“I wasn’t—”
“It’s okay,” he says, his words overlapping mine. The air is fraught between us, and this feels awkward and wrong. Like we’re two people who barely know each other. Or two people who know each other so well, they both silently acknowledge how much they want to say to each other, but can’t.
But why can’t we? Because of my kiss with Ollie? I feel hot tears springing up in my eyes, and I brush them away. But I’m not embarrassed or ashamed.
“Looks like you kept it up, on the island,” I say, referring to his martial arts.
“Practiced every day.” Levi shrugs. “It’s not like I had much else to do, besides study.”
I take a step toward him, bridging the distance between us by a few inches. He’s close enough now that I could reach out my hand and touch his cheek if I wanted to. It’s all I can do not to close the gap between his body and mine, pulling him into my orbit. It would only take a second.
“I know you said you didn’t come back here for me,” I breathe.
“Emma—”
“Actually, it’s Eden,” I say so quietly, I don’t know if he can hear me. “Not Emma.”
His gray eyes glow in the moonlight. “What do you mean, you’re not Emma?”
“Gravelle called me today. An hour ago.”
Levi stares at me, and something like comprehension dawns on his face, but I can’t be sure if he’s following what I’m saying or not. I forge ahead. I have to do this, have to say this now. I’ve waited so long. Too long.
“He called me to explain who I really am. Which I already knew, but—” I stop myself. Those details don’t matter right now, the how and the why. I have to get this out before I crack. “My real name isn’t Emmaline Chance. It’s Eden Gravelle. Levi, I’m a clone. A Similar. I’m one of you.”
Past and Future
“There was a letter,” I explain. “When I left Castor Island last April. When I left you there,” I add, reliving that moment of misery as I stare into Levi’s warm, piercing eyes and again feel the ache of that boat ride back to the mainland, without him. “It was from him. Gravelle. It said that the original Emma died when she was three, and that Gravelle, with Seymour’s help, had created me as a replacement for her. So that once she was gone, my father would not be childless. He would have a new ‘Emma’ to replace the one he lost. I knew I was sick,” I barrel on. “As a very young child—a baby, even—I had leukemia. It’s why my mother—” I stop, for some reason having a hard time saying this next part. “It’s why she killed herself.” I force myself to say the words. They’re true, aren’t they? There’s no denying them.
“For my whole life, my father told me that experimental treatments in Sweden saved my life. That he flew me there against the doctors’ orders and found a miracle. But now I know that was all a lie. The original Emma did die. I took her place,” I add, in case there’s any confusion. I barely notice that my cheeks are wet from the tears that stream down them, unabated. “I never thought of it until now. What that little girl—what I—went through. Being taken from her home—with you—and delivered to some crazy upside-down world where she was supposed to stand in for a dead girl.” I realize, now, that I’m shaking. Full-on trembling, but not because of the freezing cold air. It’s because I haven’t processed it. I knew I was a Similar already. But I never considered what it meant for her. That little girl. All I could think about was how this affected me now. But that girl, back then…
It was so unfair, what Gravelle did to her. Snatching her from the only life she knew, with the other Similars on Castor Island, to become someone else’s stand-in. And even though growing up with my father was the normal childhood I was lucky enough to get…
“It was wrong,” I gasp. “And it’s the reason my father’s never loved me. Probably because I could never love him, not knowing… Not knowing he loved this other girl, this first girl, more. I was only three, but I knew even then, didn’t I?”
Before I know what’s happening, I’m in Levi’s arms. The warmth of his lean, muscled body is enveloping me, pulling me toward him, and even though I am distraught and so deeply, deeply sad for that little girl…for me…for all the Similars…the comfort of Levi’s touch is like a jolt of electricity to my system.
