I was still a pretty big fan of video games at that time in my life, so when I saw this person bring the entire rig for playing this game into school, I had only one thought: This woman is cool and I need to talk to her.
Unfortunately, I had barely begun honing my social skills. What was I going to say to break the ice? I was too shy to give her a direct compliment, and every other way to open a conversation seemed stupid to me.
This is where the beauty of SCF II – Interest/Agreement Openers appears.
It is a perfect marriage of a subtle compliment wrapped in a question of intrigue.
When I began a conversation by attempting to build a bridge of commonality, I felt a lot more comfortable breaking the ice. In a sense, by initiating the offer of building a relationship through the establishment of common ground, my first impression on people was that of connection. Consider the ever-growing hostility that each of us faces because of political, religious, and other personal beliefs.
It’s easy to see why showing your conversation partner that you “come in peace” can lower a lot of their barriers and open the way for meaningful connections. After all, we are less hesitant to share more of ourselves with those who are similar to us.
SCF II – Interest/Agreement Openers is a way to set the context of positive discussion for the conversation.
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Description
Begin a sentence or interrogative with a phrase indicating interest or agreement.
Benefits
By turning common questions into subtle commands or indicators, you will create a stronger prompt for a response from those you are talking to.
When to Use
This is an effective opener. It can be used to switch or dig deeper into a conversational topic.
How to Use
Place an interest or agreement phrase (I would like to, I’d love to, I’m interested in, I feel like we agree) in front of an interrogative (who, what, where, etc.) to turn a common question into a command that states interest.
Example:
Instead of “Where did you get those shoes?”
Say “I’d love to know where you got those shoes.”
Instead of “You like rock and roll?”
Say “I feel like we agree that rock and roll beats rap.”
Sample Script
You: I’d like to know where you got that video-game. It’s one of my favorites! (SCF2.1)
Person: Oh, thanks! I actually got it as a gift from my best friend.
Commentary and Tips
SCF2.1. “I’d like to know where you got that video-game” replaces “Where did you get that video-game?” By turning the original question into a subtle command, you are more effectively prompting a response.
Tip: The agreement opener will draw some disagreement. That’s okay, as long as you do not focus on the disagreement. (For example, if they say they like rap better, don’t press on with your opinion of why rock is preferable.) This is meant to be used as a playful assumption that either will be perceived positively as mutual agreement or give you a chance to learn something about them.
Challenge
Easy – Do this exercise three times with a friend or family member.
Medium – Do this exercise three times with different people.
Hard – Do this exercise three times with different people in twenty-four hours.
Keep It Open
SCF III
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There are many things I like: sunny days, windy beaches, dogs, scotch, and supreme pizza, to name a few.
There are also many things I dislike: cold rain, stepping on seashell fragments, cockroaches, tequila, plain cheese pizza, and the letter “k” as a response to a text. For example:
“Want to go to the movies?”
“k”
Drives me nuts!
I am willing to bet that being on the receiving end of “k” makes you a little frustrated, too.
One-word answers are nearly impossible to work with if you are not prepared to deal with them! However, when I realized I actually had control over the quality of the responses I received, I was thrilled!
Before I began using SCF III – Keep it Open, my natural tendency was to ask questions that prompted a yes or no response. If I was going to get a one-word answer, then I wanted it to have enough meat on it to give me a chance to propel the conversation.
The power of SCF III – Keep it Open lies in this fact:
Whether the response you receive is one word or a complete sentence, it will always have substance.
That’s right! When I began asking open-ended questions, my conversation partners could not answer with words like “yes,” “no,” “sure,” and “k.” They had to give me substance! For example, using this SCF, a dialogue may look like this:
“What kind of movie would you be into seeing?”
This would prompt one of three types of answers.
1. A fulfilling answer: “I think I’d be down with seeing either a comedy or that thriller that just came out.”
2. A substantial one-word answer: “Comedy.”
3. An indecisive answer: “I don’t know.”
Don’t worry, we will touch on how to deal with an indecisive answer in SCF X – Tridenting.
Give SCF III – Keep it Open a shot next time you want more than a one-word response!
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Description
Using open-ended interrogatives to keep a conversation going.
Benefits
Open-ended questions make it awkward for your respondent to answer with simply “yes” or “no.” They will put subtle pressure on them to divulge conversational topics to you.
When to Use
Anytime.
How to Use
Start questions with “who,” “what,” “when,” “where,” “why,” “which,” “how,” or other words that cannot be answered easily with “yes” or “no.”
