Rae dusted something that looked like glitter off her arms. “We’ve got food. And wine. I, for one, will be having some wine.”
“Yeah.” Gabe jerked his chin up. “I’ll take some, too.”
They gathered around the table, filling up glasses and small plates. It was nearly one in the morning, and the candles and music made Aubrey feel delirious. Like she was at a dinner-party scene in some gothic story. Like she was waiting for a dark and awful truth to be revealed. Clara was the only one even remotely dressed for a party. Rae was still wearing her usual grungy clothes, but it looked like she’d borrowed some of Clara’s red lipstick. Which made no sense. Rae never wore lipstick.
They each took a seat at the table.
“Jonah.” Clara picked at the food on her plate. “Wow. I can’t believe you’re back.”
“I know,” he said. “Sorry I didn’t tell you earlier. But Aubrey and I booked the apartment together, so I had this e-mail from the landlord with the building’s key code in it. And the door was unlocked.” He bit into a cheese cracker.
Gabe drank his wine at an alarming rate.
“So.” Rae shifted in her chair. “How was—like—Europe?”
“Europe?” he asked. “As in the entire continent?”
“Yeah, you’ve still got your Eurail pass, right? I assume you’ve been traveling around.”
“Which is completely unfair.” Clara jumped in. “Girls can’t go backpacking alone without everyone telling them how dangerous it is. Sexism is such trash.”
“Actually,” Jonah said, “I didn’t go anywhere new.”
“Oh?” Rae said. “What did you do, then? Bum around on trains or something?”
“No,” he said. “I pretty much just hung out with Leah.”
Everyone went silent. Aubrey grabbed the wine bottle from the middle of the table and poured as much into her glass as would fit. She’d had red wine with her parents before, small glasses at Christmas and New Year’s, but it tasted different in large gulps. More like syrup.
“You did?” Clara said.
“I took the first train I saw going back to Amsterdam. I didn’t know if I’d stick around or what, but when I called Leah, she said I could crash at her place.”
“Hmm.” Clara cut an urgent look at Rae, who crammed three potato chips into her mouth at once. Aubrey could see them calculating, trying to figure out how to respond. They both knew her big fight with Jonah had been partially about Leah. But they didn’t know what had happened after that. They didn’t know about her kiss with Gabe or about Rome or about the fact that, a few short minutes ago, she hadn’t really minded that Jonah was gone. That she didn’t even care he’d been to see Leah.
Not really, anyway.
Rae finished chewing. “And you just stayed there? In Amsterdam?”
Jonah shrugged. “I saw Leah’s show a few times. And we went out to some bars with the people she’s been working with. They’re all professional actors. It was pretty rad.”
“Oh man,” Rae said. “That sounds… rad.”
“Definitely,” Gabe said. Beneath the table, Aubrey felt his feet move forward, the ends of his shoes touching the ends of hers. Her muscles relaxed. She pressed his shoes back.
“What about you guys?” Jonah asked. “How was Prague?”
“It was fun,” Clara said. “Very… European!”
“We walked around,” Rae said. “Saw a weird clock and shit.”
Jonah snorted. “And that’s all you two did?”
Abruptly, Rae pushed her chair back and stood up. “Hey, isn’t this a party? Why aren’t we doing party things?”
“Eating is a party thing.” Aubrey broke one of her crackers in half.
“No, she’s right.” Clara stood, too. “We’re not supposed to sit around all night.”
“I want to keep talking, though,” Jonah said, his eyes moving quickly to Aubrey and then away again. “Why don’t we play a game?”
“Dude,” Rae said. “That’s a terrible idea.”
“No, no, it’s good—I promise.” He picked up a bottle of wine from the center of the table. “And it’s a really easy one. Leah and I played it every night.”
“Like I said.” Rae stared at him hard. “A really terrible idea.”
Jonah ignored her, and Aubrey got the distinct feeling he was set on doing this. Maybe he was trying to make her jealous. That didn’t seem like Jonah, but then again, this whole night was beyond strange. Anything was possible. “Let’s sit on the floor,” he said. “This feels too formal.”
