Hot Mess

by Anne Conley

  Sam nodded, "You know that nothing you say will change my feelings about you." He was overwhelmed by the range of emotions surging through him and wanted nothing more than to reassure this wonderful woman sitting next to him. Rachel stared at Sam a moment, as if not sure she could believe him, and continued.

  "I blacked out most of that night, but I do remember going into a room with a group of guys and having sex with each and every one of them."

  Sam's rage resurfaced, but he gritted his teeth, and willed it to subside. The idea of a bunch of drunk frat boys taking advantage of Rachel killed him. She noticed.

  "I was a willing participant, Sam. I wanted to see what it was like to be wanted by that many boys. I was curious about it. And I would have done anything to be accepted into that group of people. I can't really explain it. I had moved to Houston from a town a lot like Serendipity, and it was a bit of a culture shock. Everybody else seemed to have money and class and popularity. I was smitten with the idea of being a part of something bigger. I was eighteen, and young, and immature, and naïve." She swallowed and looked at him. "I want some tea. Let me go fix some, real quick." She started to get up, but Sam put a hand on her knee.

  "Let me. I'll get it." He felt a sudden urge to move.

  Sam went to the kitchen and put the tea pot on to heat the water, then busied himself getting the cups and stuff out. He kept his hands busy to keep his mind off of what she'd said. But he couldn't stop imagining her willingly having sex with however many guys she was talking about. Jesus, what kind of self-esteem issues would a girl have to have to do something like that? His thoughts immediately turned to Amanda.

  He couldn't really relate to her need to fit in at eighteen. When he'd been eighteen, his mother had been diagnosed with Stage four lymphoma, and he went through things that no teenager should have to do. He'd been holding his dad together, and nursing his sick mother at that age. Sure, he'd wanted a normal life, like anybody, but he never wanted to be a frat boy. Certainly not one, who effectively took advantage of drunk girls.

  Returning to the living room with a tray of tea stuff, he set it on the table in front of Rachel, and watched as she fixed her cup and took a fortifying sip.

  "The next day, I took the ultimate walk of shame, effectively labeling myself as a slut for the remainder of my days there, which weren't many." She laughed ruefully at the memory. "My room mates shut me out. The frat boys didn't acknowledge me again. I couldn't focus on my school work, wondering what I had become. Then, about six weeks later, I realized I was pregnant. When I went to the doctor, I found out that I was HIV positive." She took another sip of her tea, with shaking hands. "I just assumed that I'd gotten it from one of those guys. All this time, I'd assumed that I'd gotten sick the same night I got pregnant." She inhaled a shuddering breath. "So, I dropped out of school and moved back home."

  Sam put his arm around her, needing to comfort her. He had no idea why she felt like she had to tell him all this, but if she felt like she needed to, he would be here for her.

  "My parents are fundamentalists and proud of it. They saw the disease as a mark of the devil and wouldn't let me stay there. They prayed for me, initially, but eventually, they just wrote me off. I've managed okay without them in my life. I talk to my brother sometimes, but it's hard. He just reminds me of how disappointed in me my parents are."

  Sam couldn't wait any longer. He'd said he didn't need the details, but one thing was driving him a little crazy, and she'd said she wanted to tell him everything. "So that guy yesterday…?"

  Rachel sighed. "That was Kyle. My high school sweetheart. All these years, I've thought about him, remembered him as my one true love, the sweet memories to hold on to, because I'd never get another chance at it." Her voice was wistful. "I had thought this whole time that the night my life was ruined was the same night that it brought me hope, Sophie. But I found out yesterday, that my life changed long before that."

  "Kyle gave it to you?"

  She nodded.

  Sam pulled her closer, drawing her nearer to him, and she let him, burying her face in his chest. "Your life wasn't ruined."

  "I thought it was for so long. I was just living for Sophie."

  "But you do all that online stuff, you help all sorts of people. You're so strong, Rachel. You have to see that."

  She sniffed, her face still buried in his chest. "I do that for money. Pharmaceutical advertisers…" She scoffed, quietly. "If I didn't do that, and my contract social work for the government, then I couldn't afford my medication, or this house. Sophie would suffer." Rachel looked up at him, into his eyes, and Sam saw the hesitancy there. "And I realized yesterday, that I put the guys in that room at risk for contracting the disease. My desire to fit in put them all in danger."

