JACKIE: Okay. I got it.
COUSIN JULIO: Good. Eat those fuckin’ eggs, I want a clean plate. Okay?
JACKIE: Okay.
COUSIN JULIO: Bueno. After you eat, we get your stuff from that Ralph’s house. And after you get your stuff, even though it’s over, maybe you go see Veronica and apologize.
JACKIE: Apologize? For what?
COUSIN JULIO: You don’t remember breaking into her home last night?
JACKIE: What?
COUSIN JULIO: You did very bad things in her home.
JACKIE: I didn’t go to her house!
COUSIN JULIO: Where do you think I picked you up from?
JACKIE: C’mon, bro.
COUSIN JULIO: Laying in a pool of blood, papi! You’re lucky she called me to get you.
JACKIE: Wait a second. For real. You telling me I saw Veronica last night?!
COUSIN JULIO: Saw her?! Jaquito, believe me, you more than saw her!
JACKIE: Well what did I do there?
COUSIN JULIO: Ay papi, God created blackouts for a reason — trust me — you don’t wanna know.
JACKIE: Yo Julio, whatever I supposedly did, she fuckin’ deserved it, believe me, and I don’t give a fuck anyway, in fact, I don’t care at all, so just tell me, what is it that I supposedly did?
COUSIN JULIO: You said many unkind things.
JACKIE: Like what?
COUSIN JULIO: They were unkind. I can’t elaborate.
JACKIE: Why not?
COUSIN JULIO: You also told her about all your infidelities while you were with her from the eighth grade up until last month. You had four, correct?
JACKIE: Oh my God, I told her that?
COUSIN JULIO: Plus, you mentioned a Raquel Marrero? That you wanted badly to fuck, but used to imagine you were fucking while you were fucking Veronica instead —
JACKIE: I said that name exactly?
COUSIN JULIO: Si. I believe you did. In fact you mentioned a nice session you and Veronica had last week, and that you had achieved that extra vigor ’cuz in your mind, you were with Raquel Marrero.
JACKIE: Fuck.
COUSIN JULIO: Oh yeah, papi. I mean, your list of infidelities wasn’t long, but it was graphic. And when it comes to affairs of the heart, Jaquito — even one name is too many. It happened once with my Marisol, she confessed an infidelity to me. She blew a coworker at a holiday gathering — I was devastated, believe me.
JACKIE: Man. Sorry.
COUSIN JULIO: Thank you. It’s okay. It only goes to show you: Even picture-perfect relationships, you have to tend to them. I had become distracted, I was neglecting my Marisol, I was withdrawn and sullen, not communicating, not giving her the cock of Julio — and eventually, the result happened: oral sex in the bathroom of a third-rate family restaurant. Applebees. Disgraciado! Very unpleasant.
JACKIE: But you worked it out?
COUSIN JULIO: Yes.
JACKIE: Did she tell you who it was that, you know?
COUSIN JULIO: She made that mistake. Yes. I located him. I confronted him. The results were not pleasant.
JACKIE: What happened?
COUSIN JULIO: Violence. Like I told you before, I hear the whispers when people say things about me. That man, who defiled the mouth of my Marisol — he thought I was passive — a Mary Jane. A pansy. No sir. I punished him. I punished him badly. I punished him like Van Damme, papi. Like Jean-Claude. He had to know who Julio was. I showed him. I think he will be much more careful where he slides his penis in the future. Afterwards, I threw up all night.
JACKIE: I gotta go.
COUSIN JULIO: To see Ralph?
JACKIE: No.
COUSIN JULIO: You’re lying.
JACKIE: Stay out of it, bro.
COUSIN JULIO: I’ll go with you.
JACKIE: No.
COUSIN JULIO: Jaquito: Either I go with you, or you don’t go.
JACKIE: You’re gonna stop me?
COUSIN JULIO: No. Never. This Ralph, he deserves punishment. Maybe he has guilt. He deserves guilt — and a Louisville Slugger to his knee caps. I know that. You know that. Even Ralph knows that. But that will not happen because you are on parole … Do you appreciate me, Jackie?
JACKIE: Yeah, man, of course.
COUSIN JULIO: Do you like me?
JACKIE: Bro, thass a stupid question. You’re my cousin. Of course I like you. And I’m sorry —
COUSIN JULIO: Callate! We will go see Ralph together. Two cousins. We will get your things. We will strive to avoid violence. But if violence comes, leave it to Julio.
JACKIE: Bro —
COUSIN JULIO: I will be a perfect gentleman. But say the word, and believe me — Van Damme will happen. You will be more than satisfied.
JACKIE: I can handle this on my own.
