Me Without You

by Mindy Hayes

  Dean’s hand stops it. “Wait, Alix. Please. Hear me out.”

  “What could you possibly say to me that would make me want to give you any useful information?”

  “I was an idiot for leaving. I’ve…” his voice breaks, and for a split second I almost feel bad for him, but Sawyer’s face—the ghost of one I saw nearly every day for a year before she left—flickers in my mind. Any pity I could have felt for him vanishes. He robbed her of happiness. He wasn’t here to pick up her broken pieces. “I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what I did. I don’t expect forgiveness. I just need to see her.” He stops and anxiously licks his lips. “I need her, Alix. I don’t expect you to understand. Please. Just throw me a bone.”

  I don’t take into consideration ramifications. I lie off my butt. For her. “She’s happy and engaged and better off without you.”

  “Engaged?” he chokes. It’s like I punched him in the stomach. I wish I had. He stumbles back a step and grabs his middle. I’m not sure if he’s breathing. “To who?”

  “No one you know,” I fib again. “But he’s incredible.” Her new life can’t include Dean. He’ll destroy any chance of her starting fresh. If he thinks she’s engaged, there’s a chance he’ll let her go. It’s not like she could ever trust him again. He betrayed her. You can’t forgive that kind of hurt. I would know.

  “How…Who…Where…” Each word sounds as if he’s running out of oxygen. “Where is she, Alix? Is she really not here?”

  “No, Dean. She’s practically been gone since you left.” The lies keep coming. I can’t stop them, but she’ll thank me someday when she actually is married and building a family without him. I’m saving her from further pain.

  I think.

  “Please,” he softly begs. I’ve never pegged Preston for the begging type. It’s kind of pathetic. And really depressing. “Please tell me where she is. I just want to apologize to her. I just want to talk.”

  I pause. It’s a big city. If he finds her, maybe it’ll give her closure. If not, they weren’t meant to see each other again. “Seattle,” I answer.

  He’s shocked at first, until the realization settles. “With Blaine?”

  “Yeah. She went all the way across the United States to move on and she has. She finally let you go; now you need to let her go.”

  He nods, but the look in his eyes is anything but acceptance.

  At least I did my part. I tried to protect her.

  After I race away from Aiden, I know I need to get home, but I have to see Sawyer first. I have to know she doesn't feel the same way Dean does. Sprinkles is only a couple blocks away.

  Thankfully, no one is inside but Sawyer. I burst into the shop with its bright yellow walls beaming at me, and I want to splatter black paint on them to keep out the cheerfulness. I make a beeline for the counter.

  “Your husband sucks.”

  “Uh oh,” she says sympathetically, and a rueful smile tilts the cover of her mouth. “What did he do now?”

  She’s frosting cupcakes. It’s really hard for me to hold onto my anger when she’s surrounded by so much happiness. Like pregnancy and yellow and cupcakes.

  “I think we just had our first frank conversation. Well, it was more of an argument. Not that we haven’t argued before,” I say the last part under my breath.

  Sawyer’s hair is piled high on her head in a messy bun that looks like she didn’t even try to style. “Oh geez…” She sounds tired, but I disregard her dismissive tone.

  “You know how sorry I am for not telling you about Dean coming back sooner, right? We’ve cleared that up, didn’t we? I know it wasn’t my place.”

  “Yeah, Felix. Months ago.” She stops frosting and looks up. “What’s going on?”

  “And you understand why I’m so protective of you, of everyone I care about, right? Why I did what I did?”

  Setting down the bag of chocolate frosting, she steps forward. “I do. You know I do. What’s going on? What did Dean say?”

  I sigh. “Nothing important. But I said some stuff I probably shouldn’t have.”

  “Well, knowing Dean, he probably deserved it.” She offers a playful smile.

  “I’m serious. He pushed some buttons today. Do you think I can’t get my crap together?”

  Sawyer chuckles, confused. “What?”

  “Do you think I’m a hot mess?” I press and tuck my hair behind my ears; subconsciously fixing it so I don’t physically look like a hot mess.

