by Jae
“Just trying to get comfortable. I’m not used to being held. With Lise, I was the one holding her most of the time.”
“I’m usually not one for rules, but can we have one dating-Steph-101 rule? No talking about exes while in bed with me.”
Rae lifted her head off Steph’s chest to peer down at her. “Are you jealous?”
“No, of course not.” She’d never been jealous in her life. Why would she start now? Steph reached out and turned off the lamp on the bedside table, throwing them into darkness.
Rae chuckled, sending warm puffs of air across the bit of skin that Steph’s V-neck shirt revealed. “You totally are.”
“Am not.” Steph combed her fingers through Rae’s hair. “Let’s try to sleep. It’s been a long day.”
“Oh yeah. Is it really still the same day?”
“Well, technically, it isn’t. But it feels like it’s still Christmas.” The sappy part of Steph—the one she usually hid away behind a layer of sarcastic humor—insisted that the best Christmas present of all was right there, in her arms. She trailed her hand along Rae’s strong back in soothing strokes.
“This is kind of nice,” Rae murmured, “but I don’t think I’ll be able to fall asleep like this.”
“That’s okay. We can switch in a minute.” Steph continued her gentle strokes along Rae’s back, and it took all of ten seconds for Rae’s breathing to ease into the soft, regular pattern of sleep.
Steph grinned into the darkness.
CHAPTER 21
Steph woke up overheated. She had always suspected that sharing the bed with Rae would be hot and sweaty, but this wasn’t quite what she’d had in mind. Rae’s powerful body beneath hers radiated heat in waves. God, the woman was like a heater—a sexy five-foot-ten heater.
Groggily, Steph lifted her head and realized they had somehow traded positions during the night. Rae was now sprawled out on her back, both arms wrapped around Steph, holding her close. One of her hands had slipped beneath the waistband of Steph’s shorts and was now resting on the swell of her buttock.
That discovery didn’t exactly help to cool Steph down. She struggled not to press her hips against Rae.
Normally, she would have woken up her bedmate for a quick round of morning sex before slipping out of bed—and out of their life. But with Rae, that wasn’t an option.
She looked down at Rae’s face, which was relaxed and looked younger in sleep, with all the brooding lines gone. The swelling on her forehead had nearly disappeared, but a reddish bruise had formed.
Protectiveness flared through Steph. Maybe she needed to have a word with Carlos and tell him to be more careful where he stuck his elbow next time.
She continued to watch Rae sleep, taking advantage of being able to study her unobserved. How different she looked when her lips weren’t set in a grim line that warned people to stay away. Steph was tempted to trace the contours of Rae’s full lips with her finger, but she didn’t want to wake her. After her breakdown last night, Rae needed all the sleep she could get. Her left eye wasn’t all the way closed, which was a bit spooky, but Steph knew she’d get used to it if they… Her breath caught. If they kept doing this. Whatever this was. The thought still scared her. Could she really do this without ending up hurting Rae…or being hurt in return?
Rae stirred beneath her, her arms around Steph flexing, which made her fingers on Steph’s butt slide a little lower.
She shivered and squeezed her eyes shut.
“You awake?” Rae whispered. Her voice rumbled under Steph’s ear.
“Not sure,” Steph murmured into the fabric of Rae’s shirt. “It’s possible that I’m still asleep and having a very erotic dream.”
Rae sucked in an audible breath. “Is this your idea of taking it slow?” Her voice was rough with the remnants of sleep and a hint of desire. “Telling me about your erotic dreams?”
“Hey, you started it.”
“Me? I was asleep up until a second ago. How could I have started anything?”
“Take a look at where your right hand is.”
“My h—? Oh shit.” Rae snatched it away. “God, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize…”
Steph stopped her apology by lightly kissing her on the lips. “I didn’t say I minded, did I?”
Rae stilled beneath her. “No, you didn’t.” She moved her hand to a safe spot on Steph’s hip.
Steph propped herself up on one elbow and looked down at her, which made Rae squirm as if she was afraid her eye was leaking or something.
