by Toni Aleo
“Whoa, what?” I ask, breathing heavily as his eyes lock with mine.
“I don’t have a condom,” he says, fighting for his breath. “I didn’t think this would happen. I didn’t plan on this.”
“I didn’t either,” I admit, sucking in deep breaths. Soon he is blurry, and I don’t know why, but I say, “But I’m tired of living but not living.”
And then a tear rolls down my fucking face.
Wiping it away, I look to the side. But just as quickly as I look away, he is bringing my gaze back to him. His eyes are wide, his chest rising and falling rapidly, but I can’t read the look on his face. I don’t know what he is thinking. I want to ask, but then he is falling on top of me. He pushes my leg up, pressing his glorious hard self between my legs as I gasp against his lips. I’m dripping with need, but something inside me still isn’t one hundred percent committed to this.
I know this is a bad idea.
I don’t know what will happen after this.
But when his mouth drops to mine, his lips moving with mine, he takes every single doubt from my soul. Maybe I have to stop controlling everything. I can’t control what I am feeling right now. This all-consuming need for him. I can’t calculate every single damn thing in my life. I have to go with it. If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t.
At least I fucking lived.
I’m flying.
I swear I am.
Her lips are the sweetest thing I’ve ever tasted. Her body is soft in all the right places but hard where it matters. I can feel the heat through her jean shorts, her heart hammering against her ribs, vibrating not only herself but me too. I’m dazed with lust for her, and I can’t get enough. I’m shaking, unable to breathe or process this, but it’s happening. She’s gonna be mine.
When she asked me to kiss her, I couldn’t even move. I had to replay her words, make sure she said them, before they even processed. I thought I was going to have to just kiss her, but she asked for it. After fighting her desire for me all damn day and night, finally, she’s underneath me.
And I’m not prepared.
Kissing down her throat, I dip my tongue between her breasts sucking in a deep breath, intoxicating myself with her scent before kissing her in the middle of the chest and pushing myself up with my hands. Looking down into her flushed, gorgeous face, I can’t help but be overcome by her beauty. Her hair is escaping the braid, her eyes are hooded, her lipstick smeared down her mouth and jaw. She is exactly how I wanted her.
But something is holding me back.
Reaching up, she threads her fingers in my hair, bringing me down to kiss her once more. I can taste the Jack in her mouth, smell the bonfire that we spent most of our time around, so sweet and musky on her clothes. As I kiss down her throat to her shoulder then bicep, I can taste the beer that must have splattered on her when I scored during beer pong. As I explore her body, it’s as if I’m reliving our whole day together. Just by the taste and scent of her.
It’s something I’ve never experienced.
When I pull back, she cups my face, her eyes burning into mine, and I know this isn’t the girl that I’ve spent the day with. This one is calm and languid, wanting me, and maybe that’s why it doesn’t feel right. I don’t know, something is off. She’s drunk, I’m drunk, and maybe that’s why I’m having a hard time here. But then again, this is what I wanted.
When she runs her fingers down my face, I close my eyes, leaning my face into her touch as she whispers, “I know Delanie has condoms.”
My heart stops as I suck in a breath.
Oh, shit.
A part of me is like, go get the condoms. Her eyes are begging me to do that, but something is telling me no. I really don’t know what it is. I’m not usually like this. I’m not saying I get around, but I don’t wait to be in a relationship with a girl before I fuck them. If I can get some, I’m getting some. I’m a dude, but this, this is fucking different.
And it’s freaking me the hell out.
It’s honestly making me crazy, and I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s because I can still see the tears leaking out down her face as she admitted that she wanted to live. I don’t understand that statement. To me, she’s living a pretty badass life, but maybe there is more. Maybe she is damaged, and if that’s the case, I can’t add to that. While I don’t mind being the guy to give her an escape—I’d truly enjoy it—I also want to be more than that. I also know she is worth more than that.
Fucking hell, I feel like such a fucking chick.
“Jayden?” she whispers against my lips.
Swallowing hard, I suck in a breath, her breath, and everything inside me is torn. Do I do what I want, and is that even what I really want? Do I want to be the vessel to get her off and then let her go? And does she really want that?
