by LL Collins
Devin squeezed her almost painfully, kissing the top of her head as his body shook. He hadn’t been there for her. This was his fault. “Tell me the rest.” Rachel ran her hands up and down his back, trying in vain to soothe him. She wasn’t sure what was the most upsetting to him, but she knew from his reaction that he wasn’t upset with her.
“When I left that night, I felt sick. When I went home, I threw up for what seemed like days. I thought I betrayed you, slept with another man, your coworker, and couldn’t remember it. But I knew that I hadn’t had any alcohol, only soda, so I started connecting what happened.”
“You couldn’t tell me,” Devin said.
“For many reasons,” Rachel said back. “I was terrified of him, that he really did video us together. I was embarrassed that I had done that to you, the love of my life. Then, I knew he was right. He would destroy your career. I had to do what he said.”
“The day I came to your house,” Devin started, “I had heard him talking, bragging to another officer. Now I know he did that on purpose, probably knowing I was listening. He was going on and on about a hot lay that he had scored at the beach party. He never said your name, but he said something that made me realize it was you. He talked about the birth mark you have on your inner thigh, and I lost it. I ran out of there as fast as I could, to you. You had been acting weird for days, not wanting me around, not even talking to me. All I wanted you to do was tell me that it wasn’t true, that you didn’t do what he was saying. It wasn’t you.”
“But I couldn’t,” Rachel interrupted. “Because he said he had video. He threatened me.”
“Did you ever see the video?”
“No.”
“So you don’t know if you really slept with him.”
Rachel stared at him. Did she know for sure? “Well, I guess not, no. But I know I woke up without clothes on, and it sure did look bad.”
Devin growled angrily. “He touched you when you weren’t even conscious. Whatever he did to you was not consensual. If he really does have video of it, it could cause some big trouble for him. I hope he wasn’t that stupid. And if he was, I’m going to fucking find it. Rachel … I wish you would’ve told me. I understand why you didn’t, but …”
“I couldn’t let him ruin your dream,” Rachel said sadly.
“Don’t you get it, Rachel? My job is my job. You are my dream. Oh my god, I can’t believe all this time … that stupid prick is the reason that I spent five years without you. He did this. I spent all this time mad at you, mad at the world, for the best thing that ever happened to me being yanked away from me because of a selfish asshole that wanted to stick it to me. He saw an opportunity to one up me, so he took it. And you were the casualty. We were the casualty.”
“That’s not all,” Rachel said, so low he didn’t hear over his ranting. He opened the door to the bedroom and walked out, leaving her there. What if she really didn’t sleep with him? Would that have changed the way she handled what happened with Devin? She knew that no matter what, however, he would’ve followed through on his threat to frame Devin for rape, and for that she knew she had to follow through with it. It would’ve been his word against Devin’s. At the time, she was young and naïve, and would’ve believed anything the older cop would’ve told her about what he could do. Devin was probably right, he probably would’ve never recorded himself doing anything to her.
Wondering where Devin went, she walked slowly to the family room, seeing him staring out into the backyard, the moonlight illuminating his body. Her heart tripped seeing him in just the low hanging pair of shorts. He was such a beautiful specimen of a man. She just hoped he could take what was coming next. While they were being honest, she had to tell him the rest. She just didn’t know if she could get it out without completely falling apart again. This thing, this one part, she had stuffed down so far, she could almost convince herself that it didn’t happen.
Walking up behind him, she wrapped her arms around him from behind, resting her cheek against his strong back. How did she start this conversation? How exactly do you tell someone something that was like the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back? As he felt her arms, his body relaxed and he turned his head towards her.
“I want to kill him,” Devin whispered. “We lost all this time for no reason. No reason at all.”
“Devin,” she started. “That’s not all.” He turned quickly, looking her in the eyes as she allowed the tears to fall. It wasn’t fair that she had to say it.
Seeing her face, he led her to the couch, then pulled her onto his lap. She searched his eyes for the love and acceptance she needed to see there.
“You’re scaring the shit out of me, so please, whatever it is—tell me now.”
She ran her hands along his face, the chiseled lines and full lips she loved so much. “That night, I had a plan. When we left the party, I was going to tell you something. Of course, I never got the chance to talk to you at all, and when I did, well, it was the end of us, so I didn’t get to. And then … well …”
“Rachel,” Devin cut her off. “You aren’t telling me anything. What are you talking about?”
She breathed in and out, trying to steel herself for the words that needed to come out. “I was going to tell you that I was pregnant.”
It was like a bomb went off in the room, and the scary, silent aftermath of it smacked her in the face. A thousand things went across his face as he registered what she said. Devin stood up, putting her gently on her feet. “You what?”
“I was pregnant, Dev. About five weeks at the time, according to my calculations.” Devin looked at her stomach, then back to her face.
“What … what did you … where’s the baby?” Devin’s face was twisted in pain.
“I lost it,” she whispered, automatically putting her hand on her flat stomach. The pain of losing their baby had been almost as bad as losing him.
“When?”
“Right after you came to my house that day. The doctor’s said stress could’ve played a factor, or it could’ve just been my body not able to keep the baby.”
