by Toni Aleo
“No, you need to go home and sleep or something because obviously you’re in shock or whatever.”
“I’m fine. What happened is no big deal. But what is a big deal is the fact that you just told my dad about us.”
His eyes widen as his lips part. “Are you fucking kidding me? I know you’re not mad at me for that!” he yells, and I take a step back from his outburst.
“Well, I’m sure as hell not happy! He wasn’t supposed to know about us.”
“Everyone knows, Baylor!”
“Not him, though. I was trying to protect you!”
“He knew! As soon as he asked, I could see it in his eyes. He knew I loved you, and he knows you love me. The only person who doesn’t know that is fucking you. So please, go somewhere else with that bullshit-ass stuff, okay? I just beat the fuck out of some dude because he touched you and had ill intent, and you lie? You should have screamed at him that you are with me. It was your chance!”
“I had to protect you!”
“Well, you didn’t, you just… You just broke my heart, okay? I don’t want to talk to you.”
“I did what?” I ask incredulously. “For protecting you, I broke your heart? How in the ever-loving fuck does that make sense?”
“Oh, it makes sense,” he yells. “To normal, sane people, but to you, no, I guess it doesn’t. So let me explain.”
“Don’t be a jackass,” I snap, my eyes burning into his, and his burn right back. We are both trembling with anger, but I don’t see what I did wrong here. “I was protecting you, and you basically just threw me under the bus by calling us out. Now my dad knows I lied.”
“Again, I don’t care. Wanna know why? Because you don’t care for me.”
“Whoa, yes, I do,” I yell back. “I do care, that’s why I was trying to keep it a secret. To protect you.”
“Really? Because you could have done that a whole different way. But instead, you told him I don’t matter, that it’s nothing, and that you have no feelings for me. How do you think that makes me feel?”
“I was lying, Jayden. He’s already mad about what happened in the shower with McCarthy, add in the fact that I’ve been lying to him for months and I’m with you… He’ll lose it,” I try to explain, but he’s shaking his head, his eyes flooding with tears.
“No, you wanted it to be true. You have been so emotionally unavailable since the moment I met you.”
“That’s not true. I’ve gotten so much better since I’ve been with you,” I try, but he looks away.
“I’ve sat here and convinced myself that you love me, that you care for me, and then this happens? How do you think that makes me feel?”
Taking a step toward him, I reach for him, but he pushes my hands away. The hurt, the betrayal, are in his eyes, and I never meant to do that. I only wanted to protect him and make sure he gets the future he wants and deserves. “I never meant to make you feel like that, Jayden. I know my dad; I was honestly just trying to deflect until the right moment.”
“You had a chance to be honest with him. To tell him what you really felt for me and what I mean to you, and you threw it away. Why lie? We were caught, I was standing with you; it would have been fine.”
“No, you don’t understand. He’d lose it.”
“No,” he says, tucking his hands into his pockets. “He wanted the truth, and instead of telling him, you tried to hide me again. I’m better than that. I love showing you off and telling people I’m in love with you, but you hide me. Again. And again. And fucking again. That’s not fair,” he says, and my heart, it just stops and sinks into my stomach. My chest aches as he shakes his head, swallowing hard before looking up at me. “I won’t be a doormat, Baylor, and you’ve made me one.”
“No, I wouldn’t do that,” I try to say, but he turns, walking away from me. Chasing after him, I say, “Wait, Jayden, stop. I’m sorry, okay, please.”
“That’s not what I want to hear right now,” he says in a low, ominous way that hits me straight in the chest.
“What do you want to hear then?” I ask, confused. “How do I make this right?”
Whipping around, his eyes bore into mine and he shakes his head. “If you don’t know, then forget it, Baylor.”
Confused, I don’t move as he looks away, pulling in a breath through his nose. He looks at me again, and when I just stare back at him, he slowly shakes his head before turning and heading for his car. “Jayden, wait.”
When he gets in his car, slamming the door shut, I watch as he starts it up, tears flooding my eyes and spilling over my cheeks. When he drives off and I watch the taillights of his car, it dawns on me what he wanted.
