‘Blast,’ said Florid. ‘It’s that damn Grabbit again. They’re terrible thieves,’ he said in an aside to Tamar. ‘Push off Hobo,’ he said to the Grabbit
‘But I want to come with you on your adventure,’ whined the Grabbit. ‘I want to see the dragon. Dragons have a lot of treasure,’ he added, his eyes gleaming.’
‘How many times do I have to tell you, there is no dragon,’ said Florid. ‘Now piss off you little bastard or else you’ll be sorry.’
‘But I’m your good luck,’ protested the Grabbit. ‘Lucky sevens. And you’ll need me when you find the dragon, who else can steal the treasure for you?’
‘All right, that’s it,’ said Florid. ‘Get him lads.’ The dwarfs roared fearsomely and charged.
Stiles was horrified, but Tamar seemed unperturbed, she smiled at Stiles and winked. Stiles took this to mean that she knew something that he did not and he relaxed.
‘Nobody knows where they come from,’ Florid told them, as they watched the scuffle. ‘They mostly work in the cracker factories, making up riddles, you know, for the inside of the crackers. But you can’t trust ’em an inch, and they’re all crazy. This one’s been following us around for months. Got it into its head that we’re looking for a dragon, well you heard it.’
‘What did he mean, lucky sevens?’ asked Tamar, her eyes dancing with suppressed laughter.
‘Oh, they believe that luck goes in sevens, so he thinks he’s our lucky number twenty one, crazy I tell you.’
There was an outraged cry from the dwarfs. ‘It’s gone again, vanished into thin air,’ said Dozy.
‘Not again?’ said Florid. ‘We don’t know how he does it,’ he told Tamar. ‘It’s not as if they have any magic.’
Tamar stifled a grin.
‘All right lads,’ he said. ‘As long as it’s gone, let’s get going.’
‘Well, that was …’ said Stiles.
‘I know,’ agreed Tamar.
* * *
‘What do you make of it?’ Denny asked Hecaté.
They had teleported to Jamie’s location, after Hecaté had looked in the scrying washing up bowl and declared that she would need a closer look at him. They were now watching him from round a corner. Jamie was crouched like a frightened animal behind some bins at the back entrance to a restaurant.
‘Oh, I hardly like to say,’ said Hecaté evasively. ‘It is so – so much a cliché, no not a cliché more of a – how would you say it? A storybook fantasy. Besides, it is so unlikely. And yet …’
‘Just tell us,’ said Denny impatiently.
‘I think that he still has his soul,’ admitted Hecaté reluctantly and waited for the scorn.
‘I think so too,’ said Denny unexpectedly. ‘Isn’t it ludicrous?’
‘A likely story,’ agreed Cindy. ‘I don’t believe it. Surely no writer would attempt to make a plot turn on such a contingency.’
‘The only question is,’ said Denny, ignoring this contribution, of which he could make neither head nor tail anyway, ‘is it possible?’
Hecaté was emphatic. ‘No,’ she said. ‘But then again, what has that got to do with it? We are constantly being faced with the frankly impossible. It has patently happened anyway and what are we going to do about it?’
‘Find out why it happened,’ suggested Denny.
‘Oh, it’ll turn out to be destiny or some such nonsense,’ said Cindy dismissively. She shared with Tamar an immovable contempt for the concept of destiny.
‘Probably,’ said Denny gloomily. He believed in destiny in much the same way that he believed in death. It happened all the time. The trick was to see that it did not happen to you.
‘We should take him home with us,’ said Hecaté.
‘What?’ said Cindy. ‘Put him out of his misery, I should say.’
‘No,’ said Denny, reverting to his authoritative stance. ‘Hecaté’s right. He needs our help. I mean just look at him. He has no idea what’s happened to him poor guy. Besides, there’s no point fighting destiny.’ Denny did not know how he managed to say this with a straight face, except that he knew he had to; it was the only way to convince Cindy. He had to be firm with her.
Cindy capitulated immediately, as he had known she would.
Hecaté tutted at him amiably. ‘You should be ashamed,’ she told him.
Denny pretended not to hear this. ‘You go,’ he said to Hecaté. ‘I think he might listen to you. Besides, you’re immortal. Just in case he gets twitchy, you know what I mean?’
‘I know. You are, as usual, right.’
