“But you don’t love me.”
“Isaac. I said in the beginning, no Romeo shit. You agreed to that.”
“You also said this wouldn’t cross over into the office or more than one night and well… we’ve crossed a lot of lines, Celeste. Even one’s we didn’t talk about. You practically live with me at this point. And I love that, I’m not saying that to guilt you in any way. But, Celeste, I’ve just been thinking a lot and I want more. I always did. I thought I could just… get my fill of you. But—”
“Get your fill? What the fuck, Isaac?”
“I thought this little crush I had would go away. And it didn’t. Whenever I’m with you it gets worse, and now, I want more than just sex. I want to commit to more than sex.”
The faint hum of the radio stretched on for several kilometers before she answered.
Her voice was small and just above a whisper. “So, is it over?”
“Is it?” We drove for several silent heartbeats. “I’m in love with you, Celeste. And I’ve done the I’m all-in and she’s half-in/half-out relationship before. I don’t want that. I should have ended this when I started imagining a whole life with you.”
“I don’t want this to end,” her voice cracked and the sound of her quiet sniffle, the ruffle of her movements as she brushed away her tears, threatened to end my entire existence.
“I can’t keep sleeping with you if you’re not…” I searched for a word, knowing damn well I wanted to say in love. “Committed. Unashamed to be with me, as my girlfriend. Everywhere.”
A faint sob pierced through the car. I pulled over, nearly ramming the side of the car into a tree. Celeste cursed.
I turned to her and parked the car. “It’s not healthy to love someone the way that I love you, Celeste. I can’t keep wanting more and hoping that one day there will be. I need to know if that hope is just… just that, hope. I will wait for you. But I can’t be in that imbalance again.”
“No, you’re right, Isaac. I didn’t know you felt like that. About me.” Celeste wiped her tears. “This is a lot to take in. I just wasn’t expecting this. I thought that you meant it the way friends do. The way I tell Kieran that I love her. God, I don’t want us to end. I love being with you. You make me feel,” she let out a sob, “so happy. I don’t know what I feel now.”
“Let’s just back off for a while. Sort this out. I can’t have sex with you if, in the end, you decide we’re just friends.” She looked at me, wiping the mascara from her cheeks, even though more fat tears followed in black streams. It made me want to take it all back. To wipe away her tears and take her home to bed. Forget any of this was said and let her stretch out our affair until I was so thin and fragile that I snapped.
Like I did before. With Sierra.
No. My voice rose up from somewhere deep and sad, settling in the forefront of my mind.
“Am I still coming over to prep for tomorrow?”
“Maybe, we should work virtually today.”
“Are we just going to go back to the way it was?”
“For today,” I answered. “We both need some space. If you come over, I’m afraid we’ll just end up in bed. And it’ll further complicate this.”
“Are we acting like it never happened?”
“God no, my love.” I scrubbed my face as if I could wipe away my thoughts. “I don’t know.”
“We should get home,” she whispered after we sat in silence for a bit, avoiding each other’s gaze.
We drove in absolute silence the rest of the way home. Unspoken thoughts looming between us, menacing and palpable.
As I dropped her off, I needed to say one more thing before we parted ways. I took her hand in mine. “You didn’t do anything wrong. I broke the rules. I fell in love.”
“I’m sorry,” she said. Our eyes met, and the pain was so acute I ducked in a breath.
“You have nothing to be sorry about. I’m sorry. We’ll talk about us when you’re ready and know what you want. I want you. All of you.” I had ripped myself open and laid myself bare for her. It had been a long time since I’d loved a woman the way I loved Celeste. But I wouldn’t settle for half of her. The little sexual infatuation that started the moment we met, I hadn’t been able to contain it. And now we were here, sitting silently in my car parting ways.
I wanted her to kiss me.
My hands gripped the steering wheel for support. I cleared my throat. “This won’t get in the way of our work.”
The car door opened. When she was gone, I watched her run up the stairs to her flat, my head heavy with exhaustion.