Or is it all the alcohol talking? I mean, she’s fought me all day, and now, she wants me?
Opening my eyes, I meet her hooded gaze as she says, “Go get a condom. I want you.”
I just don’t know, but I do know something. Something I have to tell her right now. Cupping her face, I run my thumb along her bottom lip. “You are gorgeous, Baylor. Don’t ever forget that.”
She smiles, and for once she doesn’t deflect my compliment. Instead, she says, “I won’t.”
“Promise me,” I say with all the conviction in the world.
Slowly nodding, she says, “I promise I won’t.”
I have her in my grasp, in my space, and I don’t want to let go. As her fingers tangle in my hair, her eyes pleading mine for a release, I know I can’t do this. Dropping my mouth to hers, I kiss her and I am completely captured by her. She has the mouth of an angel, taking every single breath from me and causing my heart to beat out of my chest. I’m unsure how I am going to walk away from this sexy, beautiful girl, but I don’t want to be her tool to get off from. I don’t want her to remember me and regret me.
I couldn’t bear it.
Kissing her once more, I get off her and stand as I suck in a deep breath. She smiles up at me before biting into her lip. She looks so sexy, all flushed and ready for me. Am I sure about this?
“Hurry,” she says softly, and I can’t believe it. But I step away, heading for the door. As I open the door, I look back at her. She’s watching me, and I want to tell her that I’m sorry, but I can’t do this. But I also don’t think I can tell her no either. If she tries to talk me into it, I’ll cave, and I can’t do that.
She deserves better.
She deserves to be sober, to have someone treasure her body and enjoy it. I know I can do that, and maybe it’s selfish of me, but I want her to remember it. I want her to enjoy it. To never forget me. The way we both are, I don’t think that will happen, and that alone has me opening the door to leave.
Locking it behind me, I head out and go to look for Delanie. The only problem is I can’t find her. She’s probably in the room with Jace and I almost go in there, but luckily I see Mandie at the counter on her phone. As I walk up to her, she glances up at me but then drops her gaze back to her phone almost immediately. Almost like she didn’t recognize me, but then she looks back up, her brows pulled together.
“What’s wrong?” she asks me as I stop in front of her.
“Um, well, Baylor is drunk. And yeah, can you take her home?”
She stands up, tucking her phone in her pocket. “Yeah, of course. Is she throwing up?” she asks just as Jude comes up.
“Everything okay?” he asks and I nod. “You sure? You look like you’re gonna puke.”
“Yeah, I’m just drunk,” I say, sucking in a breath, and I am. The room is spinning, and even so, I know I can’t do this. I feel like I should get a medal for that. Some guys would take advantage of the situation, but I won’t do that. I could just go to sleep, tell her to cuddle with me, but I don’t trust myself. As pathetic as that sounds, as soon as her ass touches my dick, I’m done for. “And Baylor, she’s drunk. She needs to go home,” I say, looking down at the ground.
>
Jude’s face scrunches up. “You sure?”
I nod. “Yeah.”
“Okay,” Mandie says slowly, obviously confused, before walking past me. I follow behind her with Jude behind me. When we reach my door, I unlock it to find Baylor is lying there naked in my bed. Blocking Jude’s view, I gasp because the horror on her face when she realizes that Mandie is with me feels like she’s kicked me in the chest.
“Mandie? What the fuck?!” she yells as she covers her naughty parts.
The same naughty parts I wanted. Mandie then slams the door and I close my eyes, completely hating the good guy in me at the moment. Sucking in a breath, I lean against the wall, smacking my head against it.
I just royally fucked up.
“What’s going on?” Jude asks me and I shrug.
“I couldn’t do it.”
“Why?” he asks, dumbfounded by my response. “You two have been foreplaying all day.”
I nod, running my hands through my hair. “We’re drunk, and it doesn’t feel right.”
He leans against the wall beside me and nods slowly. “Well, if it didn’t feel right, then I’m glad you didn’t do it.”
