by L. A. Meyer
"When I was mean to you ... I thought I ... I was becoming one of those sodomites," he says, the words not coming easy. "Not with anyone else. Just with you."
Well.
"You'll just have to get over that, won't you," says I, all brisk and cruel. "As it ain't natural."
I return to my sewing.
He don't say nothin' at all, not for a long while.
"I know it's not natural and I know I'll have to leave the Service," he finally manages to say, hardly above a whisper. "Good-bye, Jacky. None of it was your fault." He begins to rise.
"Wait," I say, getting to my feet. "Before you go, I want you to hold this up so I can measure it."
"Wh—What is it?" he asks, all confused with the turn in the conversation.
"A dress," I say.
"A dress? For whom?"
"For me. Now stand up."
As he gets up, I pull off my white overshirt and pop open the top four buttons of my vest. I run my hand over my hair, fluffing it up a bit in the light breeze. I take a deep breath. "Ah yes. That certainly feels better. Now, Jaimy, hold it up against me ... Take the dress, Jaimy, come on. Don't be shy, now. Tuck it up against my ribs ... Right, push it up there, while I mark it. Hold it now. There. Thanks."
He stands stunned.
I sit back down and resume sewing, but I don't put my shirt back on and I don't button up my vest. I look up at him. "What's the matter, Jaimy? Ain't-cha never seen a girl?"
It's a good ten minutes he stands there staring. Then he sits down for another ten minutes just lookin' at me. At last, he finds he can speak. He stands up.
"What are we going to do, Jacky?" he asks, all stupid.
I get to my feet. I face him, square on.
"Well, Jaimy," I says, "you can kiss me, if you love me."
PART IV
Shorn of Hope and by Hope Betrayed,
Yet by Hope Uplifted and by Hope Is Saved.
Chapter 30
Oh, and it's a different James Emerson Fletcher who walks the deck of His Majesty's Ship the Dolphin these past days. His step is quick and light and his head is high and his gaze is clear and fixed on far horizons, but he is not of this Earth. His mind is adrift and awash in the wonder of it all.
Me, too.
We have to be very careful because now I don't want to be put off the ship, not now, and though I know that I'm soon to be caught, I just want as much time as I can get right here right now with Jaimy, and that's all I'm thinkin' about. I ain't thinkin' any farther ahead than the next time we can be alone together in the mizzen top or on watch at night. Yes, I know we've got to be wary, just a little clutch and a kiss-me-quick here and there, but oh, Lord...
In my calm moments I realize that I am going to have to be the wise one of the pair of us. Jaimy, who is usually so upright and self-possessed and clearheaded, gets so carried away that he don't know what he's doin'. My own ardor is not to be discounted, but I know I've got to be strong 'cause I know what happens at the end. Mrs. Roundtree told me and I can't let it happen. Not yet, I can't.
I move back into the hammock. We've still got to sleep end to end to keep up appearances, for after all, Davy and Tink are right there, so it's the same as it was before. But now it's different, oh, yes, it's very different.
Tilly is teaching us some anatomy today. He has a large watercolor painting of the guts of a person—a male person. Jaimy is blushing for me, but I put on a look of keen scientific interest and run my toe up Jaimy's pant leg.
Tilly tells us what each of the organs are for and it hits me suddenly that he probably got the chart from one of those anatomists back in London. I try not to think any more about that as this may be someone I know. Or knew.
Still, it's good to know where the important guts are so as to be able to protect them when one is, say, down on the deck and being kicked. Next time it happens to me I'll make sure to squirm over and get my back to the wall to protect my kidneys. If I do that and curl up and cover my head with my hands and tuck my elbows into my belly, well, there's not much out there for them to kick.
"What are those two little things for, Mr. Tilden," I asks, pointing, and Jaimy gives me a kick and a look.
"Never you mind, Jack," says Tilly, looking at me as if I were beyond hope of redemption. "And you can stop with the silly smirking and grinning, you little fool. Remember, Jack, 'Whom the gods would destroy, they first make happy' Class dismissed."
