by Marie Hall
Xavier again lifted the thick letter he'd penned to the King. He needed to send it. Gerald told him to ask the king where Io's mother was buried. But his own cowardice kept him from sending it. He didn't want to tell the king Io was lost, possibly dead. And he didn't want to tell him not because he feared the reprisals. No those he'd welcome. What he truly feared was the king would simply declare Io dead. That she'd be officially gone from this world and from him with one short royal decree. There would be no more allowances for the search. Xavier couldn't risk that happening. He'd find his wife. He'd find her and if she was no longer alive when he did, then he could enjoy looking up at her in heaven from his place in hell.
"My lord," Thomas yelled bursting through the door. "My lord, riders approach and there is a woman with them." The squire didn't even wait for Xavier to grasp the words; he was gone, racing back down the hall.
Dropping the letter and sending up a prayer, Xavier gave chase. He caught up to Thomas in the yards as four riders came through. Three men and a woman, but not Io. Xavier saw the squire hug himself in disappointment and fall to his knees on the ground. When he turned his eyes back to the riders, a struggle was ensuing as the woman, Sarah, struggled to get free of Seth's hold. She managed to shake off the man and was rushing towards Xavier full speed.
"What did you do?" she screamed as she collided against Xavier's chest and began pounding her fists on him. "You son of a whoring bitch, what did you do to her? What did you do?"
"Sarah." Lucas made several attempts to pull her away, each ending with one of the girl's fists landing solidly on some part of his face. "Sarah, enough. Enough." Lucas finally got his arms around her and dragged her back. They toppled to the ground and still Sarah fought and screamed.
Seth joined in, and between him and Lucas, they managed to subdue Sarah enough Xavier might hear what they had to say. The large crowd that gathered now stood in anticipation. Io hadn't ridden in with them but still she might be following behind and a slower pace. Hope, it was all anyone of them had now and it was crushed with the first words from Seth's mouth.
"Is Io here, my lord? Safe?"
"She is not with you?" Xavier still needed to hope. Seth's head started shaking in the negative and the breath left Xavier's lungs.
"Sarah found a letter Io placed in her belongings." Lucas now was struggling to hold up his weeping sister, who must have been hoping Io was home as strongly as Xavier hoped Io was with Sarah. "My lord, it read like… like she might be… that she intended to do herself harm." Lucas nearly whispered the last.
"She would not," Sarah screamed shaking her head back and forth violently. "Io would not. She would not."
"You have the letter?" Mark stepped up and held out his hand.
Lucas reached into his tunic and withdrew the letter. Folded it was thick. Io wrote a great deal to Sarah it seemed and Xavier again felt hope flare. Somewhere on those pages Io might have said something about where she was going.
"That is my letter," Sarah snarled and snatched it away before her brother could hand it over. "She wrote to me. She wrote to me." She was clutching the letter to her chest like she might a precious child.
"Sarah, they need to know what Io wrote. They need to know so we can find her and bring her home." Seth soothed and reached to take it from her.
"Bring her home? Home? To what home? He gave everything to that bitch. He stripped Io of everything including her home." Sarah twisted out of reach and glared at Xavier.
"Mistress Sarah," Mark started in the tone Xavier heard him use when he wanted to get someone one talking. "You came here to find Io, did you not? You knew she wouldn't be here by the letter. You know, too, the letter will tell you where she is. Please, mistress, what does it say? Tell me or let me read it." Again he held out his hand but Sarah still refused to hand it over. Mark wasn't dissuaded at all. "At least tell us what she wrote that concerned you so you felt you needed to come back here to see if Io was safe. Come, she is your friend. You must want us to help her."
Xavier watched as Sarah's entire posture shifted. The angry, defensiveness lifted and the distrust slipped from her eyes. He saw her swallow, then brush hastily at her eyes and wipe her nose before giving herself a shake. Her eyes went back and forth between the men standing before her and then dropped to the letter she still clutched. Ever so slowly her gripped relaxed and after a shuddering breath she unfolded the pages.