“How do you feel?” Steph asked.
“Fine,” Rae said immediately. She stretched her broad shoulders. “Slept like a log.” Steph kept studying her until Rae added, “A little weird. I’m not used to crying in front of people, for one thing.”
“I’m not people,” Steph said softly.
Rae smiled. “No. You’re Team Rae.”
The familiar term had taken on a new meaning. Steph swallowed and nodded.
“Is that…is it a two-person team?”
Steph had no idea what Rae was asking, so she gave her a questioning look.
Rae swept one of Steph’s probably very tousled strands of hair behind her ear. “I mean…dating…taking it slow…” She stared over Steph’s shoulder. “Does that mean you’ll be seeing other people too?” She flicked her gaze to Steph’s face, then away again. “Because to be honest, I’m not sure I can do that.”
Oh God. Emotional discussions before coffee. Steph wasn’t sure she could do that. But more importantly… Could she do what Rae was asking? She had never promised monogamy to anyone. She rolled to the side until she’d created a bit of space between their bodies and could think more clearly. “You don’t have to worry about that.” She tried to keep her voice light, but that didn’t help to soothe the erratic beat of her heart. “I have a feeling I’ll have my hands full with you anyway, with no energy left over for other people.”
Rae didn’t smile. “So does that mean we’re exclusive?”
Steph’s throat was too tight to speak, so she nodded. No big deal, right? It didn’t mean they were now married and stuck with each other forever.
“If you change your mind, let me know, okay? Don’t just—” Rae bit her lip.
Cheat? Walk away, like Lise? Steph shook her head. “I won’t.” She didn’t need the same promise from Rae. Rae was in this now, one hundred percent, and that was as scary as it was reassuring.
“Thank you,” Rae whispered.
“No problem.” Steph put on a grin and rolled back, half on top of Rae, hovering over her until their lips were only inches from each other. “Now that we have that covered, any idea how we could kill some time until I have to leave for my last walk with Moose?”
“Ah, that’s today? I’m sorry.”
“I’m trying not to think about it,” Steph said. “Maybe you can think of something to provide some distraction.”
“Hmm, let’s see…” Rae looked around as if trying to come up with a promising distraction. Then her gaze paused on the alarm clock, and she stiffened beneath Steph. “Oh shit. It’s nearly eleven! How on earth did that happen?”
Steph shrugged. “We went to bed late, and you needed the rest after…after everything. Is that a problem?”
“Yes.” Rae slid out from beneath her without the kiss Steph had hoped for. “I promised Kim I’d be over for lunch.”
“Want me to drive you?”
Rae was already at the door. “No, thanks. It’s light out, and I won’t stay late, so I’ll be fine.”
When she disappeared into the bathroom, Steph let her head sink onto the pillow. It smelled of Rae.
Oh no. She wouldn’t bury her head in the pillow and sulk at not getting to spend more time in bed with Rae. This was what she had wanted—keeping things between them light, not instantly jumping into that joined-a
t-the-hip-can’t-function-without-you stage that she had always wrinkled her nose at. Right?
Right. She rolled out of bed. But that didn’t mean she would let Rae leave without a kiss.
Rae squeezed a little bit of baby shampoo onto a gauze pad and cleaned off any traces of mucus still clinging to the corners of her eye. She stared at herself in the mirror above the sink. God, she couldn’t believe she had cried in Steph’s arms last night. But she did have to admit that it had helped to finally voice what had been on her mind every day for nearly ten months. While she would probably never be at peace with what had happened and her role in it, the choking weight that had sometimes kept her up at night now didn’t feel so heavy anymore. She had slept like a baby in Steph’s arms.
That had been another surprise. One of many last night.
She and Steph were dating! The thought made her pulse speed up with equal parts excitement and panic.
After losing first Lise, then Mike and her job and by extension all of her comrades on the force, she hadn’t thought that she’d ever let anyone close again, but Steph had somehow managed to push her way past the walls Rae had built around herself. No, not push. More liked sneaked through, without Rae noticing until it was too late to keep her out.
