by Toni Aleo
My heart swells in my chest as his words replay in my head over and over again. I’ve dreamed about someone saying those words to me and knowing they were true. My dreams could never live up to this moment. The way his heart feels against mine, his lips warm against my forehead as the words leave his mouth. But it isn’t just the sensations, it’s the way it makes me feel.
I feel complete.
Looking up at him, I nod. “I’m working on it.”
And I am.
But I need to work harder on it.
Before I lose him.
Jayden: Wish you were here.
Smiling, I lean back against the ottoman in my dad’s living room and type back.
Me: Me too.
Jayden: Come here.
Jayden: My brother came in, surprised his fiancée and us too. It will be fun.
Chewing on my lip, I look across the living room where Dad and Markus are shooting socks at the empty Christmas boxes.
Me: I don’t want to leave my dad.
Jayden: Bring him too.
Me: ’Cause that would go well. Dad, let’s go to Sinclair’s for Christmas.
Jayden: Yeah, make sure to throw in that my mom is making pie and he’ll be down.
Rolling my eyes, I lean my head back and run that through my head. I really do want to go to Jayden’s. I haven’t seen him in a week since he and Jace went home for Christmas break. I was worried that I’d be completely alone, and I considered talking my dad into going to Arkansas for the week so I could see Delanie and he could see some of his friends. But then Markus’s mom and dad went on a cruise, leaving him behind. He doesn’t seem bummed by it, but I would be. That’s kind of shitty to me, but he said he doesn’t have that great of a relationship with them. Since that seemed to have some kind of backstory and he didn’t want to talk about it, I didn’t push. I just told him to come stay with us. It’s been great too. Dad and he get along like peas and carrots, talking game and watching hockey together while I just tag along. It’s been nice, but I do miss Jayden. A lot.
Ever since that night the weekend of Thanksgiving, our relationship has changed. It seems more intense now to me because, when he looks at me, I know he loves me. I also know he wants to scream it in my face and ask me if I’ve fallen too. He hasn’t said it since, though, but I know it. I can see it all over his face, and sometimes I worry that people know too. But then a part of me doesn’t really care anymore.
Because I’ve fallen too.
I know, great, right? But two problems. One, I’m not sure how to tell him that without being weird. Like how does one do that? Hey, by the way, I fell for you. Or hey, you’re great, I love you, guy. Or do I just yell it at him? I have no clue, and it freaks me out every time I think about it or even when I go to say it. I’ve never told anyone but my dad I’ve loved them, and even with him, he tells me first. So, yeah, I’m a little stuck here.
Then there is the issue of said father. He’s been drilling me like crazy with hockey, and he keeps telling me I seem distracted, and he might be right. I mean, I’m in real love with a real dude who loves me, but I don’t think my game is suffering. Still though, I listen to him and I’ve been working my ass off, but I really don’t think I need to throw that at him right now. My interviews are supposed to start the first of the year, and Jayden’s are going great. Dad has been throwing a good word in every chance he gets, and I can’t mess that up. He’ll probably have an aneurysm and try to force me to break it off with him.
But I won’t.
I’m doing this. For…like, ever. I hope.
So, I just need to wait for the perfect moment to tell Dad.
And to tell Jayden I love him.
Jeez, the men I love are freaking headaches.
Looking down at my phone, I press my lips together and type him back.
Me: Rain check.
Jayden: On Christmas? That’s shitty.
Me: I got you next Christmas.
Jayden: That’s a good long while from now. A year to be exact.
Grinning, I type back quickly.
Me: Yup, already got you penciled in.
Jayden: You should just write my name all over the calendar.
Me: Like a little schoolgirl?
Jayden: Yeah. J&B 4eva.
Me: Jayden’s girl.
Jayden: Baylor Sinclair <3 <3 <3
Jayden: Whoa…too far?
Laughing, I shake my head even though he can’t see me.
Me: Eh. I’m rolling with it.
Jayden: Whatever, ur probably pissing your pants.
Me: Kinda.
Jayden: lol. Fine. They are telling me to get off the phone so we can do gifts. Which, by the way, yours is waiting for you.
Me: I have yours too.
