Going in Deep

by Carly Phillips

  A few seconds later, the two men and the little boy walked into the room, continuing their conversation as they took their seats. Julian pulled out a chair next to Kendall, while Brian grabbed the next closest one to Julian. The little boy had a cute case of hero worship going on for his Uncle Julian.

  The food was delicious; the talk around the table was easy and comfortable. Brian was thrilled to discover Kendall walked dogs and had a ton of questions on the different breeds. She, of course, taught him the benefits of rescue. He was adorable and sweet, and she couldn’t wait to help match him with the right pet.

  “So, Kendall, where did you and Julian meet?” Lauren asked as they were finishing up.

  Beneath the table, Julian slid a hand onto her thigh, as if sensing she’d be treading on a sensitive subject. Obviously Lauren didn’t know minute details of their past, so Kendall pushed away the painful part of the memories, that Julian had targeted her, and focused on the day she’d first seen him and the feelings he’d inspired instead.

  “We met at the gym,” she said, unable not to smile at the recollection. “He approached me as I was stepping off the treadmill and asked if I wanted to get coffee sometime.” It had seemed so genuine, so innocent in the moment.

  After all, if a guy wanted to go out with you after seeing you at your sweaty worst, he was interested. Or so she’d thought. She swallowed hard. Focusing on his mistakes would be a surefire way to destroy any progress they’d made.

  Julian’s hand squeezed tighter on her thigh, and though he meant to comfort, her body reacted in a purely sexual way. A ripple of desire shot through her, and a sweet pulsing settled in her sex, traveling outward, to the tightened peaks of her nipples.

  “Kendall? Are you okay? Lauren asked.

  “I’m fine,” she managed to say. She took a sip of water in an attempt to cool her body down.

  The one place she and Julian had always clicked was in bed. Kendall, during a manic episode, craved sex… probably the way an addict like Julian once craved drugs. And he’d been all too happy to provide her fix.

  On the wrong meds, she’d been reckless. She hadn’t worried about being caught. And those memories swamped her now.

  “Julian, how’s your sister doing?” Lauren’s voice brought Kendall back to the present. “Is the flower shop job working out for her?”

  “Sister?” Kendall asked. She didn’t know he had a sibling. He’d never mentioned it.

  Another nod to how caught up she’d been in their sexual desire… and he’d probably been focused on getting her to do his bidding when it came to her brother-in-law. They hadn’t taken the time to really get to know the important things about each other.

  “Yes. My sister’s name is Alyssa. She’s eight years younger than me.”

  Another squeeze of her thigh; this one she took as a promise to explain more later. She hoped.

  Julian cleared his throat. “She’s doing well,” he said to Lauren, his voice raspier than usual. “The routine of the job is good for her condition.”

  Kendall narrowed her gaze. Something more was at play here, but she didn’t feel it was the right time to ask.

  “That’s great,” Nick said.

  “She sends her love to everyone and said she hopes to see you all soon.”

  “Can I be ’scused?” Brian asked. “I want to watch TV.”

  “Sure,” Lauren said. “Go wash up and I’ll come check on you in a little while.”

  He ran out of the room and Nick shook his head. “I can’t wait until we can send him out back to expend some of that energy in a yard.”

  “I don’t blame you,” Julian said.

  “Lauren, can I help you clean up?” Kendall started to rise, but Lauren shook her head.

  “No, please. You’re my guest.”

  “No. I insist.”

  The other woman smiled. “And I’d do the same thing. Fine. You can help me clear the table, but that’s it. Boys, go talk. We’ll be out in a few minutes.”

  “I think I can manage to move my plate across the room,” Julian said.

  They worked together, and soon enough, the sink was full and Lauren insisted she’d clean later.

  After another half hour of talk in the living room, Julian rose. “It’s time for us to get going.”

  Good-byes were said, Lauren promising to come visit her at the shelter, and soon they were out on the street.

  “My apartment isn’t far from here. Want to head there and talk?” Julian asked. “I’m sure you have questions about Alyssa.”

