by Violet Duke
All the worry left her voice. “You’re a chronic romantic. You know very well you gave me all seventeen already.”
“Those were to make up for the past,” he reasoned. “This year would’ve been your eighteenth Valentine’s Day. Remember? The gift I gave you on February 14th was the first of your seventeen Valentines. I didn’t actually give you a gift for this year’s Valentine’s Day yet.”
“Yes you did,” she said, her voice a loving timbre as she held his face in her hands. “Everything you’ve done, every moment together since that day has been a gift.”
His eyelids lowered tenderly at that. “Well then consider this a supplementary eighteenth Valentine gift then.” He turned his hand over to reveal a very distinct little gift box.
Dani gazed at the velvet cube. “What is it?” she asked in a voice he hardly recognized.
“Open it and find out.”
Unable to meet his eyes, slowly, she shook her head in a silent no.
Pain. He’d never known that, until this point, pain wasn’t something he’d even remotely experienced. Not this pain. What he was feeling now robbed him of breath, of strength.
It was worse than the sickening feeling he’d felt injected into his veins when he’d made the call on Monday to tell Noah that he was opting to give up his give best recipes to close out the loan. At least that pain was resulting in a $50,000 check he could give Quinn to save Cooper.
This pain just bred more pain that gouged at his soul and hollowed out his heart.
A hot tear fell on his hand. He opened his eyes and looked at it. “Don’t cry, sweetheart.”
Her tears came anyway, words powerless to stop them.
“The gift isn’t what you’re thinking,” he said gently. “It’s not the ring you’re so deathly afraid of.” He took the thin red ribbon off the box and flipped it open. There was a tiny chocolate inside with gold message stamped on the bottom.
She read it slowly, hands shaking, eyes welling up more. “You said you never make promises.”
“No, I don’t make guarantees. This is a vow.”
“That you’ll always love me?”
“Yes.”
Her voice shrank. “How can you possibly know that?”
“How do you know that you’ll always love Xoey, or Rylan, or your brother?”
“I just do,” she shrugged, unable to put it into words.
“Exactly. Try not to think about it; it makes it easier.” He arched an eyebrow wisely.
She let a reluctant half grin appear. “Simple as that?”
“Simple as that.” He gathered her into his arms. “And it is. That simple, I mean. I just know without a doubt I’ll always love you. No matter what.”
“Even if I say I don’t want us to live together?” she asked quietly.
His jaw clenched back the stab of hurt. “Of course.”
She focused her eyes on the center of his sternum. “You’ve been hinting at it.”
“Yes I have. Because I want us to live together.”
“Why?”
Dozens of reasons swam in his head, but knowing Dani, he picked the most logical. “I sleep here all the time as it is. Hell, my pile of belongings is getting big enough that I only go back to my apartment once a week, if that.” It was true. For the last month, he’d been staying at Dani’s almost the entire time. With their hectic, often clashing schedules, this way, at least they were able to spend a few hours together on the days one of them was sleeping while the other was working. “It’s practical, and it works for us.”
“Try again,” she whispered, leaving out the ‘bullshit answer’ part that was his usual line.
He took a while to regroup. “I love you. I love how things are with us. Don’t you?”
“You know I do.”
“It’s not like I’m asking you to marry me. I want to keep things exactly how they are...just more officially.” He tried adding more rational reasoning. “Besides, it doesn’t make sense for us to both have apartments. If I move here, I can help pay the rent for your apartment.”
“My apartment is part of my building so I don’t pay rent.”
“Then I’ll pay for all the maintenance...and the food.”
“Just stop. I’m not quibbling over money here.” Frustration spiked her voice.
“Then what? What’s so wrong about my wanting us to live together?”
“Nothing, except for the reason why.”
“I’ve told you why.”
“The real reason, Luke. Tell me the real reason.”
Exasperation expelled out of his lungs. “Because I want to start down a path toward a future with you! Is that so bad?”
“No,” she said softly. “It’s not bad at all.” A sad smile overtook her lips. “But that’s not all you want.” Her eyes held his, daring him to prove her wrong.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. But since you seem to think you know more than I do about what I want, why don’t you enlighten me?”
She didn’t waver. In fact, she pushed back. Hard. “You want a guarantee. Even though you say you don’t have faith in guarantees, that’s exactly what you’re looking for. From me. Why? Because you want to assure yourself that this wondrous, magical oasis of forever love you’ve been trying to reach for so long actually exists. That it’s not just some mirage.” She shook her head. “Life may have made you strong enough to recover losing those you loved, but you aren’t nearly strong enough to face the possibility that the entire idea of forever love with one special person out there just for you might in fact be a complete fantasy—something you dreamed up and made unattainable.”
Every emotional fiber in his being reared up in thunderous denial over such a claim.
Even though, logically, he knew what she was saying was true.
“Luke, I can see how it scares you to think you might finally reach it, dip your hands into that crystal blue water for a drink, only to feel dry sand touch your lips. Admit it. You want a guarantee that I can deliver the future you’ve been dreaming of all this time... That I’ll finally be the person you want me to become.”
