by Mindy Hayes
I hate myself for saying this. “If seeing you agitates her in the slightest, you’re gone,” I order. Protecting what’s left of our family is my responsibility now. He’s not about to destroy it all over again.
He sighs and nods agreeably. “Okay.”
Before the automated doors open for us, I turn back. “Don’t you dare say a word about that other woman.”
“Of course not,” he replies, like he’s not an idiot. I know better.
We find Mama roaming around the halls near her room. Her dull, chestnut hair lays flat against her head, and she’s not wearing any make-up. She’s my mom, but she hardly looks like her. She’s arm in arm with Janessa. I feel a mixture of jealousy and gratitude. I should be the one by her side, but I’m so grateful she has someone she feels comfortable enough to walk around with, I can’t be angry.
When Mama looks up, her eyes brighten instantly. “Ph Ph Phillip?” she stutters.
What. The. Heck.
Mama’s smile is gradual, but then it’s full blown. Not a hint of hurt or resentment.
Phil looks between her and me with a look of confusion. I don’t have the answers. I’m as baffled as he is. And a little hurt. Okay, a lot hurt. Words can’t describe the hurt. She remembers him, but not me?
“Hi, Katie,” he says warmly, walking cautiously toward her.
“What took you so long?” she asks.
His eyes shift to me again. I have no idea what’s happening. I step in. “He had to go out of town, Mama.”
“Oh. Well, don’t be gone for so long next time.” And there is it. Acceptance. Not even a moment of questioning.
“Okay,” he says, hopefully only to appease her. In an hour, maybe less, she’ll forget he was even here, and we can go on with our lives like we were before.
“Aren’t you going to kiss me?”
He stops. I tense. Don’t you dare.
But if he doesn’t, she’ll ask questions. She’ll want to know why. It’ll make it worse. He makes everything worse. When he looks to me I nod curtly, but I’m far from happy about it.
She looks sweetly, lovingly, at him when he pulls away. I can’t quite decipher the look on his face. It’s a mixture of pain and contentment. I hope it hurt, knowing he lost her, and that’s the last time he’ll get to kiss her ever again.
“Can you ask this nice girl to get me some water? She’s always so good to me.” Mama is gesturing to me, not Janessa.
“Katie,” Phil says. “It’s Alix. You don’t remember Alix?” His eyes sadden as he looks at me. Phil finally gets it. I grit my teeth. Yeah, you sorry son of a biscuit eater. Now you get it?
She laughs. “Of course I do.” I know she doesn’t. “Alix,” she says my name like it’s a foreign language.
Smiling sadly, I say, “I’ll get right on it.” Just to get away. I can’t be near them with her so oblivious, thinking he’s been on another business trip and not with his second family for the last ten years.
I take Janessa’s arm and pull her aside. “Is there a doctor I can talk to? The one who’s been taking care of her?”
“Let me get Dr. Kirk for you.”
“Thank you.” While I wait I get Mama a glass of water. When I get back to her room, they are sitting on her bed, side by side, with their backs facing the door. Mama rests her head on his shoulder as they look out the window. Phil is resting his arm around her waist, soaking it in.
I want to pry his worthless hands off her and throw him against the wall. Why did I let him in here? What was I thinking?
“Alix?” I turn to see Janessa with a man I assume is Dr. Kirk.
I step away from the door and move them a little farther down the hallway.
“I’m Dr. Alan Kirk,” he says with one of those doctorly smiles. “It’s nice to meet you, Alix.”
“You too.” But I don’t mess with pleasantries; I get straight to the point. The way I always do with these doctors who try to build a rapport with me. I just want answers so I can do what I need to do to help. “I have some questions I’m hoping you can answer for me.”
“Sure,” he says.
“She remembers him. My dad. A man who has been absent from our lives for ten years. My own mother doesn’t remember me, but she remembers someone she hasn’t seen in nearly a decade. How is that possible?”
