by Jae
Once everyone had finished eating, Diane stacked the empty plates. When Rae rose to help, Steph’s mother waved her back down. “You cooked. We’ll clean the kitchen. Steph will stay and keep you company.”
As the rest of the family cleared out, Steph and Rae sank back onto their chairs and looked at each other.
Rae’s gaze veered away. Should she say something? Talk about what had happened…or nearly happened…earlier? But she had no idea how to approach that conversation. Would Steph even think it was worth mentioning? With her more casual approach to her love life, a simple kiss might not mean as much to her as it did to Rae.
What would it have meant? Steph was a good-looking woman; Rae had known that from their very first meeting. Still it had been relatively easy to ignore the short flashes of attraction she felt when Steph was close or paraded around the apartment in one of her spaghetti strap tops. But this…this bond that was growing between them…that was more than physical attraction, wasn’t it? It also wasn’t nearly as easy to ignore. That kiss would have meant something—at least to her.
Finally, it was Steph who was brave enough to break the silence. “How are you doing with all this?” She waved her hand in a vague gesture.
“I’m…” Rae bit off the rest of the sentence before the habitual fine could slip out. No, she wasn’t fine, and Steph deserved to know that. “I’m not sure. It’s all a little jumbled.” She tapped her head, then, after hesitating for a second, her chest. “A lot jumbled actually.” That was as much as she was willing to say. Even that felt as if she was making herself much too vulnerable, and the only reason she had said it at all was because Steph was still Team Rae. Whatever happened, she trusted that Steph wouldn’t hurt her, at least not on purpose.
Steph put her hand on top of Rae’s and clutched it tightly. “You didn’t hurt yourself, did you?”
“Hurt myself?” Rae slid her chair around to be able to study Steph’s expression more fully. What was she talking about?
“Earlier.” Steph pointed in the direction of the kitchen. “When you crashed into the stove.”
Oh. Was that what Steph had been talking about? The little episode in the kitchen, when Diane had stepped up to her from the left? Rae bit her lip. “I’m fine.”
“What did you…? Oh!” Steph’s eyes widened. “You thought I was talking about—”
“All done.” Diane returned to the dining room along with the rest of the family, dusting off her hands as if they had gotten dirty. “Let’s go over to the den and open the presents before Stephanie and Rae have to head out.”
Rae didn’t know whether to be glad or disappointed at being interrupted.
Steph again hooked her arm through Rae’s left one, protecting her from knocking over any of the expensive decorations as they followed Diane into the den.
Rae instantly decided that this was her favorite room in the house. Two large bay windows extended out of the wall, letting in plenty of sunlight and offering a panoramic view of the garden and the sparkling pool. Cozy window seats curved along the three panels of each window. A stone fireplace gave the room a relaxing feel, and a fully decorated Christmas tree twinkled in one corner.
Carefully, Rae moved aside one of the silk throw pillows and sat on one of the window seats next to Steph. The curved shape of the seat naturally made them sit close, and Rae was overly aware of the way Steph’s shoulder rested against her own.
“Don’t get too comfortable, Stephanie,” Diane said. “Handing out the presents has always been your job.”
Grumbling, Steph heaved herself up. Her hand brushed Rae’s shoulder. She made quick work of handing out the Christmas gifts, as if she couldn’t wait to be back at Rae’s side.
When Steph was done, Rae stared down at her lap full of wrapped packages. She hadn’t expected this. Good thing she had gone shopping yesterday and hadn’t been too proud to ask for advice from the salesladies. She had bought two bottles of red wine for Steph’s parents, and as soon as they unwrapped them, they were already debating which one to open later. Claire instantly put on the turquoise silk scarf that matched the frame of her glasses, and Lana let out an enthusiastic squeal at discovering the Peppermint Pigs in her package.
Steph leaned even closer. “Wow, Rae. You did great.” Her breath tickled Rae’s ear.
“Really?”