Jayden: Maybe I’ll sneak out tonight?
Me: Please do. I miss you.
Jayden: I miss you too.
My cheeks warm as I look around to make sure no one is looking. They aren’t, thankfully; I doubt they even know I’m here. They’ve actually started to clean and I should help.
Me: Okay. Enjoy, Merry Christmas.
As I stand, he texts back.
Jayden: Merry Christmas, Bay.
With a small grin on my face, I tuck my phone into my pocket and begin cleaning. When everything is out of the living room, we all settle on the couch and Markus lays his head against my feet as A Christmas Story starts.
“Hey. Question,” my dad says, and I look over at him, pausing the movie.
“What?” I ask as Markus looks over at him too. “Do you need another beer?”
“No, Bay,” he says, a small grin pulling at his lips. But then he presses his lips together, giving me a stern look and then one to Markus. “Are y’all together?”
“What?” I shriek as Markus bubbles with laughter.
Surely, I heard him wrong, but he’s just looking at us, and I can tell he really believes this.
“Us?” Markus chortles as he turns to his back, laughing, but I’m still in shock.
“Markus and me? No, Dad, no way,” I say sharply, but then I pause, touching his shoulder. “Not that you aren’t a great guy.”
“No, I know,” he agrees with a nod, his laughter subsiding. “We are friends, Coach. Strictly friends. She’s honestly like a little sister to me.”
“So, you’re not like friends with benefits? Or whatever you call it?” he asks, and I can tell he’s very uncomfortable. I know it is for me. Markus, though, he is dying laughing.
“Oh my God, please strike me dead,” I mutter, looking at the ceiling as Markus falls off the couch laughing.
“No way, Coach, we are friends. Just friends,” Markus reiterates.
“Yeah, Dad, promise,” I say with as my conviction as I can muster as I meet his gaze.
“Okay, I was just wondering why he’d be here if y’all weren’t.”
“Because I didn’t want him to be alone. He’s my friend, Dad.”
“Sure, sure, it’s been great having you too, son,” he says with a nod. “You have to understand why I asked though. I mean, with everything going on, we don’t need any distractions, and a boy would be a big one,” he reminds me, and I nod.
“I know, Dad,” I say as Markus’s gaze falls on me, but I ignore him.
Biting into my lip, I hit play and the movie starts back up, but I can’t pay attention. I saw it in his eyes; he was really worried and didn’t seem to like the idea of me being with anyone. My main thing is I don’t want to disappoint my dad, so I know I can’t tell him until after the season ends. Since there is no way in hell I’m breaking up with Jayden. I am also not choosing between him and my dad, so we’ll keep the secret going. Especially since he doesn’t suspect anything.
When my phone dings, I look to see it’s Markus. I look over at him, and he looks at back me and then cocks his head toward my phone. Rolling my eyes because he’s an idiot, I read the text.
Markus: He’s gonna flip if he finds out about you and Jayden.
> Me: Thank you, Captain Obvious.
Markus: No really, I thought he was gonna cut my balls off.
Me: Probably cuz you were laughing like a hyena.
Me: Don’t worry. I have it under control.
Markus: All right.
Markus: Also, I don’t laugh like a hyena.
When he looks at me, I give him a look that says otherwise and he just rolls his eyes. Turning our attention back to the movie, I cuddle into the couch and remind myself that I got this.
It’s all under control.
After three more Christmas movies and even more eggnog, I decide to take a nap when Markus sits up and looks over at me.
“Hey, Jace invited me over for dinner. You guys aren’t cooking, right?”
Scoffing, I shake my head and swallow my jealousy. “No, I don’t cook and neither does Sir Drink-A-Lot over there.”
“Hey! It’s the holidays,” Dad protests, and I nod my head.
“Sure, Dad, perfect reason,” I tease, and he glares over at me before looking to Markus. “Go if ya want, buddy, we’re gonna be lying around.”
“Do you guys want to go? He invited all of us.”
I look over at Dad, hoping to sweet baby Jesus he says yes, but he shakes his head. “I’m gonna drink another beer and then crash.”
Letting my shoulders fall, I look back at the TV because that’s probably what I’m gonna do, minus the beer.