Dr. Kirk takes me aside, closer to the wall, so others can easily walk by. “It’s not uncommon for patients with Alzheimer’s to remember their past better than their present. Alzheimer’s works backwards, so past memories stick. She’s most likely pulling memories from ten plus years ago. Anything that has happened since then could be splotchy or gone, and some memories from then might be as well, but it’s not unusual for her to remember him.”
My head begins to pound. While she doesn’t remember his betrayal, if the one person who makes her happy now and calms her in a way I never could, isn’t someone who will stay, she’s going to be an even bigger mess than before.
I walk warily back into her room. She’s mumbling to him, and he’s nodding like he knows what she’s saying. I catch a few words here and there. It sounds like she’s talking about some vacation they took before I was born, but it doesn’t make any sense to me.
“Can I talk to you for a second?” They both turn. Phil points to himself, and I nod, trying to keep my distain hidden.
“Where are you going?” she asks anxiously, getting to her feet. “Where…”
“He’ll be back in a minute, Mama. Don’t worry.” I look to Janessa who’s standing in the hallway in case we need her. She steps in, talking to Mama about painting her nails. Mama’s eyes uneasily dart to us as we walk away. Janessa has to work extra hard to keep her there, latching onto her hand and guiding her to a chair.
“You should get going,” I say once we’re outside, out of sight.
“But I just got here.”
I don’t want to have to explain anything to him or have him questioning me. I’ve been here through all of this. I know what’s best. He knows nothing. I want him to leave. Now.
“Staying for too long makes her too familiar with us being here,” I try to explain as patiently as I can. “She needs to feel comfortable here without us. This place is too new to her, but it’s her home now. You’re not even staying in Willowhaven. I don’t want her to get too comfortable with you again. You’ll only make it worse.”
“Maybe I need to.”
I should understand, but I don’t. “Need to what?”
“Stay here,” Phil clarifies.
“Are you kidding me?” I nearly choke. “No. That wasn’t part of the deal.”
“Why? She wants me here, Alix.”
I shouldn’t have to answer this. It should be as clear as the bitterness plastered across my face. “For a million reasons, but I can name four. Your other family members.”
I can hardly process the fact that he wants to stay. What that would mean for us, for Mama. For Brooks. Several different scenarios play in my head, but not one of them ends happily ever after.
His face grows weary, and he clenches his jaw, lowering his voice, “I left her, Alix.”
It takes me a second. “What are you talking about?”
Phil looks around the hallway at the residents and staff walking by, but they’re invisible for all I know. He quietly continues, “When you returned the letter, she questioned it. I didn’t have any choice but to explain who you were. She lost it. Wanted me to choose…I chose you guys.”
My brain tries to catch up with what he’s implying, but it’s ludicrous. Is he talking about her, her? He didn’t really… he wouldn’t have the nerve… “Are you telling me, after all this time, The Other Woman knew nothing about us?”
Phil takes a deep breath and softly says, “When I left, your mother agreed that’s what was best. She didn’t want two families to fall apart because of me. She cut ties and wanted nothing to do with them or me. That’s why I didn’t try harder to see you before. After what I’d done to your mom…Tamm
y deserved more. I had to be better.”
No. I don’t want to know her name. Everything and everyone connected to The Other Woman is tainted. Did we not deserve better? A cry escapes. “I can’t… I can’t….” I can’t breathe.
“Alix.” He comes toward me, trying to comfort me.
“NO.” I hold out my hand to ward him. “Don’t even think about touching me.” He tries again. “No.” I have to get out of here.
***
I don’t go far. My jacket is wrapped tightly around me as I sit on the grass, overlooking the small pond that once had ducks swimming peacefully across it. It’s too cold for that now.
“Yes.” His voice startles me. “Your mom wanted me gone. That was clear from the beginning. And I won’t place the blame on her and say I tried hard to fight to stay and she kicked me out. I knew the damage I’d caused. There was no picking up those pieces. It’s like breaking an heirloom and trying to glue it back together to make it look like the same priceless piece it was. But it was never going to be the same. I knew I’d broken something priceless.”