“Yes! Look!” Steph pointed at Lana, who swung the little hammer and then playfully fed Claire a piece of the Peppermint Pig. “They love their presents.”
“What about you?” Rae asked quietly and nodded down at the unopened gift on Steph’s lap.
Steph had unwrapped her other presents—an I’m a comedian, what’s your superpower? T-shirt from Lana, a silk robe and an envelope with some money from her parents, and a Pressed Juicery subscription from Claire—but left Rae’s for last. She slid her finger beneath the tape so carefully as if afraid that the package would hold the same type of well-meant, but not-really-Steph gifts she had gotten from her family.
Rae prayed she had made a better choice.
Finally, Steph set down the bow and paper and lifted the gift from its padded box. “A mug?”
“It’s the same as mine—because you seem to like it so much that you’re stealing it every morning.”
Steph blushed. “Guilty as charged. I love that mug. Thank you.”
“Wait. The real gift is in the mug.”
Steph peered inside the big mug and fished out the rolled-up envelope.
Rae tried not to fidget as Steph opened it and read the card. God, she hoped Steph didn’t think this was boring or sappy or—
Steph put the card down and threw her arms around her.
Instantly, Rae’s eyes fluttered shut, and all her worries evaporated like snow in LA as she hugged Steph back and breathed in her scent.
Countless moments later, she realized that the room had gone quiet, and she quickly pulled back.
“That must be some gift,” Diane said. “What is it?”
Steph held up the certificate with a broad smile. “A year-long membership for Descanso Gardens.”
“The botanical garden in La Cañada Flintridge?” James’s forehead wrinkled as if he was wondering what the draw was for her.
“Yes.” Steph nodded eagerly. “When I had a rough day, Rae took me to see their lighting display. It was amazing.”
Claire stared at her. “You went to see the lights? You?”
“They’re not holiday lights. It’s…special. I’d love to go again.”
“You can,” Rae said. “The membership not only includes free admission for two but also discounted presale tickets for the Forest of Light.”
Steph’s gaze searched Rae’s. “For two?”
“Mm-hmm. That doesn’t mean you have to take me, of course.”
“Are you kidding?” Steph gently nudged her. “Of course I’m taking you!” Then she seemed to become aware that she had kind of picked Rae over her family, who were all listening intently. “Um…”
Her mother laughed. “Don’t worry. We weren’t expecting you to take your boring parents.”
“Or your boring sister,” Claire grumbled.
Rae squirmed on the window seat. “Um, if you wanted to go, you could—”
“Relax. I was kidding. It’s fine if Steph wants to take you.” Claire’s reassuring smile seemed genuine. “I’m glad she has someone to cheer her up after a rough day.”
“Jeez, would you all stop talking about me as if I’m not sitting right here?” Steph tapped the presents on Rae’s lap. “Your turn.”
Very aware of everyone’s attention on her, Rae peeled off the tape and opened the first present, with a tag that said it was from Steph’s parents. She held up a black-and-silver silk tie and admired the rainbow clip attached to it.
“I asked Steph for some gift ideas, and she said you wear ties at
work,” Diane said.
Steph leaned over and slid her fingers over the smooth material. “Ooh. Nice choice, Mom.”
A shiver went through Rae as if Steph had caressed her fingers instead of the tie. “Yeah. Very nice.” Her voice came out a little hoarse. “Thank you so much.”
“It’s not too long, is it?” Diane asked.
“It should be just f—”
Rae’s words caught in the back of her throat when Steph took the tie from her, looped it around Rae’s neck, and tugged her down a little.
For a moment, Rae halfway expected her to kiss her, but of course all Steph did was tie a knot. Her traitorous body reacted as if she’d been kissed anyway, her heart hammering so hard that she was afraid everyone in the room could hear it.
“There,” Steph said, her voice sounding a bit rough too. “It’s perfect.”
Rae looked down and touched the rainbow clip. “Perfect.”