His lips mash into mine. We kiss, in the rough, intense, and raw way I remember. Not sweet and gentle like my kiss with Ollie, but hard, the kiss of two people who know they belong together, but maybe for all the wrong reasons. This doesn’t feel like some kind of pity on his part. It feels like we’ve never done or said anything before this that was even a fraction as real as what we’re doing now. His hands roam my body with a force and ferocity that lifts me out of everything I’ve just confessed and fills me with only one thing: need. All I can think as I sink deeper into him, my body outlining his, is that this is what I was waiting for. This is right.
The kiss breaks, and Levi’s eyes stay on mine. He brushes the tangle of hair off my forehead.
“He told me my name is Eden,” I say, not letting go of Levi’s torso as I dig one hand into the hem of his shirt and twist it, wanting to anchor myself to him. To make myself a permanent Levi fixture, so that this moment never has to end. “I didn’t believe him, not at first. I thought it was all another lie. A trick. But then…”
“Then what?” Levi asks me, tracing his finger down my cheek in a gesture so tender it makes goose bumps stand up on my arms.
“Then I jumped out of a moving car. And…off of the boathouse roof,” I mumble, not wanting him to reprimand me the way Ollie did. Ollie… Ollie. “Levi, what you saw. Between me and Ollie. I have to explain.”
“No, you don’t,” he says, his hands framing my face. “I was gone. Gravelle told you I was never coming back. I wanted you to be with him; it’s what I would have said if I could’ve gotten a single message to you.”
“But that wasn’t… I could never…” I stammer. “You have to understand. Ollie and I, we’ve always loved each other. Since the third grade, he’s been my person.”
“Your chlorophyll,” Levi supplies, but with no edge to his voice. I can’t believe he remembered that.
“Yes,” I breathe, still not letting go of his shirt. I twist my fingers deeper into the fabric, fearing this closeness between us will disappear into the void like it never happened. “I never, ever thought I’d get him back.”
“But you did,” Levi answers, his eyes suddenly looking distant and aloof. No, I want to cry out. Don’t do that. Don’t shut me out.
“I did, and having him back in my life has been, well, it’s a freaking miracle, isn’t it?” But now there’s a bitterness to my voice. Because if Gravelle had never taken Ollie in the first place, I never would have had to get him back. “But leaving you tore me up inside. And Ollie, he’s broken now too. Maybe not as broken as you and me. But in his own way. Gravelle is his father, his biological one. He thinks that makes him a monster.” I turn and wipe my tears away as I sink into Levi’s embrace, resting the back of my head on his chest as his arms encircle me. He traces his fingers up and down my arm. All I want to do is sink into this moment, but I have to finish this. I have to say it.
“But I don’t love him, not like I… Not like this,” I say, my voice catching. “Every night you were gone, my body missed you. And now…” I turn to look at him, because I need to say this to his face. “Now I’m one of you, don’t you see? I can’t go back, not now that I know what I am. Who I am… Levi?” I ask, searching his eyes, willing him to say something.
“Emma, I… I know you’re a Similar,” he says, that distant look still in his eyes.
“A-plus for your listening skills?” I snap. I’ve just told him the biggest secret of my life, and his reaction is no reaction at all?
“Look, Emma, you don’t understand.” He lets go of me, pulling away to pace the grass. “I know you’re a Similar because Gravelle told me before I
came to school,” he says softly, his hands back in his pockets, his shoulders slumped. “Before our junior year,” he clarifies. “I’ve always known.”
I can’t comprehend what he’s saying to me. What does he mean, he’s always known?
“It’s why I tried to stay away from you for much of last year,” Levi explains. “Not the only reason. I really did worry that if we were ever close, if we were ever an ‘us,’ you wouldn’t be able to love me for me. Or separate me from Ollie’s memory. But I also wanted more for you. A normal life. One where you could be secure in your father’s love, and not plagued by everything my friends and I live with, every day. I hoped that you’d be the one Similar to get away. To have a chance at all the things we’ll never have.”
“I don’t…” I trail off, not even able to form words. “You knew I was a clone and you never told me?” I feel divorced from the words as they come out of my mouth, like they’ve been spoken by an entirely different person altogether. Maybe they have; after all, they are Eden’s words, not Emma’s.