And it's true. I am as happy as I have ever been, and I can only hope the gods cut me some slack. At least for a bit.
Willy is taken up as Ordinary Seaman. He's to be a Waister to start off, which means he'll work in the center part of the ship, on deck, and it's the lowest kind of seaman there is, but still it's seaman and not ship's boy and he gets full pay and a full share of prize money and a full ration of horse and biscuit and rum now, too. We're all happy for him and clap him on the back, and he swears he won't forget us in his new grand state and won't kick us even though it's now his right.
I take the seabag I was making for myself before everything changed and stitch wm. Simpson, seaman on the side, and we give it to him as a farewell present and he starts blubbering, good old Willy.
Jaimy and I force ourselves to sometimes go up on the foretop to be with Davy and Tink, all that's left now with Willy gone off to new duties and new mates. We talk and hang about like in old times, but all Jaimy and I want to do is be alone together, our arms and legs around each other and our lips mashed together and ... well ... We don't do that when the others are around, but that's all we're thinking about, so we ain't very good company.
I do come to my senses sometimes and insist that we act a little bit normal, so I send Jaimy away to hang about with the other sailors for appearances' sake, although it pains me to do so. Then I go up into the foretop with Davy and Tink, and I work on my cap.
My cap has a blue top that is gathered into a white headband on to which I have stitched hms dolphin. The blue top part is loose and floppy and roomy enough to stuff my hair up into. Davy swears that he will put a marlinespike in my belly and twist it if I wear that stupid thing in front of the Captain so that the Captain orders me to make them for all the boys, so that Davy his ownself has to wear the damned thing in front of the entire crew and so die of shame. Tink backs that up with a promise to gut me with a rusty knife if this comes to pass. I invite them to go do something unnatural to themselves and we fling curses back and forth, just like in the old days.
I fear discovery more than I fear either Tink or Davy, so now that I've completed my cap, I wear it constantly.
I have taken up my lessons in music with Liam again, now that the curse is off me, and he is starting me on the concertina, which is good 'cause even my love-addled mind knows that the time ain't long when I'll have to make my way alone. Jaimy says that no, that won't happen. He says that we'll get off the ship together and that we'll get married and that he'll take care of me, but I don't know. They could kick me off and keep him on, which is much more likely, the Service having put a lot of time and training in Jaimy and in me, too, but what's put in me will be lost to them and they'll probably be mad and in no mood to grant the wishes of two ship's boys. One ship's boy, rather, and one worthless ship's girl.
I did like hearing Jaimy say he'd marry me, though.
Liam's noticed a change in me. He looks at me sideways and smiles like he knows something, and I blush and look down and say "What?" and he says, "Oh, nothing, Jacky. Just you be careful is all."
I go to the Sunday music making and dancing, but I don't dance anymore and Liam doesn't push me. I'd love to dance and sing and play and just show off in general, 'cause it's in my nature, but the poor and faltering Deception must be preserved as long as possible and showing myself off ain't the way to do it. I sit back under my cap at the edge of things and help out with my whistle and sometimes the concertina. The other sailors don't comment on my new shyness. They figure I've been through a lot. Little do they know.
J
aimy takes my sailor cap off my head when we get together, he takes it off with feeling, tossing it aside and running his hand through my hair and turning my face up to his and...
He has tried to talk me out of some of my other clothes, too, but I don't let him win, 'cause I know what's gonna happen if I do.
Ain't I bein' a good girl, then?
Chapter 31
We are in Kingston. We had about a two-day warning and here we are. We came in with flags flying and cannons booming and everyone turned out all smart, and there was the usual parade of nobs and officials and such, and then the Governor came aboard. Us sideboys were decked out and lined up and I wore my new cap and the Captain put in an order for three more for the other boys. "Make it so, Mr. Haywood," and the First Mate looks at me with so very little love in his heart and I look back at the man who would have had me hanged with even less, and Davy beside me risks a beating by gouging my side with his thumbnail, and then there's more whistles and pipes and then everybody leaves. It's easier getting ashore this time 'cause we're right next to the dock with a gangway going down. Ten minutes later we're off on the town.