§ Celeste §
When I’m ready?
I felt off-kilter as my hands shook at the door.
What the fuck did he even mean? Go back? There was no going back from this.
Well, I suppose the whole premise of the thing was to go back to the way things were at any time. I thought to myself, unable to see the lock as I fumbled with my keys. The door gave way and I raced up the stairs to Kieran's room.
That’s when it was just sex. And, now, it was more than sex. Maybe it had always been. But was it a relationship?
I didn’t know if I could call it that.
Or if I was ready to call it that.
Kieran had beat us home and I leaped into her arms. “He dumped me!”
“Shut up. I’ll kill him."
“He’s fucking in love with me. And can’t continue to have sex with me because he wants to be official."
`Kieran was confusion personified. “And at this romantic declaration, you’ve deduced that you are not in love with him?”
I ignored that question because I simply did not know. “I didn’t even tell you about Anthony, yet.”
She snorted. “That wanker. I’m dying for this story. We’ll get to Lover-Boy-Professes-He’s-Bad-at-Keeping-it-Casual shortly. How did Isaac even find the time today to profess his love? Between the asshole ex showing up, and you two being on your way to a breaking story! Sincerely, what a twat.”
I swatted her arm. Isaac was not a twat. I gave her every last sordid detail of my confrontation with Anthony. It didn’t even seem real.
“So, he seriously expected you to fall into his arms whilst the man you’re fucking night and day popped him in the head? Oh my stars! Your life is like a fucking movie. Fetch me my popcorn!”
“Thank you. I’m so glad you’re entertained.” I deadpanned.
“So, now’s not a great time to tell you that I am in love with you?” Kieran pouted and skittered her fingers up my thigh.
“Shut up. I love you, too.” I settled my head into the groove of her shoulder, and we wrapped our arms around each other. She smoothed my hair and kissed my head.
“Don’t you love Isaac? You’re so happy with him.”
I considered her question. “Is that love?”
Kieran sighed. “Love is all sorts of things. Take it from the bisexual. Love is the fleeting feeling you get when you’re in a person’s presence—like they’re the only one that matters. It’s the desperate fevered need to be near someone at all times. It can be found in the way someone makes you feel safe when you’re vulnerable—even if they’re afraid of spiders and could never save you if it came to it. Love is sex, and it’s not. Love is just, the feeling of really fancying someone. Even when they’re annoying. Love is not wanting someone to go away.”
“I don’t want Isaac to go away. But I don’t know if I’m ready for a relationship. If I’m ready for something like that. I mean, it’s been really intense since we started having sex. And I do care about him, so much. We get along in this way that is fun, and carefree, and I feel like myself. But I don’t want to lose myself by making this official and then having to live up to all the expectations of that.”
“Uhuh. I see.” Kieran patted my arm and I had a strange feeling that she didn’t see at all. “Look, it’s not the end. He didn’t break things off. It seems like he just paused the sex. And if it’s just that, then you’ve made a really deep
connection with him, and it’ll continue—just out of the bedroom.”
“I hope so. I don’t want the sex to end. And I don’t want things to be weird.”
CHAPTER 41
Celeste
Things were unbearably weird.
Is there a sound any louder than a tense car ride? I think the fuck not.
I thought my head might explode from the news radio.
“I thought a lot last night,” I said, finally. Isaac silenced the newscaster. “I respect that you can’t have sex with me anymore. I wanted to say that, I don’t want the way we were, besides the sex, to disappear.”
“Yeah. Okay.”
Nice. Awesome. Off to a stellar start.
“I don’t want our friendship to die.”
Isaac scoffed and nodded. He didn’t look at me. Maybe he couldn’t.
“I transcribed Sarah’s interview yesterday.”
“Glad you got some work done. I didn’t do shit when I got home. I’ll do it tonight.”
My insides flinched, recoiling from his icy tone. “Did you get in touch with your mom?” I was throwing pasta against the wall hoping one of my topics of conversation would stick.