But now was not the time to process that. She had to get going, or she’d be late for lunch with Kim.
She studied her eye socket in the mirror. Luckily, it was back to normal, no longer puffy or irritated. She cleaned the prosthesis with baby shampoo, then rinsed it thoroughly before dabbing at it with a tissue. Once it was dry, she lifted the upper lid with her index finger, slid the top edge of the prosthesis beneath it, and then pulled the lower lid down so it would slide in.
There. Everything looked normal now, exactly how she preferred it when visiting Kim. She didn’t want any unnecessary reminder of what they had lost that day.
Hastily, she got dressed and closed her belt buckle on her way to her room, to get Kim’s Christmas present.
When she returned, gift in hand, Steph was in the kitchen, still wearing the T-shirt and the shorts she had slept in. The shorts Rae’s hand had slipped beneath earlier. Heat gathered low in her belly, and she gave her head a rough shake to clear it.
Come on. No lingering. Get going.
“Here.” Steph pressed a travel mug into her hand. “It feels almost a little too domestic, like the dutiful housewife making breakfast, but I thought you could use some coffee.”
Rae had longed for a cup but knew she didn’t have the time. “God, I could kiss you.”
“Nope. Not could—you will. I’m not letting you go without a kiss.”
“Oh, is that so?” Rae drawled. “Another dating-Steph-101 rule?”
“Guess you could call it that.” Steph took another step closer, right into Rae’s personal space. “So?”
The physical closeness made Rae’s body buzz in a way that all the caffeine in the world couldn’t. She had to grin at Steph’s playful demand. Nothing meek about this woman. If she wanted something, she went after it, no matter if it was a spot in a comedy show or a kiss. “Well, as a former cop, I guess I’d better follow the rules, hmm?” She tucked the travel mug beneath one arm with Kim’s gift so she could wrap the other around Steph and draw her closer.
“Yeah,” Steph murmured, sounding a little breathless, “you’d b—”
Rae lowered her head and kissed her.
Steph’s curves pressed against her as she clasped the nape of Rae’s neck and kissed her back. There was something so damn sexy about the way she threaded her fingers through Rae’s hair and drew her closer. She teased the corner of Rae’s mouth with the tip of her tongue, then dipped inside.
Electric sensations sparked through Rae’s belly. She lost herself in the softness and damp heat of Steph’s mouth and had no idea how much time had passed when she found herself flush against the counter, with Steph’s body molded to hers. “I need to get going,” she murmured against Steph’s lips.
“Mm-hmm.” Steph placed one last, soft kiss on her lips and smoothed her hands down Rae’s shoulders before stepping away.
“Hey.” Rae caught her hand and drew her back. “I know it’ll be tough to say goodbye, but I hope you have a good walk with Moose.”
Steph sighed. “Thanks.”
Rae hesitated, not sure what to say to cheer her up. Maybe she shouldn’t have brought it up. God, this communication stuff was hard.
“You need to go, or Kim will worry.”
“I know.” Rae didn’t move. “Mr. Hicks told me to take the day off. Want to…I don’t know…do something tonight?” She tried to make it sound casual, not like a date, even though it would feel like one to her.
“Ah, normally, I’d love to, but I want to hit an open mic or two to make sure I’m ready for… Oh, wait, I haven’t told you about that yet. Your boss is letting me headline the New Year’s Eve show!” Excitement lightened the color of Steph’s eyes to a silvery gray.
So Mr. Hicks had indeed followed her recommendation. Rae had worried that he would change his mind now that he knew they were involved. She decided not to let on that he had asked for her opinion, not wanting Steph to think she had gotten the spot only because of her. As far as Rae was concerned, Steph had earned it. “Oh wow. That’s wonderful! Congratulations!”
“Thanks.” Steph gave a happy little hop.
So cute. Rae couldn’t help grinning. “Is your family coming to see you?”
Steph’s bright smile dimmed. “Maybe Claire and Lana. Unless Claire changes her mind.”