Hecaté emerged from the shadows and made for the cowering figure of Jamie. Beside him, Cindy felt Denny tense, ready to spring, as he had said, just in case.
But there was no need. After a few minutes, Hecaté returned leading Jamie docilely behind her.
* * *
Jamie was sleeping while the others discussed him. ‘I still think that he poses no danger,’ said Hecaté. ‘He is still the same person inside, as he was before this happened to him.’
‘Okay,’ said Denny. ‘Did he say anything that might help us figure out why he’s still the same person inside? I mean he really shouldn’t be.’
‘He is more confused than any of us,’ said Hecaté
‘Well, it can probably wait,’ said Denny. ‘These things usually become clear in their own given time. Can we leave him alone, do you think, while we get on?’
‘I don’t see why not, as long as he’s sleeping.’
‘Good. Have you had any luck finding any exits from Hell?’
‘Not as yet.’
‘Keep trying. Cindy – help her. I’m going to keep looking for the box.’
Hecaté glanced at Jamie tenderly. There was something she had not told the others yet, because she was not sure. As yet, it was just a feeling. A very strong feeling. And it would also explain, perhaps, how he had been able to hold on to his soul even after death. Or rather, the form of death that precedes the transformation from human to vampire.
She evaded Cindy easily (Denny had already left the room) and sat beside Jamie.
She stroked his damp hair away from his forehead. It was a distinctly maternal gesture, Denny thought, watching her from behind the door.
* * *
‘Hi Ho, Hi Ho, it’s out of Hell we go,’
The dwarfs all turned to stare at Stiles. ‘You taking the piss?’ said Stroppy.
‘Sorry,’ said Stiles, ‘Don’t know what came over me.’
‘Right lads,’ said Florid, ‘according to the map, this ought to be it.’ He pointed upwards. ‘Get digging.’ He looked at Stroppy, as if he was expecting comment, but Stroppy said nothing. He just looked. Not in any particular way, he just looked as hard as he could.
‘That means you as well Porky,’ said Stiles sternly, giving him a dig in the rear with his boot.
I’ve got a cousin called Porky,’ said Toerag absently.
‘I bet you have,’ muttered Stiles under his breath. Porky just stared stupidly at the dwarfs.
‘Is he all right?’ asked Dozy in some concern.
‘He’s fine,’ Stiles told him. ‘He’s just allergic to hard work.’
Oh, leave him alone,’ said Tamar. ‘No wonder he’s made you his idea of Hell.’
‘Lazy is he?’ asked Dozy, just as if Tamar had never spoken. All the dwarfs were doing this. It helped them to pretend that she did not exist; there was no doubt that they were still irremediably nervous in her presence.
‘Not lazy exactly,’ said Stiles. ‘He just thinks that it’s easier to pray for things, than to work for them.’
Dozy laughed, and even Tamar smiled in a disapproving way.
‘Why are you lads trying to get out of Heaven anyway?’ asked Stiles, he had, quite naturally been wondering about this.
‘You lads,’ thought Tamar. Stiles had already achieved a rapport with the dwarfs. There was an air of camaraderie between them that she was not a part of. (Porky did not count; he appeared to be in a kind o
f trance.) She wondered how he had done it. The dwarfs seemed to her, to be a surly bad mannered bunch. Stiles obviously saw them in a different light.
‘We-ell, it’s dead boring down here,’ said the dwarf called Stinky – or was it Minky? ‘And it’s full of Grabbits too, little blighters they are.’
‘Doesn’t sound too Heavenly,’ conceded Stiles.
‘That’s because it’s not,’ said Tamar. ‘It’s just an alternate dimension that they got shoved into to get rid of them, and told it was Heaven to keep them quiet.’
‘That’s terrible,’ said Stiles.
Tamar shrugged. ‘Happens all the time,’ she said. ‘Remind me to take you into Chuck’s forest sometime to see the unicorns. At least they weren’t deleted, like some things were.’
Another argument, begun, predictably, by Stroppy, was getting started in the middle of the dwarfs. ‘I can read the map perfectly well thank you,’ came the irate voice of Florid. ‘This is the spot, all right, keep digging lads,’ he instructed the dwarfs, who had downed tools to take sides.