COUSIN JULIO: Maybe you can, maybe you can’t. But it’s always good to have a friend.
JACKIE: I don’t need a friend.
COUSIN JULIO: Don’t be stupid — who doesn’t need a friend?
JACKIE: Look, bro — we’re not really friends, okay? I mean you helped me out last night, and you helped me out with the gun, and you send greeting cards for like holidays that I didn’t know even existed and I appreciate all that, don’t think I don’t, but I ain’t looking to go on, like, camping trips together, or, like, go bowling, or be buddies, ’cuz that ain’t reality, okay? I am who I am, and you are who you are —
COUSIN JULIO: — Meaning what?
JACKIE: Meaning you’re fucking weird, bro. Meaning, we got no common interests, meaning I ain’t try to shop at rent-a-friend. You said it yourself the other day: I’m not very nice to you, I take you for granted, I don’t visit —
COUSIN JULIO: What I do, I do for your mother.
JACKIE: Well, don’t do it for her, ’cuz she’s fuckin dead. And that’s bullshit anyway. You don’t do it for my mother, you do it because you’re lonely and you don’t really got anything else to do.
COUSIN JULIO: That’s — that’s startling. You startle me with bad manners and stupidity and ego.
JACKIE: Well it’s the fuckin’ truth, ain’t it?
COUSIN JULIO: (Re: JACKIE.) … Some people, they just refuse to be loved. That’s your problem, not mine. I love being loved. I love loving. I love life.
JACKIE: Well that’s good.
COUSIN JULIO: It is good. You should try it sometime.
JACKIE: Yeah — I know a few things you should try.
COUSIN JULIO: You want to end this relationship? You want me to go away and leave you alone? Okay. Then tell me what I should try. Tell me, Jackie. (Pause.)
JACKIE: I’m in pain. I’m hurting. Okay? Can’t you see that? I fuckin’ hurt. And my whole life — the little bit of a life I had — that shit is gone. Sobriety: gone. Best friend: gone. Veronica: gone. Apartment: gone. I got a job like two days ago: That shit is already gone. My mom is gone. Veronica is gone, man. She’s gone.
COUSIN JULIO: You don’t know that for sure. (Beat.)
JACKIE: I gotta go.
COUSIN JULIO: Not alone you don’t. And if the situation was reversed, you’d do the same for me.
JACKIE: I wouldn’t.
COUSIN JULIO: You would.
JACKIE: Believe me, bro — I wouldn’t give a fuck.
COUSIN JULIO: Because you’re such a “bad” guy?
JACKIE: Dass right. I’m a fuckin asshole, bro — okay? So get off my ass! (JACKIE turns away. He sits and grows quiet. Pause.)
COUSIN JULIO: Hey. Jaquito. Do you remember the first time we smoked marijuana together? By the sundial at Columbia after dark? With those boys and girls, and Veronica was there and you liked her so much but you couldn’t talk to her? … And we all smoked that marijuana, then we smoked those cigarettes — Kools, yes? And then that boy Victor Collado and his sister, I don’t remember her name, they invited all of us for spin-the-bottle on Morningside, but they said I couldn’t come?
JACKIE: Yeah, man, whatever.
COUSIN JULIO: Not whatever. You left me, rem
ember? Stoned for the first time, and you left me on the sundial alone and went off with them. And I remember, when you all walked away, when you were almost out of sight, Veronica, she took your hand. You remember that?
JACKIE: C’mon, man.
COUSIN JULIO: I was alone. And I was high like shit. And I was sad like shit. And I was thirsty like shit, my mouth was like sand. And I couldn’t believe you left me. I understood about Veronica, how you liked her so much, and spin-the-bottle, and being invited, and that opportunity, but still, I never thought you would do something like that, leave me, but you did, and I didn’t know what to do. I was stoned, yes, but I truly felt my life was over. Gone. And then, after five minutes, I hear; “Yo, stupido.” And there you were. With a Welch’s Grape and a 25-cent juicy and a little red bag of barbeque potato chips. How old were we?
JACKIE: Eleven. Twelve maybe.
COUSIN JULIO: How did my eleven-years-old cousin have the sensitivity to pass on being with the girl whose name he wrote in all his notebooks, and the cool crowd of Victor Collado and his sister’s friends, in order to waste his first high eating potato chips with his faggot cousin and talking about, what, speed boats? Loni Anderson?
JACKIE: That was a long time ago.
COUSIN JULIO: Yes. It was a long time ago. And it was yesterday. So. I brush my teeth now, I tape my left knee, then we go to Ralph. You. Me. Van Damme.