  "You didn't use condoms?"

  She sighed. "I thought they did, but apparently at least one of them didn't, one broke, or something...I was young, and stupid and wasn't paying attention to the right things." She wiped a stray tear from her eye. "So…Now you know everything."

  She had answered most of his questions, and he was surprised to realize that the answers she gave didn't change his feelings for her at all. There was just one thing he didn't know. "No, I don't." She raised her eyebrows at him in surprise.

  "What do you want to know?"

  "I want to know how you feel about me, Rachel. I've told you how I feel about you. It's time you returned the favor, and get me out of the dark, here."

  She sank back into his chest, turning her head to the side. He wasn't sure why she wasn't looking at him, but as long as she was talking to him, he was okay with it.

  "I thought I was perfectly happy before you. I thought that everything was going just fine. Sophie was doing well in school, and my blog stuff was doing fine. I was managing." Her arms snaked around his waist, and she snuggled closer. The sudden surge of relief in Sam was palpable, but he let her continue. He needed to hear her say it.

  "Then I met you, and realized everything that was absent from my life. Namely, someone to share my life with, the joys, the intimacy, the heartaches. I had hoped that we could have that together. And then when I told you, I felt rejected by your reaction."

  Sam squeezed her tightly, guilt rising again in his chest. "I'm so sorry, Rachel."

  "I know you are, Sam. We can't go back and change the way that happened, but I'd like to try to get past it. You're everything I never knew I needed. I got a taste of what my life could be like with you, and I want more of it. But I still can't help but think of myself as dangerous."

  Finally, she lifted her head, seeking his reaction.

  "I'm a firefighter. I live for danger." He told her huskily, then lowered his mouth to hers for the kiss that he'd been dreaming about for months.

  Chapter 24

  From Remainingrachel.com:

  Dear Rachel,

  I'm tired of rejection. Every person I try to be intimate with gives me the cold shoulder. I'm tired of putting it all out there, just for people to shoot me down. Will I ever have sex again?

  Lonely in Los Angeles

  Dear Lonely,

  Tough to say. There might be a lot of rejections before you find the right person. I have no personal experience with this, as I decided long ago not to even try. Are you going to any support groups? As long as you're providing literature and education with your "putting it all out there" talk, you're going about things the right way. Just keep your chin up. Persistence is the key. Just keep trying, and remember that intimacy and sex are two different things. If you can be intimate with somebody, the physical stuff may be a little easier.

  Rachel

  At the touch of his lips on hers, Rachel lost it. She lost all of the control that she'd so carefully held onto her entire adult life. She lost the inhibitions she'd carefully cultivated. She lost any reservations she'd ever had. All she could do was feel.

  She whimpered into his mouth, and the soft pressure of his lips hardened. She opened up to him, this man who finally acc
epted her, who wanted her. Her.

  Rachel's hands drew up his chest, feeling the hard ridges of muscles through his tee shirt, with her fingertips. She explored the definition of his abdomen, feeling his muscles spasm under her touch, before snaking her hands around his neck and winding her fingers in the silkiness of his hair.

  All she could do was feel. He had told her, that night after the ball, to not think so much, to just feel, and that's what she was doing now. She felt his hair, his body pressed up against hers, his hands on her back. Then she opened her mouth to him, and felt his warm tongue inside her mouth. Her tongue met his eagerly, toying with it, darting around it, swirling motions that matched her thoughts.

  Rachel's sense of touch was overwhelmed, so she concentrated on the others. His smell, manliness under the spicy cologne he wore. She inhaled deeply, a ragged breath, then broke the kiss, to smell his neck. Unable to not taste him, too, her tongue darted out to lick his collarbone. The saltiness of sweat mixed with the soap he used was her undoing.

  Sam groaned, "God, Rachel. I want to be with you."