"The first pages she only says she is sorry for the way she sent me away," Sarah sniffed and put the first page behind the last. "She said she feared for my safety and she would be grateful always for the privilege of my friendship," her voice cracked and she slipped the second page to the back. "But then she says she can no longer bear to hold down the man who at least tried to do right by her. Men need good wives, of good breeding and with fine manners." Her eyes lifted to Xavier and he felt the condemnation. "And then she said this: I have often hated my life, the cruel moments that brought me to my knees but before there was always hope. I came to him with the hope my life would someday be less a struggle. I no longer even have hope.
Perhaps I stopped belonging in this world long ago. Perhaps it was a mistake on the part of God to allow me to live on. I know not what lies ahead. I know not what might be. I know only I cannot simply let it come. I must go out and meet it. I must face it on my own, that no other might feel the weight of my burden. I must know if I have reason at all to remain. If I have any purpose left or even the strength to serve it.
I will let the lights of heaven guide me forward, Sarah. Perhaps I might discover a simple truth that I can trust. Perhaps I will seek out the great waters. Is the sea truly salty? For if it is the truth, the waters might help hide these tears which I can no longer hold back. I am drowning, Sarah, in flood, a raging river of tears that will not dry, no matter how brutal the heat that bears down on me. And if I am to be washed away, let it be into the vast ocean that no one might tell where the waters came from. I should rather it be in the waves of the ocean that people might speak only of a sad tragedy, a swimmer no longer able to reach shore or keep her head up. If I slip beneath the waters, I will not be remembered the fool who hoped for things she could not have. But if I wait, if I stand on this rocky shore, I will drown all the same. I will drown in tears and be remembered only as a pathetic woman who was never needed or wanted, only forced on others.
I shall take myself to a place of my choice. What waits there I do not care; it must be better than what is left behind, and if it is not, then it could not be worse.
I would wish for you to think of me sometimes. To smile when you do. But should I fade in your memory, know I will not think less of you. And know you shall not ever fade from mine, for that is a curse laid upon me for the sins of my life…"
Sarah stopped reading and refolded the letter. "She only again says that she was sorry for the way we parted and asks me to look after my brother and Seth. This time when Mark held his hand out for the letter, Sarah handed it to him.
What was left for him to learn from it Xavier couldn't think. Io lost hope. The one thing she'd always claimed as hers. And with the loss of hope by her, Xavier's own faded. His own death couldn't come soon enough. How he went from standing in the yards to standing in his chambers he couldn't recall. Despair and rage warred, rage won over and lifting the ornate chair he sent it crashing against the wall. The small table next to the chair went flying into the hearth upsetting the logs. One rolled out and the rug caught fire. Xavier left it to burn. The entire house could burn down, he wouldn't care. He crossed to the table where he'd once been trying to figure out who was after his wife. With no effort he flipped it completely over, papers and inkwells went everywhere. The table leg snapped and spun across the floor to the far corner. Xavier took fistfuls of the leather and cloth covering over the windows and yanked them from the walls. The ends trailed to the floor where the rug was in flames and they too caught fire. The oils used to make them resistant to the rain made them extremely flammable and the ro
om soon filled with smoke.
"Get water on these," someone said behind him, but Xavier was too busy kicking over a stack of trunks. He headed towards the pile of fabrics he'd purchased. He'd thought Io took some to make into dresses. The silk was missing as were some of the richer brocades. He'd some hope when he first noticed them gone that Io was coming around. It was just another false hope. Xavier reached for the first bolt only to be grabbed by the shirt and jerked backwards out of the way of the servants who were beating out the flames.
"What are you doing?" Gerald continued to pull him away from the activity.
"Get off me," Xavier yelled and struggled to get away and stop those who'd stop the fire before it could take hold. "Get off. Let it burn. Let it all burn."