Levi nods, still slumping like the weight of the planet is pressing down on him. “It’s another reason I fell for you, you know. Besides the fact that you’re irreverent and brilliant and a total pain in my arse. Emma, if one minute element of your life had been different, if our guardian hadn’t sent you to replace the original Emma, we would have grown up together. Been on the exact same path. We would have understood each other the way the other Similars and I do.” He pauses for a beat to squint at the horizon, and I wonder what he’s looking for, but really, I’m too stunned to care. Finally, Levi turns to face me again. “Knowing that potential was inside you, but that you had lived, beyond the limited childhood we experienced. That you had the kind of life we never would… It made you the single most intriguing person on the planet to me.”
I hear what he’s saying, and in some corner of my mind, I’m processing it. Why he was so reluctant to be close to me last year, and yet, why he seemed to gravitate toward me, in his own way. It’s another wrinkle, another piece of the complex puzzle that I wasn’t privy to, but that makes complete sense. Levi knew you were one of them. It’s why he fell in love with you—and why he tried to push you away.
“The others didn’t know? Maude, Thea, Ansel, Jago? Pippa?” I whisper. I can’t bear the idea that they all kept this from me. “Why would Gravelle tell you and not them?”
“We all had training on the island,” he explains. “We studied our DNA families. Our originals,” he says, bitterness in his voice. “In my one-on-one sessions with my guardian, he told me about your history. He said it was important that I know, so I could understand Ollie, since the two of you were so close. At the time, I couldn’t fathom why I was learning this—any of it—but so little made sense to me then, I accepted it, like I accepted most everything he told me. Now I see that this was all part of Gravelle’s plan to torture us. To drive rifts between us and our originals, so that we’d eventually come back to him, convinced our DNA families would never love us. I think, somehow, Gravelle knew how I’d end up feeling about you.”
I take this in, processing the facts, but not what they mean. I can’t; it’s too monumental. “Is this why you didn’t communicate with me all summer? Because you were afraid to have this conversation? Afraid to confront the secret you’d been keeping from me all this time?” I whisper, my voice nearly void of emotion. “Or did you try to reach me, and Gravelle stopped you?”
The air between us is thick with anticipation. I can feel it, a living, breathing thing.
When Levi finally answers, his voice is strained. “I wanted to spare you. I wanted you to have this year with Ollie. The way you should have all along.”
“But that’s not your decision!” I erupt. “You lied to me. For the entire time we’ve known each other.” I’m shaking, and the reality of what he’s done is finally settling in my bones. “Just like my father did. I bet he did it to ‘protect’ me too!” I wheel on him, and I can’t remember a time when I felt so red hot, like I might explode. I feel betrayed, by the one person I trusted the most.
“I knew you’d be angry,” Levi says. “I’ll understand if you… If you and Ollie…” He shrugs, not finishing the sentence, but I know what he means. If you and Ollie want to be together.
“You’re the only person who knows,” I say, resignation flooding over me. “The person I chose to tell. I confided in you. Not Ollie. He can’t know.”
Levi nods. “Of course—”
But he doesn’t get to finish his thought, because I’m already gone. Gunning it back to campus, tripping through my tears, leaving Levi standing there alone on the desolate shore.
The Case for Clones
I have never felt more relieved to have a mountain of college applications to finish. It’s December 1 already. I only have a month to narrow down my list of schools and complete my personal statements. I need to throw my energy into something productive. Something besides Levi.
He lied to me. He has lied to me, the whole time I’ve known him. I don’t know how, or if, I’ll ever trust him again.
I’ve submitted my Oxford application—it was due earlier than the rest, in October—and I’m still attracted to the idea of leaving the United States entirely and getting as far from California, and my dad, as I can. But I know, now, how naive I was to fantasize about Levi and myself being at Oxford together. He and I aren’t anything to each other, not anymore.
