The day of their funeral, that horrible, surreal day, Flynn sat with us in the church. At the end, when I began to cry hysterically, he pulled my face into his shoulder and whispered into my ear.
“Shhh, baby. Ali. It’s okay. I’m here. I’ll never leave you.”
Remembering that time still cut deep. And I felt not a little guilty that I hadn’t had the courage to go to Flynn’s father’s service today. No matter what had happened in the intervening years, nothing could erase my gratitude to him for his support during the darkest days of my life.
I got home, not surprised to see that Sam and Meghan were still out. I thought about taking that elusive bubble bath, but I was too restless. I wandered around the house, picking up dirty socks from Bridget’s floor, putting away the few dishes that were in the sink. But everything was too silent and too empty. It made me uneasy and antsy. I almost wished I’d stayed back at the stand.
I heard the slam of a car door and hurried into the kitchen. When the screen door opened, Meghan stepped inside, her face pinched. Sam was right behind her.
“How was it?” I knew it was a terrible thing to ask, but I couldn’t stop myself.
Meghan just shook her head and walked through the kitchen. I listened to the sound of her climbing the steps and glanced at my brother, one eyebrow raised.
Sam dropped into a chair at the kitchen table. “It was hard on her. You know, it’s only been a few years since her dad, and it’s still tough on her.”
I sat down, too. “I’m sorry. Was . . . was it very emotional?”
“It was a funeral, Ali. Yeah, it was emotional.” He ran one hand through his hair until it stood on end. “He was looking for you. Flynn was.”
Panic and something akin to hope flared inside me. “He was? How do know?”
“He kept looking over my shoulder, at the door. Like he was waiting for someone else.”
“How do you know it was me? Maybe . . . it was another classmate. Someone from his family. Or did you ever think, maybe he’s got a girlfriend and she was supposed to be there today?”
Sam rolled his eyes. “For God’s sake, Ali. I could tell. He looked at me, saw Alex and right away, he starts staring at the door. Like he’s just willing you to come through it.”
Unexpected tears filled my eyes. “It was better for me not to go. Trust me.”
“See, I don’t get that.” Sam leaned forward, resting his elbow on the table. “I remember the two of you back in high school. You were tighter than any other couple I’d ever seen. One time . . .” He rubbed his forehead and sighed. “It was the year after . . . the accident. I was coming around from the fields, and you two were on the front porch, sitting in the swing.”
I groaned and covered my face. “Oh, God, Sam, I hope this isn’t what I think it is.”
He shook his head. “No, Ali. Believe me, if I’d caught you doing that, I wouldn’t have waited ten years to let you know. You were just cuddling, or whatever. Sitting close together. You didn’t see me, but I could hear you talking, and it hit me that you guys reminded me of Mom and Dad. How many times did we see them doing the same thing, just talking and you know, being together. I thought, wow, those two really are going to go the distance.”
“Yeah, well, we all were wrong about that, weren’t we? I don’t see what that has to do with today.”
“It has everything to do with today.” Sam studied me, his eyes narrow. “Why did you and Flynn fight on graduation night?”
My mouth dropped open. “Aren’t you, like, nine years too late to ask that question?”
“Probably. At the time, I figured it was just something that you two would work out. And you were doing that girl-crying thing. I didn’t know how to deal with it.” His mouth twisted. “If I’d had Meghan around in those days, maybe she could’ve helped.”
I smirked. “If I were a really cruel sister, I’d point out that your girlfriend was only thirteen at that time. I somehow doubt she’d have been much help.”
Sam shuddered. “You really are cruel. The last thing I want to think about is Meghan being almost ten years younger than me. Anyway, you’re changing the subject. The point is, I never really knew why you and Flynn fought. Maybe if I’d been a better brother, gotten involved, things might’ve turned out different.”
I reached across the table and laid my hand on his arm. “Let me put your mind at ease. There was nothing you could’ve done to make things turn out different for Flynn and me. He gave me an ultimatum. I didn’t like it. He left. End of story.”
