‘Why?’
Because . . . because IT JUST DOES and STOP SAYING “WHY?”!’
There was a pause while Elliot calmed down. He was relieved that conversation was over.
Hamish looked out at the riverside. He couldn’t see any Terribles. It seemed like they were safe. For now.
And then Elaine said, ‘Why?’ and Elliot nearly exploded.
‘Because asking why won’t change anything!’ he said, going red.
‘Why?’
‘Because asking why to everything I say is confusing matters!’
‘Why?’
‘Because one is a question and one is a scientific fact!’
‘Why?’
‘Because a scientific fact is an answer!’
‘Why?’
‘Because I DEAL IN ANSWERS while YOU seem to deal in QUESTIONS like why why why why why? and it’s driving me nutso!’
Hamish knew they couldn’t go on like this. How could a team work as a team if they weren’t a team? He had no idea how to fix this.
‘Hmmmmm,’ said Holly, crouching down, and noticing a sign. ‘Look where we’re sitting.’
The little old sign said ‘Poop Deck’.
The Poop Deck was the highest deck on the ship.
But still . . . what a name to give it.
‘Haha,’ said Venk. ‘The Poop Deck.’
They all started to smile.
Holly looked at Hamish and winked and he realised what she was doing. Holly had noticed the same problem about the kids needing to get along, but she seemed to understand people in a way that Hamish didn’t.
‘The Poop Deck,’ said Holly again, this time with a cheeky smile.
And then Colin said ‘the Poop Deck!’ and nudged Clover and they both laughed a bit more. Even Violet sniggered.
And then, out of the blue, Alan said, ‘Imagine if you could poop chewing gum!’
And everyone started to laugh some more because sometimes the more you say a word, the funnier it becomes.
‘I hope the army is on its way to the Post Office Tower,’ said Hamish, joining in, ‘and the chief brings Mr Poopy!’
And that was when they all began to roll around laughing and slapping the floor in hysterics.
Poop!
Only Alice and Alan sat still, a vague smile playing on their faces.
Oh and Elliot too, because he was actually a bit annoyed at all this childish laughter, especially when you consider the term ‘Poop Deck’ originates from the French word for ‘stern’, la poupe, which comes from the Latin puppis and – when you think of it that way – is really not very funny at all.
But Hamish knew why they were laughing.
It was sheer, delightful relief.
Relief that they’d escaped. Relief that they’d got this far.
And it was also fear.
Have you ever been totally told off by a terrifying teacher, and all you could do was laugh? You didn’t want to, and you knew it was wrong, but that’s all you could do, wasn’t it?
Well, imagine that feeling – but multiply it by a thousand monsters, one evil icon and the idea that the fate of all humanity rests on your bony shoulders.
Somehow, this laughter had been bonding. This gang of misfits and oddballs was finally beginning to feel like a team.
Spinning the Captain’s wheel, Greta Bile leaned the Cutty Sark round to the left so that they could go round a bend in the river. She did this with one hand, while using her other hand to slap Grenville’s hand away from his nose.
‘Look!’ said Hamish, as they rounded another quick bend to the right. ‘Tower Bridge!’
It was one of London’s most famous landmarks.
Right on the other side of it was the grand, ancient and enormous Tower of London – where final preparations for the recrowning ceremony would be coming to an end. All along the riverfront, Hamish could see people carrying Union Jills and heading for the fun.
As they sailed closer, the men and women who raise and lower the bridge began to panic and check their schedules. Why was the Cutty Sark coming at them so quickly?! Actually – why was the Cutty Sark coming at them at all?!
They stopped all the traffic on the bridge and jammed their fingers on the button marked ‘RAISE’. Tourists and locals applauded as they watched the beautiful Cutty Sark splashing and cutting through the choppy waters and under the opening bridge, spraying water across the bow and looking magnificent.
‘We’re here!’ said Hamish, as Greta threw a rope to shore and heeeeeeaved the great boat to a stop with her not inconsiderable muscles. ‘But remember – we have to assume Scarmarsh is watching!’
Hamish caught sight of the words painted on the river wall just in front of the Tower and shuddered.
