by L A Cotton
“But he could talk to Cam and—”
“Felicity, I’m serious. I will revoke your best friend status if you breathe even so much as a word of this to Jason.”
“Relax, I’m joking.”
“You’d better be.” Because I was not ready to get relationship advice from Jason, no matter how close we were these days. “I’m sure things will be okay. It’s just a weird time.”
“Atta girl. And don’t forget what I said about seducing him. You can thank me later,” she added, and I rolled my eyes.
“Yep. Got it,” I said, wanting to end this line of conversation.
“Let me know how it goes.”
“Hm-hmm, talk to you soon. Bye.”
“Hailee, wait—”
I hung up, letting out an exasperated breath. A second later, my cell pinged.
Flick: Rude much? It’s a good thing I love you. Call me soon xo
I chuckled. I couldn’t help it. Since Jason had proposed almost two years ago, Felicity had morphed into this confident, sexy, no-holds-barred kind of woman. I didn’t blame her. She was engaged to one of the NCAA’s players of the decade. Jason had already earned himself numerous records, and a spot in the Hall of Fame. And ESPN were already naming him as a sure thing for next year’s draft. It wasn’t just Jason though, it was her. After a rocky start, Flick had found her feet with her studies. She had everything going for her. The guy, the career... the huge diamond ring on her finger.
I’d been nothing but happy for them when Jason proposed. Same with Asher and Mya. But another year had gone by, and Cameron still hadn’t popped the question. I wasn’t in a rush, I wasn’t. But lately, I couldn’t help but wonder if he was just waiting for the right time... or if he was stalling.
“Ugh, stop,” I hissed at myself.
I was letting my mind play tricks on me. Just because Cameron wanted to be there for Xander, it wasn’t any reflection on our relationship.
So why couldn’t I seem to separate the two?
And why, every time he left, did it feel like the space between us grew?
Cameron
“Hailee, I’m home.” I threw my keys down and kicked off my sneakers. I was bone-tired and weary. It had been a long ride back to Michigan, only made ten times worse given how badly Xander had reacted when it was time for me to leave. It had taken almost two hours to calm him, and then I’d wanted to stick around and make sure he was okay, which meant I’d missed practice.
It was late, past ten.
The lingering smell of lasagna wafted down the hall. But it wasn’t until I entered the kitchen and saw the barely touched meal, I knew I’d fucked up twice today.
Our small table was set for two, complete with candles and wine glasses, and a glass of freshly cut flowers. Trudging to the refrigerator, I was hardly surprised to find a bottle of wine chilling and a container of our favorite dessert from the restaurant across the street. Hailee had gone to a lot of trouble, yet, she’d never said a word.
Because she wanted to surprise you, asshole.
I let out a frustrated groan. I hadn’t texted. After sending the initial text to say I was leaving, I’d been so caught up with Xander and then my own thoughts, I’d completely forgotten to text her.
Pulling my lifeless cell phone out of my pocket, I plugged it into a power outlet and waited for it to come to life.
I had text after text from Hailee.
Hailee: It’s me. You said you’d be home by now but you’re not here and your cell is ringing out. Let me know you’re okay.
Hailee: Since you’re still not answering, I called your mom. She said you left Rixon at one. What the hell, Cameron? You texted me at eight this morning and said you were leaving. What is going on?
Hailee: I consider myself a pretty understanding person... but what the actual fuck, Cameron? It’s almost nine-thirty and I’m going to bed. Not that I imagine I’ll get any sleep because my boyfriend is unreachable, and no one has spoken to him all day.
Guilt trickled down my spine. It seemed so fucking inexcusable now, but at the time, after leaving Xander, all I’d wanted was some time with my thoughts. One hour had turned into two and two into four. I’d made one quick stop for gas and to use the restroom and then got back on the road.
I hadn’t stopped to think about Hailee.
I hadn’t stopped to think about anything besides my kid brother back home, breaking his heart because I was leaving him again.
It was all I could think about.
And, in this moment, I realized how screwed up that was. I’d taken a lot for granted these last few weeks. Hailee. The team. My classes.
Hailee.
Fuck.
I glanced at the table again. She’d planned an entire romantic evening and I hadn’t even fucking called her to tell her the change of plans.
With a heavy heart, I moved through the apartment to our bedroom. It was quiet, but nothing could have prepared me for the sight of Hailee asleep on the top of the bed, clutching a pillow, her new lingerie accentuating her womanly curves.
She hadn’t just planned a romantic meal; she’d planned a night of seduction. Probably in hopes of rekindling our usually healthy sex life. But with everything lately, I was normally too exhausted.
In fact, I couldn’t remember the last time we were intimate. I wracked my brain. There had been the night a few weeks back, against the wall. Surely it hadn’t been that long?
Crap.
I’d royally fucked up.
“Way to go, Chase” I grumbled to myself. She’d fallen asleep crying, that much was obvious, and it cracked my heart wide open.
“I’m sorry.” I moved nearer, brushing the hairs from her eyes. Hailee stirred but didn’t wake, so I wiggled the covers free from underneath her body and pulled them up over her.