  His previously unmentioned sister. “I do,” Kendall said, but she wasn’t sure being alone with him at his place was the right thing to do.

  She looked in his serious green eyes and found herself nodding. Because when had she ever been smart when it came to Julian Dane?

  * * *

  Julian now lived in a nicer building on the West Side, his apartment in a better area courtesy of his settlement with Blink. Although there were many things he felt guilty about, the settlement money ultimately wasn’t one of them because he had been in on the ground floor of creating the app. Many of the core elements had been Julian’s idea.

  He might have crapped out on his friends in the end, but he deserved a small piece of the very large pie. The bulk of the money he’d received, he’d used to pay off the debts accumulated during the years after Alyssa’s car accident.

  In reality, it had been his mother’s car accident that caused his sister’s traumatic brain injury. He rarely talked about it, but he owed Kendall answers for his past behavior, and ripping open this particular vein was the only way to provide them.

  They walked into his apartment, and Steve greeted them from his crate, prancing in circles, whining at the sight of them.

  “Hey, man!” Julian let him out and accepted the nudging on his legs and the jumping, which ended with the dog’s front legs and paws stretched against him. “Need a walk?” he asked the dog.

  “That’s rhetorical,” he said, glancing at Kendall. “Want to come with me?”

  “Sure thing.” She was used to putting the dog’s needs first, before settling herself.

  He hooked Steve up to his leash and took him for a walk, during which their conversation was light. He obviously was saving the heavy stuff, and Kendall respected that. They returned to the apartment after half an hour, and he let Steve roam free. The dog grabbed a toy bone and settled into a corner by the couch. She was happy to see he’d settled in so well.

  Kendall chose the corner of the sofa, while Julian walked to the big floor-to-ceiling window overlooking the street, up high enough to be private and give him a spectacular view of the city. He leaned against the glass and stared out until his vision blurred.

  She knew he’d talk when he was ready, and she sat in silence, waiting.

  “My father walked out when I was nine. About a year after my sister was born,” he said, starting at the beginning.

  “Wow, there are so many years between you. Lexie and I are, like, minutes apart. Both aren’t typical.”

  He laughed. “No, not typical at all. In my case, apparently that’s what happens when your parents fight all the time and have to find a way to make up. Alyssa was an accident.”

  Something she’d been reminded of by his mother. Often.

  He glanced at Kendall, who watched him, the understanding in her gaze giving him the strength to continue. “After Dad left, my mother turned to alcohol to numb the pain, but she was really good at hiding it, working and raising us through her addiction.”

  He didn’t recall the small apartment he’d grown up in fondly. They were tight quarters, and Alyssa, a colicky, crying baby, stayed in his mother’s room while Julian slept on a pullout sofa in the den. With his grandparents’ help, they’d moved to a place where he had his own room, which he’d eventually given up for his sister, returning to the sofa. But he knew there were people worse off, and he’d worked his ass off to get a scholarship so he could go away to school.


  “My mother wasn’t neglectful. She kept a roof over our heads and food on the table. And her parents helped raise us, so I guess, all in all, things weren’t awful.”

  “Really?” Kendall asked, sounding angry, he guessed on his behalf. “Because it doesn’t sound wonderful to me. That’s like me saying my childhood was just fine because my father made sure we had a home and food to eat, regardless of the fact that my mother spent her entire life in a dark bedroom suffering from depression.”

  “I didn’t realize that,” he said, turning to face her. She was stronger than he’d ever been. “I’m sorry.”

  Her eyes softened. “Thank you, and we’ll talk about it one day, but let’s stay on you.”

  He smiled wryly. “Not letting me off the hook, are you?”

  She shook her head. “Nope. You’re giving me the facts but not the feelings behind them. And if we’re going to get anywhere, I need both.”