“I should have told her that. Instead, I just left,” I say softly, and I’m sure Jude can’t hear me. The music is pounding in the house and people are so loud. I have no clue how I’m going to sleep. Not only from the noise but also because my bed probably smells exactly like her.
“You didn’t tell her?”
“No, I just went to get Mandie. I don’t trust myself to tell her no,” I say with a shake of my head. “I couldn’t say no if I went back in there and she was naked, waiting for me.”
“Yeah, that would be hard,” he agrees, cupping my shoulder. “I think you did right, but she may not think that way.”
“Yeah, that’s what I’m worried about,” I admit just as the door opens. Mandie comes out first, and the look she gives me lets me know that my worries are sound. When Baylor comes out, her face is red and she’s holding her bikini in her hand. It’s obvious she threw her clothes on, even her hoodie is on backward, her hair’s a mess, and she looks beyond mad.
Looking over at me, she glares. “You couldn’t tell me you didn’t want to fuck me? Had to go get my friend to kick me out of your room?”
I come off the wall, expelling the breath I was holding. Lifting my hands in a calm-down manner because she looks like she is about to come unglued, I say, “It isn’t that I don’t want to fuck you, Baylor, it’s not right, you’re drunk.”
Her eyes narrow even more as her face burns with resentment. “I think I know if I’m unable to have sex! I wouldn’t have put myself in that position if I didn’t want it!”
“I understand that, but it didn’t feel right.”
“Didn’t feel right? Could have fooled me!”
“No, I mean,” I say, but then I pause, letting out a breath. I don’t want to spill my guts in front of my brother or her friend. Jude may think he knows me and gets me, but not the way I feel Baylor got me. “It just isn’t right. Didn’t feel right. We’re drunk.”
Her hands turn to fists as she takes a step toward me, glaring, “So you’re too big of a fucking coward to tell me yourself. You have to send my friend in.”
Biting into my lip to keep it from moving, I know I can’t tell her the truth. She wouldn’t believe me anyway. She’s too mad. She’s completely ignoring the fact that I think she is more than a one-night stand. It would only make her madder, I can see that.
“I didn’t think you’d leave.”
She takes a step back, almost like I hit her, her eyes blazing into mine. “Why, because I’m so drunk? I thought maybe this was different, I thought you were different, but no, you’re just like every other fucking guy, using me for a good time. But the plot twist is that, unlike any other guy who would fuck me and throw me to the side like you were supposed to do, when it was time to perform and get it done, you bitch out on me.”
“I’m not like other guys,” I try to say, but she is shaking her head and her body. She is so drunk, she’s wobbling, and I can’t believe I let it get as far as I did. I should have walked her home; I should have never kissed her, even if I would have regretted it the rest of my life.
“No, you are, just… What, couldn’t get it up?” She’s slurring her words, and I know she doesn’t mean them.
Looking away, I shake my head. I won’t allow that to get under my skin. I could get it up, she could feel it, but it wasn’t right. She wouldn’t remember any of it, and I want more than that.
“Don’t be a bitch, Baylor. I’m trying to be a good guy here.”
“Good guy? A good guy would have done this in private. Instead, you brought my friend into it, embarrassed me, and now you can’t even look me in the eye as you reject me!” she yells, and when I lift my head, I see that more people are watching us.
Covering my face, I can’t believe this. I didn’t want her to feel like that, and when I look up into her hazel eyes, they are swimming with tears.
Fuck me.
“I’m not rejecting you, Baylor. I just want to wait till we are both sober and this is what you want.”
Someone yells out “pussy,” and she starts to laugh as she glares at me.
I shake my head, looking away, anger bubbling inside me as Jude yells, “Fuck off, asshole. Get out of here.”
Baylor throws her hands up though, pointing at me. “No, that guy’s right. You are a fucking pussy, but whatever, I didn’t want you anyway. You were just there, convenient and easy.” A few people laugh at that and oooh all together like a bunch of high schoolers. “You couldn’t satisfy me anyway,” she throws at me, and I know she doesn’t mean it.
