It worried him that she’d gone so quiet.
“I’ll be back as soon as I know what’s happening.”
He pressed a kiss to her forehead, loath to leave her, but knowing it was the only way he could help her. Each step he took back to the assault course, all Van could think of was getting back to Jess. He was angry at her. Mad as hell. But when he’d seen someone tumble from the top of the wall, he hadn’t been cursing her stupidity. The relief when he realized it was Jayne—one of his own clients—was enough to shed light on all the questions plaguing Van on the drive out here.
He knew without doubt that he loved Jess.
The revelation hit him like a three-punch combo. Fear. Relief. Love. But he had no time to wonder how much it changed things.
It changed everything.
Van offered what he knew of Jayne and Tash’s existing injuries to the paramedics in exchange for information to relay to Jess. Jayne had broken her arm but appeared to be unhurt otherwise. Tash had a nasty cut on her head that would require stitches and they were worried about her hip. However, they had given up on the neck brace and she was vocal in explaining what medication she preferred, so it didn’t appear too serious. The girls were lucky they’d landed in a foot of mud, which had cushioned their fall.
Van extricated himself as quickly as he could without looking like an unfeeling bastard. His priority was Jess and setting her mind at ease.
Except, the car was empty.
Van ran back onto the course, searching for Jess amongst the crowd gathered around the wall, but there were too many people obscuring his view. She could be anywhere. He returned to the car to retrieve his phone and call her. As he leaned in to snag it from the console, he saw the reason Jess had left.
An open file on the front seat with a muddy thumbprint inside the cover.
Jess’s file.
The one he’d been keeping notes in. The one outlining his potential treatment program. He’d been intending to go over it with Jess. He’d had some stupid idea that laying it out while they’d been stuck in the mountains would force Jess to hear him out. She wouldn’t have been able to run when he’d suggested she join him as part of his team.
Van flicked the file shut, a huge weight settling across his shoulders. He bowed his head. Without an explanation, the evidence appeared damning.
Fuck! Van thumped the top of the car. Didn’t she trust him?
Stupid question. Of course she didn’t.
Why would she?
* * * * *
Everything Thomas had said was true.
And more.
When Van had turned up after Jayne’s fall, his eyes hadn’t gone to her injured friends, but to her. She’d caught the release of tension in his body when he’d realized she was safe. And for a moment, Jess had thought they might be all right. That they could work past what Thomas had told her.
Then she’d found the file in the front of Van’s car. Irrefutable evidence of his ultimate manipulation.
She’d been so fucking stupid.
The air in the car had started to close in on her until Jess hadn’t been able to catch her breath. She’d scrambled for the door handle, half falling out of the car to gulp in great lungfuls of air.
What the hell was she going to do? She stood, turning in circles, wondering where she went next. One glance in the direction of her friends and she knew she’d get nowhere near them. She didn’t have any transport. Nowhere to hide.
What she would give to roll back time and undo her friends’ decision. Their stupid bravado. They’d only agreed to do the course as a way to get back at Van, to support Jess because they’d known she was hurting. And they’d ended up hurting themselves.
There was nothing good Jess could take from this. She should have stopped them.
In the folder, Van had called Jess motivational. But he’d had it right the first time. What had he called her? Self-destructive.
“Jess. Thank God. Are you okay?”
It took Jess a moment to realize it was Thomas running toward her. He put his arm around her shoulder, gathering her in, not seeming to care that she was covered in mud and getting it all over his clean T-shirt.
And Jess had never been happier to see him. She’d forgotten all about Thomas in the rush of relief at seeing Van after the accident.
“I’m sorry we ruined your campaign.” She sniffed, pressure building behind her eyes. She didn’t do crying.
“Don’t worry about it.” He twisted his mouth into a concerned smile. “I have people who will turn this into a good news story for me.”
“Can they do that for me too? Can they change everything so I don’t feel g-guilty?” Jess asked in a small voice. Tears started falling faster than she could blink them back.
Thomas pulled her into a full-blown hug.
“Do you want to call Cole?” he asked, digging his phone one-handed out of his pocket.
That was exactly what Jess wanted to do. Talk to Cole. Her hands were shaking so hard it took two attempts to dial his number. The call didn’t connect. No answer. She tried again, crying in earnest now. She needed Cole. She needed her brother to be there… Because he was always there, and she couldn’t do this on her own…
“Hello?”
“Cole…” Jess was sobbing so hard she couldn’t get the words out. Thomas took the phone from her and Jess sank to the ground, tears blurring her vision, her heart breaking.
“He said to tell you to hold tight.” Thomas said when he finished explaining to Cole everything that had happened. And bearing the brunt of her brother’s anger for letting her do something so foolhardy. He picked Jess up and started walking through the car park to his car. “I’m taking you to him. We’re going to Buffalo.”
Chapter Sixteen
The first time Jess had gone to the cemetery, she hadn’t made it through the gate. They said there were seven stages of grieving, but it felt to Jess like there were seven hundred. Her insides were raw, her heart cut and bleeding.