  He blew out a deep breath, allowing the feelings he used to numb with drugs to come back. “It sucked, okay? I always smelled the alcohol on her breath. She had a hard time getting out of bed in the morning. I would catch her pouring vodka into her coffee for a jump start. So I got used to looking out for my sister, first when she was a baby and then as she got older. I felt responsible for her. She was such a tiny thing.” He smiled at the memory. “And despite the age difference, we were close.”

  He leaned an arm against the window, glancing down at the lights and moving cars below. “I went to college when she was ten, and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, leaving her with my mother.” He’d felt so damned guilty, as if him being there could have prevented what happened.

  “Kids grow up, right? I’m sure your mom wanted you to go to school, get your degree?” Kendall asked.

  He shook his head. “She didn’t give a shit. But my grandparents did. They encouraged me, promised they’d be there for Alyssa. So I went.”

  “And you met Kade, Lucas, and Derek?”

  He couldn’t help but grin at the recollection. “We came up with this idea for a social media app while we were drunk one night and started to hash it out for real the next day, and the day after… and the day after. We knew we had something real.”

  He still remembered the high of those days, the comradery with the guys. How awesome he’d felt, how much he’d looked forward to the future.

  “What happened?” Kendall asked.

  He didn’t meet her gaze. He knew he had to just keep talking and get it all out. “One night I got a call. It was my junior year, right before Christmas. We were due to go home for break soon. My mother was driving drunk and she had an accident. She hit a tree head on. She was killed instantly.”

  “Oh, Julian.” Kendall came up behind him and wrapped her arms around him tight.

  He didn’t realize how much he needed her close—the warm, fragrant scent he associated with her and the strength she gave him now. “Alyssa was in the car. She wasn’t wearing a seat belt. She was thrown from the seat, in a coma for a month, and suffered from a traumatic brain injury.”

  Kendall sucked in a startled breath. “I had no idea.”

  He swallowed hard. “No one did. I didn’t tell anyone.”

  “Not Kade or any of the guys?”

  “Nope. I was too mortified by what my mother had done. Too worried to share. I went home for Christmas, and I didn’t want to go back. My grandparents convinced me. They said I needed the college diploma to get a job, to support myself and my sister, and they were right.”

  He swallowed over the lump in his throat. “And they stepped up even more, took on Alyssa’s care when I wasn’t home, and drained their bank accounts because my mother, it turns out, had let her health insurance lapse. And the bills were enormous.”

  “Wow.”

  Kendall wrapped her arms tighter, and suddenly the past didn’t seem so daunting to tell. “I went back to school, but I couldn’t deal with the pain and the worry. About Alyssa, her recovery, what her future would hold.”

  “So you started partying. And doing drugs.” Her hand slipped up his back and began circling in gentle, supportive strokes.

  “Guess it’s not such big a leap to make.”

  “No,” she murmured, resting her head on his shoulder as she continued to comfort him. “Tell me the rest of it.”

  He sighed, tipping his head against the cool window. “Isn’t it obvious? I got hooked and told myself I wasn’t. It numbed the pain. And what did it get me?” he asked bitterly, angry at himself.

  “I pushed away the best friends I ever had, lost out on working on a revolutionary application, not to mention a billion-dollar IPO. Eventually I pulled my head out of my ass and got clean.” The why of that was another ugly story for another day, Julian thought.

  “But did being sober make me a good human being? No. I still went after Kade and Blink, used you, because all I could think about was saving my family from debt and destruction. Because I felt so guilty that I stupidly gave up that opportunity for addiction, I did things I still can’t comprehend.”

  “Hey.” She turned him toward her, and in her eyes, he didn’t see disgust or condemnation.

  He got a solid glimpse of understanding he still wasn’t sure he deserved, but knew he desperately wanted and needed.

  “We all make mistakes,” she insisted, her pretty blue eyes begging him to believe.

  “We all make choices,” he immediately corrected her.

  She inclined her head. “Whatever you want to call them, we’re still entitled to forgiveness.”

  “Even me?”

  She cupped his face between her soft palms, her gaze steady on his. “Especially you,” she murmured, leaning in close until her lips brushed over his.

