by Jaci Wheeler
“What exactly are you doing here anyway?”
“A little birdie told me that someone might be swearing in tomorrow morning and I thought you could use the moral support.”
“How did you know I would accept? For all you know I was going to turn them down,” I state, rather annoyed she assumes I am going to accept…even though, of course, her assumption is correct.
“Wesley, you and I both know you’re going to accept. The fact I know you better than you know me is proven by you questioning the fact! If you knew me at all you would have known I would be here for you.”
Well, she has me there. Roz has always been there when I need her most, and the fact of the matter is I do need her.
I wrap my arms around her and give her a big hug. I take in her scent and the silkiness of her hair that is brushing against my face. Roz is here because I need her. My best friend, my family.
“Thanks, Roz,” I whisper.
“You betcha.” I let her go and took a good look at her. She looks tired. She has circles under her eyes and it looks like she’s lost some weight. Her hands have calluses on them and she appears to have more muscle definition than I remember.
“What on earth have they done to you?” I ask, affronted at how much her appearance has changed.
“It’s hard work, Wes. It breaks my heart to think these people hate living within the Ministry so much that they need to work this hard to be rid of it. It’s constant manual labor, fear, and bickering.” She has a faraway look in her eyes.
“Are you at least taking care of yourself? Getting enough to eat?” I ask, taking in her frail appearance.
“Oh stop your mothering, Wesley, I am eating enough. Jeff makes sure I’m not doing too much and that I’m always fed.”
“Jeff, is it?” I ask with a raised eyebrow.
“Stop,” she says, ending that line of questioning before it can even begin.
“Now it’s time to get some sleep, I’m beyond exhausted after my trip here and we only have a few hours to sleep. Shut down that crazy mind of yours and sleep. Is it okay if I stay?”
I would never admit it to her but having Roz here always brings me as much comfort as it brings her. Even as kids we slept better knowing the other was close, and not much has changed. I place a pillow between us and turn over. I can hear her sigh of contentment and soon her even breathing lulls me into a sound sleep.
I wake up early the next morning and look down at Roz’s sleeping form. She is mother, sister, and friend all rolled into one, and I didn’t realize how big a hole she left until she was back again. I hate to see the toll her job is taking on her, but she is an amazing president and I am extremely proud of her.
After I’ve been through my bathroom routine and am showered, dressed and ready to go, I come back and poke her. She makes an annoyed sound muffled by the pillow but doesn’t move. I throw off the covers and poke her in the ribs again.
“Rosaline Thatcher! Wake up now, you are not making me late on the most important day of my life.”
She opens one eye and scowls at me. It is quite impressive that she can scowl with only one eye.
“Isn’t that supposed to be your wedding day, Wesley? Stop being so dramatic and let me sleep.”
“As if I’m ever getting married,” I scoff. “Now get your little presidential booty up or I’m going to carry you all the way to the Ministry in your pajamas.”
She groans and mutters something about good for nothing friends, then does as requested. She sticks her tongue at me over her shoulder on the way to the bathroom.
I go downstairs and make two cups of coffee. I almost bring her chocolate milk, but something tells me she will probably appreciate this more. I put an extra helping of sugar and cream in her cup and head upstairs. Dex passes me on his way to the kitchen and gives me a questioning look at the two cups. As if I’d have anyone but Roz stay over. I guess it’s better to give him a heads up anyway.
“Don’t freak out on me, Dexter, but Roz came home last night to be here for me today. Whatever drama is going on between you two I’m hoping you will be adult enough to set it aside for now,” I say, giving him a pointed look. His eyes about bug out of his head when I say Roz is back but he quickly schools his features and gives me a brisk nod before continuing on to the kitchen.
Once I make it back to my room with the two cups I am happy to see Roz is dressed and ready to go. I hand her the coffee and she beams at me, taking a big gulp.
“Ah, bless you.”
“Dex is up,” I say, watching her carefully.