He wanted me to tell him I loved him.
Dropping my face in my hands, I sob, completely and utterly disgusted in myself. I had the chance. All I had to do was tell him that he was right, that I did love him. But I never did. I just stood there, trying to prove my point instead of being honest about how I felt. I’m such a fucking idiot, but I can make this right.
Getting out my phone, I call him, but he won’t answer. He keeps sending me to voice mail. Opening my text, I write it out very quickly.
Me: I’m so sorry, Jayden. Where are you? I need to say something to you.
Jayden: Nothing else to say, just leave me alone.
That makes the tears fall faster as I type back quickly.
Me: Please, where are you?
But he doesn’t answer me, so I text him again.
Me: Please I’m sorry.
Me: Meet me somewhere.
Me: We need to work this out.
Me: Please. I need you.
Me: I’m sorry.
I should just type it. Tell him I love him, but I don’t think that’s right. I need to do it in person. Tucking my phone in my pocket, I take off, running across the parking lot to the quad and then to the Bullies house. When I get there though, Jayden isn’t there. Neither is Jace. Running back up the stairs, I run into Markus, who grabs ahold of me.
“Are you okay? I just heard!”
“I’m fine, I promise. He didn’t hurt me,” I say quickly, huffing for breath. “Where is Jayden?”
“Your mouth is busted,” he throws back, but I shake my head.
“It’s fine. I promise, Markus. Please tell me where Jayden is.”
“I don’t know,” he says skeptically. “They have that wedding this weekend. I think they went home.”
Oh, shit, that’s right. They are staying in Nashville for the weekend since the wedding is there. Dropping my head, I know there is no way I’ll be able to catch him before the wedding. I have no clue where he is staying. He was gonna get me the hotel information once he got there because he wasn’t sure where they were staying.
“Why, what’s wrong? I thought he was there and took care of it?”
“He did,” I say as the tears start to fall down my cheeks. “But I’m pretty sure he just broke up with me.”
“What? Why? It wasn’t your fault that dick came after you!”
I shake my head though, wiping my face free of the tears. “No, because I didn’t tell him I love him.”
I then explain what happened, and Markus listens like I need him to. When everything is out of me, the words, the tears, Markus looks at me with his caramel eyes and shakes his head.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” I look at him, confused, and he says, “With the McCarthy shit?”
“Yes, I’m fine. Jesus! If he would have raped me, completely understand your worry, but he just beat me up a bit. I’m not a normal girl, remember?”
“True,” he agrees. “But yeah, you done fucked up.”
Laughing without the humor, I nod. “Thank you, Captain Obvious.”
“You got to fix it,” he reminds me. “Because he makes you a better person, and you do the same for him.”
“Again, Captain Obvious, I know all this.”
“Then why didn’t you just say it?”
Biting into my lip, I look away, not wanting
to admit that was I was too concerned with proving my point and not giving into what I really feel that I didn’t realize that all I had to do was tell him the truth. I love him. With everything inside me.
Looking over at Markus, I shrug. “Because I’m emotionally hindered and I’m too big of a control freak to allow myself to just tell the truth. I am too worried that my dad will be disappointed in me, that he won’t be proud. And I need to stop that. I can’t live for him; I have to live for me. I’m too obsessed with winning, with proving a point, when, really, what’s winning when you don’t have anyone to share it with?”
“It isn’t winning,” he supplies, and I nod.
“Right, and the person I want to share it with, the person who wants to protect me and love me, is Jayden. I fucked up, I’ve been fucking up, and now I need to fix it. Because I can’t lose him.”
Looking at me, he smiles before saying, “See, was that so hard?”
Scoffing, I nod. “You have no idea.”
“If that’s the way you felt, Baylor, then why didn’t you just tell me?”
Whipping around, I find my dad standing in the middle of the stairs. “Dad.”
“And I’m out,” Markus says, looking between us.
“Coward,” I call at him as he runs up the stairs and slams the door at the top.