Over the last week, she’d stopped skulking at the oak tree three rows back, had moved past the end of the grave. She could touch the gritty stone of mother’s headstone, sit beside it, breathe in the scent of daphne, fresh-cut flowers, and sun-warmed earth.
She and her mom had always been friends. Jess had forgotten that for a while, had let the hard shield of her anger leach away the warm, comforting feeling of being with her mom. It had been five long years in the making, but Jess was finally facing her mother’s death.
It hurt. She would have preferred to have stayed in the state of icy numbness that had gripped her in the six-hour drive to Buffalo after the disaster at the assault course. Then she wouldn’t be haunted by the look on Van’s face when he’d seen her at the top of the wall, the hollow, aching feeling when she’d read his file on her.
Jess wouldn’t have had to face herself either.
Thomas had driven her straight to Cole. She didn’t have clothes or her phone or anything. She hadn’t cared either. Thomas had called the hospital at the halfway point and checked on Jayne and Tash. They were going to be fine.
It didn’t make her feel any better.
It was when Jess reached Buffalo that the numbness started to recede and she’d fallen apart for real.
To acknowledge that Van had been right about everything. Jess had always imagined herself as some kind of hotshot who could do anything she wanted, but she’d been hiding behind her injury. Hiding behind her brother. She’d pretended she was just like her mom—not afraid to try anything, the bigger and badder, the better—but the truth was, she wasn’t like that at all.
And her mom hadn’t been either. Jess had built her up to be some kind of superhero, because she wanted to have something to blame. There were no other cars involved, her mom hadn’t been drinking or speeding…she’d slipped on a patch of black ice that had sen
t them into a tailspin ending with the car wrecked against a power pole. A stupid, mindless, meaningless accident. So, Jess had turned the blame on herself, telling herself she had to live up to her mom’s expectations…
Waking up after the accident, it had been easier to turn the physical ache of hurting over her mom’s death into anger. Anger that had pushed Jess to get better because she felt like she had something to prove. Cole had understood her rage. And he’d drawn it to himself, thinking he was helping her. Jess swallowed past the thickness in her throat, emotional exhaustion clinging to her. God, the five types of ass she’d been to her brother. It was a wonder he could stand the sight of her.
Yet every day she walked back after visiting her mom’s grave he asked if she was okay. He cared about her.
“I’m sorry.” Today was the day she came clean. Made amends. Took responsibility for herself.
“For what?” Cole looked up in surprise.
“Everything.”
Cole laughed at her. “You haven’t done anything.”
“Yes. I have.” Jess stood firm. For this to work, they both had to acknowledge her behavior wasn’t right. “I’ve used you as a scapegoat, deliberately attempting stupid things knowing you would stop me, setting you up as the enemy when really you’re the only thing I’ve got.” Jess blinked back tears, once more forced to acknowledge her mom’s death.
Cole face fell. “Honey. You’re family. This is what I do.”
Jess knew if he could have scooped up her pain and carried it himself, he would have. She’d always known that.
And that was why it had to stop. Cole couldn’t keep shouldering her burdens for her.
“But you shouldn’t have to and I need you to let me say I’m sorry, otherwise I can’t move on. You’ve spent the last five years looking after me and I really, really appreciate it, but now it’s time for me to be your sister.” She laid her hand on his shoulder. “I want to be there for you. To make my own mistakes. But,” Jess added when Cole started to make a face, “I’ll make sure they’re ones you’ll be proud of from now on.”
“What’s not to be proud of?” Cole leaped up and pulled her into a hug. “You’ve fought harder and longer than anyone I know. You never run from anything. You tackle things head first…”
Jess had to leave before Cole made her start blubbering again.
She didn’t agree with him. Hadn’t she just run away from Van?
He’d said they had something special and Jess had thought so too. But at the first whiff of trouble she’d reverted to the rebellious little girl, throwing her toys out of the cot. In reality, his demands hadn’t been unreasonable. Where Jess had been trying to assert her authority and stamp her foot like a spoiled brat, all Van had done was try to look out for her. To encourage her to make her own decisions.
Then there was the file. He’d called her courageous. And inspirational. Had written in black and white that she was to be an integral part of his team. Team. Not client.
It had taken a while for the difference to sink in, after Jess’s immediate knee-jerk reaction when reading the cover page. Since then, the heat of the moment had faded and that one word had come back to haunt her. Day and night.
Sitting at her mother’s graveside one last time, Jess forced herself to let go of the past, push past her bias, and consider the situation again. From her side. And Van’s.
What if Van was speaking the truth? What if there was a reason—a good reason—for him to have the file on her? That he wasn’t using her, but instead, wanted her help?
What if this hollow, achy feeling that gnawed at her chest whenever she thought of Van never went away? Her deep well of anger had gone and was now filled with regrets.
Instead of demanding answers, Jess had let her suspicious nature and petty dislike for the medical profession to destroy any chance of a relationship with Van becoming something more permanent.
And she wanted something permanent. She didn’t want to go on living the lie, pretending she didn’t need him. Love him.