“I’ll make this up to you, I promise,” I whispered.
Because I would.
One way or another, I would find a way to show Hailee how much I loved her.
Cameron
When I woke up, Hailee was gone. The bedsheets were cold and the hole she left was vast.
I ran a hand down my face before leaning over and grabbing my cell phone off the nightstand.
Me: I’m sorry.
I waited.
And waited.
But nothing came.
I didn’t blame her. Roles reversed, I’d be pissed too.
My fingers flew over the screen.
Me: I’ll make it up to you, I promise.
My cell pinged, but it wasn’t the name I wanted to see.
Jase: What the fuck did you do to my sister?
Jesus. She’d told him? Okay, I knew the likelihood was that Hailee had told Felicity and she’d told Jase, but still, I didn’t like thinking they all knew what a selfish asshole I’d been.
It had been a lapse in judgment. I’d taken for granted that Hailee would be waiting, that she’d understand where I was coming from.
A whole day, asshole. I ignored the little voice of reason and climbed out of bed. I needed a shower and some food since I’d gone to bed on an empty stomach.
Hitting call, I waited for Jase to answer.
“I fucked up.”
“Yeah, you did,” he ground out. “What the hell were you thinking? She was going out of her damn mind.”
“I didn’t... shit, Jase. Things were hard with Xan when I went to leave. He was a mess, I was a mess. I just needed space, ya know?”
“I get it. He’s going through some stuff and you’re carrying that responsibility, but Hailee is your—”
Everything.
She was my everything.
“Yeah, I know,” I forced the words out over the lump in my throat.
“Talk to me, Cam. Where's your head at?”
“He needs me, that’s all I know. When I’m there, he’s better, and Mom and Dad can breathe again.”
“Shit, it’s that bad?”
“Yeah. His therapist is talking about attachment disorder. But
his symptoms are atypical. Kids with AD don’t usually form secure attachments to any of their caregivers, but he’s become overly attached to me.” I inhaled a shaky breath.
Xander was seven. Every year that passed since my mom’s illness, he’d withdrawn more and more. It was as if he wanted to escape my parents when they offered him nothing but love and comfort.
I hated it.
I hated that I didn’t understand why he felt that way, even though I knew it wasn’t something he chose to feel.
The whole situation made me feel powerless, but being there for him, for my parents, was something I could do. It was something I could control.
“He’ll get through this, Cam,” Jase said. “You all will.”
“It’s just something I have to do.”
“I get it. So does Hailee. Just don’t shut her out, okay? You need her.”
“I know.” Pain laced my words. “I’ll fix it.”
“Good, because I really don’t want to have to drive up to Michigan and kick your ass.” I heard the smirk in his words.
“You think you could take me?”
“I know I could.”
“You wish, asshole.” Laughter rumbled in my chest and it felt good.
I couldn’t remember the last time I laughed.
“How’s stuff with the team?” he asked.
“Coach is going to tear me a new one for missing practice.”
“He’ll understand.”
“You haven’t met Coach Byford.” I hesitated, hardly able to believe the words teetering on the tip of my tongue.
“What?” Jason asked.
“Nothing.” I couldn’t say it. Not to him.
“Shit, Cam,” he breathed. “Tell me you’re not seriously considering quitting the team? In your senior year?”
“I don’t want to.” I didn’t. “But it means I could go home at the weekend and travel back for classes.”
“And what is my sister supposed to do while you’re driving back and forth?”
“Jase, come on...”
“I’m not trying to be a dick, I’m not. But we literally just spent five minutes going over the fact you need to let Hailee in, not push her away.”
“It’s not like that. I just...”
Jase let out an exasperated breath. “You need to figure out your priorities here, Cam. Graduation is in less than seven months. Less than six if you take out the holidays and spring break. It isn’t that long. If you walk from the team, you’ll regret it.”
“But if I don’t, and Xander gets worse...” How could I live with that?
“I wish I had the answer,” he sighed.
“Yeah, me too.”
“Just talk to Hailee. Any decisions you do or don’t make need to be done with her. It’s only fair.”
“I will, I promise.” If she wanted to talk to me anytime soon that was.
“I gotta shoot, Felicity is—”
“Yeah, yeah. Go tend to your girl.” I smiled. Jase was different but he wore it well.
“I’m here, Cam. Always.”
We said goodbye and I hung up. Opening my message history with Hailee, I started typing.
Me: We need to talk.
Hailee
I stared at Cameron’s message, the permanent knot in my stomach tightening.
He wanted to talk.
My mind automatically assumed he wanted to talk about us... and I hated it.
I hated that I was that girl now, insecure and uncertain of her relationship, of her man. But last night, after the gnawing worry, followed by frustration and then a deep sense of disappointment, I’d fallen to sleep clutching my tear-stained pillow.
The vibration of my cell jerked me from my reverie.
Cameron: Hailee, please.
Hailee: Okay.
Cameron: I have practice straight after classes but after? At the apartment?
