And it was the only place name they’d ever seen that was so excited about itself that it ended in an exclamation mark.
‘Whoa!’ said Grenville. ‘Look at this place! How come our otherhalves get to live in such an exciting place?’
‘Because we got the boring one!’ said Venk, flatly.
Once a year, a fairground was set up in Starkley. It was clear that in Sparkley it was only once a year that there wouldn’t be a fair.
And what a fairground it was! Lights lit up the sky. The screams of delighted, faraway children filled the air as they were thrust into the air on Vertical Boosters or thrown for miles on the Sparkley Slingshot.
There was a stadium where the town’s small bandstand normally was. From the posters, you could see that just about every rock star in the world was coming to Sparkley!
Bippy Lipswitch and the Tickle-me-pinks!
Baroness Flabbington!
Sonny Griffiths and his Ridiculous Yellow Ukulele.
The Elderly Brothers!
Venk studied the posters a little closer. The Elderly Brothers’ eyes were blank.
‘Let’s explore,’ he said.
The boys were in awe. Everything was the same – but different.
There was old Mrs Neate standing outside The King’s Arms, smoking a pipe and patting a dog. Back in their world, Mr Neate was always trying to kick them!
Then there was Herr Fussbundler, sitting in his car listening to Men’s Hour on the radio. They were interviewing the first male bishop, who was always trying to get people to singalong to boring ‘hers’ (which are a bit like hymns).
But, as they made it to the town square, the boys saw something that shocked them to the very core of their being.
‘Oh my gosh,’ said Buster, staggering backwards and reaching out for the others. ‘No! How awful! How dreadful! This can’t be allowed! This must be illegal!’
The others looked where he was pointing.
MONSIEUR COUS COUS’S
GALAXY OF HEALTHY PUNISHMENTS
Even Madame Cous Cous’s International World of Treats was opposite in this world! Was nothing sacred?
‘Yeuch!’ said Buster, pointing at the window display. ‘Health sweets!’
‘Asparagus lollies!’ yelled Grenville, clutching his own head in horror.
‘What are they?’ said Venk.
‘Just an asparagus on a stick!’ said Grenville, in disbelief. ‘And look – spinach gobstoppers! Broccoli gum! Kale creme eggs!’
‘This is inhuman,’ said Buster, shocked. ‘We need to save these kids!’
‘Where do you think they’ll be?’ asked Venk, looking around. ‘Our otherhalves?’
‘Hmm – if they’re the opposite of us,’ said Buster, frowning, ‘where’s the one place they’ll really want to be right now?’
The boys thought about it then nodded at each other.
‘SCHOOL!’ they all said.
Where Could He Be?
Elliot’s guess about where Scarmarsh was hiding out definitely had legs.
Do you know what he thought?
Well, let me tell you about the most secret and most secretive building in the whole of London.
Can you think where it might be?
Down in the tunnels?
There’s a little place called Eel Pie Island – do you think it might be there?
Or underneath the River Thames, maybe?
Well, did you know that, until fairly recently, there was one building in London that the government decided should be . . .
TOP SECRET?
In fact, it was so Top Secret that it didn’t even appear on any maps.
Even though you could stand right next to it and touch it!
And it was so Top Secret that even if all you did was accidentally happen to get it in the background of a photo you were taking of your Auntie Liz holding a whippet, then technically you were going against the Official Secrets Act!
That meant they could lock you up, shine a spotlight in your eyes and bark questions at you! And all because your auntie wanted her picture taken with a whippet.
And it was all the more strange because this was not a building that acted like it was a secret at all.
It was right there, bold as brass.
In fact, it still is.
Sometimes, to really rub in how visible it is, it glows at night, one red light blinking at the top of it.
Just like the Terribles, this was a building hiding in plain sight.
Isn’t it amazing what you can see when you really look?
If Elliot was right, Scarmarsh’s associates must have been delighted when they found it. I mean, there are plenty of places you could choose in London. There’s even a sharp, spiky building called the Shard – and if that name isn’t perfect for evil-doers to set up base in, I don’t know what is.
