by Rae Earl
“Mills,” whispers Lauren, “he’s about to add the glycerine. In a few minutes, we’ll see the fire. The true fire of Trudeau.”
This makes us both giggle a lot. I don’t know what it is but there’s something about Danny starting a small chemical explosion that’s just about taking my mind off my vlog. It’s been itching around in my brain now for hours. All night. ALL day. I am desperate to see how many views we’ve had. What comments we’ve got. Who has seen it. Who hasn’t seen it. Now I FINALLY have the perfect distraction. Doctor Danny and his spatula of love.
After the lesson, Lauren and me are walking behind the Canadian scientist of dreams and I realize I have the perfect opportunity to talk to him about something clever. I understand everything that just happened. I paid TOTAL attention to all of it. It’s like things have all come together to make this one moment. It’s like…
It’s like Bradley Sanderson is straight in front of my face. Completely blocking the view of Danny’s brilliant changing-atoms body.
“I saw it,” he says. “I saw your vlog.”
There are two problems here. I really want to see Danny but I also want to hear what Bradley thought about the vlog.
“What did you think?” I ask. I try to split my eyes to keep one on him and one on Trudeau’s magic. It doesn’t work. I just go cross-eyed.
Bradley stares at me hard. “It’s really, really … brave.”
I find this a bit worrying. The way Bradley says “brave” doesn’t make it feel like a massive compliment. In fact, it makes me feel like I’m doing something really stupid – like riding a bike over a really tall cliff with just a big shirt as a parachute.
Bradley can see my face has slightly collapsed and tries to reassure me. “No. I thought it was like – honest and fresh. I showed my mum and she really liked it.”
Lauren nudges me in the ribs and makes “I told you so” eyebrows.
“Great! Mums like it!” My sarcasm explodes with more fizz than Danny’s experiment. I feel instantly bad though. Bradley looks almost hurt.
I go all enthusiastic. “How come you saw it? Did you go hunting for it?”
Bradley looks down, sideways, up and everywhere eyes can possibly go. “Er. No. That girl in your year who is always posting on Instagram has shared it.”
Lauren and I stare at each other.
Oh no. This is not good.
Danny has stopped to talk to someone. We walk past him. He grins in our general direction. If I wasn’t feeling so worried, I could almost think he was smiling JUST at me. But that’s the thing about my anxiety – it changes the entire world and how I see everything. He was probably just generally happy at making a small bomb that teachers approve of.
I want to go to the Zen loo and check my phone immediately but I can’t. I have to sit through half an hour of Mrs Caldwell going on about binary code. I usually love Mrs Caldwell and her amazing glasses that have interchangeable coloured inserts for different days of the week but I NEED to see what Erin has said.
An Erin take-down could take me down. FOR EVER.
#MEANGIRL
As soon as the lesson ends, I rush to the Zen loo to look at Erin’s Instagram. She’s posted a link to my vlog and a selfie of herself made up in her usual perfect way. She’s tilted her head to the screen, there’s metallic on her eyes and the lips are red. It shouldn’t work but it’s Erin and it does. She’s written:
There’s a really interesting new vlog called #Help @MilliePorter that basically says people who like make-up are shallow. Girls, I don’t think another girl should tell you what you can or can’t do. Are you with me? I think it’s empowering to use make-up to make the best of your features. If you are anti-make-up, you are anti-freedom, anti-girl and anti-feminist. #feminist #GIRLPOWER #makeup #eyes #lips
I don’t even bother to check my vlog. I take the biggest breath it’s possible to take, leave the toilets and show it to Lauren. She’s standing with Bradley. Lauren puts her arm around me. Bradley puts his arm around me too. What is going on?!
I manage to blurt out, “That’s not what I said at all. I just said that—”
“Look, Millie,” Bradley says matter-of-factly, despite the fact he’s still got his arm around me. “To Erin, you’ve basically declared war. ANYONE who does anything half decent on social media threatens her. Unless it’s about lifts. BUT look, she’s given you loads of publicity that you wouldn’t have had otherwise.”