  “Of course not.” She reaches across the counter and places her hand over mine pressed against the gray granite. “You’ve got a lot to deal with right now. I’d be surprised if you had all your crap together. I honestly don’t think anyone has all their crap together. When that day happens we’ll all be dead.”

  I try to accept her words. With all that life has thrown at me, I thought I was handling it okay. But maybe Dean is right, and not for the reasons he thinks he’s right, but since I can’t fix my life, maybe I’ve been trying to fix others.

  “I know Dean’s life used to be rough, and I know he bought you Sprinkles, but I’ve never seen what he’s done to deserve you. Why did you take him back, S?”

  Sawyer presses her lips together in a thoughtful smile. “You don’t have to get it, Alix. It’s not for you to understand. He’s a mess. I know it. But he’s my mess. And I love him. That’s why. It’s as simple as that.”

  I nod sheepishly. “Yeah. He better be treating you right.”

  “Every day,” she affirms.

  “So…I’m sorry for what I said to him.”

  “Maybe I’m not the one you should be apologizing to.”

  “Well, he’s not going to get an apology from me, so he can take or leave this one.”

  She giggles and shakes her head at me. “So, why did you come here, Felix?”

  “I want to make sure we’re okay. That you don’t hold some underlying resentment toward me that I don’t know about. I can’t bear you secretly hating me, Sawyer. There are very few people in this world I care about, and you’re at the top. I honestly don’t know what I would do without you.”

  Without Mama, Sawyer’s the only person in this world who can see goodness in me when no one else can. She makes me believe there still is goodness in this world. The thought of not having Sawyer as my best friend would be like not having blood in my veins. We might not be sisters by birth, but she’s my sister by soul.

  Sawyer tilts her head and looks at me like she does when she thinks I should know what she’s thinking. “If I did resent you, you’d be the first to know about it. You know my sleeves are always full of my emotions. They might as well be tattooed there.”

  I sigh in relief. “Good.”

  “I really need to finish frosting these.” Sawyer walks back to her cupcakes. “Ms. Dotty is going to be by in like twenty minutes to pick them up.”

  “I need to go, too. Someday Gina is going to tell me no, that she doesn’t want to watch my mom for me ever again. And I’m petrified for that day.”

  “You know you have other options.” Sawyer lifts her eyes with a knowing look.

  I’m still not touching those facilities. “Yeah, yeah.”

  AIDEN

  “JAY WANTS TO move in together.” Bridget takes a bite of her burger and shoves a fry into her mouth.

  “Well, that’s a pretty big step.” I take a sip of my Mountain Dew to help my bite go down.

  It’s been a few weeks since we’ve hung out, since Jay’s taking up most of Bridget’s time, but she was desperate to get away tonight. Now I know why. I planned on working late today, but she even offered to pay, and who am I to turn down a free dinner? I could always go back to the office.

  “You think?” she barks, covering her full mouth. “I don’t know what to say to him.”

  “Well, there’s your answer right there.”

  “How is that an answer?”

  “If your first answer isn’t yes, you probably shouldn’t.”

  “But I
don’t want to deter him. I think I want a future with him, but we’ve only been seeing each other for like six months. I don’t even know if I love him yet and he wants to move in? Moving in together so soon feels like a recipe for disaster. We’re not ready.”

  “Then tell him that. He’s a guy. If you’re honest, he’ll get it. Don’t tell him the whole ‘I’m not in love with you’ bit. Because chances are if he’s ready to move in with you, he’s already there.”

  Bridget chokes and grabs for her Coke. “Oh my gosh,” she finally gasps. “You’re right. This is even worse than I thought!”

  I chuckle. “Bridge, what are you so scared of? You just said you want a future with Jay. Love is kind of insinuated with a future.”

  “I know that, dufus. But love is big.”

  Taking another swig of my drink, I shake my head in amusement. “And moving in together isn’t? It’s been six months, you said? If you haven’t been thinking about the gradual next step for you guys, you might have a problem.”

  “I know. Okay. I just…I’m not ready for any of it. Maybe I’m not ready because I don’t really want it.” She twirls her straw absentmindedly and begins to stare off at nothing. Her curly blonde hair falls into her eyes, and then her eyes shift to mine.

