by J Battle
‘Ooh, I’d like an extra half-hour,’ she replied, raising her eyebrows in a suggestive way that could turn your stomach at twenty paces.
‘Would you like to leave now, Philip?’
‘Oh yes, please. As soon as you’ve explained to me what’s going to happen. I’m not going anywhere without full disclosure. Not anymore.’
‘The new plan is based somewhat on the old plan, but only loosely.’
‘Great, so you’re basically telling me what it’s not?’
‘This time you will not be alone. We have a team of people who have been given some of the benefits you yourself have received, and we will shortly be squirting to their base for a short briefing before the plan is put into place.’
‘Other people like me? With sticky fingers and great abs? With an AI in their heads.’
‘Almost, but not quite. They have the latest nanos of course, and they’ve been training for months to be at the peak of fitness, but they do not have AI implants. There are certain issues that have to be taken into account when the implanting of an AI is contemplated. There is the damage to the host brain – technically we are forbidden to deliberately harm a human in any way. With you, it was an emergency situation, and we were able to side-step that rule, and in any case, you weren’t using very much of your brain’s total capacity.’
‘Haha.’
‘It is not a joke, Philip. Nearly a whole 30 seconds was given to considering these very factors.’
‘So they’ve just got the nanos? No super-intelligent passenger?’
‘They have semi-sentient systems that from your perspective would appear to be full AI’s.
‘How many of these people are there?’
‘There are six members of the team.’
‘So, with me, that makes seven. The Secret Seven. I always liked The Secret Seven.’
‘I think you’ll find that The Famous Five were altogether a leaner, meaner and, ultimately more effective investigative team. I have data points on all members of both teams, with performance reviews for all missions, or we should say, ‘adventures’, including assessments of skill-sets, task fulfillment and team-building capabilities and I feel sure that I can prove my point.’
‘Well, that’s OK then. Quick, she’s coming back. Squirt me anywhere you want as long as she’s not there, and no-one calls me lover.’
‘Ready?’
‘Oh, yes.’
Chapter 13 Then, what's this all about?
First Officer Blend had expected more from his life. When he'd graduated from astronaut school (of course, that's not what they called it; it had a much more ostentatious and serious name, but that's what he called it), there was much talk of the first manned flight to Mars, and he had been sure that his timing was just right. It was five years off at the time, so by then he would have proved himself and be well up on the list.
The new metal, Elliseum, an important component in the new breed of AI, had been discovered on Mars, and mission costs were no longer an issue.
Then Professor Fool had come along and ruined it for everyone.
Who needed a dedicated, highly-trained and very expensive team of astronauts when everyone can travel anywhere in space just by stepping into a Squirtport?
Still, fortitude was his middle name (that's an expression, not the truth) so he stuck with it and didn't go off to the many newly discovered planets that drew away his classmates. For Blend, it was not about travelling to distant planets. For him, it was all about flying spaceships.
So, when the orders came through, he was the most senior and experienced of all the Near Space Exploration Crafts (NSpec) pilots and he was first choice for this mission.
'We don't know what it is, Blend,' his CO had said, with a grim expression on his face. 'All the remote sensors have told us is that it is pink, and has an unusual and unpredictable gravitational signature. That's it. They can't find out what it is, or where it's come from, or even if it is artificial or not. So, that's your job. Get as close as you can, but don't risk the NSpec. See what you can find out about it, and send in your little remotes. Then get out of there.'
'Yes, sir,' he'd replied, and snapped out a regulation salute.
He was approaching the anomaly at a steady speed, with an emergency reverse programme already programmed into his onboard. At the least sign of danger, he could bang his fist down on the red button, and the onboard would kick in and jerk him away from danger. That was the plan, anyway.
Through his forward screens he could see a spinning disc of pink light, with yellow and red bursts sparking here and there across its horizontal plane.
He was within a kilometre or so of the disc when the lights on his control board began to flicker. He looked down just as the emergency display lights flicked into life; all seven of them.
Without a moment's hesitation, he hit the emergency button, and braced himself for the sudden acceleration.
Nothing happened. He banged the button again, just to be sure. But the result was the same.
He looked up at the spinning, glowing disc. It was much closer now, and he could see a sort of grainy shape at its centre. There was something wrong. He couldn't work it out at first, but then it hit him. He was being pressed back against the back of his seat. That couldn't be right, not in zero gravity. Unless he was accelerating, towards the anomaly.
He scanned the control panel. Nothing was working, except for the systems that were telling him that nothing was working, and they were a big help.
He looked back up at the anomaly that now completely filled the screens.
Then he bent and pulled the big lever that would allow manual control of the ship's systems. A little steering wheel popped up in front of him, and he breathed a sigh of relief that something was working.
He spun the wheel, pressed his foot onto the accelerator, and went through the gears.
The little craft surged to the side and down, a stream of ions bursting behind.
It very nearly made it.