Bradley is looking at me down his huge glasses in a way that makes me feel a bit confused. He’s sweet. And reassuring. And Lauren is looking at us both VERY suspiciously.
“Also, Millie, I, er … wondered to know if you wanted to meet up on Saturday again – to discuss your next vlog?” Bradley continues, going quite red. “I know it doesn’t seem like the world of moving staircases and the world of problem-solving have a lot in common but I think, after seeing your … thing … that I know a way you could reach even more people.”
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I agree and tell Bradley that Saturday sounds lovely. Bradley immediately rushes off doing his usual cling-to-the-wall disappearing act.
After what’s happened today, I need all the help I can get. I know I’ve got Loz, but she’s not an expert. And she’s currently exploding, grinning from ear to ear.
“Now, Millie,” she whispers, “you can’t say that is not a date! He totally utterly likes you, NOT JUST IN THE FRIEND WAY! He put his arm around you!”
I go to yell at Lauren about the difference between professional business meetings and dates when Danny Trudeau taps me on the shoulder.
“Hi, Lauren! Hi, Millie! I liked #Help. Nice work! It’s good to know that it’s not just my family that’s crazy. My dad’s currently trying to build a model tank from scrap metal. He’s been watching too many killer-robot movies and is prepping for their takeover.”
I play it cool. “Do you know what sort of tank?”
Danny looks down, shuffles his feet, tilts his head slightly and says, “Kinda big. Grey. Noisy when you’re chilling. Are you a weaponry expert, Millie?”
He beams at me. All of a sudden I feel slightly hilarious in the good way.
“Not really. I know a lot about Nerf guns. I can SLAY with a Nerf gun.”
Danny looks me square in the face. “Now THAT I would love to see,” he says.
There is a huge, drive-a-bus-through-it uncomfortable gap. Am I meant to say, “I would love to have a pretend battle with you!” or “Any time!”?! In the end, just to break the silence, I blurt out, “I’m not really good with Nerf guns. In fact, I’ve never tried one.”
I don’t know why I say this. Danny looks a bit sad.
“Anyway,” he drawls out, “I’m gonna do what you suggested. Not try to change Dad. Just accept him. Even though he fired a toy grenade at me last night when I was doing my homework! It was a good vlog though. I liked it. Gotta go. Bye, guys.”
Once he’s gone, Lauren and me look at each other.
“Don’t, Millie,” Lauren snaps. “You’ve already got Bradley fancying you. Danny is ERIN PROPERTY. Don’t you DARE mess with him. He will be the icing on the cherry.”
Lauren means “the icing on the cake”. Danny Trudeau is out of bounds. I know it. Lauren knows it. Instagram knows it. THE WORLD knows it.
We hear a lovely clopping sound. Erin swishes by us and breezily calls out, “Hey, Millie! You know I could see what you were trying to do. Something powerful and … real. Only it didn’t quite come off, did it? You just looked a bit … tragic. Still, there’s time to get good. Keep working on it! Danny, wait!”
And Erin catches up with Danny. I see his face light up. Erin flicks her phone out to show him something. I look at Lauren. Surely they are dating. It is inevitable.
“The Danny cake is burnt, Millie. Move away,” Lauren sighs.
The Queen has bagged her prince and I’m Cinderella with a vlog in a shed and no Fairy Godmother.
#COMMENTS
On the way home from sc
hool, Lauren and me finally read all the comments underneath my vlog. It’s had nearly 500 views. Not terrible.
The comments? Er … mixed.
Good advice … if you are stupid
This helped with Mum, thanks!
OK, this is a nice person, who deserves a response.
Don’t talk about things that you don’t understand
OMG pretty gurl
#angst
Bit weird but quite good really
Who do you think you are stupid cow?
Lose 34lbs a week on the Guava Diet
Why are you in a shed? LOL
Respect from Brazil!
Fit. How old are you ;)
Are you a feminist? Is that why you are bare-faced?
I take a few deep breaths.
“Mills! Don’t be sad, that’s a really good question!” Lauren says. “Answer that and also say you’re not being anti-make-up. You’re just saying it’s fine not to wear make-up.”