“What kind of ultimatum?” He tugged at the dark tie around his neck. My brother was so not the suit and tie type.
I waved my hand. “Doesn’t matter. I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
“Ali.” Sam sat back, studying his hands. “Were you . . . were you seeing someone else behind Flynn’s back? Is that the ultimatum he gave you—give up Craig or he was leaving?”
“What the hell are you talking about? How could you think that about me?”
Sam’s eyes were clouded, his face filled with misery. “I don’t want to think it. I didn’t want to think it at the time. But Flynn left, and two months later you were marrying Craig. And then you were pregnant. It was awful sudden, Ali. You can’t blame me for wondering.”
I couldn’t answer him. It’d never occurred to me that Sam might think I’d been cheating on Flynn. Looking back, I could see his point. At the time, though, Id been so preoccupied with my own misery that I’d never considered how it might look to my brother. I’d been grateful that he accepted what I told him without question.
“Why didn’t you ask me about this before now?” I kept my voice low.
“I guess . . . it was easier not to wonder. I told myself you were grown up and you knew what you were doing.” He hesitated for a minute before lifting his eyes to mine. “I even thought once or twice that maybe . . . maybe Bridget was Flynn’s. But then I knew you’d never do that to him. You couldn’t deny him his own child.”
I felt the blood drain from my face, and my chest tightened. I bit down on my lip, just to keep from crying. I couldn’t speak, but tears welled up and ran down my cheeks.
“Oh, no.” Sam whispered the words, and I saw the reflection of my own agony in his face. “Ali. You wouldn’t. All this time . . . and you never told him? You never told me? How could you do that?”
I couldn’t answer him over the lump in my throat. I only shook my head.
“Alison.” He dropped his forehead onto the heels of his hands. “God. I can’t even . . . what kind of idiot did you take me for? Why didn’t you tell me? We could’ve dealt with it together.”
“She. Not an it. Bridget was my baby. She’s my child. Don’t talk about her like she was a problem we could’ve solved.” Bitterness tinged my words. Yeah, maybe I still had some lingering resentment over how alone I’d felt in those days. Alone by my own choice, but I remembered how many time I’d wished Sam would figure it out.
“When I said ‘it,’ I meant the situation, not Bridge. God, Ali, you know I love that kid. I wouldn’t change anything about having her in my life. But I can’t believe you’d intentionally keep Flynn from knowing about her. He deserved to know. He still does.”
I choked back another sob. “But he’d left me, Sam. He’d walked away from me, when he promised he’d never leave me alone. If I’d told him I was pregnant, he’d have come back. But it wouldn’t have been for me. It would’ve been because he felt obligation. All Flynn ever wanted was to get out of here. You know that. He couldn’t wait to leave.”
Sam stood up and stalked across the kitchen. “And you didn’t think about that before you got pregnant? Before you—he—” My brother couldn’t get out the words.
“I thought I was going with him.” I finally voiced the words I’d avoided. “We’d planned . . . we were going to leave town together.”
Sam turned on me, brows drawn together. “Really? When was that decided? I don’t remember discussing it with you.�
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I folded my hands on the table, squeezing them tight. “We were going to talk to you after graduation. I wasn’t going to just leave.”
“So what changed?” Sam braced his hands on the back of the kitchen chair across from me.
I swallowed hard. “I decided I didn’t want to leave Burton.” It wasn’t the complete truth, but it was as close to it as I was getting.
Sam stared down me, unblinking. “So you changed your mind about leaving. But you could’ve changed it back once you found out you were pregnant.”
“By then he’d left me. I was miserable and freaking out, but Craig was there, and he offered . . . well, he said he’d marry me and be the baby’s father. We’d been hanging out already, and I know now it sounds dumb, but I thought . . . why not? He was so excited, and I figured it might work.”