So why wouldn’t they have chosen this Top-Secret building to set up base in? Somewhere nowhere would see them, but from which they could see everybody? The one place everybody in the whole city could see, but that nobody was looking for?
Nobody apart from Elliot, that is.
‘I think I’ve cracked it,’ he said, still pointing.
‘Cracked what?’ said Alan, panicking, in case he meant a window or a rib.
‘Cracked the problem,’ said Elliot. ‘I think I know where Scarmarsh is!’
The terrifically tall and slender Post Office Tower stretched far into the sky above them.
‘It was built as a way of shooting beams all over the world,’ said Elliot, excited, as they stared at it from the doorway of the place opposite. It was called Really Fried Chicken and it was filthy. ‘You know – for telephone calls and things like that.’
‘How about for TV shows?’ asked Hamish, looking up at it. Now that Elliot mentioned it, there certainly did seem to be a lot of satellite dishes hanging from its side.
‘Oh, yes!’ said Elliot. ‘Particularly for TV shows. Instead of putting cables everywhere like we do now, they just decided to build a really tall building so that they could beam their rays everywhere. You can see everything from up there!’
‘Everything?’ asked Alice.
‘You can see for miles. You can definitely see every important building in London and even further than that probably.’
‘That’s how they’re doing it then?’ said Holly. ‘That’s how they zap people?’
‘Well,’ said Elliot, ‘maybe. We’d need to take a look. But the problem is, we can’t see in the windows from down here. It’s impossible! Look how high up they are!’
How could they get a peek inside the Tower?
‘Whoa!’ said Alan, frightened of falling, even though they were all still on the ground.
Outside the Tower, at the front doors, two tall and gangly figures crept about. They were wearing hard hats and bright yellow tabards. They were supposed to look like builders, but they were huge, hulking Terribles! One of them spun its head round to see if anyone was watching, then leaned down behind a car to lick the stinky brown liquid from its exhaust pipe . . . then stood back up, a little dizzy but satisfied.
Uuuuurgh!
A milk float rolled up, and four more Terribles dressed as milkmen jumped out, carrying crates of bottles. Hamish began to realise why there seemed to be so many more milk floats in this world than in his. And whatever was in these bottles was not milk. These bottles were pure black.
Well, if there were Terribles here, that meant two things:
They had an interest in that huge Tower and that meant Elliot’s guess was probably right.
The kids couldn’t exactly stroll in and ask what on earth they were up to.
Then Hamish remembered something.
Something he’d seen when he and Alice had first arrived in London.
Something that could very well be the key to taking a closer look at that Tower.
A much closer look.
Jimmy had been wrong that Christmas. He’d told Hamish that if he wanted to take a
closer look at things, he should just stand nearer to them. But Hamish thought that sometimes, if you want to take a closer look at something, you need to be further away.
‘I have an idea,’ he said, as he threw his bear costume to one side.
Because this wasn’t a job for a bear.
This was a job for Hamish Ellerby.
And Then There Were More
In Sparkley, Buster, Venk and Grenville crept through the gates and quietly peeped through the windows of Winterbourne School.
Inside Class 4E, a tall and vaguely familiar-looking woman was bounding round a classroom.
‘Who’s that?’ wondered Venk.
But a sign on the door read:
MISS NEVER LONGBLATHER
ALL-ACTION TEACHER!
‘Never Longblather? She’s certainly very energetic,’ said Grenville, as through the open window he saw the teacher throw herself into a forward roll.
‘And now!’ shouted Miss Longblather. ‘While you turn to page sixteen in your books – I will perform some Chinese Tumbling!’
All the kids smiled and turned to page sixteen, and Miss Longblather lit a small hoop on fire.
‘Behold!’ she shouted. ‘The Ring of Doom?’
‘It’s certainly a radically different approach to teaching,’ said Grenville, as the boys moved to the next window. ‘Maybe it’s continental.’
