my head resting against his shoulder. He lowered his blond head to lightly touch his cool lips against mine in a chaste kiss.
“It is not a super power, Josephine. I love you and I want no one else but you. For me, it is simple. There is nothing to forgive, it was a misunderstanding. I should have told you that I was being forced to go instead of leaving you a note. I could have called you to explain.” He exhaled a slow breath, his eyes narrowing dangerously. “Fucking vampire bullshit.”
“I could have listened that night at Anna's house. I was so angry and hurt, Stefan. The thing I feared the most happened the morning when I woke up alone and had no idea what happened to you. I thought you left me...” I said, my voice lowering in distress. The memories of our time apart flashed through my mind and the sense of abandonment I felt was still fresh and was painful to think about. His body tensed and flinched underneath me as he read my thoughts, the link between us resonating with pain.
“Let me explain to you what happened the morning I left. You were sleeping and I received a text message from a member of the Administrative Board. One of the Council members was acting carelessly and his behavior was threatening to expose our existence. That is what you would call a 'no-no' for us.” His voice was bitter and his lips were set in a thin line. “As an Enforcer, I had to convince Derek it was in his best interest to not continue his actions. We finally reached an agreement.”
Fated Page 10