SCENE 8
RALPH D.’s apartment — afternoon. RALPH D. and VICTORIA eat pancakes in their bathrobes.
RALPH D: … Blueberry pancakes for dinner — now this is a treat, eh?
VICTORIA: … Umm-hmm.
RALPH D: Come on, admit it: Your man Ralph can flap some jacks like nobody’s business!
VICTORIA: … They’re very good.
RALPH D: … And these sausages — mmm, mmm, mmm — someone call the vegan police!
VICTORIA: Once in a while is okay. (Pause.)
RALPH D: … So I was thinking, and, “I know, I know,” and I do truly know, I mean totally, but, I was thinking: Maybe we could go down to Antigua for, like —
VICTORIA: Ralph, don’t overdo it.
RALPH D: Overdo what?
VICTORIA: Ralph.
RALPH D: … Okay. You’re right. Sorry. (Pause.)
VICTORIA: … The pancakes really are very good.
RALPH D: … They are. They definitely are. (Pause.)
VICTORIA: It was thoughtful of you to make them.
RALPH D: Well, and it’s thoughtful of you to eat them. (Beat.) I love eating breakfast for dinner with you.
VICTORIA: Ralph.
RALPH D: Sorry. (Beat.)
VICTORIA: But these are really good pancakes.
RALPH D: Thanks. (There’s a knock at the door.)
VICTORIA: Who is that?
RALPH D: I don’t know.
VICTORIA: Answer it, I’m going inside. (VICTORIA exits to the bedroom. RALPH answers the door.)
RALPH D: Wow. Hey guys, it’s good to see you. How are you?
VICTORIA: (Offstage.) Ralph! Who’s at the door?
RALPH D: It’s Jackie, honey. And his cousin Julio. I guess they came by to say hello. (To JACKIE.) Been a couple days — you okay?
JACKIE: I been staying with Julio.
RALPH D: Cool. How are you, Julio? I been handing out your business cards.
COUSIN JULIO: How generous of you.
(VICTORIA enters in sweats carrying a purse.)
JACKIE: Hey, Victoria.
VICTORIA: Hey, Jackie.
COUSIN JULIO: I’m Julio.
VICTORIA: Nice to meet you.
COUSIN JULIO: The pleasure is mine.
JACKIE: (To VICTORIA.) How’s things?
VICTORIA: Good. And you?
JACKIE: Um. Good.
VICTORIA: Good … Ralph, I’m going for a walk. I’ll be awhile.
RALPH D: Okay, honey, hey, bring back some of that papaya shit from that place, okay?
VICTORIA: I’m not going that way.
RALPH D: How ’bout on your way back? (VICTORIA exits.) So what’s up, bro, how you been — you wanna watch the game?
JACKIE: Uh —
COUSIN JULIO: — We’ve come for Jackie’s things. Step aside. Please.
RALPH D: Excuse me?
COUSIN JULIO: Friend, I don’t think you want me to have to repeat myself.
RALPH D: Uh, bro, what’s up with that?
COUSIN JULIO: “What’s up with that?” Hmmm. I do not know.
(JULIO brushes past RALPH and picks up a bag with JACKIE’s things.)
RALPH D: (Re: JULIO.) What’s up with him?
JACKIE: I don’t know.
RALPH D: You okay?
JACKIE: Me? I’m great.
COUSIN JULIO: Ready to go?
JACKIE: No.
COUSIN JULIO: Are we staying then?
JACKIE: I’m staying for a little bit. Could you wait for me in the lobby?
COUSIN JULIO: Van Damme?
JACKIE: No.
COUSIN JULIO: Van Damme is ready.
JACKIE: Nah, man, no Van Damme. I’m cool, bro.
COUSIN JULIO: Van Damme is hungry.
JACKIE: Bro. Wait in the lobby. I’m cool. (JULIO considers then, then approaches RALPH.)
COUSIN JULIO: I’ll be in the lobby.
RALPH D: Uh … okay?
COUSIN JULIO: The lobby. Yes.
RALPH D: Right. The lobby. (JULIO gets extremely close to RALPH’s face.)
COUSIN JULIO: If anything happens bad here, to my cousin, my friend: You will know me. And you don’t want that. Believe me … Believe me good. Yes … Besos … Ciao. (To JACKIE.) I’ll be in the lobby. (JULIO exits.)
RALPH D: … This must be about Ronnie.
JACKIE: “Ronnie”?!
RALPH D: Veronica, yeah. That’s what this is about, right? (JACKIE takes out a gun.) Whoa. What the fuck are you doing?
JACKIE: It’s empty.
RALPH D: Yeah?
JACKIE: Yeah. See?
