Potius Mori Quam Foedar, he read to himself. The Latin phrase seemed familiar, but outside of computers, languages had never been his forte.
Shifting his head to see the newcomer better, Roger opened his eyes and swallowed deep before speaking. “Hey. I remember you.”
“Good to hear. Has your head cleared a bit?”
“Yeah it has.” Roger’s hands roamed over the various bandages Maria had applied. “Your lady friend knows what she’s doing.”
“She’s good at what she does,” Jedd replied, his thoughts turning to her earlier rampage.
He was ashamed of his reasons for trusting this man, but the familiarity was too much. He could not bring himself to leave the man lying in the alleyway.
Clearing his throat, he asked, “How’s everything else feeling?”
“A mite better than before. That’s for sure. The Latino gal gave me some pills to dull the pain.” The potent drugs allowed his natural Cajun accent to distort his speech, slurring his words like a drunken sailor. But it was still an improvement from before. Raising himself on to a wavering elbow, he shook the bottle. It was almost overflowing.
“That should last you a while.”
“Hopefully I won’t have to go through them too fast. Some of these might be good for later. You never know when you might get in a scrape. That’s my motto.”
Jedd pulled a solitary chair out of the corner and seated himself next to Roger’s bed. With the mention of mottos, he had to ask. “How about that one on your arm? What’s it mean?”
The reminder of the past shook Roger and the anguish flowed into his eyes. He slid back onto the mobile hospital bed and shut his eyes to the world before speaking. “It’s a motto I adopted long ago, but have a hard time living up to.” Pointing at the tattoo he translated the Latin phrase, “That means, Death Before Dishonor.”
Jedd had heard it before, many years ago. It was yet another fragile connection in a small, disturbed world. Lane Boatweit, a dear friend, had had the same tattoo emblazoned on his shoulder; a remnant from his stint in the Navy.
“Military?” he asked.
Roger’s voice became distant as though speaking to Jedd from another time, but he was still listening. “Yeah, I did some time in the Navy. Probably the best years of my life. As soon as I took the helm though, things spiraled out of control.”
Jedd considered his own mishaps and bad luck before commenting, “I know what you mean. Life can sometimes be brutal.”
“In the service I didn’t have to worry about anything other than where a little spare cash might come from.” Roger narrated the story, reliving a dozen years under curtained eyelids.
“I didn’t have to worry about betting so much that I couldn’t eat, or pay the rent. I won my fair share on the ship. Enough that I could buy a carton of smokes here and there on someone else’s dime. I was on easy street.”
A subtle smile appeared as the lone man’s story spoke of better times, but flipped the next moment. “Then I got out, and my luck went down the crapper. Everything changed … I got discharged for medical. They said I couldn’t keep up with the other seamen. I was even up for my next rate, but as soon as we hit port, they tossed me out on my ass so quick, I nearly took out the beam.” The last statement came out with a drunken laugh, as though the end of his happiness, even narrated, should be told with a smile.
“I don’t blame them though, it was my own damn fault. I got caught up in the cards. We even played when we was on watch. I was supposed to be training and all I’d be thinking about was Aces, Kings, and Flushes. Hell, I’d even dream about them damn cards. And it wasn’t no better when I got out. It just got worse.” As Roger’s discourse continued the meds faded, but his Cajun drawl persisted.
There were few interruptions as Jedd agreed or commented on his experiences, but Roger’s decisions tormented him. No matter what he did, he always suffered in the end. By the time Roger finished, Jedd felt a kinship to this man, something he lost when Lane was killed.
“And what do you have to show for it now?” he asked, referring to his choices.
“Not a damn thing,” Roger replied. “How about yourself? You got any vices you can’t seem to throw overboard?”
After reflecting on his own life, Jedd considered divulged a bit of his past to his new acquaintance. Normally alarms would sound when he got this close to letting someone in, but this time all he heard was silence. “More than we’ve got time for, but one in particular has me doubled over and screaming for mercy right now.”
He sighed before explaining further, as though the telling gave him release. “I lost my family years ago. What’s worse is … it was my choice. They’re still livin' and all, but my presence put them in danger.”
“Man, that’s harsh,” said Roger, meaning every word. Taking an interest, he hoisted himself up on one elbow.
Jedd’s head was bowed as he spoke to the floor, as though it would help keep his secret. The words flowed from him, allowing him to feel relief after so many years of isolation. So engrossed were they that neither heard the slight shuffle of Maria’s footsteps as she made her way out of the darkened office and up to the backlit curtain. Hearing the soft baritone and tenor voices, she stopped and listened.
“I got responsibilities that I have to take on, because no one else can do them.”
Roger interjected, “But you got family responsibilities too, man, don’t you?”
“Yeah, but there’s no one that can do this other thing, and I made a promise.” After a short pause Jedd pleaded, “… A little girl’s life depends on it. My son … as much as I love him … he has his mother. This little girl’s got no one. I’m damned if I do, and damned if I don’t.”
Roger watched the top of his dark head bob, but said nothing as the tears escaped the inner turmoil of Jedd’s soul. They leapt from his chin as though searching for peace, but after a short flight to the cement floor, they were scattered by its unyielding hardness. The shame and betrayal was mirrored on Roger’s face as he watched with heartfelt pity.