She swallows too fast, burning her throat. She yelps and then jumps when the coffee splashes out of her cup.
Seeing her flustered is rather amusing. So maybe there isn’t anything going on between her and Jeff Adams after all. She scowls and then goes back into the bathroom to freshen up.
I finish my coffee and go back downstairs to wait for her. I am surprised to find Dex is already gone.
Roz joins me a few minutes later and we start off walking to the Ministry together.
Halfway there I can’t hide the fact I can no longer breathe. The more I try to stop the panic attacks, the faster and harder they seem to come. I stop walking and lean over to rest my hands on my knees and try to take a breath.
“It’s okay, Wes.” Roz puts her hand on my shoulder and I immediately shrug her off.
“Not now, Roz, don’t touch me. I can’t handle being touched right now. Can’t you see that I’m falling apart here?” I practically shout at her between pants.
Most people would probably get mad at me or at least be offended by the harsh tone when they’re only trying to help, but not Roz. She’s been around me long enough to know I don’t mean it. I can’t explain it, there’s something about change that sends me in a tailspin. While I know people think I’m being ridiculous, I can’t help it. I hate that about myself, and of course I would change it if I could. The panic is gripping me even tighter. The more I think about this, the more I realize there is no way I will be able to go through with it. If the Council could see me now they would agree. I doubt they would want a crazy person anyway.
Roz drops to her knees in front of me, her face close to mine.
“Wes, I need you to look in my eyes all right? Take a deep breath. Inhale, and exhale, follow me, listen to my breathing, that’s it, inhale, exhale.”
I hate that she still has to coach me through these panic attacks, but it is helping. I take a few more calming breaths and listen to Roz breathe, following her lead. Honestly, I want to curl up in a ball and cry. I am a man now; this is ridiculous, having a panic attack at my age over nothing. What was the Foundation Council even thinking? Obviously I’m not stable enough for this job when the only thing I can think of is shutting down.
As if Roz can read my mind, and sometimes I’m convinced she can, she’s quick to admonish me. “Wesley Sanders, you will not let this control you, do you hear me?” When I meet her eyes she gives me a warm and encouraging smile and her tone sweetens.
“You are so much more than this Wes. These panic attacks might happen to you, but they aren’t who you are. You are bigger than this. Yes, change is scary, not only for you but for everyone. You can do this, I know you can.” She sits down on the dirt in front of me. “Do you know I had a few panic attacks of my own when I found out that I was going to be the new president?”
I look at her sharply. Roz is always calm and collected; I can’t picture her ever having a panic attack. “It was horrible, Wes. The fear was paralyzing. It was the first time I ever really got a glimpse into what it must be like for you. But do you know what? It was all in my mind. The Council, the Ministry, even the hard parts of my job were nowhere near as bad as I pictured. Once I initially met with the Council, even though I had questions and anxieties, it helped calm me down, showed me it wasn’t as bad as I thought. I know this is hard for you Wes, but you are perfect for the Council. I’ve never lied to you, and I’m not appeasing you now. So you need to ge
t up, brush this all off, and make it to the Council room. If once we are there and you still can’t breathe and can’t go through with it, I will walk you out myself. But you will stand up and face it. Do you hear me?”
I love when Roz gets authoritative. She’s always known exactly how much I can’t take and never pushes me beyond what I can do, yet always forces me to do what she knows I am capable of. I try to relay to her all I am feeling and how much I appreciate her being her with me with my eyes.
She grins widely and pats me on the back. “I love you, kid, you know that?”
I do know. Our relationship might not be common, but not much about me is.
“I love you too, squirt,” I say back, which earns me a punch from Roz. For being so tiny she sure does pack a punch.
“Did Masters teach you how to hit like that?” I ask, rubbing my arm.
I expect her to come back with a smart retort, but sadness creeps over her face and she shakes her head. “No, Green did.”