I can’t answer him. I’m trying too hard to hold back my tears. I hate him more now than I did before.
“Even at the peak of our destruction, your mother wanted to protect as many people as possible, and since she couldn’t protect you, she protected my other children, Tammy. I didn’t deserve that kind of compassion, but that’s the kind of woman she was. Is.”
I know it without needing her to explain it to me. Ignorance is bliss. “Mama wasn’t doing it for you,” I say. “She was doing it for them.” Even if she didn’t do it out of selflessness and more out of the need to distance us from the situation, she did more than I would have. I would have castrated him and sent his part to The Other Woman’s front doorstep.
“Right, right.” He comes beside me now and sits down, his knees bent and his arms propped on top of them. “I know.”
Gritting my teeth, I swallow back my emotion. He’s the last person I want seeing me cry. He’s taken enough of my tears.
“I didn’t just come to see your mother, Alix. I came to see you. I came to seek your forgiveness. I know I don’t deserve it, but I’m asking for it nonetheless. I thought I could be better with Tammy. And for a time I was, but I understand now, more than ever, where I should be. Here. I want to fight for this family.”
“You want to fight now?” I scoff. Unbelievable. “You have another family. You expect me to forget that? You expect me to forgive you after what you did to Mama? You’re the reason she’s in there! I can never forgive you for that.”
His eyes water. “You’re my family, Alix. That will never change. I just have two.”
“No.” I shake my head. I don’t want to feel his pain. “NO. I am not your family. We share DNA, that’s it. As far as I’m concerned, you never existed.”
Out of the corner of my eye I see him looking at me, but I stay focused on the smooth surface of the pond, picturing jumping in and shattering its guise the way he’s shattered mine.
“I hate that my mistakes did this to you,” he utters, so quietly I almost don’t hear him. “You used to be so full of light and laughter and sunshine.” A pause. “You got that from her, you know?” His voice is full of tears. “Don’t let my mistakes take from you what she gave.”
I finally look at him, sucking in air to catch my breath. I can’t hide the streaks running down my cheeks. He’s so wrecked; I see the pieces crushed in his eyes. They reflect mine. “I miss her…every day.”
“I know you do,” he whispers. “I’m so sorry. I wish I could change it. If there’s anything I want more in this world, it’s to bring her back to you.”
I look back at the placid pond—so calm it’s like glass. “I still hate you,” I say, but don’t pack it with anger. Because we both know I don’t really hate him. No matter how much I wish I did.
“I know.”
“As long as we’re clear on that.”
“Crystal.”
AIDEN
THERE ARE MOMENTS throughout the day where I wonder if she’s thought about me at all. I think about what I could have done differently. About where I went wrong. Does she miss me? Even a little bit. Has her dad left yet? Do I need to track him down and run him out of town myself? Had I really misinterpreted what we had so poorly? Does she regret it?
The more I overanalyze, the less I feel like a man.
***
Every time I drop by Gran and Gramps’s Savannah is out with friends. I think of high school and how often my ‘out with friends’ consisted of some sort of illegal activity, and my paranoia spirals out of control. We haven’t hung out much since Boston. Between work and Alix and school and taking care of Gran and Gramps, Savannah and I haven’t had much time for each other. Gran has to keep talking me off a ledge to stop from tracking her down to check on her.
“Someday you’re going to have kids of your own, and the worrying will be ten times worse, and you’re just going to have to trust them. You do what you can to teach them, but you can’t force them to do anything. Their agency is their own. You just have to pray you did something right. Mistakes will be made, but there’s a reason for them. So we can learn.”
Gran keeps spewing out these life lessons as though her words will help to curb my unease. It’s as if she thinks mistakes can be wiped clean for a redo, but that’s not the case. Some mistakes stain. They aren’t all simple life lessons. They change your world, leaving you devastated and holding on to nothing but memories and pain.