ENTRY TO THE TRAITORS’ GATE
‘Long live the King,’ said Holly, high-fiving Hamish and jumping from the ship.
Let’s hope so, thought Hamish, as he jumped after her, and into the unknown.
To the Tower of London!
The Tower of London looked beautiful.
They’d really pushed the boat out this time.
There were flags everywhere. Red, white and blue bunting was draped across every gate and wall. Burly Beefeaters stood guard on each corner, holding pikes, tall axes and boar spears. Some were having their photos taken with excited Spanish tourists. A Pearly King and Queen held silver serving dishes with prawn rings and Wotsits on them, just in case anyone fancied a prawn or Wotsit.
This place had been a palace, a fortress and a prison over the years. It was home to the Crown jewels and legend had it that the Tower was protected by the jet-black ravens of London – the fierce, noisy birds with sharp beaks and scratchy feet. People always said that if the ravens ever left the Tower of London, it would fall. Once, it was also home to the Royal Mint, where all the country’s coins were made, and it had also been the official Royal Observatory for a short while. And did you know that for over 600 years it was a type of zoo?
But today it was to be where King Les the Second got his fancy new crown.
The kids stood just outside the main gate and Elliot shared a clever plan he’d been working on as they sailed down the river.
He thought they needed to scale the wall, drop down, hide in the bushes, fashion some basic weaponry out of twigs and sticks, slice through the seals of a window, pop the glass out, forward roll inside, eat a sandwich and then come up with a second, better plan.
‘We need to be really super secretive,’ he said, and everyone nodded because all this sounded properly excellent.
‘Why?’ asked Elaine.
Oh, not this again.
‘Because we can’t be seen,’ replied Elliot, grumpily.
‘Why?’ asked Elaine.
‘Because, if we’re seen, they’ll stop us,’ he said, sighing.
‘Why?’ asked Elaine.
‘Because we don’t have tickets and we’re not supposed to be in there!’ said Elliot, now rather exhausted and finding having an otherhalf really quite frustrating. ‘So let’s get on with it!’
He tried to start scaling the wall, but he wasn’t wearing the right shoes and just kept slipping.
‘Wait,’ said Holly. ‘Elaine’s right.’
‘What?’ said Elliot. ‘All she did was ask why!’
‘Yes,’ said Holly. ‘But sometimes you need to ask why, to make sure you know you know what you think you know, you know? Or no?’
Everyone looked a bit confused by that statement, except for Elliot who just laughed.
‘But surely we know we don’t have tickets and we’re not allowed in!’ he said, certain he was right. They couldn’t exactly just stroll into the Tower of London without tickets to see the King, could they?
Elaine pointed at a sign behind him.
STROLL IN!
NO TICKETS NEEDED!
COME AND SEE THE KING!
‘Oh,’ said Elliot, a bit crestfallen. ‘Yes, that seems like a lot less effort than my way. Well done, E
laine.’
So in they walked, bold as brass, joining the growing throng of people. But Hamish felt uneasy. He touched his collar to make sure his tinfoil was still there, then strained to see if he could see the Post Office Tower.
What he saw worried him. The tall, slender building was glowing bright red again.
‘Must be in celebration of the King!’ said an old lady to his left. ‘Ain’t that nice?’
Hamish scanned the skies. He’d been quite clear to Mysterio on the phone that the army needed to move quickly and he couldn’t see any helicopters whatsoever. Maybe they were biding their time. Surely they had to strike soon? Unless Mysterio had been zapped and couldn’t pass the message on?
Hamish felt his wrist suddenly vibrate, which was weird. He didn’t normally have a vibrating wrist. It was The Explorer. He was surprised to see that it was glowing red too. The hands were spinning madly round, and then stopped, suddenly – both of them pointing straight at the Post Office Tower. It was a warning. It must be. He’d had no idea his dad’s watch could do this stuff. What was it trying to say?
Hamish wondered whether Scarmarsh might be preparing to do some extra-strong zapping. He must have wondered how most of the kids had stayed immune from being blanked and the obvious thing to do would be to try harder. Hamish decided that maybe they should stay hidden – and they’d need extra protection while they were at it.