Between you and me, I’m feeling a bit flat and angry. Erin has managed to twist everything I’ve said, ignore the main bit of advice about insane adults and make it somehow all about her. AGAIN.
I start ranting at Lauren. “You know, next time, I will do half of it in make-up and half not and that will shut EVERYONE UP!”
Lauren stops us both dead in the street. “Hang on though. That could be a great idea.”
I look at Lauren like she’s gone mad. Because she has. “If I do that, EVERYONE will think I’m a complete and utter twonk. Everyone will be talking about it. Everyone…”
Hang on. When you think about it, it’s the most perfect way to make my point. This is actually a fantastic idea.
“LAUREN –” I hug her tight – “YOU ARE A GENIUS!” We dance up and down outside Primark for a bit.
Lauren nods her head, looking very proud of herself. “I’ll do one side of your face made-up and one side not. You’ll look great both ways. Everyone will love you. You will answer Erin without deliberately going for her. Feminism and make-up will be saved. You may even become a sensation.”
And then she looks at me while giving it some serious head-swaying sass. “And now you think Bradley is the vlogging BOMB—”
“Well, er, yes, but no, but … bye, Lauren! See you tomorrow!”
I quickly run away before she can ask me anything more. Perhaps wanting to see Bradley ISN’T just about vlogging. Perhaps I am having major feelings for someone brainy and sweet and perhaps…
When I get to our street, I see that Mum is waiting in Grandad’s front porch. She is not looking happy.
It’s very easy to lose the ability to talk when my mum is giving the “Stare”.
“Millie,” she says as she guides and sort of pushes me into the house, “we NEED to talk NOW.”
#LECTURE
I take Mum to my bedroom. I’ve managed to push nearly everything left of Aunty Teresa’s underneath the bed. Including her wooden stable and play food that she can’t bear to throw out because it reminds her of her first play shop for horses. Not many horses I’ve met like plastic pizzas, but there is no point arguing with Aunty Teresa.
Mum sits on the end of the bed. “Your dad called me, Millie.”
I look at her. That is surprising.
“I’ve heard about this because Grandad told your dad, who told me…” She looks at me and corrects herself. “In fact, I’ve seen you have become one of these people on the Internet who films themselves. And you talked about me and Gary!”
“I didn’t!” I shout.
“You spoke about Gary. It’s not nice to talk about people behind their backs.”
“I didn’t say his name, Mum.” I sound right AND calm.
“Millie. You know I don’t like to be treated like an idiot.”
Why, then, is she acting like one by living with one? I can win this argument EASILY.
“Don’t worry, Mum,” I say quietly, “I’m sure lots of people have got a robot hoover that they treat like a child. No one will realize it’s Gary.”
Mum gets her strop face on and her voice gets higher. “You also know I don’t appreciate sarcasm, Millie. And I’m worried about you. On the Internet, there are evil people pretending to be really nice. They want to hurt you. I mean, do you know who you are talking to? Do you really?!”
I try not to be cross at Dad and Grandad. I try not to be cross at Mum. She is patronizing me to death but I know it’s because she loves me so I keep calm.
“Mum, seriously! I am talking to them. They are not talking to me. I don’t say where I live. Not even the country I come from. I know what I’m doing.”
Mum’s face goes red. “Does it make you a target for really terrible people though, Millie?”
I still keep calm. “I think you’ve been watching too many films with Liam Neeson, Mum. Honestly, I promise if I had any worries, I would come to you. I always have, haven’t I? Like that time when someone at school told me that Father Christmas took all your teeth away if you’d been naughty that year. I was sleeping face down all December. Remember?”
“Well,” Mum says, “to use that story, these Internet people, like Father Christmas, are basically coming down the chimney and they—”
There! I knew she was going to overreact! I have to shut her down before I lose it.
“Mum. Honestly. I’m fine. And all the homework’s still being done.”
And it is – I make time. I’ve got time. I still haven’t got an actual desk in this house but I just use Aunty Teresa’s TV-dinner Despicable Me 2 tray.
