I pick up my little clutch and walk to the dining room with a serious attitude because I am preparing myself for disappointment and if I happen to run into him and he’s like say with some young hoochie I will just give him my vampire look like I’ll get your ass later when you least expect it for setting me up like this and what exactly did you think you could do for me anyway? You probably have never even had any real pussy, have you, Winston? Probably never even spent the night out except at a sleepover, huh?
There he is. Sitting on the bench outside the dining room. And he’s alone. He stands up when he sees me and heads my way and wow does he look more handsome this evening or what and ohmyGod he’s wearing that Escape again and I am so glad I didn’t wear panties which is becoming a habit for me down here but maybe I should’ve this time because where will this stuff go that’s trickling down my leg oh shoot but thank God I have my little wipes in my purse so right after he says “Hi” and smiles I say, “Hi, Winston, can you excuse me for a second, I need to go to the ladies’ room,” and he says, “Are you okay?” and as I amble away like they do in the movies I say, “I’m fine, just had a little accident but it’s nothing really,” because I surely don’t want him to think I’m on my period because he’s so young and everything and he probably no way would want to do it the very first time if I’m on my period even though I know men who will go down on you when you’re bleeding which I think is disgusting and I can’t even bear to watch them when they do it and don’t come up here acting like you want to kiss me now no way go brush and floss and Listerine and then come back and let me smell your breath first and we’ll consider another kiss then but not until then.
I am ashamed of myself for getting so worked up so fast and I feel kind of slutty but I also kind of like this feeling and I’m thinking I wish I could call Delilah to tell her what I’m up to—she would probably just say, “Go for it, girl!” Don’t want to call Vanessa because she’ll probably make me feel even sillier than I already do and Angela would probably scold me and tell me I’ll be struck by lightning for even thinking about doing something like this so I clean up my act and come out of the stall and blot my lips and say, “To hell with both of you,” and since nobody’s really looking I actually giggle as I head back out where Winston is still standing in the very same spot.
His hair is jet black shiny and brushed back on top and I can see his scalp on the sides where it’s cut very close and he has a gold hoop in his left ear and he’s wearing a real button-down-the-front shirt that’s not at all tropical-looking but looks as if it could’ve come from like the men’s department of a major department store and not where the hip-hoppers shop either and I can’t tell if it’s purple or brown in this light but it has some kind of speckles on it that look like the solar system or galaxies and I’m so glad he has on bluejeans because I love the way he looks in them like he doesn’t care that they don’t exactly fit but they certainly look good on him and God his legs just go on and on and he is wearing these black suede bucks and I like his style his taste the decisions he’s made and damn is he beautiful but what’s weird is that he doesn’t carry himself like he’s all that handsome; he stands moves as if he’s just sure of himself as if he knows who he is but he just doesn’t know his own power yet. I am so glad.
“Is everything okay?” he asks with real concern in his eyes.
“Fine,” I say.
“Are you hungry?” he asks.
“Not really. Are you?”
He smiles blushes and shakes his head from side to side. Hey. He’s got dimples! When did he get those?
“We should eat though don’t you think?” I say.
“We can at least try,” he says and then we both start laughing almost uncontrollably and I think we both know why we’re laughing.
“Winston?”
“Yes,” he says and there he goes looking at me again but this time it’s like real laser-like desire is emanating from his eyes and boy is it penetrating this little area in my chest that feels just like my heart and I wish he would like stop this.
“Did you just have to wear that cologne?”
“I thought you liked it.”
“I do. That’s the problem. It’s making me feel dizzy.”
“Did I put too much on?” he asks.
“No, I don’t mean it that way.”
And he looks at me again as if he doesn’t get it.
“Never mind,” I say.
“You feel like eating some pasta?” he asks and I kind of crack up because he says it like “pesta.”
“Sure,” I say and we walk through the dining room, where Norris and Abby and all the rest of the social directors and all the honeymooners and the folks from the van and the ones I lie out on the beach with including old man Nate all wave to us as we walk by. I should not be doing this out in the open, I think.
“Why are you in such a hurry?” Winston asks.
“Am I?”
“Yes, you sort of sped up for some reason. What’s wrong?”
“Nothing,” I say and sit down at an outdoor table.
“Tell me what it is,” he says, leaning forward, and when I look into his eyes I can’t remember what I was going to say but then I remember: “Winston, are you sure you want to do this because if you want to back out if you want to change your mind it’s okay you won’t hurt my feelings because I’m a big girl a grown-up really and I’m used to disappointment so if you’re having second thoughts we can just eat dinner and maybe dance a little bit and say good night and be done with it no hard feelings.”
His eyes are wide and he looks like he can’t believe what I just said. “Could you repeat that word for word, please?” And he leans back against his chair and waits.
I am embarrassed no end. “You know what I meant.”
“Stella?”
I cannot look at him.
“Stella?”
“What?” I say but I’m still not looking at him. I am feeling like I’m in fucking high school when in fact I could be the damn principal.