There's great crowds in the streets, it being market day and Carnival just like Joshua said, and Jaimy and I manage to get separated from Tink and Davy, which wasn't too hard to do 'cause I think the two little baboons have got something nasty planned.
So Jaimy and I walk around the market and it's all bright and colorful, even more so than Palma, with the people dressed in their holiday best. We watch a trained monkey dance to a man playing a concertina, and there are men (and women!) walking about playing guitars and singing, so I guess that's allowed. Good to know. The dancing is wild and loud—much more spirited than us somber Brits, but I could get along. I could learn these tunes.
We look at all the stalls selling the most wonderful things like carved monkey heads and bright necklaces and bracelets and ... there are the sandals. I try on a lot of them with the owner of the shop pointing out the virtues of each, and finally I settle on a pair. A cheap pair, but my first footwear and so therefore precious. I put them on and we move off through the fair. We're having a grand time, but we can't even hold hands. It ain't that free a city.
We're about to duck into a tavern, when I spy a stall all piled up with used clothing.
"Wait a minute, Jaimy," I say, and I go over and rummage though the dresses and find one that looks like it would fit and the price is right. I haul out the few pennies to pay the woman and she looks at me funny and I say that it's for my sister, and she laughs and says, "Whatever, child," and I grab Jaimy by the arm and say, "Let's go."
"Go where?" asks the dear stupid boy.
"We're going to walk for a bit, and when the town thins out I'm going to change into this dress, and for once, just once, we are going to walk out in the world as a boy and a girl."
The town does thin out quickly after we leave the main square. The houses get farther apart and vacant lots appear, and then small fields. At last I see some bushes that will serve.
"Wait here, Jaimy, and turn around," I say and give him a level look. "On your honor. Right here." He waits.
I go behind the curtain of small trees and, seeing that it's safe, pull my jumper off over my head and then unbutton the vest (ahhh...) and then hurry off the vest, down the pants, off the sandals, and on with the dress. The dress comes down only to my knees and my underdrawers show below the hem. My fake cod pokes out the front of the dress. Plainly, this will never do, so I shed the drawers, too. I know it's risky, but there's no other way. I roll up my clothes in a neat bundle and put the sandals back on and look at the dress. It's a little shabby and worn and the colors are faded, and it's been washed so many times it's flimsy, but it's wondrous soft and it's a good fit. The neckline comes low across my chest and it's got puffy little short sleeves. I could have done worse. A lot worse.
I fluff up my hair and run my tongue over my lips and I step out to show Jaimy.
"So, James Fletcher," says I, and I stands there and cocks my hip. "What do you think of your saucy sailor girl now?"
He turns and looks at me. His eyes widen and his mouth opens slightly.
"Beautiful," he whispers. "You are so beautiful."
I look down at the ground. I'm suddenly flustered by the warmth of his gaze. "Ah, g'wan," I say lamely. "I bet you say that to all the girls."
"No, Jacky. You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen or ever will see. I know I will never be happier than I am at this moment." He comes to me and takes my hand.
"Well. We'll see about that, won't we?" I say, having much more happier moments for him planned out in my head. "As for now, you may take your lady to lunch."
I twine my arm through his and we wend our way back into the town.
We find a little café on the outskirts of the busy center and we go in and find a table in the gloom, and Jaimy pulls out my chair for me, which shows he did have some manners as a youth, and I sit down with my dress pulled up proper under me, which shows I'm learning, too, 'cause I ain't never had a dress on before unless you count my shifts.
A large woman comes over and beams at us and asks us what we'd like to have, and Jaimy says for her to bring us some food and ale. I say that I'd rather have a little wine, thank you, and I say that 'cause I've noticed that the beer and ale run right through me, which makes it difficult, given my usual situation.