  “He should probably know that, Bridge.”

  Bridget looks confused for a second as she studies me, then shoves the curls out of her face. “Yeah, yeah,” she dismisses with the wave of her hand and changes direction. “How’s work?”

  I shrug. Since Dean and Alix’s fight a few days ago, we haven’t heard a single word from her. Dean said he would fix it, but I haven’t seen any evidence of that. “Business is decent. We’re keeping busy.”

  Bridget looks perplexed. “Then why do you look so glum? Busy is a good thing.” The light behind her eyes brightens. “It’s Alix. It’s Alix, isn’t it? I told you doing business with her was a horrible idea. Mixing personal and business is always a bad idea.”

  “Surprisingly, I’m not the issue.” I crumple my burger wrapper and toss it on the empty tray. “Dean and her exploded the other day. Started in on stuff from the past and poking personal flaws. It got ugly.”

  “Oh, that was just waiting to happen.” Bridget finishes her burger and leans back. “I’m surprised it took this long.”

  “I don’t even know what set it off. They were doing fine. We were all doing fine. I’ve been going insane with how fine it’s been.”

  “So, the Alix ship obviously hasn’t sailed yet.” Bridget sighs and twirls the end of her hair. “Aiden, Aiden, Aiden…don’t you think it’s time to give it a rest?”

  “Nope.” I exhale and finish off my soda. “It’s just going to take some more time.”

  “I’m not saying you have to let her go. I know what she means to you. I know that this runs deep, but, Aide, if you don’t mean to her what she means to you, it’s time to cut her loose. It’s clearly not going anywhere, and you’re wasting your time. She probably isn’t batting an eyelash to your sleepless nights.”

  “You make me feel incredibly emasculated and pathetic.”

  Bridget laughs. “Are you kidding me? I’d love to have a guy pine for me the way you have Alix. There’s one thing no one can ever say you’re not.”

  “Pitiful?” I say wryly.

  “Dedicated.” I offer her a smile, but I don’t feel it. “I mean it, Aiden. Take it from the only woman you’ve kept around since birth. Your unyielding devotion is admirable, and if she doesn’t see it, she’s not good enough for you. It’s time to find someone who sees your worth.”

  “I don’t know what it is, Bridge. You and Dean have been saying the same things to me for years, but there’s something there. Maybe I’m a glutton for punishment, but I can’t give up.”

  “You don’t have to give up. Just don’t feel like you can’t branch off. Date around. You used to. Why did you stop?”

  “What was the point? None of them make me feel the way she does.” And making her jealous was getting me nowhere. It was a childish move.

  Bridget gives me another funny look. I don’t know how to decipher it. She’s never looked at me like that before. She shakes her head and takes a sip of her drink. “Well, it wouldn’t hurt you to open your eyes a little bit.”

  “Yeah,” I grudgingly agree. “It’s going to be easier said than done.”

  “Always is. How about we make a deal. You let Alix go once and for all, and I’ll let Jay go. I think I need to. We’ll start fresh. Together.”

  Hearing Bridget say that out loud hits me hard. Am I just holding onto something familiar? Am I holding on to Alix because of what she pulled me through in high school without her even knowing it? Or am I holding on because I’m supposed to? Because she needs me to.

  Because I need her.

  ***

  It was too late after I went back to work to go to my grandparents’ that night, so I waited until the next day. Savannah has been dishing me the silent treatment for days, ignoring my calls and texts. As much as I’m sure she wants to, she can’t ignore me forever.

  Savannah is sprawled out at the foot of her bed, flipping through channels on the TV, when I walk up to her room. I know she can tell I’m in her doorway, but she says nothing. I didn’t expect anything less.

  “Hey, let’s go get some ice cream,” I propose.

  She sighs heavily and reaches her arm behind her head like a pillow, ignoring me.

  “Is that a no? Or are you contemplating your answer?”

  “Ice cream?” she rolls her eyes.

  “What’s wrong with ice cream?”

  “What, are you Grandpa?” she retorts and peers back at her show with two prep school girls shouting about clothes or boys or each other’s conceitedness. There really is no telling. “No one goes out for ice cream anymore, Aiden.”