“No. I’m worried. I don’t want to talk about it.”
Abort mission. Pasta severely undercooked.
We pulled up to the safe house without another word. Sarah was on the front steps, a mug in her hands, blonde hair tumbling over her shoulders. “Time for my interrogation?” she scoffed, a leery smile growing as she brushed the dust from her sweats.
“Interview,” Isaac forced a smile. “Morning Miss Taylor.”
“Where’s the redhead?” She craned her neck to peek behind us.
“It’s just us today,” I informed her.
“I’m not talking to him unless the redhead comes.”
“Kieran isn’t really a part of our project.” I winced, unprepared for what she might say.
Sarah turned her back to us and sauntered into the cottage. “Make her a part of your project.”
Isaac and I exchanged a look. Without his input, I pulled out my phone and called Michael. I let him know Sarah’s demand and we agreed to wait for Kieran to arrive.
Isaac pulled at his hair and paced, checking his phone compulsively. The clouds threatened rain, and there was a metallic tang to the air. It made the hairs on the back of my neck rise. Something felt off. Everything felt off.
Still, Isaac said nothing. So, I left him outside and found Sarah curled up on the couch.
“He’s handsome.” Sarah tilted her head to the door.
“Does he make you feel uncomfortable?” I felt a swell of compassion for Sarah. She didn’t tell us what actually happened. Maybe she couldn’t. Maybe she wasn’t even sure herself. There was a dullness behind her eyes, a sunken look to them, that attested to having seen cruelty first-hand. I’d seen this look before in other survivors. She needed time, and a bond. Sarah might be headed for jail, but she made it clear yesterday, she’d rather be there than spilling her truth to a stranger to save her own skin.
“He’s intense.” I sat next to her. She tensed like a skittish cat but didn’t move. “He’s been working on this book for a while about human trafficking in Russia and Europe. He feels very strongly about human exploitation. We both do. However, I know Isaac’s stare can be scary when he’s really looking. I used to feel a little intimidated by him.”
Sarah looked down into her empty mug. “It’s hard to talk to men. I don’t exactly have a lot of experience with men who give a fuck about me.”
“I’m sorry for that.”
“Is Red coming?” She put the cup down. I nodded in response. “I can’t tell you everything, you know.”
“Why not? What could you gain from protecting them?”
“Not them.” She referenced the Russians. “Let them burn. I meant about me. My role.”
“What can you tell me?”
“I liked it.” Her eyes drifted to the window. “Every time I was plastered in the paper, with rumors linking me and the Seminoviks, to the laundering, the blow, it meant they were one step closer to finding the link to the girls. Being close to that family meant I had access to the information, and I knew being British made me a juicy piece of gossip. And if people were talking about me, they were also getting closer to the crime.”
Sarah paused, letting it sink in that she orchestrated all of this. She used her position in the organization to become a whistleblower. She didn’t let me think long enough, though. She continued, “I know Isaac Thompson. I read every report he wrote, got a cheap thrill whenever he speculated who I was and what I was doing within the organization. That’s why he makes me uncomfortable. He thinks I’m this poor, sweet, victim of all this crime. I’m not. I am the crime. And I did it all so that I could save the girls in the end.”
“Can I turn on my recorder?” How did she know they were linked to human trafficking? How did a suburban girl end up in a crime family miles and miles away?
“No. I’ll give you your story. Be patient. Tell me about your life until Red gets here.”
I did. She listened, glancing at the door every time a security team member walked in or out.
Kieran finally burst in, panting as if she’d run all the way up the path. Sarah’s eyes lit up and a feline grin curled her lips. “Hello again, Red.”
“Hello, Sarah. Isaac wants to know if he can come in.”
Her eyes narrowed. “What do you think?” she asked Kieran, hat slinky smile still lingering across her lips.
“This is Isaac’s project. What he’s been working on for years. You should let him in.” Kieran said mater-of-factly.