‘Hey,’ said Venk. ‘Check it out!’
He pointed at a girl in a red T-shirt who looked remarkably like Buster.
Lightly, Buster tapped on the window.
‘Psssst,’ he said, when she looked round, all big eyes and surprise. ‘I’m you! You’re me! Grab your pals. I have something to tell you!’
MEET THE ALTERNA-PDF!
NAME: BELLA
LIKES: Running, jumping and anything to do with exercise ever!
DISLIKES: Technology. Video games. Cars. Anything with an ‘ON’ button.
NAME: VIOLET
LIKES: Long black-and-white documentaries about the history of wool.
DISLIKES: People who wear sunglasses indoors or who say things like ‘Whatevs . . .’ to try to be cool!
NAME: COLIN
LIKES: Talking, although he often talks FAR TOO LOUDLY which doesn’t help him blend in.
DISLIKES: Trying to blend in because he just can’t, as there are so many things to trip over or knock over and sometimes he just can’t stop sneezing.
NAME: ELAINE
LIKES: Asking the question ‘Why?’ all the time.
DISLIKES: Being told to stop asking the question ‘Why?’ all the time.
‘But why?’ said Elaine, all confused, after Buster had explained everything for a third and then a fourth time.
‘Because Scarmarsh is trying to take over the world!’ said Buster.
‘But why?’ said Elaine.
‘So that he can control it!’ said Buster, who was running out of ways to put this differently.
‘But why?’ said Elaine.
‘Because he’s evil!’ said Buster.
‘But why?’ said Elaine.
‘Because . . . he was born that way!’
‘But why?’ said Elaine.
‘I wish your otherhalf Elliot was here to explain!’ said Buster, exhausted.
‘We need to protect you all,’ said Venk, coolly. ‘If they zap you, they zap us, and it’s the same the other way round.’
The otherhalves had all taken the news quite well, considering how HUGE it was. And they were fascinated to find that there were others out there so similar and yet different to them. The one thing they didn’t like, though, was that they were apparently ‘Neverpeople’.
‘Maybe you’re the Neverpeople!’ said Violet, stamping her foot, losing her cool.
‘Chill out!’ said Venk, who you could never accuse of losing his cool.
‘Well, how come we’re the Neverpeople?’ said Violet. ‘I find the idea very demeaning!’
‘Calm down!’ said Grenville, taking a step forward. ‘There’s another issue which is far more important!’
He studied the Alterna-PDF and made a very serious face.
‘Where’s my otherhalf?’ he said, putting his hands on his hips.
The Sparkley kids looked a bit awkward.
‘Because I need to find that little lady!’ he said.
No one said anything.
‘Look,’ he said. ‘If my opposite is the opposite of the daring Grenville Bile, aka El Gamba, then she will be a dainty little flower in need of some expert Bile protection. I am not being sexist, I am merely dealing in facts. She’s my opposite, so she’s probably quiet as a mouse. She will not be as smart as me, nor will she be as streetwise. She’ll be weak and delicate, and probably always fainting. She’ll . . . wait, what are you all looking at?’
Everyone else now seemed to be looking at something just above his head.
Something standing right behind him.
Something big.
Something tall.
Something that made a noise that sounded like . . .
‘HULLOOOOO . . .’
Grenville’s eyes bulged.
He turned, stunned, to see . . .
NAME: GRETA BILE aka Femville Bile!
LIKES: Running. Hugging. School.
DISLIKES: Nose-picking. Bullying. Mexican wrestling. And books about funny tractors.
‘Right, well, hello,’ said Grenville, looking up at Greta, pretending his pride wasn’t hurt. ‘You, er, needn’t worry. I’ll look after you, madam.’
‘You’re so CUTE,’ said Greta, leaning down and patting him on the head with a thud-thud-thud, which actually rather hurt. ‘I could eat you up!’
‘That’s enough of that,’ said Grenville, trying and failing to bat her enormous hand away. ‘I’ll have you know I am an expert Mexican wrestler.’