‘Yeah,’ said Stroppy, stirring things up further. ‘If we’re lucky, we’ll only end up in Tartarus. Remember the time we ended up in Hades?’
‘Remember the time we ended up in Valhalla?’ said Sid.
All the dwarfs took on a dreamy expression. ‘Mmmm.’
‘We ended up staying there six months,’ said Sleazy.
‘Well we thought it was Earth.’ said Toerag. ‘It was full of big stupid drunken humans who were always fighting.’
‘Sounds like Earth to me,’ muttered Tamar.
‘Beer was good though,’ said Dozy.
‘Mmmm,’ all the dwarfs sighed in rapturous memory.
‘We should have just stayed there,’ said Stroppy. ‘Remember where we ended up after that?’
All the dwarfs shuddered.
‘Yes, okay, okay,’ Florid snapped. ‘That’s enough of that, see. We are all aware that our quest has not been without incident. But one more word out of you and you’ll stay behind, look you.’
Stroppy muttered something under his breath and went on digging mutinously. The digging went on in silence except for Tamar’s whistling. It was a few minutes before Stiles realised what the tune was. “Whistle While You Work.”
The dwarfs went on digging.
* * *
Denny was not, in fact, looking for Pandora’s Box anymore. He had a more interesting investigation on hand. Made all the more difficult by the fact that he had no clear idea what it was he was looking for, only that he would know it when he found it.
* * *
They burst out into bright sunlight. Actually, it was not, in fact, all that bright, it was a grey drizzle, but after the dark of the tunnel, it seemed like neon strobe lighting.
The dwarfs emerged blinking and looked swiftly around at the dreary landscape.
‘Well,’ said Stroppy. ‘Looks like we got it wrong again.’
‘No,’ said Tamar. ‘This is it.’
‘What?’ said Stroppy, surprised into acknowledging Tamar. ‘Where are the mountains?’
‘Um.’
‘Why isn’t there any grass?’ said Mufti.
‘Trees?’ added Tufty.
‘I don’t think much of these castles either,’ said Florid. ‘They all look the same, and they’re too close together, and they don’t defend anything.’
‘And why do they all look like stacks of dominoes?’ said Stroppy.
‘Um, those aren’t castles,’ Tamar advised them. ‘They’re skyscrapers. This is a city.’ She turned to Stiles. ‘What do we think?’ she asked. ‘New York, Hong Kong?’
‘Could be either,’
There was a low droning sound from above and the dwarfs, one and all, hit the deck.’ ‘Aaaaagh!!!’
‘Dragon,’ yelled Florid.
‘That wasn’t a dragon,’ said Stroppy.
‘Well it wasn’t a bloody bird,’ said Florid.
‘Bloody big bird, if it was,’ muttered Crusty.
‘It was a plane,’ said Stiles.
‘A plain what?’ asked Dozy.
‘An Aeroplane,’ said Stiles. ‘A kind of large – boat, that flies in the air carrying passengers.’
‘Well,’ said Florid recovering his equanimity. ‘Now I’ve seen about everything I reckon.’
‘I’ve never seen a boat fly,’ said Crusty.
‘I’ve seen a dragon-fly,’ offered Loopy.
‘I’ve seen a house-fly,’ added Dozy.
‘I’ve seen a greenfly, and I saw a horsefly once,’ murmured Stinky falling into the spirit of things.
‘Have you?’ asked Itchy.
‘I’ve even seen an elephant – fly,’ said Crusty wearily. ‘But I think I’ve seen about everything, when I see a boat fly,’
There was a groan. Florid stalked over menacingly to Crusty. How – many – times – have – I – told – you?’ he said, punctuating each and every word with a smack on the head. ‘No – Disney – references – Ok-ay?’
Crusty rubbed his scalp. ‘Okay, okay, I’m sorry – it was just a joke. Jeez.’
‘These guys have never seen a city, but they know about Walt Disney?’ said Stiles.
Tamar shrugged. ‘What you gonna do? That guy just gets everywhere.’
‘Apparently.’
‘Anyway, they did just come from Hell.’
The dwarfs were now having another conference. Tamar and Stiles heard snatches of the conversation. ‘… Thought I’d have a stroke,’ said Mufti.
And, ‘Not what I expected at all,’ said Loopy.