Lana and Claire traded amused glances, and Rae wasn’t sure she wanted to know what they were thinking.
She quickly reached for the next gift, an envelope from Claire and Lana. When she opened it, a gift certificate fell out. “Paddleboard lessons. Wow. This is too much.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Lana said. “A friend of ours does them on the side, so we got them at a great price. She’s a stuntwoman and a wonderful teacher. Even Claire had a great time when we did it in June. We thought you might enjoy it too.”
“I’m sure I will.” As soon as she had worked up the courage to take up swimming again. Maybe this was exactly the encouragement she needed.
Steph leaned in to her as if sensing what she was thinking.
The next present revealed a USB stick. Rae held it up and gave Lana and Claire a questioning look. “Something else from you? You already gave me the paddleboard lessons.”
“This is just a little something extra,” Lana said. “Copies of all the audiobooks I have narrated so far. Claire insisted that you would enjoy them.”
“Anyone with taste would enjoy them,” Claire said.
Rae gave Lana an impressed look. “You’re an audiobook narrator?”
While Claire beamed proudly, Lana shrugged. “Mostly. I also do some acting on the side, but I discovered I really enjoy narrating books.”
“On the side!” Claire gave her a loving nudge. “She’s being modest. She’ll start shooting with Grace Durand next month!”
Rae gave a low whistle. “Wow. Grace Durand! She’s—”
“Hot,” Steph said with a grin.
“That too. But I was about to say ‘a great actress.’”
“Last one.” Diane pointed at the remaining present on Rae’s lap.
For some reason, Rae was a little hesitant to open Steph’s gift in front of everyone. It wasn’t that she thought it might be something embarrassing; it just felt like a private thing between the two of them. But since everyone was waiting, she removed the colorful gift wrap from the rectangular, relatively flat package. “Wow. An e-reader.” She opened the box and pulled it out.
“It has an E Ink display, so you don’t get any glare, even in bright sunlight, and it’s much easier on the eyes than your phone or a tablet.” Steph gave her a meaningful look.
Aww. Steph had noticed her struggle with reading on her devices. Rae swallowed down the lump in her throat and decided not to rebuke her for spending so much money. “Thank you.”
“You’re very welcome.”
They looked into each other’s eyes, and again that strange gravity set in and seemed to pull her toward Steph.
“Um, far be it me to spoil the mood or to kick you out, but didn’t you say you have to leave at five to make it to work on time?” Diane asked.
Rae tore her gaze away from Steph and glanced at her wristwatch. Oh shit. It was a little after five. How had that happened? Before coming here, she had been afraid of every minute crawling by painfully slow.
They jumped up, collected their gifts, and said their goodbyes.
Again, Lana gave Rae a hug, but this time, Rae knew it was coming and patiently waited until it was over.
Claire limited herself to a warm pat to Rae’s arm. “Thanks again for cooking. You were a lifesaver.”
“No problem.” Rae shook James’s hand and then turned to Diane, while Steph said goodbye to her sister. “Thanks so much for having me.”
“It was my pleasure—and I mean that.” Diane didn’t lean in for air kisses this time, as if the little episode in the kitchen had made her unsure about how much physical closeness Rae could tolerate. “If you ever need anything—any help—give me a call.”
Rae stared down at the card that Diane had slipped into her hand. Dr. Diane Renshaw, psychodynamic therapist and professor of psychology, USC, it said. It also listed Diane’s work numbers. What the…?
“I can’t take you on myself,” Diana added, her voice pitched low, “but I know a lot of great people who do trauma-focused work.”
Trauma? Did Diane think she had PTSD, because she had startled her in the kitchen? Rae’s fingers tightened around the card, and she had the sudden, uncomfortable feeling that Diane was looking right at her left eye.
When Steph walked over to hug her mother, Rae quickly slipped the card into her pocket. If Steph saw it, she would probably kill her mother, and Rae didn’t want to cause family drama, especially not on Christmas.