Greta opened her jacket. She had three medals pinned to the inside.
Ju-jitsu Gold Medal Winner.
Best Karate Kick Ever Award.
Most Improved Trampolinist.
‘Greta can open tins with her hands and throw balls for miles,’ said Elaine.
‘So can I!’ protested Grenville.
‘Pfffft,’ said Violet. ‘Everybody knows that boys can’t throw properly.’
‘How dare you!’ said Grenville. ‘That is an outdated childish stereotype!’
‘Anyway,’ said Elaine, ‘you did the right thing coming here. She’ll look after you.’
‘I DO NOT NEED LOOKING AFTER!’ yelled Grenville, looking up at Greta. ‘I AM GRENVILLE BILE AND I AM HERE TO LOOK AFTER YOU!’
‘Listen to his funny little voice,’ smiled Greta, picking him up and cradling him like a baby. ‘You’re like a little dolly!’
‘Look,’ said Buster, taking charge, as Grenville fumed. ‘It’s very important that we find a safe place for you to hide until the PDF can sort all this out. We need somewhere out of the way and a lot of tinfoil.’
Just then, a milk float roared past, blaring out loud rap music. An elderly man inside casually tossed milk bottles from his window. Each of them landed perfectly upright and without smashing on each doorstep on the street.
‘Whoa!’ said Grenville. ‘Who’s that?’
‘That’s Montgomery Crinkle,’ said Violet, smiling.
‘The very best milkman in the country!’
Buster checked out the milk float. Montgomery must have done some incredible work to make it go that fast. Poor old Margarine Crinkle’s milk float was rubbish in comparison.
It gave Buster the beginnings of an idea.
‘The thing I don’t understand,’ said Bella as the milkman skidded expertly round a corner, ‘is that Holly and Alan are out there, in London, right?’
‘Yes,’ said Venk.
‘And they’re fighting to save the world with your friends Hamish, Alice, Clover and Elliot?’ asked Colin.
‘Yes,’ said Venk.
‘And this is all happening right now?’ said Violet.
; ‘Yes!’ said Venk. ‘Right now.’
Greta Bile took a step forward and shook her huge head.
‘And you came here and expected us to HIDE?’
Let’s Take a Closer Look!
Hamish knew they had to work fast. It was already nearly 5 p.m.
Before they could stop Scarmarsh, they had to make absolutely certain they knew where he was.
‘We need to get back to where we started,’ he said, as they clambered on to a big red bus. It was a good job kids could travel free on buses here, or they wouldn’t have any money left for Chomps.
‘Back to where, Hamish?’ said Alice.
‘Back to Greenwich. That’s where we first arrived in London.’
‘Greenwich?’ said Alice, sitting down on the top deck, right at the front. ‘Where we saw that big boat?’
‘The Cutty Sark!’ said Elliot, excited. ‘I’ve always wanted to see that!’
‘We’re not going to look at boats,’ said Hamish.
‘Phew,’ said Alan. ‘Because I’ve not brought my life jacket.’
‘You have your own life jacket?’ said Alice, amazed.
‘Who doesn’t have their own life jacket?’ replied Alan.
On the streets all around them, crowds of people were noisily making their way to the Tower of London. They were chattering excitedly about the King’s recrowning ceremony, and carrying flags to wave in celebration. In just a couple of hours, King Les the Second would be standing in the Parade Ground. Little did everyone know that the second he took his tinfoil crown off, he’d be zapped and the world would know Scarmarsh’s power!
At Trafalgar Square, huge screens showed the preparations for the ceremony.
At Downing Street, the press were still standing outside, angrily demanding to know where the Prime Minister was. (She was inside, trying to play Jenga with her best friend, the tea cosy. It had been a long game because Captain Dullard didn’t seem in much of a hurry to take its turn, nor did it seem to understand the rules, or, being a tea cosy, be able to speak, or move.)
Hamish and the Neverpeople Page 10