Dad laughs before lowering himself on the step and looking at me. “Well, today has been eventful.”
“To say the least,” I add.
“Are you okay?”
“Oh my God, please stop asking me that!” I yell, leaning back against the wall. “It’s fine. I’ve forgotten it. McCarthy can’t bring me down.”
“I was talking about Sinclair,” he says softly. “I know you’re okay with the McCarthy thing. I know how you work.”
“Yeah,” I agree. “But no, I’m not okay with the Sinclair thing.”
“Why did you try to lie to me, Bay? You know you can’t lie, right? I see right through you,” he reminds me and I shrug.
“Because I thought you couldn’t handle it.”
“I can handle a lot. Try again.”
Shaking my head, my lips wobble. “I was worried you would try to make me break up with him, and I can’t. So then I would be stuck choosing between you and him, and I can’t do it. I love you both.”
“So you do love him?”
Closing my eyes, tears leak out the sides as I agree. “So much, Dad, so damn much.”
“So apparently, you haven’t told him? Why?” he asks, holding my gaze, and I look away.
“Because I’m scared. When I love someone, they leave me or hurt me.”
“I haven’t left you or hurt you, have I?”
Meeting his gaze, I shake my head. “No, Daddy, but Mom and Seth did.”
He slowly nods his head, his eyes holding mine. “Baby, you got to let that go or you will forever be held back. Don’t let those relationships define you or who you are. You used to be wound so tight, so worried about getting ahead, and I never saw you relax. You came back from Florida, and I saw a little crack in that. Then we came here and you completely changed. You still have your drive, your talent, but you aren’t so tied up inside, you’ve mellowed, and you seem to be enjoying life instead of just living it,” he says, pausing to look at me. “Sinclair, I assume?”
Nodding my head slowly, I look down at the ground as he goes on. “I knew he liked you, Baylor. I just ignored it, figured it was some crush. But when he carried you to the house, his shirt full of puke, I knew it was more than a crush.”
“Yeah, you, and everyone else. I’ve fought it tooth and nail because I’m so scared to give up control and love him. Finally, I do, and I can’t even admit it to him. I tried to wait for the perfect time, when really, I should have done what I do best and scream it at him.”
“Why, though?”
I shrug. “I have no clue. Maybe because I’m scared he’d reject me. But then he already told me he loved me, so yeah, I don’t know, Dad. I just couldn’t do it. He’s honest and he doesn’t hold back, and I’m the total opposite. I hold everything back, and I guess I’m not honest because I lied to you and myself about how I felt,” I say, feeling like a complete failure. “It’s just there are so many variables that could happen—he could go to one team and me another, and then what if he doesn’t want to wait to see me and leaves me. I think it always comes down to the fact that he could leave me and that scares me.”
“But he could also stay.”
“Yeah, you’re right, I just need to believe in him and me, and I do. I have for a while now. But when I say it out loud, it’s real and it means something. If I keep it in, then nothing can hurt me, but, I just… I don’t know. I fucked up because that’s not true. Him walking away from me and not answering my calls or texts is killing me because I know I hurt him. So really, I was wrong all around, and I’m not sure how to fix it. But I know I have to, because I need him in my life.”
“You can fix it, Bay,” he says, and I look up at him.
“So you aren’t gonna freak out at me?” I ask, surprised.
He shakes his head. “No, Sinclair is a good guy. I agree that you need him in your life.”
“I thought no one was good enough for me?”
“No one is, but he wants to be. I can see it in his eyes.”
Those damn eyes, they are the story of his soul. His beautiful, amazing soul.
He adds, “But I am going to say that we really do need to rethink this whole NHL thing because of what happened today.”
But I come off the wall, shaking my head. “No way, Dad. That is in no way, shape, or form gonna hold me back. If anything, it’s going to push me to make it. McCarthy was a dick, and he was out to get me from the beginning.”
“He tried to rape you,” he reminds me, but I shake my head.
“But he didn’t. I fought him off, and I would have gotten away even if Jayden hadn’t walked in. I can take care of myself, and I know it won’t happen again, Dad.”