  Chapter Six

  Kendall hadn’t planned the kiss. She merely wanted Julian to know he was forgiven, that he deserved to put the past behind him just like she had. But she also needed to be close to him. And so she acted on impulse, but not the dangerous kind that led her into trouble, the kind that was born of deep need. If temptation did cause her trouble, only time would tell.

  She’d meant to comfort, but the fire between them was still there, burning strong. Their mouths fused and desire burst free. Their sexual relationship had been hot, and clearly that hadn’t changed.

  He grasped her hair, winding his hand through the long strands, and tilted her head to one side. Her mouth opened, and his tongue slid inside, tangling with his, her entire body softening. Her breasts, full and heavy, pressed against his hard chest, but he was focused on her mouth.

  He held her head in place and kissed her, over and over, lips gliding over hers, his thumb caressing her cheek. She moaned, and he broke the kiss, sliding his finger across her damp bottom lip.

  Feeling naughty, she slicked her tongue out and licked his thumb.

  “That’s my kitten.”

  A full-body shiver took hold at the endearment, her nipples puckering into hardened peaks. The old Kendall, the brazen, brave, un-medicated Kendall, would have had her shirt off in an instant, her own hands cupping her breasts, offering herself to him. But now she was more sober and, it seemed, more thoughtful. The notion of playing that way embarrassed her more than anything. Sex didn’t feel as wild and free.

  “Hey. Where did you go?” He trailed his wet finger down her cheek, over her jaw, nudging her head up to look at him.

  “I was thinking about us. Before. I’m not the same person. I don’t feel the same. I don’t act the same. It’s the meds,” she felt compelled to explain.

  Maybe he wouldn’t want her this way.

  Maybe he expected the wild, uninhibited version of Kendall Parker. She ducked her head, not wanting to see the disappointment in his face.

  “One question,” he said, nudging her chin up so she had to meet his gaze.

  She blinked up at him, waiting.

  “Do you feel? When I kiss you?” He brushed his lips over hers, nipping at her bottom lip.

  Sensation
shot from the sting of his bite to her swollen sex. “Yes,” she murmured.

  A satisfied smile lifted his lips into a seductive grin. “How about this?” He reached out and tweaked her nipple through her shirt.

  Once again, sweet pain reverberated to her clit, and she answered with a soft groan.

  “You do feel. You want me. That’s what matters. Not the past. We’re getting to know each other again and everything is new.”

  “You aren’t… disappointed that I’m not jumping you where we stand?” she asked.

  He cupped her face in his hand. “We’re both different people, baby.”

  “Not kitten?” She didn’t know whether to be sad or not that he’d let the nickname go.

  “Starting fresh, remember?”

  It was her turn to smile. “I do.”

  He swept her hair off one shoulder, bent down and kissed her jaw, licked his way upward, until he nibbled her ear, causing ripples of awareness to shoot through her veins. He worked his way back toward her mouth with soft, gentle kisses that felt like butterflies’ wings against her skin. Arousal hummed low in her belly, and every whisper of his mouth, each lick of his tongue helped her insecurities and worry to flee under his attentiveness.

  She pulled his shirt out from the waistband of his pants and slid her hands onto his bare skin, reveling in the feel of his warm flesh against hers. He shivered beneath her touch, building her courage along with her desire.

  And when he lifted the hem of her dress, skimming his roughened palms over her thighs, she was ready for that step. He raised her dress and pulled it up and over her head, leaving her clad in a light blue lace bra and matching panties.

  He let out a low whistle. “You take my breath away.”

  She felt his lust and approval everywhere and reached for his shirt, removing it and baring his muscular chest. She leaned forward and brushed her lips over his hair-roughened skin, inhaling his masculine scent, letting it settle inside her and wrap her in desire.

  He sucked in a shallow breath and tugged her panties down her legs. She kicked them off and her bra came next. A flick of his wrist and she was removing the garment and adding it to the pile on the floor.