“What about your parents?”
“Nah. They don’t like stand-up.”
Rae bit her lip. Couldn’t they get over themselves for one night to support their daughter? “That’s what they said when you asked them to come?”
“I didn’t ask. I already know the answer.” Steph waved her hand as if to dismiss the topic. “Are you working on New Year’s Eve?”
“Yes, I am.” If necessary, she would bribe her colleagues so she would get to cover the showroom during the late show, just to make sure all would go smoothly.
Steph’s smile returned. “Great.”
For a moment, Rae considered suggesting that she join Steph at the open mic, but then she rejected the idea. If Steph had wanted her there, she would have asked. Maybe Steph needed a little space so she wouldn’t get overwhelmed and run for the hills. She swallowed down her disappointment at not getting to see Steph all day and said, “Well, then, have a good open mic. Guess I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Steph hesitated. Was she thinking about asking her to come along after all? But then she nodded. “See you tomorrow. Tell Kim ‘hi’ from me.”
As Rae finally hurried to her car, she reached into her pants pocket for the car keys but encountered the business card Steph’s mother had given her. She drew it out and stared at the number.
If she didn’t leave now, she really would be late. She opened the driver’s side door and climbed into the Subaru.
Oh, fuck it. She reached for her phone, sent Kim a short text to let her know she might be a few minutes late, and typed in the cell phone number. It rang and rang…and rang.
Just when she thought the call would go to voice mail, Diane answered. “Dr. Diane Renshaw.”
The formal answer drove home the fact that she had given Rae her number as a therapist, not as Steph’s mom.
“Um, hi, Diane. This is Rae Coleman. I’m sorry to bother you, especially on your work phone. I didn’t have any other number for you, or I would have used that.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Diane said. “I gave you my card so you could call—and I’m happy you did. I didn’t think you would.”
If not for Steph, she wouldn’t have.
“So have you thought about what kind of therapist you’d like to see?” Diane asked. “Cognitive processing therapy a
nd EMDR have a good success rate with PTSD patients, but there are other options as well.”
Rae tightened her grip on the phone. “That’s not why I’m calling. I don’t have PTSD.”
“Listen, Rae. I know it’s hard to face—”
“I don’t have PTSD.” Rae’s voice echoed through the SUV. Shit. She’d spoken more loudly than she had intended, probably confirming Diane’s assumption that she was in denial. “You just startled me. That’s all.”
Diane sighed. “Rae…”
She wouldn’t let it go; Rae sensed that. Steph had probably inherited her stubbornness from her mother. She swallowed against the lump lodged in her throat. “I’m blind in one eye.”
Diane went so quiet that Rae wondered if she had hung up. Then she cleared her throat. “Oh. So that’s why I startled you when I walked up to you. You didn’t see me.”
“Yeah.” Rae rubbed her eye with her free hand. God, she hated telling anyone. It made her feel so exposed and defenseless. Already, she was dreading the next time she saw Diane, knowing Steph’s mother would stare at her prosthetic eye. She took a steadying breath and forced herself to face her fears and be completely honest. “Listen, Diane, I know I have some stuff to work on, and maybe one day I will ask you to recommend a colleague, but that isn’t why I’m calling today. This is about Steph.”
“Does she know? About your eye.”
“Yes.”
“Good,” Diane said. “I know she likes to come across like a flippant person who never takes anything seriously, but that’s just her way of keeping people at arm’s length to avoid getting hurt. She has it in her to be a wonderful friend…or more.”
The little hairs on the back of Rae’s neck prickled with unease. Even though Diane meant well, Steph wouldn’t appreciate being analyzed like that behind her back—or being nudged into a relationship. “Um, I actually called to see if you have plans for New Year’s Eve.”
Diane chuckled. “Is Steph planning to ring in the New Year with some big announcement about the two of you?”
“No!” Christ, she was messing this up royally. “Steph is headlining the New Year’s Eve show in the club where I work. That’s a big deal, and I know it would mean a lot to her if you came.”