“If you say so, let him come.” Sarah motioned to the loveseat next to her and after a few moments and pleasantries, we were all sitting and anxiously waiting for Sarah’s story. Isaac sat down next to me, the small couch forcing our legs and shoulders to touch.
“I just have one demand,” Sarah started, directly to Isaac. “When you write my story, the world should know I deserve whatever sentence they demand. I did terrible things. I sold my soul because I wanted to. No one forced me.”
“Your actions helped find and save an entire container of women. Your testimony could lead to the arrest and end of an entire mafia-style web of organized crime.”
Sarah scoffed, “This isn’t algebra. The end-game doesn’t cancel out the crimes.”
“Do you think you should be locked up?” Isaac’s voice was smooth and controlled. Somber.
“A jury might think so. They wouldn't be wrong.”
“You committed those crimes in order to save people—”
Sarah raised a hand, silencing us. “Don’t speak for me,” her tone was even and venomous. “I enjoyed it, the lifestyle. I made a lot of money. I ate the best food, slept in the best hotels around the world. And the whole time I knew what they were capable of. I fucked one of the most powerful oligarchs in Russia for years. And now, I’m going to bring him to his knees, and I hope the organization cuts off his head and makes him disappear. I am not a good person, Isaac Thompson. I would do it again, and again, and again just to see the look on Petrov’s face when he dies. But I’ll never get that, you know. I’m here, protected by the English, and I’m not going to be punished for my crimes.”
“Have you made a deal?”
“You could say that.” Sarah sniffed and curled her knees to her chest. “I’m not who you think I am. So, we have to paint a pretty picture together, yeah? To bring down the Seminoviks. But I don’t want my crimes erased. I’m no bloody martyr.”
We all looked at each other. Sarah had a secret.
Isaac’s phone rang out and we all jumped out of our skin, having been entranced by Sarah. He excused himself.
“You still haven’t given us a clear picture of how you came to know the Seminoviks. How you became a part of their inner circle.”
“I told you. I called my plug. I’m not saying anything else.”
This was the secret
. The piece that we needed to make her whole story make sense, but she wasn’t going to give it up. Maybe it would be revealed in the trial.
“This is all I’m going to say. I agreed to be Oleg’s little pet, and I learned everything I could. Then I set my sights higher up and pursued Petrov. How I came to know them? Just say I was a pretty druggie that they fell in love with.”
Isaac came back into the room. “I’m sorry Sarah, I have to cut this meeting short. I’ve got a family emergency.”
My stomach lurched to my throat. “Is it your mom?”
“You two stay with Sarah and—”
Sarah shocked all of us when she cut off Isaac. “No. It’s your project. You should hear my story from me.”
Gobsmacked, we all looked at each other. I rose from the couch and grabbed my bag. “I’m coming with you.”
“No.” He started for the door.
“I’ll stay with Sarah,” Kieran said, standing and motioning for me to go with him. “We can keep busy until you come back.”
CHAPTER 41
Isaac
“I’m coming. Kieran can hold down the fort until we get back.” Celeste opened the passenger’s side door and plopped into her seat, fastening her seatbelt without so much as a look in my direction. “I can help.” She demanded.
I fought the visceral urge to push her away and force her to stay and return to London with Kieran. But my mum was more important than my pride. I might need the extra set of hands.
We drove again in complete silence, even though I could feel Celeste’s pleas for me to slow down from the way she glanced at the speedometer and shifted uncomfortably in her seat. The highway melted into the winding country road I’d driven down hundreds of times. I slowed only when I reached the familiar wild English garden of my childhood home. Years I’d tended that greenery with my grandmother, and it appeared my mother had begun neglecting it recently. It was overgrown but not completely consumed by weeds and invasive vines. That gave me a good estimated timeline of perhaps two, maybe three weeks of a downward spiral.
See You Monday: An Office Romance (Weekday series Book 1) Page 27
