“Do you know how long before…?”
He couldn’t say the words and I wasn’t sure I could say them either.
“I don’t know. But I feel… Soon.”
The Changeling had stayed within me all this time—not alive, but in facsimile of life—only because the Fir Darrig was near. Now it was gone, and that meant the Changeling would fade from existence, as all such creatures did. Normally they did so in the crib they’d usurped, leaving poor parents to puzzle over where their baby had gone. I had the comfort of knowing, but I would have to lose the Changeling from inside me, and though I knew it wasn’t my baby, the thought still made my blood run cold. Only the presence of Sinjin was stopping me from losing it altogether.
“How about we go upstairs?”
I nodded.
In darker moments, when the fate of my daughter had been a complete mystery, I’d been unable to stop myself from wondering,
‘ what if? ’. And of course I’d wondered how things between Sinjin and I would be affected if the worst happened. Would intimacy between us ever be possible again? Would he cease to be as aroused by my body as he always had been if all he could see when he looked at me was loss? How would I be able to even think about sex, given the trauma it had led to?
I wasn’t sure where things were going now as we walked upstairs together. I didn’t think Sinjin knew either; it was just something we had to face. This wasn’t how I’d wanted us to return to our bedroom. There should have been a giddy teenage quality, like what Sinjin had described between Damek and Dayna. We should have run up the stairs, giggling like horny kids. We should have torn each other’s clothes off, thrown ourselves to the bed and…
But that wasn’t how things had worked out.
We undressed in silence. From the corner of my eye, I watched Sinjin shed his clothes, revealing the taut, muscular contours of his impressive physique. He was as attractive to me as he had always been. Maybe I felt wrong in looking at him like this, in
staring greedily at his body when all this was hanging over us, but at least the attraction was still there.
He removed his underwear, and I was actually relieved to see that, while he was as impressive as ever, he wasn’t aroused. When his eyes turned to me, I saw the heat that had always been there whenever he looked at my body, but it was now tempered with sadness. How could it not be? To all appearances, I was still pregnant. I was a visual reminder of what we’d lost.
I reached behind to undo my bra, but Sinjin was already there.
“Let me.” He spoke softly, and his fingers were gentle as he unclipped the bra and laid it to one side. Next he drew my panties down my legs, leaving us both naked. Standing behind me, he put his arms around me, drawing me to him, putting his protective hands on my belly. He could never understand what I was feeling, but he was determined to try and be there for me in this moment, and that meant the world to me.
We stood like that for a long time in a naked embrace. There was nothing sexual about the scene—more vulnerable than anything.
Gradually, we made our way to the bed, though I couldn’t afterwards remember how we’d got there.
Our positions remained the same; I was on my side with Sinjin behind me, cupping my body close to his. For the first time in my life, I felt fragile and in need of his protection. Even at the worst point in Luce’s camp, when the Daywalkers were sent to breed with me, I’d never felt like a victim. I’d held onto the knowledge that I was stronger than they were, better than they were, and they wouldn’t break me. But a victim was what I felt like now. I’d lost the most precious thing in my life even if my body hadn’t realized it yet.
But that was about to change.
“Oh…” I groaned.
“Bryn?” Sinjin was there with me, ever solicitous.
In the end, it wasn’t painful, or even uncomfortable in any physical sense. The Changeling was there inside me as it had been all this time, a surrogate for my daughter, and then with a shy tingling, it was gone, and I was empty.
My stomach contracted, almost as if the pressure of Sinjin’s hands was pressing it flat. My skin tightened as if I’d never been pregnant at all. All signs that there had ever been a baby within me were gone, and the void left behind seemed like a chasm.
I cried.
I’d known my baby was gone. I’d known the thing inside me wasn’t my baby and in fact wasn’t even real, just a creature of magic that had no life of its own. And yet, its presence had been some comfort to me. Maybe I’d even come to love the Changeling like a child’s blankie or a teddy bear. Or maybe it was just that; as long as the Changeling was inside me, then my body thought I was pregnant, and its chemistry acted that way. Now, suddenly, the
‘baby’ was gone, and for the first time, my body realized it.
Sinjin held me as I sobbed softly into the night, his body cool against mine. It was more than comfort, the way he held me was a promise, a promise that this was temporary, that he would make it right, and that our baby would be returned to us.
I couldn’t be sure how long I cried. The night seemed endless and yet, when my tears were exhausted, it was barely past midnight, and there were still hours of empty night ahead of us to endure.
We lay still a long while.
“Thank you,” I heard Sinjin whisper.
“What for?”
“For being so strong. I do not think I could have taken it without you there.”
Even for a sensitive like me, it was sometimes shocking to learn what was going on in other people’s minds. I’d thought he was the one being strong for me, helping me get through this. How remarkable it was to discover he felt the same way. How oddly wonderful it was to discover that tonight had been as devastating to him as it had been for me.
We were in this together, and never had I felt that more than at this very moment.
I rolled over to face him, putting my arms around his neck and kissing him on the mouth.
“I am the luckiest woman alive.”
“I am the luckiest vampire… undead.”