‘It’s not how I remembered it,’ said Droopy morosely. ‘But then, (sigh) I suppose things never are, when you get to my age.’
‘I suppose it could have been a mistake,’ said Florid.
‘… Wasn’t my idea anyway,’ said Stroppy.
‘… Perhaps we should …’
‘I think …’
‘Good idea …’
‘What do we think?’
‘So we’re all agreed then?’
The dwarfs broke formation and Florid came up to Tamar and Stiles and gave a nervous little bow. ‘Ahem,’ he began. ‘Ahem, well, we er, yes well, the thing is, the thing actually, well the actual thing is …’
‘You’re not staying,’ supplied Stiles to the embarrassed dwarf. ‘I can’t say I blame you.’
‘Going back to Valhalla, are you?’ said Tamar shrewdly.
‘Well, we thought we might, er, yes, as a matter of fact, how did you …?’
‘Lucky guess.’
‘Ah. Well, thank you for all your help and everything.’
‘Don’t mention it,’ said Stiles. ‘I’m sure you’re doing the right thing.’
The dwarf saluted and turned to go, he turned back briefly to Stiles. ‘You wouldn’t like to come with us would you?’ he asked.
‘More than you know,’ said Stiles. ‘But I really can’t, thank you all the same.’
‘Ah well,’ said Florid amiably, ‘just thought I’d ask.’
~ Chapter Twenty Six ~
It was dawn again. Traditionally the time when light dawns on a quest – as well as over the tops of all the buildings and trees and things. Actually, dawn is traditionally the time when everyone is still asleep, even the terminally suspicious who have waited up all night with a hammer under their pillow in case of burglars.
However this may be, Denny had waited up all night (for inspiration – not burglars) and all the dawn had brought him was the desire for a strong cup of coffee and someone to hit – hard. At least the Apocalypse had not happened yet. (Tamar and Stiles had arrived back a few hours ago and told them about the opening of the box.) He was sure he would have noticed if it had.
In fact, everything seemed to have just – stopped. Hecaté had gone to wherever it was goddesses go when they’re not around. Stiles and Tamar were sleeping, as was Cindy and Jamie was still in a coma.
He played the Athame in his hand absently, spinning it over and ar
ound his fingers – which, even with an ordinary knife, is a good way to lose a thumb, but Denny knew that the Athame would not hurt him. He knew that he should get some sleep, but, hah! You get enough sleep when you’re dead, right? Which, on current showing, would not be long now. He wondered why Tamar did not seem more worried.
‘Because I have a plan, of course,’ she put her arms around him from behind.
‘Oh, yes?’ said Denny sceptically. ‘You’re going to find the box before he does – did – whatever.’
‘That’s right.’
‘How?’
Tamar did not even hesitate. ‘Oh, it’ll come to me, I expect,’ she said airily.
Denny grinned suddenly. You had to hand it to her really; she could make a house of cards out of thin air, and convince you that it was actually an ivory tower.
‘Yes,’ he said, unaccountably relieved. ‘I expect it will, at that.’
‘What about him?’ she asked, indicating Jamie lying across an armchair.
‘What about him?’
‘Well …’
‘Look, I don’t know, okay? We’ll just have to – play it by ear I suppose.’
Tamar looked dubious. ‘I don’t like vampires,’ she said stubbornly.
‘Nobody does, but he’s sort of – different, you know.’ Denny did not dare talk to Tamar about destiny, especially when she was in this mood.
‘A vampire with a soul?’ she said. ‘Sounds like destiny to me,’ she added sourly. And Denny was glad that he had not been the one to bring it up.
‘Yes,’ he agreed. ‘And there’s something else I should probably tell you. It’s just a feeling, but … well, I’m sure I’m right. Well, almost sure.’
* * *
Jamie opened an eye to make sure that they had left the room, then, in a disbelieving stupor, he stumbled over to the mirror over the fireplace and stared.
The whole house was roused by the terrible wail that he let out. Tamar reached him first, naturally, closely followed by Denny. They stopped short when they saw him gazing at a reflection that, by the very nature of things, did not contain his face. He turned slowly when he saw them in the mirror behind the nothing that should have been him. His face was white and horrified.
He pointed back at the mirror. ‘Where am I?’ he croaked.
Tamar wrung her hands helplessly.
The Day Before Tomorrow Page 16