Maria listened behind the opaque curtain, the starless sky of the building showering her in darkness. Her own tears created rivers that no dam could stop and hung from the base of her chin like stumps of shattered icicles.
Echoing Jedd’s own logical mind, Roger broke the silence. “Then you had to, man. We’re all dealt a shitty hand at times and yours seems worse than most, but you had to.”
Jedd’s muffled voice echoed off the floor. “I know. I keep telling myself that. But did I really? She isn’t my real daughter, but my family doesn’t know the truth. They can’t know. No one can.”
“Look man, I know it’s hard. I had a wife … no kids, but I had a wife. She left me and took everything that was left of our marriage. And with her went the little pride I had left. I’ve been tossed a bum rap, but most of it was my own doing.” The admittance was difficult for Roger to say, but he pushed on. “The one thing I can say is that at least those were my choices, no one else’s, and I’ve got to live with them. And so do you.”
He grimaced as a cramp swept through the bandages and up his side. The bruises were giving him a bit more trouble as the meds wore off. Popping the cap on the bottle, Roger threw two pills down his gullet and swallowed.
Jedd could not deny the logic of Roger’s argument. I’m feeling sorry for myself while Madelin’s still out there, he thought. I haven’t found her yet, but she’s got to be there.
Taking hold, the programmer swept the salty tears from his cheeks with a shirt sleeve and met the concerned face atop the medical bed.
“You’re right. I can’t feel sorry for myself, especially while she’s out there.” Sitting back in the chair he let the cool air fill his lungs, in control once again.
A sniffle announced the presence of Maria as she swept aside the curtain. Stepping in, she said, “Good to see you both awake.”
A sorrowful glance told him how long she had been listening. He could not blame her considering t
he pack of lies he told the last few times they met, but he was sure she understood why they were necessary.
Maria split the sandwich she made for Roger in two and handed half to each of them. “Is it just me or do the two of you look like you’ve been through a meat grinder?”
The memory of the gauntness he had seen in the mirror haunted him. He was so caught up in his search for Madelin and his own self-pity that he had not considered how he must look.
“Uhhh … .it’s been a long day,” he replied.
“Not long enough to do that, mi amor.” Her voice was flecked with some of its previous lightheartedness. “Eat this. It should help. Unfortunately, I only have the bread and meat, but it should help.”
Roger accepted his graciously, his eye brightening with her appearance and the gift of food. “You certainly know the way to a man’s heart, don’t you, beautiful.”
With an appreciative smile and a light pat on his cheek she turned and disappeared the way she came.
A rueful smile played across Roger’s lips as he admired the sandwich. Without another thought he dove into it, devouring the crumbs and licking his fingers afterwards. Jedd ate his slower, his concentration focused on Madelin.
* * * * *
Chapter 12: Truth or Lies?
With his mouth still full, Roger commented, “Hey buddy, I never got your name. You got mine, while I’m left wondering.”
Caught up in the conversation, Jedd had forgotten about the formalities. “Sorry, Roger.” He lowered the volume to a whisper. “It’s Jedd, Jedd Altran.”
The change clued Roger into something he had not realized. “Wait up. You mean to tell me, Maria don’t even know that name?”
“Something like that. We know each other on a more professional level that requires a necessary vagueness.” Jedd peered deep into Roger’s eyes as he said this, reinforcing the significance of the statement.
Buying into the story, Roger lowered his own voice. “How do I know this is your real name? How do I know you aren’t just playing me like the guys who juiced me up last night?”
Jedd’s face adopted every facet of seriousness before answering with a pointed finger, “Roger, do you think I would’ve introduced you to Maria, a friend that should not be discussed outside of our little circle,” he reminded him, “if I’d meant you any harm? Let alone picked your swollen ass up off the sidewalk?”
With a chuckle, Roger held up a hand as though waving a white flag and pleaded through his laughter. “Okay, okay … I give. You got me there. My head must still be swimming a bit. Besides, those guys have it out for me. I’m supposed to have a grand to them by the end of the day.”
Reminded of the more immediate threat looming over Roger’s head, Jedd asked with concern, “So, what are you going to do?”
“No idea, Jedd,” the name rolled off his tongue without hesitation. “I know I don’t have the money.”
“Well, I could get the money, but if I did it would come from somebody else’s pocket.” After a moment’s pause for thought Jedd mumbled, as though someone might be listening around a curtained corner, “Do they deserve the money? How’d you lose it?”
Roger considered his answer. It was an odd thing to ask. “Well, there’s a lot of people who’ve got money and don’t deserve it, but I did lose the money legit like in a game of cards.” He allowed his answer to sink in before adding a moment later, “I don’t think the real question has to do with who deserves what. The real question is one I’ve had a hard time dealing with for years; what is the honorable thing to do?”
The question forced Jedd to a shuddering stop and threw all thoughts out of orbit. The words echoed through his memories, but the voice was different. How long had it been since his old friend, Lane, had said those words to him? He was certain Madelin could not remember her father but Jedd’s memory of him was vibrant and alive, which made reality that much more unbearable.