"Xavier, stop," Gerald said close to his ear. "Stop."
"What is it without her?" Xavier watched the last of the flames being snuffed. And while the servant might have been stomping the rug, it might have been his heart the way he felt. "What is any of this without Io? Just let it burn to the ground." His legs weakened and he dropped to the floor. Pulling up his knees he set his elbows on them then put his head in his hands.
"Out," Mark ordered. "Take that out with you. Go now. Move your arse." Xavier heard the scuffling and the door slam but he didn't look up until a boot kicked him hard in the thigh.
"Get off your arse," Jon told him. When Xavier only shook his head, Jon's boot landed again. "Get off your arse, this is not over. We will find Io."
"She is gone. I lost her." Xavier put his head back in his hands.
"Why do you have this?" Ian called from the far corner. Xavier glanced sideways to see him standing with the table leg in one hand and Io's writing set in the other. He set the leg down and pulled on the sheet of parchment sticking out from under the lid.
"What is it?" Gerald asked, putting his hands under Xavier's arms and forcing him to his feet.
"A note from Io," Ian said, setting the delicately carved case down and unlatching the lid. "It says see everyone gets theirs and please do not give her this set."
Xavier stepped over as the man carefully removed the well-kept supplies. Under a few left over sheets of parchment was a bundle of letters tied with ribbon. Ian lifted them out and untied them.
"Gerald," Ian called holding out one of the letters to him. "Mark." The man stepped up and took the one addressed to him. "Jon." The letter was handed over. "Lucas, Seth." Both men took their respective notes. "This is for me and this," Ian said turning the very thin letter over then back, "this is for you."
Xavier took the folded sheet sealed with Io's own stamp in the wax. He stared at it for a long while as the others went to reading what she'd written to them. The silence dragged on broken only when one of the men shuffled across the floor or mumbled something about what they read.
"I cannot tell," Ian said, lifting his letter for the others to see. "It sounds like she is saying farewell but not like she meant it forever."
"There is an air of it in mine too, but its more she seems resigned to Xavier taking a new bride. She says I should help her because she does not manage the people well," Mark said. "She said I should advise her in how she might better speak to them."
"She asks me to help with the finishing the project in Haganshire?" Jon looked toward Xavier. "Did she actually start building an aqueduct?" he chuckled.
"She built it; it is finished I thought," Xavier answered. He'd not actually given the little water channel a good inspection that day. The impressiveness of the construction not a concern of his then. Maybe in that was the reason behind Io's dissatisfaction. Maybe he didn't take her accomplishments, her work and dedication to the house and lands seriously enough. Maybe it was easy to simply let Io handle all matters while he only engaged in keeping his soldiers and knights well trained.
"I wondered as her last letter to me inquired if I knew how to make water move uphill. I do not suppose she found a way." Jon chuckled again.
"I do not know." Xavier shrugged.
"Well, my letter is mostly about taking care of Sarah." Lucas told them.
"Mine as well," Seth said sadly. "What did she write to you?"
Xavier hadn't even broken the seal. The stamp in the blue wax mocked him. An ''I" laid over an "X" and "B" circled by a '"D." He recalled now the day she stood describing what she wanted her stamp to look like to the man who would create it. She'd looked to him for approval and he said he thought it very fine. But he'd not looked hard, his eyes were on a selection of hides waiting to be made into protective sheaths for weapons.
Had she tried to show him she was content with their union in her design? Did he miss a chance to reaffirm his commitment in that moment? What other moments had he missed?
"Xavier?" Mark called him back to the present. "What does she say in your letter?"
Xavier sighed, broke the seal, unfolded it and stared at the paper in his hands. And he continued to stare as a sharp pain grew in his chest.
"Xavier, what did she write?" Gerald prompted.
Xavier shook his head and blinked at the burning in his eyes.
"Xavier?"