“Oh, okay. Baylor?” Markus asks me then.
I look up to decline because I’m not leaving my dad, but before I can answer, Dad says, “Yeah, Bay, go. Have fun if ya like.”
Looking back at him, I say, “Are you sure?”
He waves me off. “Sure, I’m gonna be out soon. A home-cooked meal will be good for you.”
“Sure,” I say with a shrug. “But I don’t want to leave you.”
“Eh, I’ll be good. Go,” he says, waving me off, and I stare at him for a long moment, waiting for him to change his mind, but he doesn’t.
“Okay, I’m gonna go,” I say slowly and he nods.
“Good,” is his decision as I watch for any signs that he isn’t okay with it.
When I see none, I get up and throw the blanket on the back of the couch
“Give me a few. I gotta get ready.”
“Get ready? Just throw a jacket on. I doubt they’ll care,” Dad says as I pass by, but I shake my head.
“Their mom is there, Dad. I gotta look nice.”
But I’m sure Markus knows the real reason.
I have to look good for Jayden.
As I rush to my room, I type Markus quickly.
Me: Tell Jace not to tell Jayden I’m coming. I want to surprise him!
Markus: 10-4, good buddy.
Markus: BTW how very girlie of you.
Me: Suck it.
Leaning back against the sofa, I watch as Angie and Jace open all her boxes, getting all her toys out while Lucy and Mom each enjoy a glass of wine. It’s been a good day, and the love in the room is strong. Especially when you look over at my brother and his fiancée. Claire cuddles deep into Jude’s arms, kissing his neck as he holds her tightly, while I just sit here alone.
Missing Baylor.
I wish she had come. Even if she brought her dad, it would have been enough just to be near her. I hate this stupid secret-keeping. It’s downright dumb, and I just want to be able to see my girlfriend when I want to. I want to be like Jude, with my girl in my lap and everyone knowing that I’m going to touch her. It’s a given because she’s mine. While I’m glad my brother is home—I’ve missed him—I am green with envy that he gets to hold his girl, that he doesn’t have to hide her. He actually gets to show her off.
“So I went dress shopping, Mom,” Claire says, and my mom looks back at her with a grin on her face. The relationship she and my mom have is very close. Mom has loved Claire since the moment she met her, and I can’t help but imagine Baylor with her. Would they be like that? Would Baylor call her Mom?
Hmm. Probably not.
“Aw, yay! How did it go?”
“I didn’t like anything,” she laughs, and Lucy smiles.
“Dress shopping is hard,” she says. “Remember, Mom, how long it took me? All that time we wasted,” she adds, and Mom smacks her leg, setting her with a look that is meant to shut her up. Even I know that no bride wants to hear about a failed marriage.
Looking back at Claire, she asks, “So you’re still shopping, then?”
Claire shakes her head, and Mom’s brows go up. Mine do too, actually, as I ask, “Then, are you going naked down the aisle?”
“I’ll be there for sure, then,” Jace comments from where he is putting some castle together until Jude kicks him square in the back. Glaring back at him, he says, “What the sh-crap dude!”
“Don’t say sh-crap like that about my fiancée!”
We all tend to forget that we can’t cuss around here, especially when Angie is in the room.
“Whatever,” he mutters before going back to putting the castle together, and Claire laughs.
“No, I’m gonna wear Reese’s dress,” she says, speaking of her aunt, and that has my mom grinning from ear to ear.
“That’s gonna be spectacular! I can’t wait!”
“Me either!” she gushes. “Not too long till Valentine’s day!”
“Valentine’s day? Y’all are ooey-gooey sweet,” I tease, and Jude flips me off as Claire just grins happily.
“Shut up, it’s going to be awesome,” she says breathlessly. “Jayden, you’re gonna walk with my aunt.”
“Cool, she’s hot,” I say with a playful smirk, and she rolls her eyes.
“Do I get Skylar?” Jace asks, and mentally I remind myself to warn Baylor that she’ll be at the wedding, if she even comes. I need to ask her about that.