“The drugs he gave you did it,” Devin completed the thought.
“Well, I didn’t realize that at the time, but I guess that could’ve been a possibility.”
Devin flexed his fingers, barely containing the anger simmering under the surface. He knelt down next to her, his face against her stomach. “Rachel,” he choked out, emotion overtaking him for the second time. “I’m shredded inside. Not only did we lose us because of a stupid asshole, but we lost a family. We had a baby in here? We would’ve been parents? Our baby would’ve been …”
“Five,” she whispered, running her hands through his hair as he stayed kneeled in front of her. As she felt the tears again, she kneeled with him, wrapping herself around him as he shook and cried. For her, she had had five years to deal with this. For him, it was just starting now. “I’m so sorry, Devin. I wish I could take this away from you.”
“You dealt with this all this time, by yourself. I wasn’t here for you, Rachel. You suffered, and I was a jerk and left you. I don’t deserve you, baby. You’ve been through so much, and I haven’t been here …”
“Dev,” Rachel kissed his tear stained cheeks. “You’re here. You’ve gotten me through the worst time in my life. What happened years ago was beyond our control. There’s nothing we can do to change what happened, or the time we lost. What we can do is move forward, together.”
He shook his head, standing up. “I didn’t have to walk away from you. I could’ve fought for us. This is my fault. I—I have to go.” He took a step away from her, and she grabbed his arm.
Rachel’s heart stopped at the look on his face. “What? Please don’t do this. Please. You promised.”
Over his shoulder, she could see the sun starting to peek over the horizon. They had been up all night. And right now, she had to try to hold on to whatever she could to keep him from walking out the door.
He stepped back to
her and crushed his lips to hers. “I’m not leaving,” he whispered against her lips. “I just need to go deal with something.” Panic overtook her as she realized what he meant.
“Please,” she begged again. “Let it be, Devin. There’s nothing good going to come from this.”
Devin sighed. “I have to, Rach. This isn’t over, not by a long shot. I know you don’t understand that, but as a man, I have to do this.” With that, he walked to his room, leaving her standing in the middle of the floor, unsure of what just happened. She was tired, so tired. Between not sleeping at all, to all that had happened between them in the last few hours, her head was a scrambled mess. He was going to do something stupid. What in the hell could she do to stop it?
She looked at the clock, realizing it was after 6. Kayley would be up, right? She had small children. Striding to her phone before she could talk herself out of it, she dialed her number. Listening to it ring, Rachel paced back and forth. She could hear Devin going back and forth in the room, shutting drawers and knew he was packing.
Her voicemail picked up, and Rachel swore. “Kay, I’m sorry. It’s early, but I need you and Ben. I don’t know what to do. Please call me back.”
Setting the phone on the counter, she practically ran into Devin as he made his way down the hall, duffel bag in hand. She flung herself on him, making him drop the bag in order to catch her. “Please, for me, for us, don’t do this,” she sobbed. She had a horrible feeling about this. Him going there was asking for something terrible to happen.
“Haven’t we had enough happen to us? First we spent all this time apart, then we see each other again when I’m almost killed, and finally, we’re going to get to be each other’s future, and you are going to throw it away by going there? Are you even thinking, Devin? Please, listen to reason!”
Devin hesitated, the rational part of his brain knowing she was right. But he couldn’t let this asshole punk think that he got away with this, all these years. He was going to find him, and he was going to make him pay for what he did. To Rachel. To Him. To his unborn baby. And he was going to make sure that everyone in his old precinct knew what Zack had done.
“Baby,” he pulled her tightly against him. “I’ll be okay. I’ll call you.”
“Let me go with you if you have to go,” she begged.
“No. I’ll be back tomorrow, and we’re going to forget that any of these people ever existed.” He stepped away from her and walked to the front door. She watched him, knowing there was nothing else she could say. He was going to do what he wanted, no matter how much she begged. You aren’t enough to stop him, that nasty little voice in her head told her. Revenge is more important than you. “I love you,” was the last thing she heard before he shut the door.
She was sure it had been hours since he left, but she really only knew that because the sun had gotten brighter and brighter in the living room. She hadn’t moved since he walked out the door. Kayley hadn’t called her back, and who else would she call? Her parents? His? And then have to get into all of that? No way.
What was she doing, going through this again? He loved her? Did he? The first chance he got to run away, and he did it. He was going to go there and do what? He would end up ruining his life, then he would blame her and she’d be back where she was years ago. But this time, she wasn’t sure she would survive. The shrill ring of her phone made her jump, and she scurried for it, hoping it was Devin. It was Kayley.
“Kay, thank goodness,” she said into the receiver.
“What’s wrong?”
Rachel spent the next several minutes explaining to Kayley what was going on, hoping beyond anything that she could come up with something they could do.
At this point, Devin was probably almost back home at their Jacksonville suburb, where he would soon hunt down Zack Miller. She knew he knew enough people there still to find him easily. What she didn’t know, however, was what he would do when he found him. She could only pray this didn’t turn out as badly as she feared it would.
Devin’s phone began ringing, and he looked down briefly, thinking it would probably be Rachel. When he saw a number he didn’t recognize, he frowned. Clicking accept on the screen, he said hello. Whoever it was wasn’t going to convince him not to go. It had to be done.