RALPH D: Oh. Okay. Whoa. (JACKIE tosses the gun on the floor.) What about the bullets?
JACKIE: Julio hid them. I don’t know where. I looked though.
RALPH D: You did?
JACKIE: Oh, yeah. Until I realized that if I wanted you dead, I don’t need Chuchi Alvarado’s gun to do it.
RALPH D: Bro, let’s just talk, okay? I mean whatever you got to say, whatever you wanna know —
JACKIE: Fuckin’ Chuchi, he’s fuckin’ crazy.
RALPH D: I heard that, yeah.
JACKIE: Yeah, man: Chuchi don’t give a fuck. Some people, they act like they don’t give a fuck, but Chuchi, he ain’t acting.
RALPH D: What, is he downstairs or something?
JACKIE: When we were little, bro — Chuchi lived upstairs from us. His fuckin’ mother, she was a hooker, liked to party an’ shit, ya know — she’d leave Little Chuchi all alone at night, pay him twenty-five cents an hour to babysit himself, and he’d be all crying and scared —
RALPH D: That’s, uh, that’s rough —
JACKIE: Yeah, so every night, after his mother would leave, my moms would go bring Little Chuchi over to our house, and stay up with him so he didn’t have to be alone. I didn’t even see him half the time, I’d already be in bed, my pops too, but I could hear my moms reading stories to Chuchi, and then sneaking him back upstairs at dawn before his moms came home.
RALPH D: Yeah, man — that’s real nice —
JACKIE: — Yeah, but his mother was a whore, and her boyfriend was a violent coke fiend, plus Chuchi’s real father liked fucking Little Chuchi in his ass whenever he paid the occasional visit, so, basically, Chuchi grew up to be a maniac. A killer at fourteen. I mean, we would literally sprint — not run — fuckin’ sprint if we saw his ass within a four-block radius. But what I didn’t know at the time was that Chuchi remembered about what my moms did for him, so, the funny thing is: He fuckin’ loved me. And I never knew it till I was like eighteen ’cuz I was always running. But ever since, it don’t mat
ter what, he could be in the middle of a fuckin’ armed robbery, and if he saw me coming down the block, he’d be like; “Yo, Jackie O, what do you need.” It’s crazy. I mean, Chuchi once ripped a guy’s face off. Like actually peeled it off — it was in the Post. And yet he cried at my mom’s funeral like a baby. He did-n’t wanna be a pallbearer — nah — he wanted to carry her coffin on his back by his own self … Funny how people can be more than one thing — ain’t it?
RALPH D: Look, Jackie —
JACKIE: He’d kill your ass like it was opening presents on Christmas morning, bro. Like that. And the motherfucker would thank me for letting him do it. Ain’t that something?
RALPH D: Okay, so, I’m supposed to live in fear for the rest of my life, or, like, move to Ohio — is that it?
JACKIE: I was in prison for twenty-six months, and I had this little picture of Veronica and I only looked at it if I was sure there was no other motherfuckers around because motherfuckers would like to borrow your photos and shit to jerk off to.
RALPH D: That’s, I mean, yeah —
JACKIE: I was thinking this morning about how special it was when I had the private time to take out her photo and just look at it. It was, it was special, bro.
RALPH D: Look, why don’t we just cut to the chase here: you were locked up, me and Veronica started seeing each other —
JACKIE: Seeing each other?!
RALPH D: We were intimate, okay? We were intimate, and it was wrong, and, fuck man, I didn’t plan it, but —
JACKIE: — Yeah, man. ’Cuz, when I was just looking at her photo up in the joint, I would like kiss it sometimes, and meanwhile, while I was doing that —
RALPH D: I was fucking her. Yes. Okay? I fucked your girlfriend. I fucked her in my car, I fucked her in a motel one time, I fucked her in your bed last week. I’m not trying to lie about it —
JACKIE: You’re my friend!
RALPH D: I’m your sponsor.
JACKIE: Your girl baked me cookies!
RALPH D: Yeah, and your girl sucked my dick! Okay?! You wanna try and kick my ass, go ahead. You wanna send over your friend Chi Chi or whoever to come take my face off, what the fuck am I supposed to do about it? I’m not a fuckin’ perfect person, bro, and I never claimed to be. All I am is a guy who hasn’t gotten high or had a drink in fifteen years! I’m just a guy just like you’re just a guy. No fuckin’ halo! Just a guy trying to stay sober! And if you want what I have, I’ll show you how I got it. But that is it. Everything else — and you may not wanna hear this and I get that and I’m sorry — but everything else, shit — it really is just a day at a time, bro.
The Motherf**ker with the Hat Page 5