Then they were finally out the door and headed toward the Mini Cooper. She was so focused on the business card that it took her until she reached for the seat belt to realize that she was now alone with Steph, without a clue what to say about their almost kiss…or if she should say anything.
CHAPTER 20
“You know what?” Rae said as Steph turned left onto Santa Monica Boulevard. “I think it’s faster if you drop me off at work. I have a change of clothes there.”
Steph looked over at her. Had Rae suggested that because she was afraid of being late or because she didn’t want to be alone with her any longer than necessary? For once, she couldn’t read Rae’s expression. “Sure.”
She sped up to make it across an intersection before the light turned red.
For a while, they were both silent.
Oh hell. This is ridiculous. Steph opened her mouth to say something…anything.
“Steph?”
“Hmm?” Her heart beat faster, and she was no longer sure she was ready to talk about it. Maybe there was something to be said for ignoring the elephant in the room.
“Um, thanks for inviting me,” Rae said quietly. “I had a wonderful time.”
“Really?”
“Mm-hmm.”
“Great,” Steph said. “I would have hated for my family to scare you off.”
“I don’t scare easily.”
“Oh really? Could have fooled me.” The words were out before Steph could stop herself. God, Claire was right. She really had no filters sometimes.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” A scowl darkened Rae’s face, but the time when Steph might have been intimidated by that was long over.
“It means that you are just as much of a chickenshit as I am.” Again, her mouth seemed to answer without consulting her brain first. But maybe that was a good thing because if she waited for Rae to approach the topic, she might die of old age before that happened. “We’re both tiptoeing around each other…around what’s happening between us.”
When no reply came from Rae, Steph glanced over.
A look of pure panic flashed across Rae’s face.
It made Steph’s belly clench in response. Rae had probably faced down armed criminals without losing her cool, but she clearly had no armor when it came to more tender feelings. And that scared Steph in return because she had a talent for fucking things up, and she didn’t want to hurt Rae.
“I…” Rae cleared her throat. �
��We…we nearly kissed, right?”
“Yeah. Truth be told, I’ve been wanting to do that for a while now. For real, I mean, not just to trick the Kleinbergs.” Steph glanced at Rae again to see her reaction. Damn. A car was not the best place to have this conversation, but they didn’t have the time to stop somewhere and talk while being able to look at each other. She caught a glimpse of a blush dusting Rae’s cheeks.
“Me too,” Rae said quietly. “Did you want it the same way you wanted to kiss…and do other stuff…with U-Haul Girl?”
“U-Haul G… Oh!” Steph had nearly forgotten about her, and that kind of answered Rae’s question for her. “No. This is different.”
Rae turned in the passenger seat as much as possible. “How?”
“I don’t know.” Steph took one hand off the steering wheel to rub her face. She wasn’t ready to put a name on it, because with that came a huge responsibility that she had avoided all her life. “I just know that it is.” Steph tried to flash a grin, but it felt a bit wobbly. “For one thing, if we slept together, I couldn’t kick you out the next morning, because it’s your apartment too.”
Rae was quiet as they crossed another intersection.
Steph glanced over.
Rae had slid back around to face forward. She sat with her hands flat on her thighs and her teeth digging into her bottom lip, staring straight ahead.
Oh fuck. She was already messing up, hurting her. Make it right, asshat. “I’m sorry, Rae. That was me being a chickenshit, hiding behind jokes. I told you I suck at relationships.”
Rae’s head whipped around. “Is that what you want? A relationship…with me?”
Steph white-knuckled the steering wheel. Was there a hint of hope in Rae’s voice? Did she want her to say yes? But Steph couldn’t do that. If they were to have any chance of staying friends, much less becoming lovers, she had to be completely honest. “I…I don’t know. I never wanted one before. But now… I don’t know. The only thing I know for sure is that I don’t want to hurt you or lose our friendship.”