A confusion of thoughts and feelings ran riot in my mind and body. In a lot of ways, I didn’t know what I wanted right then, and yet instinct drew me one way. I guided Sinjin’s mouth to my neck.
“Please.”
Sinjin frowned. “I don’t know if now is the best time.”
“I want to be close to you. I want you to feed from me.”
He understood. I felt the comfort of his mind in mine, taking the pain away as he bit into me and my hot blood rushed into his mouth. He drank lightly, afraid of taking too much given what I’d been through. But I wanted more, and as he drank, I reached for him.
“Bryn?” His voice was thick with arousal.
“I need you.”
There was a look of relief in his eyes which let me know he needed me, too. Something had been taken from us, and no one else in the world could understand. We had only each other.
There had always been an extraordinary intimacy between Sinjin and me when we made love, going far beyond the purely physical, but tonight was special even by our standards. I felt as if we’d become one person. It was slow and gentle, and yet in its heat, we sought to burn away the pain of loss.
It was, in some ways, an act of two desperate lovers, reaching out for each other in the worst of all circumstances to quench an uncontrollable pain. And yet it was beautiful. For all that had happened that night, what Sinjin and I took away was the beauty of that moment, the happiness of being together again, and of our love restored.
In the post-coital afterglow, we laid together and smiled at each other. As long as we had each other, we would make this right.
TWENTY-SIX
Sinjin
To wake up once more with Bryn beside me was like a dream. So much had gone wrong that was still to be put right. I felt guilty about feeling as happy as I did waking up with her body cradled against mine. She was still sleeping, so I pulled the covers more snuggly around us both and put an arm over her, lettin
g her enjoy what would be a rare moment of rest. Her chest moved slow and regular as she breathed, and I found myself calmed as I watched.
Last night had been… Again I felt guilty at how wonderful it was.
We had been through a traumatic loss, and I was beyond grateful we had been there for each other. Our love-making had seemed like an affirmation of life (strange thing for a vampire to say!) and a promise to each other that we would get back what we had lost.
To both of us, it had seemed wrong at the start—something we had to do rather than something we should do. But swiftly, it had come to seem so very right, and I had enjoyed it as much as I always enjoyed being with Bryn. But it also felt as if something within us had been healed.
Bryn’s eyes flickered open.
“Good morning,” I smiled down at her.
She smiled back. “I can never decide if watching someone sleep is creepy or romantic.”
“I think it is romantic as long as you love the other person.”
We kissed, then Bryn exposed her neck to me. “We have a long journey ahead of us. You need blood.”
I kissed the skin of her neck, putting an influence upon her so she felt no pain, then bit. The taste of Bryn was something I had missed during my long African adventure. Mortal blood is what it is to a vampire—sustenance and no more. Bryn had always been different; her blood was special, and it gave me the ability to go out in daylight. But, at least for myself, there was still more to it; sharing her blood brought us closer.
“Alright?” I asked, as I pulled away from her neck.
“Ready to face the world,” replied my Hellion.
“Which world?” I asked.
#
Odran was the only choice to guide us through Faery. Not only did he know the realm well, but his position of authority would help us to navigate the squabbling factions that inhabited that unreal land. He could not just give orders—being a Fae king is, to a degree, an honorary position, as the Fae have little time for authority and hierarchy—but people respected him. Without Odran, we would be just a bunch of outsiders.
Bryn and I obviously were in attendance, and the remaining members of the expedition had been decided at yesterday’s meeting.
“Dureau?”
Chevalier looked up in surprise as I said his name. I was not certain if he was more surprised I was asking for his company or by the mere fact that I was using his first name.
“If you will allow me to accompany you, there is nowhere I would rather be,” he said.
Once again, his pompous language spoiled what might have been a nice moment. What mattered was Bryn and the baby; they came first. Which meant that, no matter my extreme distaste for the fop, I wanted him with us.
He was a passable fighter; he was a Fae and so knew something of the world into which we were heading, and he cared enough for
Bryn that, if I were killed, he would look after her. He would also die for her, although that might be too much to hope for.
“Klassje,” Bryn spoke, but it was a name on which we had both agreed.
In Faery, the vampiric restrictions of daylight meant nothing, and Klassje was a strong vampire whom I trusted. Plus, she could keep Dureau in check and prevent him from getting any ideas about my Tempest—I still thought he held a candle, for Bryn and Klassje would extinguish that candle the second he lit it.
“Am Ah tae be the only one without a partner tae keep me warm at night?” asked Odran, half-joking but also, I suspected, half-asking for a volunteer.
“That’s what you get for squandering your time with strange women who lure you down to the sea at night,” said Jolie, sternly.
“Ah feel Ah have paid for that already simply by havin’ bedded the man-lass,” grumbled Odran. He perked up a moment later.
“Well, never mind. Faery’s a fine place for an oonattached man in search o’ company.”
“We are looking for my child,” Bryn grated through gritted teeth,
“not trying to get you laid.”
“Och aye,” Odran back-pedaled furiously. “The bairn will be mah first priority. Boot the one doesnae have to exclude the other, if the opportunity should arise.” He cleared his throat. “An’ Ah am eager to remove the taste o’ man left over oopon me body.”