That last part stunned him to his core. “You think I want you to change?”
“I know you do,” she sighed. “Yes, I know you love me as I am, but I think you also love a version of me that only you see. The person I believe myself to be deep down really doesn’t see what the difference is if we officially live together or not. In fact, sometimes I wonder if I’m skeptical about marriage as a whole too. Truthfully, I’ve never really thought about it until now because I never got close enough to anyone to need to. And now that I am, honestly, I feel rushed. Rushed to figure out things that other, normal people have spent years thinking about.”
She was on a roll now, absent of filters, undaunted by consequences. “So I’m not normal. So what? Why should I be? Fate will do whatever the hell it feels like doing anyway, without rhyme or reason, regardless of what we plan or dream.” A bitter laugh shot out of her. “Your life is a prime example! Love a woman and plan for forever until it doesn’t work out. Too bad, so sad. But look, there’s another who could ‘really’ be the one. Oh darn, no go with that one either. Guess what though? There’s a broken brewmaster who needs fixing next in line. Yeah, well, what’s to say the next woman after me isn’t who you’re truly meant to be with?”
His face hardened savagely in defense. “Don’t start saying shitty things to me to try and push me away, Dani. It won’t work.”
“You’re pushing me to protect your heart; well I’m pushing right back to protect mine!”
Jesus Christ, this was the mother of all impasses.
She raised her eyes to his. “You think I don’t notice, but I see you holding back at times because you're afraid I’ll bolt. Even after we have an absolutely perfect night, I see the questions in your eyes mercilessly torturing you, making you wonder if what we have is really just an elaborate mirage.” Frustration slashed across her features. “You can’t keep living
your whole life walking through the desert just trying to reach this damn delusional oasis!”
“And you can’t think that wasting your life playing day to day with your head hidden in the sand is actually living!” he shot back.
Breathing hard, they stared at each other, blurry emotions masquerading as anger.
“Are we over?” Dani’s voice broke softly.
His shocked gaze flew down to her shattered expression. “What? No! It’s just a fight.”
“But look at what we’re fighting about. There’s no resolution. I feel like you look at me and see someone you think I’ll become, in a future that I’m simply unable to see.”
“Sweetheart, I look at you and all I see is you. I look into my future and I see the same thing. I don’t want some fictional you, I swear it.”
She shook her head skeptically. “But you and I are so different. You’re such a hopeless romantic, and I’m just...not.”
An incredulous groan tore out of his chest as he dropped his forehead down onto hers. “Oh. Dear. Lord. For the last time, you are one of the most diehard romantics I know. Re-read those cards. Ask anyone who’s met you. Everything you do outs you as a closet romantic.” He kissed her eyelids gently. “It’s one of the many things I adore about you.”
“But you’re right, Dani.” He gently wiped the last of her heartbreaking tears away. “I can’t live just looking for and waiting for the future. I’ve done that in the past and I don’t have much to look back on. It wasn’t a life. Not really. But being with you is, and it’s the life I want.” His speech might have begun as a means to comfort her, but as the words tumbled out, he knew he spoke the naked truth. “Honestly, all I need—all I want—is to have you by my side and to be by yours. For as long as fate—or you—will have it.” Sliding his hand down her cheek, he warned, “Even so, that doesn’t mean I can just make myself stop dreaming of something a heck of a lot more permanent than a chocolate vow in that box you’re holding.”
She placed her head on his chest. “I know, and I love that,” she admitted softly.
“I am a hundred percent invested in this relationship—long or short, I want to see what the future holds for us. Question is, do you?”
“I do,” she said without any hesitation.
His heart soared. He hoped to hell and back he’d be hearing those words from her lips again one day. To a far more important question.
His arms tightened around her. “Then dream with me,” he rumbled softly in her ear.
Feeling her stiffen, he brushed a kiss against her lips. “No plans or promises, just dreams,” he reassured gently. “No stressing about the future. No torturing ourselves with our pasts. We do it your way and just live day to day. But each day, we agree to dream my way...big and endless.”
Closing his eyes, he forced himself not to push too hard. “We can stay together as long as our dreams still have the other in it—no more commitment than that. What do you say?”
Breath held, he stroked the tense muscles of her back for agonizingly long seconds.
She looked up into his eyes. And then shot her gaze away.
His stomach plummeted.
Thankfully, the sound of Dani’s landline ringing in the living room saved him from having to come up with a casual response to that train wreck.
They each pretended like their sole purpose in life was to stand there like statues and listen to the phone ring. Ditto when the answering machine switched on.
But hearing Dani’s cheerful voice say. “I’ll get back to you when I can,” on the recorded greeting just served to put a serious chink in his composure.
…Shortly before the message following took a wrecking ball to it.
“Dani, this is Noah. Sorry to call so late but we need to get this finalized ASAP. To clarify, the paperwork my assistant drew up was just a draft of the terms you provided; you didn’t need to sign it. I still think you should talk to Luke about your plans first. Not telling him your connection to his lease increase was one thing, but this—“
Dani ran and slammed her hand down on the answering machine.
He didn’t trust his own voice as he asked, “What the hell was he talking about, Dani?”