Ah, I should have known. Green is still a hard subject for Roz, as I expect he will always be. Not only were they close but he sacrificed his life for her, and knowing Roz, that is something from which she will never truly heal.
“Aren’t we just the pair?” I ask her, trying to lighten the situation, although it helps to take my mind off of my own issues.
“That we are, dearest Wesley, that we are. Do you think we will still be this close even when we are old and full of wrinkles?”
“Of course we will, although I have no clue what you are talking about. I think I will only get better looking with age. You, however, might have hit your peak,” I say, flashing a grin at her.
“Hateful man,” Roz says but I can see she is hiding a smile.
Our banter helps ease my mind and before I know it we’re standing outside of the Council room. Roz squeezes my hand. I don’t even mind the contact. To be honest, if she hadn’t let go so fast to scan in, I would let her hold it all morning.
She lifts up my hand and scans me in, then backs up so I can have my body scanned. Excitement is coursing through me now. I can’t tell if I want to laugh, cry, or throw up. Maybe I should look up the signs of bipolar disorder when I get home.
The doors open and I stand there frozen to the spot. Roz gives me a nudge and forces me to move forward.
This is it.
CHAPTER
TWENTY-NINE
As soon as I walk in I see ten pairs of eyes staring at me. The only person I recognize is Dex and I zero in on him, hoping he can somehow sense my panic and set me at ease. How he is going to do that, short of making everyone disappear, is beyond me but I’m hoping for exactly that.
“Good morning, Wes.” I turn to an older woman when I realize Dex isn’t the only person here I know. Annabelle is beaming up at me like it’s Christmas morning.
“Good morning, Annabelle, it’s nice to see you again.” Susan would be so proud of my manners. I easily forget them most of the time, but in awkward situations it has been drilled into me to use my manners and make eye contact; otherwise you never really know what’s going to come out of my mouth.
“We are so happy to have you here this morning, Wes. My name is Samuel. How are you today?”
“Feeling highly erratic, but I’m here. You can thank Roz for that, actually.”
Everyone in the room laughs like I made a joke, when in fact I am deadly serious. After a minute of me not laughing and looking perplexed the laughter dies down and there is an awkward silence.
Picking up on my distress, Roz jumps in to rescue me by taking the focus off of me and putting it on herself.
“I’m doing wonderful everyone, thanks for asking! I can tell by your overwhelming welcome how much you missed me.”
Everyone once again laughs and the awkwardness dissipates.
“Of course we missed you, my dear. I’ve been trying to mend the hole in my heart ever since you left,” Samuel replies.
I look over at Dex to see how he is taking this flirtatious comment and am not surprised to see him scowling at the other man.
Roz laughs it off. “Yes, I see how distraught you are. Anyway, I’m only here for a short time to help Wes transition and then I’ll be heading back to finish the construction of the other site.”
Dex perks up at this. “Site? I thought you were building three or four total? Are you only staying for two?” he asks with hope in his eyes.
“That was the plan, but once we started on the first site we had several people decide to go back to the Ministry’s way of life. I think for some people the idea is romantic, but the work is hard and the days are grueling, especially for those with young kids. One more site should be plenty, and even then we could probably get by with two. After talking with Malik we both thought having a third would be beneficial so there weren’t any overcrowding issues and in turn, lack of substance.”
An older woman on the far side of the table clears her throat. “Um, are you sure we should be discussing such matters with an unsworn person standing in the room? It is highly irregular, not to mention stupid, if you ask me.”
Roz stiffens beside me and I know this is the woman she has referred to in the past as not liking. Her name plate reads ‘Clarisse’.
“Oh back off, Clarisse,” another woman whose name plate reads ‘Amira’ speaks up. “We were getting to that, and obviously he is going to be sworn in since he is here…you are, aren’t you, Wes?” With that question I have eleven pairs of hopeful eyes boring into me. I cannot manage to get anything to come out of my mouth, so I simply nod.