I feel the loss of him acutely. Knowing he lied to me all last year, even by omission, makes me feel like I never really knew him. Logically, I understand why he made the choice he did. He felt like it wasn’t his place to tell me what he knew. Maybe he questioned whether it was even the truth. But still. We were close. So close it’s hard to imagine how he wasn’t tempted to tell me everything.
At least I haven’t lost Ollie. He doesn’t ask what we mean to each other, or bring up that kiss, and I’m grateful. He remains steadfast, in spite of everything that’s happened this year. Thank God. Because if I lost him too—again—I don’t know what I’d do.
The threats against the Similars haven’t stopped. More nasty notes are left in their bags. Someone scrawls a hateful message on the whiteboard before English class, and another “op-ed” appears in The Daily Darkwood, on the day everyone returns from Thanksgiving break. It asserts that the Similars are dangerous and that Darkwood should strongly consider whether they belong here. I burn inside, at the hatred exhibited by my fellow students, and at the knowledge that I, too, am included in that statement.
With Ransom’s return nowhere in sight, Jane’s tenure as headmistress continues, and I stop by her office one Saturday after the break, hoping her familiar face can offer me some comfort. As a kid, I always loved seeing her, imagining she were my real mother. I know it’s childish, but I need her right now. I knock on her office door. It’s ajar, and when I don’t get a response, I push it open.
“Jane?” I ask on my way in. She’s at her desk, head in her hands. “Oh. I’m sorry, I’ll come back—”
“No, Emmaline, please,” she says, looking up from the scattered piles of papers in front of her. Dark shadows ring her eyes. “Sit.” She gestures at the couch in the corner, where I curl up with a blanket. I’d never sit this way, so casually, were this still Ransom’s office.
“Am I interrupting something?” I hug my knees to my chest.
“Just a woman at a loss for how to manage a single one of her headmistress duties.” She smiles wanly. “But other than that, no.”
“Are things that bad?”
“Oh, no. Worse.” She sighs. “Emma, there is absolutely no way I can do my job here. Which is to protect the Similars,” she adds. “I don’t take that lightly, you know. As the head of this school, even as interim head, I must protect their privacy and their civil rights. I’m failing at both.”
“The laws keep changing, don’t they.” I’ve seen
enough on the feeds to know there’s a new protest every day from anti-clone factions who don’t believe clones should be allowed citizenship. Who believe they should all be ejected from the country. “But where are they supposed to go?” I ask, feeling desperate. “Most clones were born here, even if they weren’t conceived on U.S. soil. And the Similars—they can’t go back to him, Jane. They can’t.”
The thin smile on her face becomes a line as she sets her pen down and settles back in her chair. “I know they can’t. Don’t think I don’t know everything that man is capable of. I was married to him.”
“You know it wasn’t his idea to do it, don’t you?” The words tumble out of my mouth. “Levi, I mean. He didn’t want to swindle you out of that stock last year. He couldn’t care less about the money. Or controlling your family’s company. He never would have wanted to become a part of your lives by tricking you. That’s not who he is. Gravelle made him do it. He had no choice.”
I take in a breath, unsure if I should go on.
“Gravelle put them through so much. Growing up isolated like they did,” I add, when she doesn’t respond. “They had nothing. Can you imagine? Him, as your only parent? And he never let them in. Never showed them the kind of unconditional love every child needs to thrive. That’s why I don’t blame Levi for the decisions he made last year.”
Jane rubs her temples, and I can see she’s considering what I’m telling her. She spreads her hands out over the desk, turning her wedding ring around on her finger. “I’ve tried, Emma. I thought after I got Oliver back, especially then…” she says. “I thought I’d easily forgive Levi. Snap my fingers and welcome him into the family. But it’s not so simple,” she explains.
I wish I could be a better person. That boy, he deserves a better mother figure than me. Because I’m not strong enough to forgive him, not after he—
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