"Nothing, she said nothing. She wrote nothing." He lifted the paper so they could see the emptiness. She'd not so much as signed her name. No words at all, not a curse or a condemnation. Just a blank page.
"I do not understand?" Seth said as he looked from his letter to Xavier's. "Why would she give you just a sheet of paper?"
"Perhaps she is saying she said everything she had to say," Lucas supplied. "She had stopped speaking to pretty much everyone."
"What does it matter? She is gone," Xavier said and turned and headed towards the bedchambers. He stopped at the doors. The thought of going in without Io nauseated him.
"What was she doing in the days before she left?" Gerald asked.
"I am not sure. She stopped doing most all her duties and kept mostly to herself. Sarah or Kate might have a better idea," Lucas said and turned to go get his sister.
"What does it matter? She is gone. We have already looked everywhere. Unless someone says they have seen her…" Xavier turned from the doors and headed, out of habit, to the spot the chair he'd been sleeping in sat. Only that chair was in pieces against the wall so he turned again and took a seat at the window.
"Because Io planned all of this. She didn't wake up and decide to flee. She put all this together, everything from the letter she left for her maid to find, to the letters to each of us. These are not words she put down in a rush, they are heartfelt and specific to each of us." Gerald crossed the room and snatched the blank sheet from Xavier's hand. Waving it in the air in Xavier's face, he went on. "Even with her choice to say nothing more to you. Io could not have made her plans completely without notice. She did things. Perhaps no one thing that stood out, but she left us clues. I believe that with everything I am. I believe that because everything I know about Io tells me she didn't do this without thought and very careful considerations. So what she did in the days before will tell us where she went."
"Well, Sarah will not know," Seth said, defeat in his voice. "She was gone for weeks with us at the festival."
"No," Xavier shouted and stood. "No, you are correct she was at the festival and Io was supposed to be there as well. Io packed her belongings for that trip; she had them loaded. She intended to travel away at that time, but then she was distracted. The goat maybe. And I was led to think she didn't want to come. But what if she'd planned first to run then. She would know we might think her lost in the crowd or off with one group or another. She could have thought to find someone who would carry her away."
"Why didn't she run then while we were all gone?" Seth asked.
Xavier could only shake his head; it was the perfect opportunity for her to go. She had less people to keep a watch on her, it'd take days for word to reach him she was gone. "I do not know." Xavier rubbed at his temple. "Maybe something happened with one of the people and she felt she needed to stay. Maybe something like the mine collapse
. She did put some effort into the last celebration." He realized he was talking to himself as none of the others had been there for the event which distracted him enough to allow Io a clean escape.
He was still trying to work it out in his head when Lucas came back in. "Xavier you need to come with me."
"What is it?" Xavier's long strides carried him across the room quickly.
"Sarah said Io had spent a good deal of time with your scribe in the days before we left. But the man will not speak with me. He said Lady Charlotte forbade him from doing anything to help Io. He will not say what she wanted help with."
"Damn that woman," Jon bellowed. "Is this how it has been in this house for Io? That she cannot even have the basic courtesies of those who serve here? Who is this scribe that he would deny your wife?" He stopped his angry march down the corridors to turn and point back at Xavier. "Anything?"
"Move on," Mark said forcing Jon back around and shoving him down the hall. "It is not the issue to contend with at the moment"
The six men pushed into the scribe's chambers. Xavier made his way to the front to address the man directly. "Lady Io asked you for your service? What did she request of you?"
"Sir, I…" The man's eyes darted around, maybe searching for an escape.
"What did she want?" Xavier bellowed.
"To use the maps my lord, but I swear I made her keep them in here. I did not let her have them." He held out his arm in a protective gesture, like he was still preventing anyone from taking one of the maps.
"Which maps did she wish to see?" Gerald asked crossing to the piles of rolled skins and parchments. Xavier had a good collection of well-detailed maps. He often hired a skilled cartographer and Lucas's skill often worked well if one couldn't be found.