Van hadn’t been in touch. He could have tracked her down if he’d really wanted to. Why would he? Jess scowled at her rippled reflection in the window. He wouldn’t want anyone like her involved with launching his new program. She knew how important it was to him.
The lack of contact was a very clear message. Jess had blown it.
She didn’t blame him for writing her off as too much trouble. Van had told her he had no time for people who took no responsibility for themselves…who were a burden…
She should leave him alone. He was better off without her. But…Cole was right. It wasn’t in Jess’s nature to run. Now the scalding pain of grief was diminishing, her feelings for Van were back, stronger than ever. Was she about to let him give up on her?
There had to be another way. There was always another way.
Jess loved him. Her heart lifted when he slipped into her thoughts. Van made her feel better about herself, not because Jess relied on him, but because he believed in her. He’d thought Jess was capable of anything.
That was who Jess wanted to be. Who she was. Strong. Resilient. Courageous. Instead of selfish, childish, and self-destructive. Two sides of the same coin. They’d been a defense she used to hide from pain she’d never dealt with. Jess didn’t need to be that person anymore.
It all came down to what Jess wanted. Thomas had asked her that once and she hadn’t been able to answer. But she knew now that she wanted to be someone to look up to. She wanted to help people. People like her.
Which meant she had to help herself.
Cole had reminded Jess that she never ran away from anything. And she was damned if Van was going to be the first. In the past she would have walked right up to him, smacked him in the chest, and told him she loved him. Deal with it.
This new, thoughtful Jess was at a loss.
In the end it was thinking about her mom that provided the answer she was looking for. She might not go out in a blaze of glory, but Jess wasn’t going to live with regrets either.
She would find the other way.
* * * * *
Van was packing the last of the boxes when he got the first text.
Shoes.
His heart leaped into his throat. It was from Jess. He hadn’t realized he’d landed on his ass until his mom put her hand on his shoulder.
“Are you okay?”
Van looked at his phone again. The message told him nothing. Could have been a wrong number. Disappointment swept away his initial excitement.
“I’m not sure.”
Van had called everyone he could think of to track Jess down after she’d left him at the assault course. She hadn’t been at the apartment. Jayne and Tash couldn’t reach her. Thomas Langford was the only one who’d given him any indication he knew where she was.
He’d told Van to leave her alone. And he’d meant it. The snarl in Thomas’s voice was nothing like the suave politician Van had met at St. Mathews a few weeks back. It reinforced to Van how much he’d hurt Jess.
He had hoped she might trust him enough to get in touch. Or at least be angry enough to rant and rave and yell at him. Her continued silence was the worst punishment she could have meted out. And Van had done everything to deserve it. He’d blown it by not being honest with her. By not trusting her. He hadn’t given Jess a chance.
So, Van had backed off. He’d run home with his tail between his legs, just like he’d run from all the other problems in his life. He’d been treading water all this time and he hadn’t even seen it.
“Is this the girl you were telling me about?” His mom perched on top of the box Van had finished packing.
“Yeah.”
Guilt of a different kind gnawed another hole in Van’s chest. He gave his mom a half-assed smile. Here was another important woman in his life who’d proven he was an arrogant prat. Van had
come home expecting to see a frail old lady who needed to move into care because she was no longer able to take care of herself.
Not the case. His mom was moving into a retirement complex, yes, but only because that was where her friends were. With Van being absent so long, she’d come to recognize she needed people in her life. Van had hardly seen her since he’d been back. She was too busy. She’d moved on.
It was time for Van to move on too. They’d spent yesterday going through Ryan’s room and packing it up. Van had been dreading this moment for the last five years, but once again his mom had surprised him. It hadn’t turned been the sad experience he’d expected. There had been tears, yes, but there were also childhood memories to recall, memories of the love and life they’d shared as a family.
“You’d think you were past the age of having to tell me about your girl troubles.” His mom chuckled.
Van looked up, surprised. He huffed out a breath. “I hurt Jess. She deserves better than that.”
“It’s because you love her.”
Van’s head jacked up again at his mom’s perceptiveness. This was the woman he remembered from his childhood, diving straight to the heart of the matter. Taking none of his bullshit.
He dragged his hand through his hair. “I don’t know how to make it right. I don’t want to hurt her again.”
She shrugged. “You’re scared. That’s natural. But you’re not responsible for how she feels. You don’t have the right to carry that too.”
Van grimaced. “But I had the right to make sure she knew everything. And that’s where I let her down.”
He glanced at his phone, hoping something had magically appeared to fix everything. The screen remained clear of new messages. Her text must have been a mistake. He tucked his phone back into his pocket, disappointment gnawing at his gut, and got back to packing.
“You’ll know what to do when the time comes.” His mom gave her last piece of advice. “You always do.”
At any other time, Van would have agreed. But he had no control over this situation. To get Jess back—if that were even possible—he would have to lay his heart open at her feet and trust in her not to stomp her orthotic-clad heels all over it. Trust that she would give him a chance.
Not for a Moment: One Moment, Book 3 Page 18