He headed into the living room, and since no one seemed to know what else to do, they followed. They sat in a circle on the rug, Gabe sifting through a pile of nearby cassettes and Rae chewing her thumbnail. All the windows and shutters were open. The candles had started to burn low, flames shaking in the breeze that wafted inside.
The apartment was a little bit cold and sort of spooky at night. Every time one of them moved, the hardwood floors rasped and whimpered. For the first time all day, Aubrey wished she had a sweater.
“Okay.” Jonah placed the wine in the center of the circle. “This game is called Truth or Drink.”
“Gee.” Rae tapped at her chin. “I wonder how you play that?”
Jonah grinned. “Told you it was easy. So, everyone takes a turn. You ask the person next to you a question—any question you want—and they either answer truthfully or they take a drink.”
Clara smoothed her skirt around her knees. “What direction should we go in?”
Gabe got up, taking a cassette with him to the boom box. Aubrey watched him slip from candlelit glow to candlelit glow.
“It doesn’t matter,” Jonah said. “Whichever way you want. Why don’t you start?”
Clara was sitting between Jonah and Rae. She glanced at each of them, considering thoughtfully before angling herself toward Rae. “Okay,” she said. “My question for you is this: Out of me, Jonah, and Gabe, who would you marry, who would you screw, and who would you kill?”
“Oh Christ!” Rae said. “I hate that question!”
Clara’s expression went sly. “You can always take a drink.”
“Ugh, you win.” Rae looped one of the tassels on the rug around her index finger. “I guess I’d screw Gabe, because—I don’t know—he thinks ‘Dig Me Out’ is the best Sleater-Kinney song. Which means I’d have to kill Jonah and marry… youIguess.”
Clara dropped her head, but Aubrey could see her beaming.
“Thanks,” Jonah said.
“Sorry.” Rae looked at him over Clara. “Guess you’re the disposable one here.”
All the air seemed to leave the room. Rae must have realized what she’d said, because she made a face and scrubbed her curls away from her forehead. Jonah focused intently on the contents of his glass. Gabe pressed play on the boom box, and the song that floated out was the same one he and Aubrey had listened to in the record shop that afternoon. It was like oxygen. It was a quiet message he was sending only to her. Something to make her feel okay.
“Anyway,” Rae said. “My turn.”
Gabe came back and took his place next to Aubrey again. He didn’t smile or even look in her direction, but when he placed his hand on the ground next to her, she knew what it meant. He was saying everything would be fine; he was reminding her that he was there.
“Aubrey,” Rae said, “I guess I’m supposed to ask you. So—um—where did you guys go today?”
But Aubrey wasn’t really paying attention. She was listening to the song. She was remembering the rainy streets of Rome and the colors of all those albums that had been laid out in front of her. “Rome,” she said.
“Rome?” Clara said. “Hold on a second. What were you doing in Rome?”
“Just—” Aubrey hitched up one shoulder. “Seeing it.”
“You never told us you were going there.” Clara sounded genuinely baffled.
“I know. And I get that we should have, but it’s not like you and Rae said anything about wha
t you were doing today.”
“Ha,” Jonah said. “Do you really want details?”
The candle closest to her burned out, smoke unwinding from its wick. Aubrey sipped more wine. “Why would I not want details?”
“Because.” Jonah leaned back on his hands. “How much do you really want to know about them making out?”
Aubrey was sure she must have misheard.
Or maybe Jonah was making some joke she didn’t understand.
Rae groaned, collapsing onto the floor. “I knew this game was a bad idea.”
“We need more wine!” Clara leaped up to grab another bottle.
Gabe whistled under his breath. “This is definitely not how I expected tonight would go.”
It wasn’t how Aubrey had expected it would go, either. In fact, nothing about this day—or this week or this entire mess of a summer—was what Aubrey had planned it to be. She looked at Rae. “You and Clara kissed?”
“I don’t know.” Rae was still lying down. “Are you asking me as part of the game?”