She’s holding in the tears, she’s visibly hurt, and I do everything to ignore her words. I hurt her, I get that. In her eyes, I rejected her, and maybe I did, but I did it because I care. She obviously doesn’t want to hear that or doesn’t care, for that matter. I know that if I don’t get her out of here, she’s gonna embarrass herself more than she already has. It’s all my fault, and I know that I’ve ruined everything between us, but I never meant to hurt her. I really didn’t, but now I know that I’m about to make her hate me.
Looking up, I meet her heated gaze and I laugh, like the dick she thinks I am. Shaking my head, I say, “Don’t lie to kick it, baby girl. You were basically dry humping me in there, and I had to escape.”
Her jaw drops as she glares, her shoulders going back in a taut, angry way. “I was doing no such thing. You’ve been begging to fuck me all day.”
“No, I don’t beg for pussy—it’s given to me willingly. You are the one who was begging me,” I say back, and I see Mandie turning red with her own anger.
“Baylor, let’s go,” she says, pulling on Baylor’s arm, but she rips it away, taking a step toward me. “He’s not worth it!”
Pointing her finger in my face, she seethes, “You’re a fucking asshole, poor excuse for a man, shitty second-string hockey player who won’t go anywhere in life because you’re too strung-up on your fucked-up daddy issues.”
Wow. This escalated very quickly.
“Whoa, what the hell? He is helping you out, so you don’t re—” Before Jude can finish, I stop him, placing my hand on his chest and shaking my head.
“Baylor, that’s enough. Come on,” Mandie says, trying to get a grip on her hand, but she won’t let her.
She’s hurting so badly, and nothing I say or anyone says will make this better. I hate to do this to her, but I know it’s the only way she’ll leave. I don’t want her to hurt any more than she already does, but what else am I supposed to do? But also I can’t stand here and take this. Yeah, I brought this on myself. I could have handled it a different way, but I was trying to do right by her. I didn’t know it would end like this.
So taking a step toward her, I put the last nail in my coffin.
“Yeah, maybe so, but at least my mom wanted me,” I say, and I regret the words as soon as t
hey leave my mouth. “We’re done here. Get the fuck out of my house.”
Shock fills her face, but just as quickly as it came, it’s replaced with rage. When she pulls back, her fist coming toward my face, I could have stopped her. I mean, she was moving in slow motion. But in a way, I deserve her fist connecting with my mouth. The room falls silent as my head whips back and pain explodes in my mouth, my head. I feel like I’m gonna puke from the lead taste of blood in my mouth, and I fully expect to open my eyes to her retreating back. But when I open my eyes, she is glaring up at me, tears flooding her beautiful eyes. I drink her in because I’m pretty sure this is the last time I’ll ever see her face.
“Fuck you,” she seethes, and I nod as she turns on her heel, pushing through the group that has gathered around us.
I want to be mad, I want to hate her, but I can’t. She is the one person who has gotten under my skin, challenged me, and I know I’ll walk away from this a better person.
Just from knowing her. But I’m pretty sure she’ll probably hate me for the rest of her life
But in some sick, comforting way, at least I know she’ll never forget me.
Ever.
Dragging a puck from the pile that’s in front of me, I suck in a breath. Lining up, I let it out the breath before I shake out my wrist. Glancing at the pipe before looking back down, I then roll the puck along my blade before transferring my weight back and shooting, pinging the puck off the side of the pipe.
I’m working on my wrist shot.
No reason, of course.
Just felt like it while I wait for Baylor to show up. I might be a tad bit delusional thinking she’ll show up. Some may even say I’m insane to assume she’d come after saying what I did to her, but I’m hopeful. I’m praying that somewhere during the night, she realized that I said it because I had to. That she wasn’t going to leave until I did. I had no choice. I was trying to protect her in a way. I don’t know. Needless to say, I fucked it all up, and I’m out here trying not to think about it. But failing.
Miserably.
I just can’t get that look out of my head. The way her eyes went wide, the tears welling up in them before she whipped back and cocked me one. I deserved it, I won’t deny that, but I’ll never forget that look. Hell, I’ll never forget her. That’s just absurd to think I would. To assume such a stupid thing. Someone like that, you don’t forget. You just can’t.