“I haven’t changed my mind. I have been unable to think clearly this entire day because you have taken up all the space in my head. I am not afraid, Stella. I am not afraid of you. I am not afraid of what is happening. I am not afraid of what might happen. And I will be honest with you. I haven’t been this excited about a woman in . . . well, never.”
I can hardly swallow even though I have nothing in my mouth to swallow because my mouth is past dry. “I’m really flattered, Winston.”
“I’m not saying it to flatter you. It’s the truth.”
“I’m still flattered. And I’ll tell you,” I say and sigh, because I hear myself say, “Winston, even though I think this is kind of ridiculous I want you to know how much I like you too and—”
“What’s ridiculous?”
I’m trying not to let my eyes roll up in my head. “Do you want me to say it again?”
“Are we back to the age issue?”
“Yes. Winston, I just want you to know that I’ve never done anything like this before in my life.”
“What do you mean by ‘anything like this’?”
“Well, a few things. First of all I’ve never gone on a vacation and picked up a man that I don’t even know.”
“You haven’t picked me up, Stella.”
“You know what I’m saying.”
He is beginning to look a little offended so I decide I better clean it up because I didn’t mean that I was picking him up like some prostitute or something. “Well, you know, what I really mean is this, Winston. It’s the nineties, the age of safe sex, and folks don’t usually go jumping into bed with strangers anymore.”
“Do I feel like a stranger to you?”
“Well, no. But I just met you yesterday, Winston, and that’s what’s also kind of weird.”
“I’m more than willing to tell you anything you want to know about me. Just ask me.”
“Okay. Tell me about your parents.”
“Wel
l, my dad’s a surgeon in Kingston and my mom’s an RN. I have two older sisters. Both are married. I grew up outside Kingston and went to private school and have done two years at the University of the West Indies in Kingston where I was studying biology but I did not like it which is why I took a course in food preparation and am considering perhaps studying hotel management or becoming a real chef I’m not sure even though my dad doesn’t want me to do either. There. So now you know everything about me.”
When I heard him say “my dad” I was tickled enough to giggle but I decided it would be in poor taste and plus I shouldn’t hold his age against him. It isn’t his fault he’s only twenty-one years old. Is it? And the fact that he thinks he has told me everything about himself is downright touching. “Well, thanks for sharing, Winston.”
He doesn’t get it. “What else did you want to tell me?” he says.
“Well, Winston, I can’t seem to remember now, which means it’s not all that important.”
A waitress appears and gives me a go-girl smirk and I look at Winston and realize that we are like out in the open and Lord what am I doing? “Do you know what kind of pesta you want?” he asks me and I spot something on the menu and point it out to our waitress and Winston says he’ll have the same thing and she takes our drink order and of course I ask for my virgin piña colada and Winston who also does not drink orders his virgin strawberry daiquiri.
“So what should I know about you?” he asks and leans forward on his elbows.
“I like your shirt,” I say.
He smiles. “Thank you and I’m listening. I mean I have shared my deepest secrets about my personal being with you and now I’m waiting to hear yours.”
“Well, I’ve been divorced for three years.”
“Do you presently have a boyfriend at home?”
“No.”
If I’m not mistaken he actually looks relieved and then he looks at me like he’s on his way to another level or something.
“Why not?”
“Because it’s hard to find one I like.”
“Why is it so hard? You’re quite attractive. I would think men would be swarming around you.”
“Swarming? I don’t think so, Winston. First of all, looks can only get you so far and, well, I’ll put it this way. I’m also kind of picky. Maybe too picky but I do date and may I continue, sir?”
He is smiling and nodding at me. He looks almost edible.
“I have an eleven-year-old son whose name is Quincy and whom I love dearly and he’s my best buddy.”
“That’s nice to hear,” he says.
“And I turn tricks for a living.”
“Tricks? What kind of tricks?”
“I’m just kidding,” I say. “I’m an analyst for a securities company.”
He looks confused and who can blame him? “It only sounds good but in essence my job doesn’t make a whole lot of sense and I wouldn’t be surprised if in the next few weeks computers will have taken over.”
“And what exactly does an analyst do?” he asks.
“It’s kind of hard to explain but basically when people or I should say in my case businesses and cities and universities and the like want to invest their profits to make more money I basically analyze all the different areas and avenues and give them advice on where it looks like their money’ll grow the fastest and the safest.”
“Ohhhhh,” he says, nodding his head up and down. “And do you like doing all this ana-lyzing?”
“I used to, but the thrill is gone. Been gone. It’s okay, though. It’s a living.”
“And you studied many years to learn to do this?”
“Yep. New York University. Bachelor’s and master’s.” I don’t even want to mention my M.F.A.
“Right.” He sighs as if he’s putting this all together and then he looks me in the eye and says, “Well, it seems to me that if one goes to college for so many years you’d at least end up working in some field that you derive a great deal of pleasure from. Don’t you think?”