“Devin? It’s Ben.”
Devin blew out his breath. Rachel had gotten to them. “Hey, Ben. How ya doing, man?”
Ben laughed. “I’m sure you know why I’m calling. Rachel called Kayley all freaked out this morning. What’s going on?”
Devin explained what Rachel had told him about Zack. Ben listened intently, not saying a word until he was done.
“Wow,” Ben said once he was finished. “I don’t blame you, Dev. That’s crazy. Rachel sure has been through it, hasn’t she? Well, both of you have.”
“Would you go after him, if it was Kayley?” A seed of doubt was infiltrating his common sense. Was he doing the right thing?
Devin heard Ben take a deep breath. “I completely understand why you want to confront him. If it were Kayley, I’m sure I’d want to stand up for her honor, too. The only thing is, what’s the outcome going to be? Is it going to make you feel better? Is it going to help things with Rachel? Or are you taking a chance that he could actually get what he wanted in the first place? He wanted you taken down, your career ended. Don’t let him win.”
He heard every word, and he knew Ben was right. He was taking a chance, he knew that. But he couldn’t let him think he had gotten away with it. “I hear you, man. I know you’re right. But, I have to do this. He ruined our lives, and I have to see him face to face and find out what the truth is.”
“Be careful,” Ben warned. “Do you want me to drive over there? I’m off today.”
“That’s great of you to offer,” Devin said. “But, no. I need to do this myself, and I don’t need to get you involved. Thanks, man, for being a great friend to us.”
“Devin,” Ben’s tone was one of warning. “Rachel needs you. Don’t do something stupid. It’s more important for you to come back to her than to prove a point about who the bigger man is. Remember that. I know we as men get stupid over the women we love, and he did wrong you both, but think about what’s really important here.”
“I know,” he agreed. “Thanks for keeping my head on straight.”
“You call if you need me,” Ben said.
Devin pulled into the precinct where he got his start and turned off the engine. While he had calmed considerably in the hours since he left his house, he was still determined to do this. Zack Miller was not getting away with what he did. After talking to Ben, he had talked to both Ellis and Andrew. Despite all of their warnings, he still felt like he was making the choice he needed to make.
The place hadn’t changed much. The white stucco building looked dingy and in need of a coat of paint. Police cars lined the front, and swaying palm trees showed you that you were definitely in Florida.
Stepping from the car, he stretched his legs after the long drive. The whole way, he couldn’t stop thinking about all of the things Rachel had been through. Why was it that these sleaze ball men were able to get to her? If you wouldn’t have left her, it would’ve never happened, he thought. It was true. That night, had he been sitting next to her, she would’ve never been drugged, manipulated, and blackmailed. And had he never done that, they would’ve never broken up and she would’ve never been hurt by that criminal Mark. It was all his fault. Right now was one way he was going to make it up to her. Even if she didn’t see it that way right now. Everything was for her.
Dialing her number, it barely rang before she answered. “Devin.” When she said his name, every single time, a grin the size of Texas wanted to break out on his face. After not hearing it for so long, he swore he would never take advantage of that simple thing again. “Where are you?”
“I’m outside the precinct.”
Rachel whimpered, and his stomach constricted. He hated to hear her upset. “Please don’t do anyt
hing stupid,” she whispered. “I can’t take losing you again.”
“You aren’t losing me, I promise. I talked to Ben, Ellis, and Andrew on the way here. I’m cool, Rachel. I’m going to confront him, let him know that I know what he did. I’m going to find out if there is any truth at all to what happened that night, and if there’s any kind of recording. After that, I’m coming home to you, baby. This is one thing I can control that’s happened to us, Rach. I know you can’t understand it, but I feel like everything that has happened to us has been my fault, and I need to make it right.”
“Nothing is your fault,” she answered, her voice small.
“I’ll call you in a little while,” Devin answered back, not addressing her comment. “I love you, Rach.”
“I love you, too.” Devin slid the phone into his back pocket and made his way for the doors. He wondered how many of the guys he still knew here.
Right before he got to the door, it swung open and one of his old buddies, Brian, stepped out. Seeing him, he stopped in his tracks and lifted his shades.
“Well, well, well. Look at what the cat dragged in! Devin Putnam! How ya been, man?” Brian shook his hand, then hugged him briefly, clapping his back.
“I’ve been great. What’s new with you? How’s Samantha?”
“She’s pregnant with our second child. I have a daughter who’s three, and this is a son. So, what are you doing here? Moving back?”
“Nah, I’m living on the West Coast. I work with SWAT now. I’m actually looking for Zack Miller. Is he at work today?”
“I think he’s out on patrol now, but you can check with Millie at the front desk and she’ll let you know. What in the world do you want with that prick, anyway?” Apparently he hadn’t made many friends since he’d been gone, either.
“Have something to discuss with ‘the prick’. Thanks, Brian, it was great to see you. Good luck with the family.” He stepped inside the cool building, then headed for the front desk. Millie had worked there for so long, he had no idea how old she even was. She kept all of the men in line, and kept them fed, too.