“It might work.” Sam slammed his hand down onto the table, and I jumped a mile. “God, Ali, when did you become such an idiot? Where did I go wrong, that you thought it was okay to fuck with people’s lives, so long as you didn’t have to be inconvenienced?” He was yelling now, and I cowered, burying my face in my arms.
“Sam.” A soft voice in the doorway pulled our attention away from each other. Meghan had changed into jeans and one of Sam’s flannel shirts. Her hair was down around her drawn face as she glanced from my brother to me.
“Meghan.” He crossed the room to pull her into his arms. “I thought you were going to get a nap before you went back to Savannah.”
She laid her cheek against his chest for a moment, and a surge of jealousy shot through me. I wanted that. I wanted that security, that comfort. It was killing me that I’d never have it with the one person I needed.
“I was lying down, but I could hear you arguing.” She looked at me around his shoulder. “Sam, you need to cut Ali a break. Don’t yell. Let’s just sit down and talk about this calmly.”
“But you don’t know—” He began to speak, and then realization dawned in his eyes. “You do know. You knew already, didn’t you?”
“Sam, don’t blame Meghan.” I couldn’t let my crap get between my brother and the love of his life. “I told her last summer, before the two of you were together. I begged her not to tell you, and I promised I would. It’s all my fault.”
Sam studied her, his fingers gripping her chin. He closed his eyes and leaned his forehead into hers for a moment before he looked at me again. “God, Ali. I’m beginning to feel like I don’t even know you. So not only did you lie to me for years, you pulled Meghan into it, too. You put her in a rotten position.”
“I’m sorry.” I wiped at my cheeks. “I’m sorry, Sam. And Meghan. I didn’t mean to screw everything up. I just wanted to protect Bridget.”
A loud creaking outside drew our attention away from the tension in the room. Meghan pushed her hair away from her face and glanced at me. “That’s the bus. Bridget can’t come into this, not right now. How about I take her into town and get some ice cream while you two settle down? Work this out.”
I nodded. “Thank you, Meghan. That would be great. I really appreciate it.” I paused for a beat, and then added, “You’ll keep her away from the Evans’ house, right? Just in case.”
Sam snorted, but Meghan ignored him. “I’ll do my best. But Ali, you need to make this right. I know it’s going to be hard, and painful, but you’ve got to do it.”
I didn’t answer, and she sighed as she stood on her toes to kiss Sam. He caught her arm and pulled her tighter.
“Are you sure about this? I thought you were heading back to the city tonight.”
She touched his cheek. “I think I’ll wait until tomorrow. I don’t have anything pressing back there tonight, and maybe I can help out a little.” She kissed him and went out the front door.
“She’s right, you know.” Sam leaned against the archway that led from the living room into the kitchen. “You need to tell Flynn the truth. Now. Before he leaves town again.”
My stomach clenched. “But what if he tries to take Bridget away from me? Sam, I’ll die. I can’t lose her. She’s my life.”
My brother pressed his lips together. “Yeah, I know. But you should’ve thought about that before you kept her from her dad all these years.”
When I began to sob in earnest, Sam relented, sighing and pulling up a chair next to me. “Come on, Ali. This is Flynn. He’d never take her away from you. But he deserves to know the truth, and he definitely needs to get to know his daughter. If I ever found out I had a kid and the mother hadn’t told me, I’d be furious about the time I didn’t get. But more than that, I’d want to make sure I didn’t miss anything else in her life.”
“Sam.” I managed to speak somehow. “But what if he hates me? What if Flynn . . . despises me?”
He slowly shook his head. “I don’t know, Ali. I guess you take it one step at a time and hope for the best.” He wrapped his arm around my shoulders and drew me tight to his side. “But I promise we’ll get through it together, no matter what happens. Okay? I’m here for you.” He tilted my chin up until my teary eyes met his. “I always have been. Don’t forget it.”
“HEY, REENIE, YOU SEEN my gray sweatshirt?” I stood at the bottom of the steps and yelled upstairs. A wave of déjà vu swept over me. It felt like I’d never left home, with my sister stealing my clothes.