‘Clover,’ he said, having the beginnings of an idea. ‘I’ve got a top-secret covert mission for you and Colin.’
Right in the middle of the Tower of London – just near the Parade Ground where in ten minutes the King himself would be standing – was the White Tower. They kept some pretty special stuff in there. Hamish had seen as much on the big maps they put up everywhere.
Clover and Colin snuck in through the old wooden door while no one was looking.
‘Come on,’ whispered Clover, who’d given a fake moustache to Colin and was talking very quietly. ‘Up here!’
They started to pad up the stairs.
KABLANG!
‘SORRY!’ yelled Colin, who’d knocked a big metal dish off a window sill.
‘Shhhhh!’ said Clover, with her finger to her lips.
‘SORRY!’ he yelled again, trying to pick up the dish, but knocking it right down the stairs.
KABLANG CRASH KABLANG!
‘Quietly!’ whispered Clover, grabbing him and pulling him up the steps behind her. But he caught his foot on the top step and his shoe came off.
‘MY SHOE!’ he yelled.
‘SHUT UP!’ whispered Clover, who now realised this was becoming the least covert of all the covert missions she’d ever been on.
Colin kneeled down to pick up his shoe, but bopped his head on the bannister.
THUNK.
‘OW!’ he yelled.
‘Ssshuuuussssh!’ went Clover, now quite pink, because her otherhalf was the worst spy ever.
Colin took a step back, rubbing his forehead, but forgot the stairs were there. He started to fall backwards so grabbed a curtain to stop himself, but it couldn’t hold his weight and the whole lot came tumbling down with a . A giant curtain rod clattered to the ground after it and then CLANK CLANK CLANKED all the way down the stairs.
Clover and Colin stared at each other.
Still – they were here. The Tudor Room.
‘WOW!’ said Colin, before catching himself and whispering. ‘I mean – wow!’
Right in front of them was exactly what they needed.
Outside, Venk and Violet had been scoping out exactly where the King would be standing when he got his new crown. Venk lent Violet his sunglasses and she felt pretty cool. In return, she promised to lend him a brilliant 3000-page book called An Illustrated History of Wool. Venk tried to fake a smile, but pulled a face that looked more like he had gas.
Around them, everyone seemed super excited that they’d actually get to see King Les in the flesh. The place was packed.
Deep in the crowds, Grenville and Greta had been keeping an eye out for the Terribles. They knew they wouldn’t try and come in near the river. All those Terribles would most likely still be on their way back from Greenwich, using the roads. That gave the kids at least twenty minutes, they reckoned.
Hamish and Holly had placed Alan and Alice on a bench at the back where they’d be safe.
‘Always be prepared,’ said Alice, quietly, and Hamish gave her face a little stroke.
‘If there is a way of bringing you back, Alice,’ he promised, ‘I’ll find it.’
‘Imagine if you could poop chewing gum,’ said Alan, softly.
‘Yeah, you too, Alan,’ said Hamish.
‘So what’s the plan?’ said Holly, clapping her hands together, ready for action.
And then the crowd of Neverpeople began to roar, as King Les the Second walked out of King’s House and across Tower Green, waving happily, with absolutely no idea of the terrible danger that was just moments away.
Crowning Glory
As King Les walked on to the stage, Hamish felt incredibly nervous.
There were TV cameras everywhere. Some were on cranes, swooping around the place. If Scarmarsh managed to zap the King, it would be on televisions all over the world. From Barcelona to Brooklyn. From Bonnybridge to Bolivia. Everyone would know that Scarmarsh could get to anyone in any world. King. Queen. Whoever he chose!
The Post Office Tower looked like it was almost rumbling now. Like it was warming up for something. Hamish couldn’t help but speculate why.
‘I think Scarmarsh is making the zaps stronger,’ he said. ‘My Explorer is going crazy!Just like it did at the Observatory before a zap came our way. I’m not sure our tinfoil will be enough this time.’
‘How long do we have?’ asked Holly. ‘The King’s already on the stage!’
‘MY PEOPLE!’ shouted King Les into the microphone, and the crowd cheered and waved their flags. ‘TODAY I WILL TAKE A NEW CROWN!’