  She whimpered in response, unable to form words of her own. She pressed her body against his, needing to feel him everywhere. Her hands drifted under his shirt to feel his skin, the planes of his muscles rippling and trembling under her fingers' touch. She pulled the tee shirt up and lowered her mouth to his hard nipple, licking and sucking and tasting the soap he used. Her hands continued roaming, feeling the man who wanted her so badly, even after hearing about her sordid past. He still wanted her.

  His hands were in her hair, stroking it, massaging her scalp as she licked across his chest, from one nipple to the other. As she rose to kiss his neck again, he pulled her by the hair so that he could kiss her mouth, crushing it in a powerful kiss, filled with raw, hot desire.

  He pushed her back on the couch, covering her body with his, as his tongue plundered her mouth. She met him, eagerly, pressing her tongue to his, molding her body to his, wrapping her legs around his.

  His hands lifted her shirt over her head, and Sam drew back and looked at her, gasping ragged breaths. "My God. You are something." Rachel pulled him back down and kissed him, afraid that if he started talking, he would start thinking and remember why he'd rejected her.

  Instead, his hands went around to her back, and deftly unclasped her bra, before trailing back around her rib cage, and cupping her breasts, his calloused thumbs rubbing her nipples. He trailed scorching kisses down her neck, to her breasts, and took one into his mouth.

  The intensity of his touch was burning Rachel, and she couldn't get enough of it. His tongue worked her nipple over, flicking it into erectness, eliciting gasping moans from her throat. Her hands were in his hair, holding him to her breast, not ever wanting him to stop. His lips sucked and pulled, his teeth grazed and nipped, and Rachel was lost to the feelings, the sensations of Sam. His hands spanned her rib cage, holding her down, while his mouth made love to her breasts, his hips pressed into her legs, insistently. She could feel his arousal there.

  Rachel squirmed under him, wanting more, not wanting him to stop, unable to articulate her desires.

  Abruptly, Sam sat up, pulling himself away from her, his gaze intense.

  "Rachel. Do you want this?" She nodded, still unable to speak. "You're sure?"

  "Don't you?" She was terrified of his answer.

  "No." Disappointment flooded through her, and she choked back a sob, turning her head away from him, suddenly feeling ashamed of her wantonness.

  "I need it." Sam lifted her in his arms and lovingly carried her to her bedroom, depositing her on the bed and gazed down at her. "I need you Rachel. I don't care about your past, because that's all it is. You and me…" He touched her breast bone, then his own. "We are the present and the future. That's all that matters." Then he lowered himself next to her on the bed and held her neck gently, in his massive hands, as he kissed her softly. "I love you. I know this isn't the best time to tell you that, but I've loved you since I first saw you in your car, singing along to some song. I'm so sorry for everything that I've done to you, and I want to make it up to you." He kissed her again. "Let me make it up to you tonight."

  She melted into his kiss, feeling a liberating sense of elation and drew her arms around his neck, pulling him closer to her. Needing to feel his skin on hers, her hands drew down his back, then back up, pulling his tee shirt with it. Sam raised his arms, allowing her to draw it over his head, before lowering his mouth to her neck, raining blistering kisses across her collarbone.

  Rachel threw her head back, allowing herself to feel him on top of her body, his hot mouth trailing kisses across her neck, her chest, her navel. She arched and writhed, succumbing to the sensations he aroused in her. She felt his fingers on her waist, as they wrapped around her, squeezing, and kneading her skin. They slipped under the waistband of her jeans and came around to the button in front. She sighed, as Sam unclasped the button and began lowering her jeans to the floor, leaving her panties on.

  A faint unease stirred in her, as she felt his hot mouth leave open-mouth kissed down the inside of her thighs. This feels dangerous.

  As soon as her thoughts formed the words inside her head, she reminded herself of Sam's words about the future. They would have no future, if she couldn't let go of her past. They would be safe.

  As if reading her mind, Sam's mouth stopped kissing her legs, and his arctic blue eyes looked up at her. "Stop thinking so much, Rachel. Feel. We're good together."