“Jesus! Is that seriously what matters right now?” But when Rae didn’t answer, Aubrey got flustered. “Fine, whatever! I’m asking you as part of the stupid game. Truth or Drink, Rae: Did you and Clara kiss?”
Rae sat up and picked some wax off the floor at the edge of the rug. Then she took her glass of wine and downed it in one swallow.
Aubrey’s skin prickled. “Oh my God. Why are you being such a bitch right now?”
“Not sure. Why are you calling me a word that I hate?”
Jonah seemed dumbstruck. “Since when do you guys talk to each other like this?”
“Since you left,” they said together.
“Which was when?” he asked. “Thirty years ago?”
“It might as well have been,” Aubrey muttered. She knew she sounded angry, but she couldn’t help it. She was worn thin. Her mouth was sticky with alcohol and her head pounded from heat and dehydration. The song from the record store was still playing, but Aubrey could barely hear it now. Her ears had started to ring.
“You know what?” Gabe said. “We’ve got to get up early tomorrow. Why don’t we go to bed? We’re all way too tired for this.”
“I’m not tired,” Aubrey said. But she was. She was so tired she felt a little drunk. And Gabe was right—they needed to stop and sleep this off. But she really didn’t want to. They were all here now. They might as well start being honest with one another. “We should finish the game,” she said.
“Sorry, Aubs,” Jonah said. “The game’s over.”
“No, it isn’t.” Aubrey picked up the open bottle Clara had just brought over and thrust it toward Jonah. “Truth or Drink, Jonah: What were you really doing in Amsterdam? Did you go there to make out with Leah?”
“Aubrey,” Clara hissed.
Aubrey’s arm was still extended, hand still gripping the bottle’s neck. She and Jonah were looking at each other, fully, for the first time since he’d come back. “That’s why you wanted to play this game, right?” she said. “You wanted me to ask that question. You wanted to find out how much it bothered me. How desperate I was to know.”
“You’re making me sound like a psychopath.”
“I know you, Jonah. And I asked you a question, so you have to respond.”
Jonah crossed his arms. “Okay. We kissed. But I don’t see why you care so much when you’ve clearly been doing the same with Gabe all day.”
Aubrey dropped the bottle. Dark liquid pooled like blood, seeping into the rug.
Rae and Clara shot up and ran into the kitchen to grab paper towels. Aubrey stood, too. The wine had splashed onto her clothes. It dripped from her knees.
“I’ll help,” she said, tears clouding her eyes.
But Clara and Rae were already wiping it up. Gabe took a few paper towels and did the same. There was no way they’d be able to get the stain out. The landlord would contact them, and Aubrey would have to pay for a new rug, and since she didn’t have enough money, her parents would have to lend it to her. Everyone would think she was so irresponsible.
The night air swept through the room, snuffing out more candles. The leaves on the plant in the corner quivered. The five of them were still there, still in a circle, but they were doing their best to avoid one another. Except for Clara and Rae, who, Aubrey noticed, were crouched close together. So close it was like they were trying to block everyone else out. They were taking care of each other.
And suddenly, Aubrey understood why Rae looked like she was wearing lipstick.
“Wait,” Clara said after a moment, sitting up on her knees. “Jonah. What did you mean about Aubrey and Gabe?”
“Didn’t she tell you guys?” Jonah asked. “They kissed on the train in Berlin. Right before I left.”
“Berlin?” Rae directed this at Aubrey.
“And in Prague,” Aubrey said.
“And somewhere between Rome and Florence.” Gabe sighed. “Since we’re being so truthful all of a sudden.”
Jonah massaged the sides of his head. He seemed drained now, like the day was catching up with him. Like he needed to sleep. “Leah told me I should come back,” he said. “She told me I should let you know that—it’s okay what happened. I mean, it wasn’t the best fucking moment of my life or anything, but it makes sense. Us breaking up. We probably wouldn’t have lasted anyway, right?”
Aubrey felt the room tipping out from under her. Jonah hadn’t come here to pick a fight or make her feel guilty. He was here because he was fine with what had happened. Because he was already over it. It made her feel relieved and unnerved and so confused. She couldn’t believe what was happening right here—in this dim room on this dim night. She couldn’t believe that the strings that held them together were snapping apart. She and Jonah were officially over. She and Rae were barely being civil to each other.