‘Oh my gosh,’ said Holly. ‘I don’t think we’ve much time!’
‘BUT FIRST,’ shouted the King, clearly pleased to have a captive audience, ‘I WOULD LIKE TO PERFORM A LITTLE CLOSE-UP MAGIC!’
He pulled a pack of cards out of his cloak. A few people at the back groaned. King Les thought he was a terrific magician. But cards tricks aren’t much fun to watch from fifty metres away when you can’t see the cards.
‘Guys!’ shouted Clover, peeking out of the door of the White Tower. ‘Come quickly!’
The kids ran up the stairs. Colin had just knocked over a priceless vase and was sweeping it under the carpet. Clover was back in the Tudor Room and had everything ready.
‘These should fit!’ she said, pointing at a long line of amazing ancient suits of armour. ‘Grab a helmet and a suit if you can!’
‘AND FOR MY NEXT TRICK,’ yelled King Les, loving the attention, ‘I WILL COUNT TO ONE HUNDRED IN TAGALOG – THE NATIONAL LANGUAGE OF THE PHILIPPINES!’
King Les was very proud of this. He cleared his throat and waited for silence.
‘ISA!’ he began. ‘DALAWA! TATLO. . .’
The crowd started to shift uncomfortably. This was shaping up to be rather a long night.
‘APAT! LIMA! ANIM!’
‘I have to be honest,’ said Elliot, clanking out of the door of the White Tower. ‘These suits chafe in places I’d rather weren’t chafed.’
‘Always be prepared,’ said Hamish, thinking of Alice and fixing his helmet to his head while sliding up the visor. ‘Just look at the Post Office Tower!’
Its rumble had become a full-on vibration. If a building could look like it was revving up, this one was. Hamish noticed clouds of dust forming outside the windows, as the very joints and rivets of the Tower shook.
‘The satellite dishes!’ said Holly, whose suit of armour had brilliant turqoise tarquise spikes all over it. ‘The Hypnobots must be turning them!’
It was horribly, horribly true. Each and every satellite dish was now pointing straight at where the K
ing was standing.
‘OH!’ said King Les, suddenly not counting any more and looking frustrated. ‘I’VE LOST MY PLACE! HANG ON, LET ME START AGAIN!’
‘It’s about to happen,’ said Hamish. ‘We need to get close to the King. But how are we going to get through all these Neverpeople?’
It seemed impossible. There were grown-ups everywhere, all staring at the stage.
‘I’ve got an idea!’ said Clover, and she turned to Colin. ‘Colin – try and sneak through the audience without anyone noticing.’
‘WHAT?’ said Colin, confused, and a bit too loudly.
‘Try and walk through the crowd without anyone realising you’re there!’
Hamish looked worried, but Clover winked at him. Colin shrugged and set off, disappearing into the crowd.
‘OW!’ shouted a woman, immediately, as Colin stepped on her foot with his big suit-of-armour boots on.
‘OUCH!’ shouted someone else, now hopping about and clutching their shoe.
‘SORRY!’ yelled Colin, accidentally stamping on to yet another set of toes.
‘MY FOOOT!’ screamed an old man.
‘SORRY!’ yelled Colin. ‘I’M TRYING TO SNEAK THROUGH WITHOUT ANYONE NOTICING!’
The crowd grew restless. What was this commotion? The King could sense people weren’t listening to him any more.
‘HELP!’ yelled a lady, whose coat had now somehow caught fire. How did Colin do this stuff? The lady screamed and threw the coat in the air. People panicked. The TV cameras spun round to film the coat, instead of the King.
‘HEY.’ yelled the King. ‘YOU SHOULD BE FILMING ME! I’M ABOUT TO DO FIFTEEN MINUTES OF GERBIL IMPRESSIONS!’
People were starting to run now. Flags were hurled in the air. This was the most brilliant distraction ever and it was all thanks to clumsy Colin!
‘Every weakness is a strength!’ smiled Clover, and Hamish cast another glance at Scarmarsh’s base. It was almost shaking now, like the whole building was furious. Scarmarsh must be watching the TV. He knew they weren’t filming the King. His big plan was at risk if no one could see it happening!
Hamish and the Neverpeople Page 13