***
The following week I text Alix with a new client. I say nothing about what happened between us. I leave no room for casual chitchat. Every word is straight to the point. When Alix is just as professional, it stings. More than I thought it would. But we’re grown ups. At least that’s what my age tells me, but I feel like a heartbroken teenager all over again.
When she walks into the office the next day with her proposal, I wish Dean could have been the one to handle it, but Sawyer had a doctor’s appointment that he wanted to be there for. I couldn’t ask him to miss that because I was too heartbroken to face Alix.
I’m in my office when the front door chimes. Before I get the chance to get up, she walks back and knocks on my doorjamb.
“Hey,” she says uncertainly, hovering uncomfortably outside my office. As beautiful as she is, I see dark circles under her eyes. Her hair is pulled back into a messy ponytail, and she’s wearing her glasses again.
“Hi.” I scramble to my feet.
She hands me her proposal. “Just let me know if they have any questions.” And inches back out of my office.
I move out from behind my desk. “Wait. Alix.” She turns. “Is he still here?”
She nods with a one-shoulder shrug. In her eyes I see frustration, sadness, and something that looks a little like hope. Maybe we’ll never work, but I still care about her. I know the longer he stays, the more it tears her apart. Before she was so angry, and now she just seems defeated.
“Have you figured out how long he’ll be here?” I ask.
Her sigh is weighted, dragging down her shoulders as she exhales. “I wish I knew. My mom really likes having him around. She remembers him more than me. She doesn’t stop smiling when he’s around. It’s like she’s in high school all over again and nothing ever transpired between them.”
And Alix has to stand by and watch as the one person who destroyed her trust and faith in love pretends like nothing ever happened. I hate him. If I could run him out of this town, I would. But what am I gonna do, threaten his life? Ha. All I can do is watch from the sidelines as he devastates their family all over again. She won’t even let me be a support. I hate feeling so helpless.
“I can rally up the old Dean, and we can jump him in an alley.” I’m only partially joking. “Dean’s right hook would be enough to blow Phil right out of this town.”
Her lips twitch like she wants to smile, but she won’t. It’s something at least.
“Wha
t can I do, Alix?” I step forward.
“Nothing.” Her lips press together tightly. Not angry, merely fighting how powerless she feels. Because she has to. If I do, I can’t only imagine how she feels.
“There has to be something that I can do.” It’s killing me to stand by and do nothing.
“Aiden, please. I have to go pick up Brooks. I can’t do this right now.”
“I’m not talking about us. I’m talking about as a friend. Talk to me. Tell me what I can do. Do you need help with Brooks? Do you need me to talk to Phil? What? There has to be something.”
“There’s really not.” She laughs, but it’s so weak, it’s not really a laugh at all. “But thank you.” Pivoting, she makes her way to the door again.
I step in front of her. “I’m not him, Alix. I’m not going to sit here and beg, but you have to know, the reason we’re not working isn’t because of us. It’s because of him. You’re letting him wreck another part of you. Don’t let him. He’s doesn’t deserve that kind of power.”
Alix’s eyes squeeze tightly shut as she works her jaw and swallows. When her eyes open, her defeat has drained away and pleading fills them.
“Please move.”
“I can’t do that,” I say.
“Aiden,” she warns. “I’m not going to ask you again.”
I don’t want to. I want her to stop running and think rationally for once. For once! She doesn’t really want to leave. But then I see a change in her eyes. She’s no longer pleading with me. She’s flat out raging. I know if I don’t move, I’ll only make it worse.
With my fists clenched, I turn away and walk to my office. She can let herself out.
***
It didn’t take long after asking around town to find out where Mr. Fink has been staying. He’s the talk of the town. All the rumors Alix has been trying to avoid are in full swing. I hate it for her. He’s staying at the nicest motel Willowhaven has to offer. Coral Motel on the outskirts of town, closer to The Willows. Now that can’t be a coincidence.