Hailee: I’ll be there.
Pocketing my phone, I made my way toward the Art and Architecture building for my morning classes. I didn’t know how things had gotten to this point, but I didn’t know how to fix them either.
“Hailee,” Devyn waved as she approached me. “I’m glad I caught up to you.”
I frowned.
“Dominic said Cameron missed practice. Something about an emergency at home? I hope everything’s okay?”
Devyn was a sweetheart. She was Dominic’s twin sister and the two of them were best friends. So much so, they shared an apartment off-campus. She also happened to be a huge football fan, so Cameron and I hung out with them a lot during the season.
“It’s Xander, he’s going through some stuff.”
“That must be rough, the age gap.” She hooked her arm through mine as we headed into the building. “Cameron is a good brother.”
“He is.” I really didn’t want to talk about this.
“You know, I heard my brother and a couple of the guys talking... Crap, this is going to sound so wrong...”
“Just spit it out, Dev,” I said, smothering my irritation.
“They’re worried.” She gave me a sympathetic smile. “He never hangs out with them anymore; he’s distracted at practice... they’re saying his heart’s not in it anymore. There’s even talk of Coach giving the second string more time on the field.”
Her words reverberated through me, but Devyn wasn’t done. “Has he said anything to you? Doesn’t he want to play any—”
“What? No! Cameron loves the team. He’d never walk out on them. He’s just finding it hard to balance everything.”
“That’s what I told Dominic. Cam knows there’s too much on the line this season. Especially since the championship should have been theirs last year.” She let out a little huff.
“Listen, Dev, it was good to see you,” I rushed out, “but I need to use the bathroom before class. Catch you later?”
“Huh, sure.” Her lips curved. “I’m sorry if I overstepped—”
“You didn’t. I just really need to pee.” Offering her a small wave, I hurried down the hall toward the nearest bathroom. Inside, I ducked into the first stall and closed the door, inhaling a ragged breath.
The guys thought Cameron wanted to quit.
I knew things had been tough, but I didn’t realize it was affecting his performance so much.
Because he didn’t tell you.
My heart sank.
When Cameron’s mom had gotten sick, he’d turned to me. I had been his person. His safe place. But he wasn’t turning to me now.
Whether he realized it or not, Cam was shutting me out.
And I was letting him.
Cameron
Blood roared between my ears as I sat and waited for Hailee to get home. We hadn’t spoken again all day, despite me reaching for my cell at least five times.
There was so much I wanted to say to her, to explain, but every time I tried to start typing, I couldn’t find the words.
I hoped talking face to face would go better.
The door opened and I heard the soft thud of her sneakers against the floor. “I’m in here,” I called, and seconds later, Hailee appeared.
“Hey.” She gave me a tentative smile.
I wanted to go to her, to pull her into my arms and beg for forgiveness, but there were things we needed to discuss. Things I needed to say without the distraction of her close proximity.
“Sit, please.”
She did, folding her hands into her lap.
“I owe you an apology. I fucked up, and I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”
“I just don’t understand...” she said. “I know things are hard right now, but you didn’t even think to call me. Do you have any idea what that feels like?”
“I... I’m sorry.”
“Wait.” She held up her hand, silencing me. “I’m going to ask you something and I want the truth, Cam. I think I deserve it.”
“Okay...” My brows furrowed, not liking the finality in her tone.
“Do you want to quit the te
am?”
I reared back, my eyes growing to saucers. “How did you—”
I was going to kill Jason.
“So it’s true?” Disappointment washed over her, the distance between us vaster than ever.
“No... I mean, I thought about it, but—”
“You thought it about it and you never said a word. What is happening to us, Cameron? Because when the semester started and you began pulling away, I told myself it was just the pressure of balancing everything. Then you started going back and forth to Rixon more and more, and I got it, because it’s Xander. He’s your blood, your family. But what I didn’t anticipate was that every time you left, it would drive the wedge growing between us deeper.
“I think I’ve been understanding. I’ve tried to be there for you, for Xander, even your parents. I don’t grumble or complain, or trash talk you to our friends. Because I get it. I get you want to do the right thing. You wouldn’t be the guy I fell in love with if you didn’t. But something is happening to us and I’m starting to wonder if it has anything to do with everything else going on, or if it’s just us. If maybe you’re starting to feel like...” Hailee’s bottom lip quivered but she swallowed her emotion. “I’m the burden.”
Without speaking, I got up and crossed the room to her. Dropping to my knees, I looped my hand around the back of her neck and pulled her to me until our heads were pressed together. “You are not a burden.”
“So, what is it? Why do I feel like I’m losing you?”
Her words snaked through me, lashing my insides. “Because I’m an asshole,” I breathed. “I take your love for granted. I take you for granted, and I shouldn’t.”
“I just don’t understand how we got here?” Hailee was holding back her tears. I heard them in her voice.
“I love you. I love you so damn much, and I know things haven’t been right for a while and I—”
The blare of my cell cut through the air, and Hailee’s gaze darted over my shoulder.