  “Psh. I buy from the creepy ice cream man all the time. He was actually asking for your number last week. I told him his chances were looking pretty good considering—”

  She throws a pillow at me, and I dodge it, laughing. She’s fighting off laughter, trying to clench her jaw to keep a straight face.

  “C’mon.” I hop onto the bed and wrap my arm around her shoulders. “You’re not still mad at me for the drive-in, are you?”

  She settles down into her pillows and doesn’t respond. The silent treatment doesn’t work on me. She’ll have to do better than that.

  “I’m your big brother. It’s my birthright to fend off undesirable guys and to keep you in line. And if I remember correctly, you snuck out of the house. This falls on you, not me.”

  “As if you never snuck out of the house.”

  “Actually, I didn’t. Mom and Dad trusted me to make good choices,” I said it teasingly, but it was true. They trusted me and they shouldn’t have. It feels like someone punched my heart, the guilt instant. A flash of headlights. Screeching brakes. A crash. I take a deep breath and shake it off, pushing away the memory like it never existed.

  “With friends like Josh and Dean, I find that hard to believe.”

  I can’t speak for a second. Talking about Mom and Dad is hard enough. Bringing Josh into the mix…that’s where I draw the line. “Well, it doesn’t give you free reign to walk in my footsteps and make stupid mistakes. You’re supposed to learn from my mistakes and make better choices.”

  “I do. I told you, I’m not stupid.”

  I squeeze her shoulder. “You’re not, but that doesn’t mean you won’t make mistakes. Go ahead and make your own mistakes, but don’t repeat mine. I don’t want you to get burned the way I did. To do things you’ll regret and can’t take back. Irreversible decisions.”

  Savannah lifts her big oblivious brown eyes to me. “You can’t save me from everything.”

  “But I won’t stop trying.”

  She sighs and looks back at her TV. “I miss Camille and Lydia.”

  “Is that a hint?”

  She chuckles. “No. Just a statement. Sometimes a girl just need
s her big sisters.”

  “Yeah. I miss them too.” I set my head against hers. “Maybe I can convince Camille and her family to come home for Christmas. Lydia’s in Ethiopia, so that’s out of the question.”

  While Camille took off and settled down in Boston, Lydia’s a nomad. She can’t stay in one place for long. I guess we all deal with grief differently.

  “Camille says it’s too hard to come back here without Mom and Dad here,” Savannah grumbles.

  “Then maybe we can go to her.”

  Savannah sits up and faces me. “Really?”

  “Why not? Christmas in Boston? What do ya say?”

  “I say yes!” Her arms wrap around my neck, and I think I’m fully forgiven.

  ALIX

  WITH SOCCER SEASON in full swing, I feel like I’m in complete Mom-mode. When I’m not going to Brooks’s games, I’m taking him to practices. Now that summer is over, and he’s back in school, I’m back to Mama watch all day. I’m hardly getting any work done, but I know Brooks needs this.

  I normally wait in the car for him until he’s done, mainly to avoid Dean, but I see Sawyer on the sidelines watching the practice. So, I get out and approach the field.

  “Hey, woman,” I say. “What are you doing here?”

  “Hey.” She smiles and gives me a hug. “Dean and I are going to dinner after practice, so I decided to tag along and wait for him.” Her belly is starting to show.

  “Sawyer!” I squeal and rub her stomach without thinking. I pull back. “I’m sorry. I know some pregnant woman are weird about that.”

  She laughs. “It’s us, Felix. It’s fine.”

  “What are you now?”

  “Twenty weeks.” She glows. It’s real. The pregnancy glow. I knew if anyone were going to glow, it’d be Sawyer. “We find out the gender tomorrow.”

  “I thought Dean wanted it to be a surprise.”

  “And I think we need to plan, so he lost.”

  I laugh. “You left the bakery really early today.”

  “I hired Megan to help run the cash register and close up for me. She’s a senior this year and Gina wanted her to start learning some responsibility before college.” She exhales. “It’s made things so much less stressful. I’ve been so tired, and being on my feet all day isn’t good. So, she’s helping take the load off.”