Avoid starting questions with “did,” “does,” “are,” or other words that prompt a “yes” or “no” answer.
Sample Script
Good:
You – Are you going out?
Man – Yes.
Better:
You – Where are you going?
Man – The basketball game. (SCF3.1)
Commentary and Tips
SCF3.1. By asking an open-ended question, you got information about a basketball game that you can talk about. It’s much harder to talk about a yes or no.
Tip: Closed-ended questions do have their place. If you need definite answers, you should resort to these to eliminate any alternate interpretations. They can also be used once a stable rapport has been established with your conversation partner.
Challenge
Easy – Do this exercise three times with a friend or family member.
Medium – Do this exercise three times with strangers.
Hard – Do this exercise three times with three different strangers in twenty-four hours.
Topics: Storing and Referring
SCF IV
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Awkward . . .
. . . silence.
I remember dreading networking events for this very reason. People would give me their elevator pitch, I would give mine, and then there would be awkward silence. Not the best first impression by any means!
What’s worse is that it didn’t make sense! Why was it that when I was at networking events, conventions, workshops, or any place where there was an abundance of very accomplished and famous people, I could not think of something to talk about when the conversation ran dry? There was obviously a lot these people had experienced and could share!
Fortunately, after I began using SCF I – Real Curiosity, I realized that the people I was conversing with provided me a wealth of conversational topics in addition to the one we were talking about! Without having to do anything except exercise a little bit of short-term memory, I could consistently store topics to tran
sition to when our conversation ran out of steam.
Topics were abundant in conversation! As long as I could remember a few of them along the way I could transition back to them smoothly at any time!
Those elevator pitches people gave me weren’t just empty scripts; they were chock-full of conversational topics that I could store in the back of my mind and refer to later in the conversation!
SCF IV – Topics: Storage and Referral is about understanding that what you learn from listening to people is more than just little tidbits of random information—it’s also opportunities to carry the conversation forward!
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Description
Collecting conversational topics to use when the subject being discussed runs its course.
Benefits
Nearly endless supply of things to say.
When to Use
Use this SCF at the beginning of a conversation and when you run out of nodes (next section). Rule of thumb: your first objective should be to store one to two extra topics as soon as you can and keep that many in the back of your mind to jump to when a conversational topic runs dry.
How to Use
Use SCF I — Real Curiosity to search for topics to store. When a conversation runs dry, jump to another topic.
Sample Script
*Beginning of conversation*
You – Hi. I’m [your name]. Nice to meet you.
Jake – Hey there. Nice to meet you. I’m Jake.
You – Hi Jake, where are you headed to?
Jake – I’m actually making a pit stop up the block and then headed to work. (SCF4.1)
*Later in conversation*
Jake – . . . and that’s more or less how I got into accounting (SCF4.2)
You – Wow; who would have thought! By the way, you mentioned earlier that you’re making a pit stop up the block. I’m guessing you’re grabbing lunch at this hour? (SCF4.3)
Jake – I wish! No, I’m actually headed there to shop for some treats. It’s my dog’s birthday tomorrow.
You – You have a dog? I’d love to know more about him. Name? Breed?
Commentary and Tips
SCF4.1. Notice the two topics given in this sentence. The first is the pit stop and the second is work. You talk about work and store the pit stop.
SCF4.2. You choose to talk about work but later in the conversation the topic runs dry.
SCF4.3. You refer to the pit stop, which leads to multiple other topics to store and refer to later, such as what kind of shop Jake is heading to and his dog.
Challenge
Easy – In a conversation, store two topics and refer to at least one of them.
Medium – In a conversation, store two topics and refer to at least one of them. Then store a replacement topic.
Hard – In a conversation, store two topics and refer to at least one of them. Then store a replacement topic. Do this twice.
Topics: Nodes SCF V
When I was in college, I worked a lot with 3D modeling programs to create characters, environments, props, and other objects for games and movies. One program I used was Maya. Within it was a feature that paralleled conversation so effectively that it helped me exponentially increase the number of topics I could converse about even if the responses I was receiving from my conversation partners were minimal.
This feature is called Hypershade. It takes a material and separates its characteristics into nodes that you can add, subtract, and edit.
For example, let’s say you wanted to make your material look metallic. You would give it nodes for color, shininess, smoothness, transparency, reflectiveness, and more!
What does this have to do with talking to other people?
Think about it like this:
Every topic you can possible converse about has “nodes” that are hidden within it. The topic of dogs can have nodes like size, weight, breed, and personality. In addition, dogs can itself be a node of something broader, such as animals or pets.