“Wonderful! This is excellent news. We are so happy to have you Wes,” Dex says. His excitement is pouring off of him, and he isn’t alone. Everyone in the room appears thoroughly delighted at the news. That helps to ease my fears a bit.
“I must be honest,” I inform them, not wanting to get their hopes up. “I’m going to do my best, but I do have my idiosyncrasies and I’m not very sociable, as I assume you know. I’ve never worked on a team before, so this might not end up working out as you all seem to think it will.”
A man named Simon smiles at me. “There are no expectations, Wes. Not all of us are social butterflies like those three.” He gestures toward where Samuel, Amira, and Annabelle are sitting. “I think you’re going to fit in fine.”
“Very well,” says a man named Seamus. “It’s time for us to give our gratitude to Clarisse for all her hard years of service. We have appreciated every one of them. You will be greatly missed.”
I can hear Roz snort next to me and when I shoot her a look, she grins with feigned innocence.
Clarisse smiles at everyone, then her gaze lands on Roz with a disapproving look. “Well, my job is done here. Wes, it was nice to meet you, good luck.” With that she stands up and leaves the room.
“Is it impolite to do a jig?” Roz asks.
Dex laughs, then tries to cover it with a cough, and Amira full on chuckles.
“Rosaline,” Seamus warns.
“I think it’s time you both took a seat and Wes was sworn in,” Samuel adds.
“Right, of course.” Roz sits down and I take the chair next to her.
The swearing in is over in short order, then they go over some Council business, though I’m too excited to really pay much attention. “I suppose we better introduce Wes to his assistant and then show him to his office,” a girl named Nadia says.
“I can do that,” Dex offers, which relieves me. I’m not ready to make small talk with strangers yet, and the less time I spend with them alone the better.
Roz and I follow him out.
“We decided to keep Clarisse’s assistant on to help you. She has been here a long time and will be able to help show you the ropes,” Dex says, leading me over to what I am assuming is my office.
“Wes, this is Marsha McKinley. Marsha, this is Wes Sanders, who you will now be working for, and President Rosaline Thatcher. I’m sure you will be able to show him the ropes. I’m going to take off now and let y
ou guys get down to it.”
Marsha looks to be in her fifties. At one time her hair was red, though now is mostly gray. She has kind green eyes and a warm, welcoming smile.
I catch Dex’s gaze lingering on Roz before he walks away. By the tint she now has on her cheeks, she didn’t miss it either.
After I get to know my assistant a little, Roz and I ditch the Ministry to spend some time together. We stop at the house to change and pack a picnic lunch, then take off for a hike. Once we spread out our blanket and begin eating I look at Roz, surprised she hasn’t already peppered me with a million questions.
“What’s the matter with you?” I ask her point blank.
“What do you mean?” she replies. “Nothing’s the matter.”
“You are more subdued than usual and you haven’t asked me a million questions about Andi yet, so I am going on a calculated guess that something is wrong.”
She leans back and looks up at the sky. After a moment she sighs, long and heavy. “Nothing is wrong, Wes, it just feels like I’ve aged so much in less than two years. I worry I’m going to fail the people, I worry they won’t be able to survive apart from the Ministry, I worry about division, I just…worry.”
I nod silently.
“What, you aren’t going to berate me and tell me I’m being ridiculous?”
“Of course not. Rosaline, I could never in a million years be the president. I can’t imagine the kind of pressure put on you, not to mention having to please everyone. It’s next to impossible. I’m not at all a people person, and would rather die than involve myself in the lives of all the citizens of an entire country. If you are telling me you are worried, I can only take that at face value and assume it is for good reasons. If you feel the need for feedback, I will tell you to be careful. It is believed that worry and stress might be a contributing factor to premature wrinkles and aging.” I pop a grape in my mouth.
Roz laughs. “I missed this. You, our talks, not having to talk. I miss you, I guess.”