“No, you big doofus. You left it on the chair in the kitchen and I hung it up in your closet. You know, like, where the clothes live.”
I bit back a smartass retort. I was mature. I wasn’t the little brother. I didn’t have to sink to her level. “Thanks, Maureen.” I took the steps two at a time, and like I’d done my whole life, when I got to the top, I gripped the newel post and swung around into my bedroom door. Only today, I nearly toppled over my mother, who was in the hall, carrying a basket of dirty clothes.
“Watch it, kid. You’re not one of the Flying Wallengos. And you’re old enough to know better.” She fastened me with a quelling look, one eyebrow raised. I dropped a kiss on her cheek before I slid into my room.
“Sorry, Ma. Old habit.” I paused, glancing at her over my shoulder. “You need help with that laundry?”
“No, thanks.” She propped the basket on her hip and leaned against my door jam, studying me. “So. Are you . . .” She licked her lips, and I realized she was nervous about something. “Have you thought about how long you’re staying? In town, I mean.”
I stuck my hands in the front pockets of my jeans. “Uh, well.” I cleared my throat. “I have a job in Los Angeles. Tomorrow. I thought I’d drive into Savannah tomorrow morning, drop off the rental car and catch a flight to Atlanta to make my connection. With the time difference, I can still make it on time.”
My mother pressed her lips together. “Oh. Okay. I guess . . . I didn’t realize you had to leave so soon. I was hoping . . .” She let her voice trailed off, and then she shook her head. “No, it’s fine.” She forced a smile. “Make sure you give me any of your clothes you need washed. I don’t want you going across the country with dirty laundry.”
“Mom, listen.” I grabbed her wrist. “I’ve just got to do this one job, and then I’ll come back. I know we have a lot of stuff to work out, and I’m not going to dump it on you and the girls. I’ll be back. But I can’t miss this shoot. It’s been in the works for months, and it’s a huge deal.”
“I understand, honey.” She patted my cheek. “You have to do what you have to do. You know your father always said that we had to respect your schedule and understand that you’re just not like the rest of us.”
I bristled, clenching my jaw. “What’s that supposed to mean? Not like the rest of you? I’m the thing that doesn’t fit in?”
“No, sweetie, of course not. I just mean, you have other priorities. We understand that.” She turned to leave, and as I listened to her footsteps going downstairs, I dropped back onto my bed with a long, exasperated sigh. My mother had a way of making feel like I was ten years old again, on the verge of making a decision th
at would disappoint her, even as she assured me that she’d keep loving me no matter what. It was a gift.
“Hey.” Maureen leaned against the door frame, taking Mom’s place. “You okay?”
“Yeah. Just trying to figure out what Mom wants, what she needs from me, and how to make it all work.” I threw my arm over my eyes. “I think she wants me to be here longer, but she won’t say it. She just talks in circles until I can’t figure out if I’m doing what she wants or letting her down. Again.”
Reenie snorted. “The woman has mad talent when it comes to guilt trips and making you wonder which idea is yours and which is hers. So what’s the situation this time?”
“I told Mom I need to fly to LA tomorrow. I have this shoot—”
“Yeah, yeah, we all know about the shoot. Presidential candidate, yada, yada. So what’s the big deal? Go, do your thing.”
I knew she was trying to make me feel better, but it still stung. “You don’t want me to stay?”
She threw up her hands. “God, Flynn. There’s no winning with you, is there? If we want you to stay, we’re being needy and smothering you. If we say you can go, we don’t need you. Figure out your shit, dude. You’re worse than a thirteen year-old girl.”
I flipped her off, lifting my arm without moving the rest of my body from the bed. “You have no idea, Reen. You don’t know what it’s like to be the one who moves away. I feel like if I don’t get out of here, I’m going to explode. But at the same time, I feel like if I leave, I’m abandoning all of you. And when I realize y’all don’t need me, it feels . . . like I’m not part of the family anymore. Like you all moved on without me, and I’m just the stranger who breezes in and out.”
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