“Oh Millie…” Mum sounds a bit sad now. “I’m missing out on what you do. Come home. I know I can’t make you. Please just remember I AM HERE. ALWAYS. ALWAYS.”
And she does her heart fist pump, where she bangs her chest and then pats it on mine.
This makes me want to cry.
My mum is lovely really. I know I should be hating on her, and loads of my friends don’t get on with their mums, but mine is cool. Apart from the fact she’s going out with a really clean dictator. Like a lemon-fresh Stalin.
If you love someone, it’s often better if you have different houses. It just sorts it ALL out. I may do a vlog on it.
“By the way,” Mum asks me as we go downstairs, “where is your dad?”
“Oh, he’s out doing some work.”
Between you and me, I have absolutely no idea where he is.
#HONEST
After Mum’s gone, I feel a bit down. It doesn’t help that it’s Monday, when you just feel like you’ve got so far to go till the weekend.
If I was doing an honest vlog tonight, this is what I would really talk about:
1. Those comments really hurt. They sting inside and make me feel sick. I KNOW they shouldn’t, but they do. And I want to keep the vlog going so Erin and all the haters don’t win. BUT IT’S HARD.
2. My dad is never here! Grandad acts more like my dad. I see Dave the cat more than I see my own father – and she’s always out doing the feline party thing. I know Dad loves having me here but it’s just like my mum said: Dad is completely … his own man. He’s not a bad man. He’s not a bad dad. If I was in trouble, I know he would be here for me. But in normal life, he just lets me get on with things and he does his own thing and I…
3. OK, I’m only telling you this. I sort of miss a clean home and knowing people are going to be around when they say they will be. I don’t miss McWhirter and being treated like an actual ball of fluff on laminate wood flooring CONSTANTLY. But I do miss all the … organization. The stuff that makes you feel safe and not … panicky. I AM SO DULL. If only Gary “Neat Freak” Woolton would DO ONE and take his specialist flat screen anti-static wipes somewhere else.
4. I love Danny Trudeau and I’ve got no chance. And this isn’t me wanting you to say, “Of course you have, Millie!” in a fish-for-compliments special, because if you’ve seen Erin, you’d know what I mean. ZERO chance.
5. If all that wasn’t enough, I’m confused about Bradley Sande
rson. I didn’t want to admit it to Lauren, but I think I like him. In what way, I don’t even know. I need the sensible part of my head to detach from all this squiggled-spoon-confused bit and sort it out. Or I could tell Mum. But that would mean admitting I can’t really cope and that I’m not that … clever. Or wise. Or anything my vlog claims.
So that’s my honest vlog. But there’s no way I want to share all this with the rest of the world right now. Just you and Dave the cat. Who is currently halfway up the curtain swinging from side to side. To her, a curtain is just a fabric playground. She’s probably only copying what Aunty Teresa has already done anyway.
#MAKEOVER
“Millie. Just admit it. You’re going on a date with Bradley Sanderson at the weekend.”
The Monday blues have gone and now it’s #Help night. Lauren and me are just about to do another vlog (even though this makes my heart race). I also think Lauren might have realized I’m finding the whole Bradley thing confusing. I’m not telling her that though.
“It’s NOT a date, Loz. Like the last one was not a date. It’s a … meeting about how I can improve my marketing strategy.”
“Come on, Millie.” Lauren looks at me like she doesn’t believe a word I’m saying. “It’s seriously about YOU liking him. If you two had babies, they would be like the most clever sensible babies in the world. They could be like … Mark Zuckerberg.”
I can’t handle this level of Lauren love talk, so I go factual instead. This is a great way to get her off her current track of randomness.
“Loz, did you know you can change your language to ‘Pirate’ on Facebook?”
This is old news but I’ve hooked her in. We never use Facebook these days, so I could tell her anything. I can see Lauren’s brain has gone into serious overdrive.
“Really, Millie? Why?”
“I don’t know,” I say. “The point is, I’m not having babies with Bradley Sanderson. He’s got a girlfriend in the States he’s never met.”