“That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you for weeks now, actually, months really if you count the beginning,” she whispered, keeping her head down, avoiding his eyes.
Months?
He tipped her face back up and studied her tortured expression, saying in a voice that sounded clipped and foreign to his own ears, “So tell me now.”
“I asked Noah not to renew your lease contract.”
Ice filled his veins. “You did what?”
“Before! I asked him before we met, right after Quinn had done all those interview attacks outside of the brewpub.” The words rushed out of her so fast he had a hard time keeping up. “I was just so angry; I went to see Harold to vent about it. And that’s when I ran into Noah. You have to believe that, in the beginning, I was just complaining about what you all did that day. But somehow—you know how my brain and mouth can be—that turned into my saying business owners who purposely slander other businesses in town have no place here in Cactus Creek, which led to my blurting out that maybe Derek and I could lease out the building instead and turn it into a winery that would partner with Ocotillos...”
His eyes hardened. “Winery.” Unbelievable. “So you’ve been working with that Noah this whole time behind my back.”
He couldn’t even look at her.
DANI GRABBED his wrists. “Please, don’t shut me out.”
He shot her a look so frustrated, so hurt, she released her hold on him immediately.
“Luke, I swear I didn’t plan for that to happen. I didn’t go searching for Harold with the intent to oust your shop. It just sort of…happened. I’d never even thought of leasing your building before, nor had it even occurred to me to turn Ocotillos into a brewpub and winery. It all gushed out of my mouth faster than my brain could process, really. I mean, I’m not going to lie and say I didn’t get caught up in it at the time. This is Derek’s dream after all, and I really wanted it for him—”
“So you threw my dream under the bus to get it.”
“NO! I never wanted that. In fact, after I hung up the phone, I felt sick to my stomach about it. And that was before I even knew you were the owner.”
“But we had our formal intros the next day, didn’t we? What happened after that?” His voice was brittle. Cold. “Doesn’t sound like you jumped on the phone to undo everything. In fact, it sounds like you and Noah got mighty cozy making back table deals at my expense!”
She recoiled as if he’d just slapped her. Hot tears flooded her eyes. “Do you really think I’d do something like that behind your back?”
“How the hell should I know? Before today, I didn’t think you’d ever do anything behind my back, let alone something like this. You kept who knows how many things from me for months. Against Noah’s advice to tell me the truth too, apparently. My god, the entire time he was working with me on shop matters—” He flipped his head back, laughing bitterly. “The man must think I’m a total idiot.” Shaking his head, mortification tinted his tone dark and ugly. “When I first told you how I might lose the shop, you just stood there pretending...” His eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Were you even going to tell me before Derek opened shop? Or were you planning on dumping me before then so you wouldn’t have to?”
“You’ve got it all wrong! It wasn’t like that at all. What I’ve been working with Noah on is a way to help you, I swear. Luke, the only reason I didn’t try to undo everything right after you introduced yourself was because I didn’t think there was anything to undo. I thought Noah had dismissed the idea because he never called to follow-up. That is, not until later…”
He gave her an annoyed look. “Don’t stop now. You’re on a roll. Spit it out. Have the guts to do what you should’ve been doing the whole time. Tell me the truth—when later?”
She swal
lowed thickly. “Valentine’s Day.”
His razor sharp flinch cut her just as deep. She closed her eyes miserably. “That’s when I found out Noah had contacted Derek. But it wasn’t until the day after that I learned how my hasty proposal had started an avalanche effect—the wineries that made offers on your building only did so because Noah had been calling around to follow-up on my idea.” She sank further into her disdain for herself. “After that, it felt like I just couldn’t ever find an appropriate time to tell you.”
“Right, because I was so busy being a Valentine schmuck, making it impossible for you to bomb that news on me.” Luke’s jaw was clenching in measured beats, as if he were forcibly restraining himself. “Then what?” he barked.
“Well, then I broke Derek’s heart a little.” Now Dani was the one sounding bitter. “I got to first describe, then yank my brilliant plans away from my big brother, the person who has shoved all his dreams of having a winery onto the backburner just so I could keep running my brewpub. Just so I wouldn’t have to suffer through all my failures that put us in this situation to begin with.” Suddenly, she felt so young, so stupid. “I failed him yet again.”
His angry gaze faltered a bit, concern for her softening his glare. With one last glimmer of hope, she tried to grab hold of that lifeline. “I know it was way late in the game, but I did tell Noah I couldn’t go through with it. Not at your expense.”
He averted his eyes and threw out flippantly, “You know, if you’d just trusted me enough to be honest with me, you could’ve saved yourself a whole lot of guilt.” His jaw ticked. “And you wouldn’t have had to waste all your time ‘helping me’ so much.”
“None of that was out of guilt,” she shot back forcefully.
With a disbelieving snort, he countered stonily, “You mean to tell me you don’t feel a smidgen of guilt over being responsible for what Quinn and I are going through?”
Her heart tore at the seams at the betrayal she saw in his eyes. “Of course I do. I know this is all my fault.” She reached out but stopped herself from touching him. “I’m so sorry.”