“Of course I do, Winston, but sometimes your attitude changes, your needs and values change, as you get older, and what used to excite you doesn’t anymore.”
“So do you have this same attitude toward people when your attitude changes?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean when you get bored or someone wears out their welcome do you treat them like you would your job? Do you just kind of settle in or do you look for a new one?”
Damn. I take a deep breath. He certainly doesn’t sound or think like he’s only twenty-one. And he’s not fidgeting or acting hyper and as a matter of fact I’d say he’s more poised than I am. I’m even more surprised by what he’s saying because it means he’s measuring what he sees, he’s trying to see if all the pieces fit, and this is refreshing. “Well, I’m the type that sort of hangs in there until I’ve exhausted my resources and when I realize I’ve given it my best shot I move on. But this can sometimes take a while.”
He’s nodding his head when they bring us our pesta and salad and we both instinctively seem to want to lighten up a little bit so we simply eat tiny morsels of food and chew heartily as if we’re actually tasting it and then we lay our forks down and it’s only a few minutes after seven and it’s obvious we are both nervous but trying to pretend like this is a normal date but we know it is everything but that and maybe we should’ve stuck to seven instead of six because the disco doesn’t open until ten but what we do is basically sit outside the dining room and listen to the band. Of course that drummer is staring at me and Winston from across the dining room because I can see his beady little eyes glisten and the other one, the young guitar player as he turns out to be, is looking at me like I’m still a reincarnation of his old girlfriend but Winston and I go and sit on a chaise by the pool and listen to the waves and the music and just talk about Jamaica and America and then we go for a walk but not on the beach because those stupid sand fleas are out there and even though they are invisible they bite you in groups and particularly your ankles and especially if you’re wearing perfume they love perfume they bite you so hard you don’t feel it until moments later when you begin to scratch and then it is uncontrollable and you really could cry but you think that if you just scratch hard enough it will go away but it doesn’t and all you see is red and it is blood and so you have to rub that cream on and it doesn’t help all that much which is why Winston and I agree to walk over to Hedonism where they are having a Hunk Show Contest and we sit there in their open dining room/bar and watch twenty young men from all over the world model suits shorts and swimsuits. They are all gorgeous and buffed and I am surprised that people have their clothes on because it’s not what I was told they did over here and of course and under normal circumstances I would probably be screaming at these guys like everybody else is but they just don’t seem to have the finesse and poise and grace and beauty that Winston here has and he’s not at all an exhibitionist and he certainly could be which is why I feel like the lucky one I really do.
On the walk back he takes my hand and places it inside his and really grasps it and I am not kidding I am getting chills and goosebumps all over my arms and they seem to be running down my back as if somebody’s tickling me but then his hand becomes warmer and I seem to be squeezing it tighter and we walk back onto the grounds of the Castle Beach Negril and the band is packing up and so we go into the disco and the DJ is playing some pump-to-the-bump music and Winston and I don’t bother to sit down but head out to the crowded dance floor where we will dance for the next two hours and where I will get drunk watching how suave and smooth he moves, unlike some twenty-one-year-olds who are rather wild but not him he moves in an unrehearsed way as if he is feeling the music and it is what is dictating how he moves and he watches me swing and sway and I don’t do so bad myself I just don’t do the latest dances because I don’t care but then the DJ plays this hold-me-in-your-arms kind of song and in slow motion Winston sort of like automatically pulls me close to him and
puts his arms around me and we rock in one small spot and I go ahead and put my arms around the small of his back and he is nice and narrow and I feel like I’m really starting to spin the way that girl does with John Travolta in that Staying Alive movie and Winston smells so good and his chest is firm and his arms are so long and they are making me feel like I’m inside something good something warm safe go ahead and relax enjoy him Stella it’s okay and his shoulders are so wide and I am looking at this hair sticking out above the V in his shirt and he smells so good and he feels so good and I hope this song lasts for at least another hour and I swear when I feel his hands squeeze my waist and he pushes me out and away from him a little bit and looks down at me and smiles and then kisses me on my forehead I feel like I’m on some kind of drug that causes euphoria because I am like floating right now but when he starts to pull me back against his chest and holds me as close as I can get but as softly as he can I finally realize that Winston is not at all a boy that he is not my toy for the night he is in fact a real man.
It is now about twelve-thirty and the dance floor is empty with the exception of me and Winston. I think we not only have enjoyed dancing together but have both been stalling because we are kind of scared. But scared or not, the place will be closing soon and we have to get out of here and besides I’m not that scared really I want to do this so on a Warren G song I take Winston by the hand and say, “Are you ready to go yet?” and he says, “I’ve been ready I just thought you wanted to dance more,” and I shake my head back and forth and we both smile and he takes my hand as we walk through the game room and out to the path that leads to my room and when we get there I open the door and walk in first and then I really feel like I’m in high school because I can’t remember what I’m supposed to do next.
How Stella Got Her Groove Back Page 10