It was going to be an interesting trip.
#
On the morning of our departure, once Bryn and I had managed to pry ourselves from each other’s arms, I headed out early, as I had a stop to make before we left.
Damek answered the door, wearing just a pair of shorts.
“Not interrupting anything, am I?” I raised an eyebrow.
“Not right now,” said Damek cheerfully. “If you’d called half an hour earlier, then you would have been. And in another half hour, then we’d probably…”
“Thank you,” I held up a hand, needing no more details of the young man’s sex life than I had already gotten. Most unfortunately. “So glad you could spare me a moment of your time in between performances.”
“Hi Sinjin!” Dayna waved to me from inside. She had a sheet wrapped around her, and her hair was in wild disarray. “I’ll just put some clothes on.”
“If you would be so kind,” I said, dryly.
Inside, and with both my former companions dressed almost respectably, I addressed them. “It is not widely known yet, and I am not sure that it will become so, but I will shortly be leading an expedition into Faery to find mine and Bryn’s child.”
Damek was instantly on his feet. “We’ll pack. Thanks, Sinjin.”
“No.” I indicated for him to sit back down again. “The two of you will not be coming, and I felt obligated to explain why in person. You were both the best of companions in Africa.”
“I thought we annoyed the crap out of you,” said Dayna, again reminding me of my own dear Tempest.
“You did,” I acknowledged. “But, you were also loyal, brave, and uncomplaining. You saved my life, whether you know it or not. I do not think I could have succeeded in reaching Gaia without you.
Also, having you there ‘annoying the crap out of me’ did give me something to think about, other than Bryn and our baby, so even that worked out for the best.”
“Can’t we annoy you again this time?” asked Damek, sounding a little hurt.
“If anyone could, it would be you, Damek,” I said, putting a hand on his shoulder. “But you have done enough.”
“We don’t mind. We’re not tired.” Dayna was as raring to go as her boyfriend. “You could probably use a werewolf in Faery.”
“Perhaps, but they could also use one here,” I went on. “I have spoken to the Queen about the service you provided me and have spoken highly of you both. I have recommended that she use you if Kinloch Kirk should ever need protecting. That is the other reason I speak to you now.” I even surprised myself by how much trust I was willing to place in these youngsters. “The Fir Darrig, the creature that was the cause of all this, was employed by Luce. Luce’s plans failed, at least to some extent.”
“So we can expect another attack,” said Damek.
I nodded. “Luce will not let the grass grow under his feet. I hope the attack will not come before I return, but I have no idea how long this expedition will take. We are taking several of the settlement’s best warriors—Odran, Dureau, Klassje, Bryn, and of course myself—the loss of just me would be significant one, as I am certain you are already aware. You two are young, but you are strong. We, of the older generation, now need you to step up and take our place.”
The faces of the two young people lit up at the idea. “We won’t let you down, Sinjin.”
I wished they were not so excited by the prospect. They would probably be quite disappointed if Luce did not attack. But that was the way of youth. We had all been like that once—that enthusiastic, that gung-ho, that stupid. Long may it last.
I stood to take my leave. “Follow Jolie’s instructions, she is the wisest person I know. I trust I am leaving Kinloch Kirk in good han
ds.”
“Thank you, Sinjin.” Damek looked genuinely touched.
“Good luck,” added Dayna.
#
Bryn
While Sinjin went to speak to Damek and Dayna, I headed for the Daywalker encampment. It seemed like a lifetime ago that I’d been afraid to go near the place, and I wondered how they’d respond to me returning now, after everything that had taken place.
Whatever, I needed to make my peace before leaving.
“I don’t know what you’re apologizing for.” Adam shook his head.
“If I recall, I was the one threatening to kill you.”
I waved him off. “You didn’t know what you were doing.”
“None of us did. You were the only one strong enough to do the right thing. You saved everyone that night, Bryn; I hope you know that.”
“There were a lot of people who…”
Adam held up a hand to stop me. “Fine. You don’t want to take credit. Suit yourself. But that’s the second one we owe you.
Things have been pretty awful here recently, but we’d have been worse off under Luce—chances are we’d have been dead by now if we’d stayed with him.” He looked me in the eye, and his smile was tempered with sympathy. “I’m so sorry about your baby.”
Unconsciously, my hand went to my newly flattened stomach. “Well…
at least I know she’s safe. And I don’t think the Fir Darrig will harm her; it will keep her alive as a way to taunt us.”
“You haven’t made a friend there,” said Adam, ruefully.
“Friend’s like that I can do without.”
“He holds a lot of power in Faery. He may make your lives difficult when you go there.”
I laughed. “Difficult? Adam, that’s the most optimistic assessment of what we’ll face that I’ve heard yet. I would kill for difficult.”
Adam spread his hands. “Well, I’m here to make you feel better.”
I came to the other reason I was here—the same reason Sinjin had gone to see Damek and Dayna. “You know that things may be
‘difficult’ here as well while we’re gone?”
The Changeling Page 22