The five of them didn’t fit together anymore.
She took a paper towel and started wiping at the carpet. “I’m so sorry about the mess,” she said. “Please let me clean it before I go.”
“Go where?” Rae said.
“Bryce?” Gabe said. And in his voice, she heard the questions he was really asking. Are you okay? What can I do to make this better? He was solid and real and as comforting as the music he’d always played for her.
But Aubrey knew the truth now—just because something was comforting didn’t mean it was forever.
28
Rae
Monday, July 11
FLORENCE
Aubrey!” Rae walked in as Aubrey grabbed an armful of clothes and threw them on her bed. Her backpack lay open across the pillows.
Rae didn’t know why her brain picked now, of all moments, to realize this, but Aubrey must have bought the bag especially for this trip. It was bright and sturdy and clearly brand-new. Unlike Rae’s, which she’d dragged around for years. Rae could picture it now: Aubrey at a store, trying out new backpacks; Aubrey sitting at her computer, looking up which ones were the most comfortable and the best for train travel. She really had put so many hours of thought and work into this trip.
Rae closed the door. “Aubrey,” she said again, “stop. What are you doing?”
“I’m leaving.” Aubrey tossed an olive-green tank top onto her clothes heap.
“It’s two in the morning. There aren’t any trains leaving now.”
“So I’ll go to the station and wait until there is one.”
Rae held up both hands. “Remember the last night we were in London? When you said you were worried about being axe-murdered? Doesn’t spending all night in an abandoned train station seem like a pretty decent way of making that happen?”
Aubrey looked under the bed, pulling out a few pairs of socks and underwear. “I’m not going to get murdered. That wasn’t an actual worry.”
“Dude, of course it was. And now I’m worried about it for you. Plus, you can’t just leave like this. You can’t pull a Jonah on us.”
“I’m not pulling a J
onah. I’m not going to make out with Leah in Amsterdam.”
Rae pretended to gag. “That is so not an image I wanted in my head.”
Aubrey yanked at the zipper on her bag. Rae had to think fast. It was obvious she and Aubrey weren’t on great terms, but that didn’t mean Rae thought she should leave. Leaving was so extreme. And impulsive. It wasn’t what Aubrey deserved after everything she’d done to get them all here.
Rae’s eye snagged on the nightstand, where Aubrey’s passport sat by a bottle of Clara’s perfume. She grabbed it and held it over her head. “There!” she said. “You can’t go anywhere without this.”
“Rae.” Aubrey scowled. “Stop being a child.”
“I’m not.” Rae stretched her arm farther, keeping the passport out of Aubrey’s reach. “I just want to talk to you for a minute.”
Aubrey let go of the zipper and crossed her arms. “Fine. Let’s talk.”
Rae shifted the passport behind her and backed up against the door, just in case. “What’s this all about? Is it because of Jonah and Leah?”
“Of course not.” Aubrey nudged a flip-flop across the floor with her toe. “I don’t give a crap about Leah.”
“But Jonah must have something to do with this. Are you mad at him for leaving? Or for coming back? Or is it like a Venn diagram of those two things? Come on, Aubs. Talk me through it.” Her hands were starting to go numb from being squished behind her, but there was no way she was giving in. Seeing Aubrey getting ready to run off had freaked her out. It had made her wonder if tonight was the last chance they would have to get their relationship right.
“I’m upset about Jonah,” Aubrey admitted. “He doesn’t want to be my boyfriend anymore, which is good news, because I don’t want to be his girlfriend, either. But that basically means we’ve been lying to each other for months. Everyone’s been lying to everyone. Including you.”
Rae exhaled through her nose. “What did I do?”
“You didn’t tell me about Clara.”
“Oh.” Rae’s arms slackened a little. “Yeah, I did do that.”
Aubrey rubbed her eyes with the heels of her hands. “You’re in love with one of our best friends, and you kept that from me for how long? Days? Months? Years?”
The Summer of Us Page 19