  As if to illustrate, his mouth found a particularly tasty spot on her inner thigh, and sucked, nipping it lightly with his teeth, before letting go. The experience melted Rachel's insides into a sizzling pool of melted goo somewhere in her belly. She moaned and threw her head back, bending her knees, as Sam came back up to kiss her neck, then her mouth again. Rachel's hands found his jeans and unbuttoned the fly, freeing his arousal. He groaned, hot against her skin, and she reached around and slipped her hands under his jeans, cupping his perfectly muscular butt and squeezing, pulling him against her.

  Sam pulled his jeans off, reaching into the pocket first, pulling out the condom. The symbol of safety, barrier against disease, was nothing more than a small latex disk, but it meant they could be intimate, and Rachel looked at it longingly. Sam chuckled, as he ripped it open with his teeth.

  "Let me." Rachel reached out her hand for it, and when he dropped it there, she acknowledged his implicit trust in her at the gesture. His life was now in her hands, literally.

  She sheathed him, watching him shudder at her touch, listening to him hiss between his teeth, reveling in the pleasure she was giving him. Pushing her back against her pillows, Sam poised himself at her entrance, tickling her button with the tip.

  "Are you ready for this?"

  She nodded, eagerly.

  "Good, because there's no way in hell I'm stopping now." He plunged into her slowly, all the way, leaving Rachel gasping for air at his size. Sam stilled, and a muffled groan came from his mouth, somewhere near her hair.

  "Oh my God, Rachel. You're so damn tight."

  She giggled, completely out of breath. "Well, it's been a little while." Rachel stroked his back, feeling the tense muscles rippling on his shoulder blades. His breathing became more regular, as her body adjusted to him inside her, and then he began moving, slowly.

  The heat that had been building inside Rachel, suddenly became an inferno, blazing out of control. Rachel was moaning uncontrollably at the sensations of Sam. She shuddered and trembled at the feel of him inside her, filling her, the sense of oneness that overwhelmed her. His mouth came down on hers, in a crushing kiss that sent her senses reeling. He was still moving in and out of her slowly, and his tongue in her mouth aped the movements of their lovemaking.

  Rachel couldn't respond in kind, all she could do was gasp and moan and experience this intense burning inside. Sam thrusting in and out of her, while his tongue pumped in kind, as well as his hands on her body, caused her to come apart at the sea
ms. As she climbed higher, she could hear his breathing coming in raspy gasps, and his movements increased. When she could take no more, she moaned loudly, and gripped his shoulders, letting the sensations of falling through the flames take over. He pulled out, just as she began to sink from her shuddering climax.

  "What's wrong?" She was breathless, alarmed.

  He grinned at her. "Absolutely nothing. I'm just not willing to let this end, just yet." He rested the tip of his penis on top of her belly, and he rubbed her clitoris with his thumb, softly. At his touch, she moaned, the intensity of the feeling on her sensitive spots almost overwhelmed her. Taking a deep breath and sinking himself in one more time, Sam whispered to her, "You feel too good, Rachel. I don't want to ever stop."

  Groaning, he began to move again, enticingly slow. She lifted her hips to meet his thrusts, and Sam's pace increased. Rachel could feel herself climb again, this time even more intense than the first, as Sam's finger kept rubbing her, while he pumped himself in and out of her, with measured, deliberate strokes. "So good…" He mumbled, eyes closed in concentration, as his fingers kept circling her.

  One of his hands reached up and tweaked a nipple, and Rachel succumbed again to the fiery phenomenon that was happening inside her. It was an exquisite pain that couldn't ever end, or she would die.

  "That's it, Rachel, feel it." He said to her, between panting breathes. "Feel this."

  His thrusts increased their pace, and before she realized what was happening, he was pounding into her, his body slapping against hers in an erotic rhythm, matched only by their quivering breaths. Rachel cried out as another orgasm rippled through her trembling body, and she lost all control. Her legs came up, and wrapped around Sam's waist, squeezing together as he froze above her, his face a mask of torturous delight, before sinking down on top of her trembling body.

  His ragged breathing in her ear was hot and moist, and sent shivers to her toes. "Jesus, God, Rachel. Fuck." He mumbled, rolling to his side and pulling her tightly against his body. "That was utterly amazing." He dipped his head, and kissed the base of her neck, and Rachel was so warm in his embrace, feeling his body against hers from his head to their toes, that she was asleep in minutes.