“No, she isn’t in the wedding. So you get my niece, Ally,” she answers, and Jace makes a face. Probably because Ally is only like ten, if that. “And that reminds me. I heard that Skylar almost got into it with some girl at one of your parties,” she says to me, and I shrug, acting as if I don’t know what she is talking about.
But there is no way I could ever forget that night. Not only was it hot almost seeing Baylor come unglued, ready to fight some girl because she was talking to me, but because it was the first and only time I told her I loved her. There have been so many other times I’ve wanted to say it, like after I make love to her, but I just hate not hearing it back. I feel like I’m failing when she doesn’t say it, so to keep from feeling like that, I just haven’t said it again. But really, I don’t have to say it, I know she knows I love her. I also know she loves me, but she’s so fucking stubborn and a pain in my ass, she won’t admit to it.
Brat.
“I have no clue what you’re talking about. She must have been drunk,” I say unrevealingly.
“No man,” Jace says then, popping up and looking back at us. “That’s the night Baylor almost threw down because you and Skylar were flirting.”
“You still messing with her?” Jude asks.
“You guys were flirting? I thought you guys broke it off?”
“Who’s Baylor?” Mom and Lucy ask at the same time.
Giving Jace the look of death because I’ve decided that I am, for sure, gonna kill him, I shake my head. “No, I’m not messing with Skylar anymore. That ship has sailed, and Baylor is, um, a friend.”
“No, they are dating but don’t want to tell anyone,” Jace says offhandedly as he falls back onto his stomach to go back to work. “It’s all a bunch of hoopla, if you ask me. They get in a room together, and you can tell they are like sticky icky in love.”
“What? Jayden Mitchell, is that true?” Mom asks me, stunned. “You haven’t spoken of her.”
“She’s still keeping it a secret?” Jude asks.
“And she wanted to fight Skylar? Really? Skylar is scary,” Claire adds, and I let out an annoyed breath.
“Guys, it’s not a big deal. Let it go,” I sa
y, shaking my head. “Mom, really, I told you about her a long time ago.”
“But I haven’t met her!”
“You will,” I promise.
“Yeah, Mom, don’t worry,” Jace says. “But she’s great. A little rough around the edges, kinda moody, and acts more like a dude than a chick, but she’s cool, and man, can she play some hockey.”
“Oh! Number fifty? Baylor Moore?” Mom squeals. “Is that her?”
“I really don’t like you,” I say to Jace, and he grins back at me, unfazed by my declaration of hatred as I nod. “Yeah, Mom, that’s her.”
“Oh, she’s adorable.”
“Is she? I want to meet her,” Claire pouts and Jude hugs her tighter.
“She’s cool, and she punched the sh-crap out of Jayden in Florida,” Jude teases. “That’s when I knew she was awesome.”
“She hit you?” Lucy giggles. “She sounds amazing.”
“Oh yeah, she’s a beast,” Jace adds with a nod just as the doorbell rings. He pops up. “That’s Markus.”
“Oh! Let me get the ham out,” Mom says, rushing to the kitchen, and when Jace passes by me, I trip him.
“Jerk!” he yells back at me, and I glare.
“I’m gonna murder you,” I promise, and he shrugs.
“Get in line. I’m sure Lucy and Jude want to help.”
Looking at my older siblings, I shake my head. “We didn’t kick his ass enough.”
“Nope, we were more concerned with each other,” Lucy agrees.
“Yeah, we should hold him down and kick his ass,” Jude decides, and we all agree, just as Claire’s eyes widen and her head falls to the side.
“What’s wrong with y—” I start, but I don’t finish because a pair of hands come over my eyes. “What the hell?” Not because I don’t know who it is, but because I do. Her scent gave her away.
“Oooh, you said a cuss word,” Angie reminds me, and I reach in my pocket pulling out a bill, praying it isn’t my hundred-dollar bill. I feel her snatch it, and then I reach back and take ahold of Baylor’s ass as she squeals, moving out of my grip and unmasking my eyes. When I look back at her, a grin pulls at my lips as I stand to go to her. She, of course, looks hot as hell in a pair of jeans with boots that go up to her knees. Wearing a tight red sweater that clings to her breasts, her red lips shine as she grins back at me.