SCF V – Topics: Nodes leverage the individual characteristics of topics to expand potential points to speak about.
What makes me appreciate this SCF is that it is especially effective if you or your conversation partner is particularly shy. For people who may have a difficult time picking up on new topics during a conversation, having the ability to expand a topic to its full worth is an invaluable skill to have.
SCF V – Topics: Nodes will enhance your sensitivity to all things applicable to a particular conversational topic.
Description
Extrapolating extra topics from the characteristics of a single topic.
Benefits
Limitless conversational topics that flow easily together.
When to Use
Anytime your current topic runs dry or if you see a chance to amplify (next section) a similar topic or have to mute (explained later) the current topic.
How to Use
Take a topic and pull as many characteristics as you can from it. For example, if somebody talks about the topic of their love of Stanley Kubrik films, you can extrapolate the following:
· Stanley Kubrik, the director
· Various films by Kubrik; e.g., The Shining, 2001: A Space Odyssey
From these you can look at genre, actors, etc. and go further from there.
· Film production
· Visual art
. . . and much more.
Sample Script
You – What kind of movies are you into? (SCF5.1)
Man – I love anything by Stanley Kubrik. (SCF5.2)
You – I love The Shining; it’s one of my favorites! (SCF5.3)
Man – The Shining is a great one. Can you believe they almost cast Robin Williams to play the lead? (SCF5.4)
Commentary and Tips
SCF5.1. The topic starts off as movies.
SCF5.2. The man speaks about the node of movie directors, specifically, Stanley Kubrik.
SCF5.3. You look at the nodes associated with Kubrik and float back to movies. You choose his work The Shining.
SCF5.4. Finally, from among The Shining’s nodes, the man chooses actors associated with that film and talks about Robin Williams.
Challenge
Easy – In a conversation, store two nodes and refer to at least one of them.
Medium – In a conversation, store two nodes and refer to at least one of them. Then store a replacement topic.
Hard – In a conversation, store two nodes and refer to at least one of them. Then store a replacement topic. Do this twice.
Topics: Amplification
SCF VI
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Who would rather spend your time with, a person who builds upon your point of view or a person who refutes everything you say?
Whether we choose to admit it or not, we like being around people who agree with us more than we do people who don’t. That’s not to say that we don’t like a healthy debate! However, I was arguably the world’s biggest player of the devil’s advocate and my ability to make connections with others suffered because of it.
Constantly playing devil’s advocate or even focusing too much on your own agenda is not the best way to connect with people.
Perfect example:
Flash back to when I was in my early twenties and living in Virginia. I began teaching guitar on the side for a little extra cash. I had studied music and played guitar for almost ten years and I was very confident in my abilities as a musician. However, the transition into teaching was a bit trickier than I had imagined it would be.
I remember having a hard time instructing one of my first students, who was a twelve-year-old boy. I wanted to teach him everything in order to make him as good of a musician as possible. I tried showing him theory, transcription, ear training, strict guitar playing techniques, and more. However, every week when we met for his private lesson, I could tell that he had not been practicing.
During one of the check-in meetings I had with him and his parents, I asked what his in
itial reason was for deciding to pick up the instrument. He sheepishly looked down to the floor—it was clear that he was embarrassed about something.
It was an innocent question. There could only be one thing a twelve-year-old boy would be afraid to admit in front of his guitar teacher and mother.
“Dude. You doing this for the ladies?” I asked.
He gave a little shrug.
“All good, my man. Me too.” I smiled.
I restructured the lessons to target songs that would be better for wooing, so to speak. We also began lessons with tales of my many attempts to use my guitar playing to impress women. Unfortunately for me, being a progressive metal guitarist did not tend to leave ladies head over heels.
It was when I shared our common ground of playing guitar to meet girls with my student that I saw his desire and ability to play significantly increase.
SCF VI – Topics: Amplification highlights what we share. It is in common ground where we lay the strongest foundations for a connection.
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Description
Highlighting mutual interest in a particular topic.
Benefits
People like being around those who are like them. By focusing on topics where there is mutual interest, you are showing the person you’re talking to that the two of you are alike.
When to Use
Anytime there is a topic of mutual interest.
How to Use
When the person you’re talking to shows and/or expresses interest in a topic, focus on that topic.
Sample Script
You: When I was in high school, I played football. My dream was to play for the Pittsburgh Steelers.
Communications Crash Course Page 4