“Honor is something I don’t have much time to think about, but I do understand.”
Jedd considered the reaction of the unfortunate person who would find their bank account coming up short, and knew it would not be right to float Roger the money.
It’s not mine to give, he thought. Besides, I could never pay it back. Food and other necessities are one thing, while paying off Roger’s debt is another entirely.
As the answer became clear, Jedd spoke up with finality, “If it’s a question of honor, then I can’t get you the money.”
Roger shook his head, having come to the same conclusion. “And I couldn’t take it, even if you were willing. Like I said, we all have to live with our decisions. I bet what I didn’t have. Unfortunately, it looks like your lady friend may have gone to all this trouble for nothing. These guys ain’t forgiving, but it’s what I deserve.”
Thinking fast, Jedd could not help but contradict the last statement. Roger’s immediate willingness to give up was irritating. “Well, if it’s what you deserve, a higher power will decide it. Don’t give up. Take your life back and let fate decide. You can’t live in fear.”
How can he get out of this? Jedd considered. If he’s limited to doing things honorably, there isn’t much he can do. But what if he comes with me?
“Roger, what if I can give you an option that’ll give you time?”
“What do you mean?”
“I think I know how to find my little girl and it might also be a solution to your problem.”
With his interest peaked, Roger leaned in. “How so?”
“Well, that’s where it gets a little complicated. You’ll just have to trust me when I say, I can take you where they’ll never find you.”
“Wait a second,” interrupted Roger. “I know how I’ve lived, but if I’m to make some changes, I can’t run away. Besides, these guys’ll find me wherever I go.”
“No, no, no,” Jedd reassured him, “look … the responsible thing would be to pay them back. If you can’t do that right now and they’re not gonna give you the time, then you have to find a safe place until you have the money. Then you can pay them back later, with interest. That would be the most honorable way to take care of things.”
Roger leaned back on the bed in thought as Jedd added, “Besides, you’d be helping to save the life of an innocent young girl.”
Roger interlaced his fingers behind his head and weighed his options. Jedd had saved his life and put all of their lives on the line by bringing him here. This was a chance to both repay his kindness and trust, while also doing the responsible thing, in a roundabout way. He had to try.
Speaking up from his prone position, Roger said, “Okay, I’m in. I owe you big for what you done for me. What do I have to do and where can we go?”
Jedd pondered the question for a minute. Roger is doing this to pay me back, but how far will that loyalty go? I’ve seen these debts forgotten too often when times get tough. For the last thirteen years, people have been trying to kill me and my family. The road ahead’s gonna be rough.
Unwilling to allow Roger to walk into the same situation his family had been in, he added, “Look, Roger, I don’t want you to do this out of some feeling of obligation. My life is full of people trying to kill me. I’ve even had to kill myself to stay under the radar.” The shock and realization of what he had said stunned Jedd into a moment of silent reflection. “According to the real world, I’m dead,” he clarified with a nod.
Gathering his bearings, he continued, “This is a solution, and it’ll allow you some safety from those guys who’re looking for you, but don’t think it’ll be a cake walk. With me you’ll have to deal with my problems, too. It might be like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire.” Jedd let that sink in a moment. “Don’t get me wrong, I could use your help and so could Madelin, but I don’t want you to walk in to something without knowing what you’re up against.”
Roger contemplated his own life and the problems Jedd had spoken of, but he knew that without a drastic change he would revert to his old ways. At leas
t for the short time they allowed him to live. Besides, how could he walk away from someone he owed his life to when they were giving him a solution to all his problems? He could set sail on a Navy destroyer without the commander and crew easier than he could walk away at that moment.
“Jedd, listen. I get what you’re saying, I do. It ain’t a problem. I deal with things when they come up and I can’t leave here the same man I was when I stumbled in.” Indicating the tattoo on his own shoulder, he continued, “This is what I’ve got to get back to. This is who I really am. You saved my life, whether you believe it or not, and you ain’t getting rid of me with a few stories about boogie men. I’m a man who pays back his debts.”
The last statement was said with finality and Jedd could see the determination in Roger’s face. There was no hope of dissuading this man if he wanted to. A smile crept up on him as he watched the loyal nature of his friend. Offering a hand, Roger took it, but winced at the pressure.
Then the gambler asked, “So, what do we do now?”
“That’s a little complicated.”
The vague answer gave Roger the feeling that there may be more to this than he thought.
Jedd explained further, “I wasn’t able to find Madelin before, but I can’t just give up.”
“I know that,” Roger replied, appalled that Jedd would even consider the idea. “Look, there has to be a way to find her.”
He took a moment to decide how to approach the next step. “I know, and I think I know where to look now. Let me rest here a few minutes and sort things out. Then I’m sure I’ll know what to do.”
Puzzled, Roger stopped himself from asking anything more. He just watched as Jedd sat back in the chair, closed his eyes, and drifted off into a quiet sleep. The one indication that he was even alive was his deep repetitive breathing. It occurred to Roger that it was more reliable than a Navy band metronome.
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