“You can’t guarantee that.”
“Okay, no, I can’t, but it’s time for me to fight for what I want. And I want to be happy. Jayden and hockey do that.”
“But there are other options,” he stresses, but I shake my head.
“I’m gonna be in the NHL. With Jayden. And we are going to be together. Not a damn thing will stop that.”
“Baylor, you’re doing that stubborn thing again,” he reminds me. “I’m only looking out for you because I love you.”
“I love you, Dad, but I have to do what I want, and I want these things. They can break me, hurt me, or betray me, but at least I tried. At least I did everything I could for the things I love.”
Looking away, he scoffs. “There is no talking you out of anything when you get your mind set on something, no matter what tries to bring you down,” he says as he stands, looking over me. “You’ve always been like that.”
He’s right. I have always been like that. When I want something, I go for it. I fight tooth and nail. The McCarthy thing happened, yeah, and it sucks. But I fought. He wasn’t going to get me. No matter what, I would have found a way out. But the thing is, I let it go. It happened, it sucked, but it doesn’t define me. I know it won’t happen again because I learned from it. Things happen in life for a reason, and do I really feel something like this will happen again? No, because if I did, I would agree with my father to not try to go into the NHL, but I don’t. My future isn’t in black and white, or even there for me to control, but I don’t care anymore.
Because I know that Jayden will be there with me. Ready to fight alongside me. And that’s all I need. Yeah, it’s taken a long time for me to admit it, maybe even realize it, but I know it’s true.
Now I just need to tell him that.
Baylor: I really need to talk to you.
Baylor: I’m really sorry.
Baylor: Please, answer me.
Baylor: I don’t know what to do here. I’m freaking out without you.
Bay
lor: Do you even want me to come today?
Baylor: I want to come but only if you want me there.
Baylor: Please answer me.
“Dude, why don’t you just answer the phone or text her back?”
Looking over at Jude from my phone, I shake my head as I drop it to put my cuff links on. My phone has been going off all day, hell, for the last two days, but I can’t face the situation yet. I’m still so hurt by what she did. Why couldn’t she just admit it? Why couldn’t she just say she loves me? Yeah, I can understand the whole lying to her dad—even though that did bother me. But when she looked me in my eyes, why didn’t she say it? It makes no fucking sense to me, and until it does, or until I don’t hurt anymore, I can’t talk to her.
Because I know I’ll give in and let her basically use me, I guess.
But even that doesn’t seem right. Yeah, she won’t admit it, but I know she loves me.
Ugh, I don’t know, this fucking sucks.
“I don’t want to talk to her,” I answer, looking away. “Don’t worry about me though. Today is the big day. It’s about you and Claire.”
“True, but I can’t have my brother stand next to me looking like all his hockey sticks were broken in half and caught on fire,” he throws back at me, and I shrug.
“Yeah, dude, you look pitiful. I know she messed up, but she’s trying to make it better,” Jace adds. “She’s been calling me. Begging me to tell you to call her.”
“I know,” I say, letting out a long breath. “It’s just… I feel like if I talk to her, she’ll make excuses or try to deflect from the real issue. I don’t even think she realizes why I’m so upset.”
“Then tell her,” Jude says. “Communication, dude.”
“It isn’t that easy,” I say, shaking my head. “You don’t understand. I’m turning into a doormat for this girl.”
“So? That’s what love does. You take the good with the bad, Jay. You let her stand on you because you are the only one who can lift her up and vice versa. She isn’t doing this to be vicious; she honestly doesn’t understand how to be in a relationship. And if you want to be with her, you have to show her,” Jude says as he ties his tie. “If you love her and she is it, then you need to work this out, You are the only person that can show her how,” he says before sliding his jacket on. “You’ve told me from the beginning that she is emotionally inept, but yet at Christmas, it was obvious who she loved. Yeah, she can’t say it. So say it to her until she realizes that’s what you do. I mean, shit, you can’t expect a kid to walk without showing it how.”