"The lads will never come this far out," says I, looking about. It's deliciously cool in here. And quiet. And dim.
Jaimy puts his hand on mine. "I don't care if they do. I meant what I said before. About leaving the Service and getting married."
"Jaimy, you've got to be sensible. They're never going to let you just leave the ship."
"I'll desert."
"No, you won't. The Navy's your life, as you've often said. You're sure to be made midshipman soon. You don't want to mess that up. If you deserted, you'd never step on a British ship again. I don't think you could live with that."
"No." He looks at me steady. "You're my life, now."
Although I appreciate the thought, I see that some female charm is necessary, "Jaimy," I breathe softly and lean over and put my arm around his waist and look real close in his eyes, "I will be ever so proud of my Mr. Midshipman James Emerson Fletcher, I will."
Just then the woman brings us our food and drinks. "Now, now, children, plenty o' time for that. Eat up now." Everyone in the place seems to be grinning and winking at us.
My simpering little speech seems to have had the desired effect on Jaimy, cause he doesn't say anything more about deserting. We turn to lunch.
I shovel in a mouthful of the food, which seems to be a spicy chicken thing with vegetables all fried and all greasy and good, and I start laughing and almost choke.
"What's so funny?" he asks.
"I was just imagining," says I, wiping off my mouth with the back of my arm, "Mother Fletcher back in London getting word that her son James had forsaken His Majesty's Service and run off with some little trollop in Kingston, Jamaica!"
I look at him over the rim of my wineglass and giggle.
He smiles at the thought. "Perhaps you're right," he admits, dabbing at his mouth with the piece of cloth that was in front of him on the table. I look and there's one in front of me, too. So that's what it's for, I think, all shamed. I pick mine up and dab my mouth, too, daintylike. I know he's watching me, so I take the cloth and wipe the back of my arm, too. He laughs.
"I know I've got a lot to learn," I say, "like, what is this?" I hold up the third eating thing at my place.
"It's called a fork," says Jaimy. "You use it to spear things and scoop things, too. Like this. Careful you don't poke your tongue with it, now."
I let my mind wander back to our little walk down here and how wonderful it felt to walk natural like a girl with my hips swaying a bit and not having to walk all clenched up like I do the rest of the time to look like a boy. It was grand just to walk along swinging our clasped hands betw
een us and, just for a moment, forget about the ship and all that and think only of the moment and each other. That and stopping every few steps for a bit of a nuzzle and pet.
Jaimy asks if I want another glass of wine or anything else to eat, and I say, "No, let's go back outside in the world, you and me under the sun," and so we get up and pay and thank the woman for her hospitality and step back out into the bright sunlight and head back up the street.
We come to a low wall in the curve of the road, and the view of the city opens up. The streets are like steps up the hillside, and one street level is above the rooftops of the street below. We pause there and turn toward each other and come together and...
"Hey, jaimy!"
We both jerk our heads around, and there, three streets below, are Davy and Tink, and Davy is shouting, "It's Jaimy, and he's got a girl!"
I think fast.
I grab Jaimy by the shirtfront and hiss, "Do what I say. Step up on the wall. Point to them and smile real broad and pretend you're telling me they're your mates!"
He does it. He gets up on the wall. He gives me his hand and I get up on the wall. He points. He smiles. He mouths to me, "Those are my mates."
I take it from there.
I turn to them and smile and wave, with my dress blowing about me in the breeze, and I call out, "Allo, freens of Jay-meee! 'E ees most wonderful boy, yes, I theenk I lof heem!"
The boys stand down there thunderstruck.
"I em mos' sor-ree I cannot stay to meet you var-ree preety boys but I mus' go. My papa weel keel me eef 'e see me here with Jay-meee!"
I turn to Jaimy and say, "I'm about to make you a legend, my dear." And I take his face in my hands and kiss him long and slow up there on that little wall with my lovely, lovely dress blowing about me.