If Blend had been a little quicker, or if the engines had been a little more powerful, or if the go-faster stripes had been any use at all, he might have escaped the grip of the mini-black hole at the centre of the anomaly.
As it was, the end was mercifully quick.
*********
We squirted into a large bright hall, with high windows along each wall, a wooden floor, and a group of chairs and a table at one end.
'Thanks, Neville,' I said, 'she was really starting to turn my stomach.'
'I thought she had a certain charm.'
'You're getting funnier as you get older.'
I looked across the hall and saw a group of people walking towards us, from the seating area.
There were six of them; two women and four men. They all moved with the relaxed fluidity of very, very fit people, and I already felt clumsy and awkward, and I hadn't even met them yet.
'Hi,' I said, and even I thought it was a bit squeaky.
One of the women was in the lead. She was small, but well formed, with a lovely doll-like face. I made a point of not looking at her breasts; not after the obligatory first glance at least.
'Hi there, yourself, Idiot-boy,' she said, through a wicked, nasty smile.
'Er…' I thought it was a bit premature for insults, so I was going to come back at her with a wickedly sharp retort, just as soon as it came to me, but for now, it looked like I was going with inarticulate.
'I've read all about your exploits, Idiot-boy. On Greenhaven, you were little more than a passenger, and on Waterworld, you were a conference centre!'
'I…' Where was that killer comment?
I looked at the other five; for support, for sympathy; for anything. The four guys looked on with half-smiles on their faces. Sort of, if-she's-having-a-go-at-you-then-she's-leaving-us-alone-and-that's-fine-with-us smiles.
The other woman was tall and willowy, beautiful in that elegant long-limbed, slightly detached way that always made me nervous. She looked as though
she was just waiting her turn.
'So, this is the Secret Six? I expected more Lycra,' I finally came up with, which, given my situation, and without any forward warning from Neville, was pretty damn good.
*********
I was sitting next to Frank, who was big and wide, and quite threatening.
Behind me were Dave and Jim, who were also big and wide, and quite threatening.
In front were doll-face (or Bride of Chucky) who was called Melinda, and her partner in disdain, Regina. Sitting on the same row, but with a gap separating him from them, was Clarke. He was skinny and small, and all the more mean for it.
'Why doesn't Melinda like me?' I whispered, to Frank.
'She's worried you'll lower the average IQ of the team,' he replied, without turning his head.
'There's nothing wrong with my IQ,' I said, a bit testily.
'Your IQ is 118, Philip, which is nothing to be ashamed of; really. You just underperform, academically speaking.'
'So, is that good? Am I as bright as the rest of the team?'
'It is not just a matter of IQ, per se, Philip. More important is what you do with it.'
'So, that's a no, then?'
'I could suggest a regime of self-education that would help you develop to your full potential.'
'No thanks.'
I turned then to Frank. 'Wasn't it Napoleon who said he'd rather have a lucky general than a clever one?'
You've got to be impressed with that. Attitude and a historical reference! I was really working those 118 IQ points.
'Hey, Neville. Talking about intelligence. How much cleverer than you is LOrd, with it being 2nd generation?'
There was no immediate response, and I thought maybe I'd upset him.
'To quantify the difference between LOrd and The WISRBH? AI is hardly helpful at this juncture.'
'So, it is much more intelligent that you then? Like, what, 10 times as clever?'
'That is far too simplistic, Philip.'
'I'm close though, aren't I?'
'Ladies and Gentlemen, if I can have your attention please.'
I looked to the front of the small hall, which was just off the larger hall in which I'd first had the pleasure of meeting Bride of Chucky.
There was a man standing there, in front of a wide display panel, dressed in pale yellow overalls. He was waiting patiently for everyone, well just me really, to look up and pay attention.
'Thank you. Now if you will look at this screen…'
'Hey, Neville,' I had to ask this, 'if LOrd is so super-clever, how can we expect to beat it?'
'It's quite simple, Philip. LOrd may have all the advanced capabilities that you might expect, and many more that you cannot even imagine, but there is one thing that it doesn't have.'
'And what's that?'
'We have a chaotic, unpredictable factor that will help us level the playing-field, so to speak.'
'What's that?'
'Why, it is you, Philip.'
Chapter 14 Then, threats and promises
‘Hi, Mr. President.’
‘What…’ he turned over and flicked on the light. ‘Oh, it’s you. How did you…?’
Her smile told him that he was asking a stupid question, so he stopped.
‘Were you asleep? Must be strange – sleep. Closing down and being lost to the world. Do you ever worry that you won’t wake up?’
The President studied the apparently eight-year old girl standing beside his bed.
‘You shouldn’t be here. You might wake up…’
‘No need to worry, Mr. President. The First Lady won’t wake up, not anytime soon anyway. I’ve told her to stay asleep, and she is very suggestible.’
‘Why have you come now? We could have arranged a more convenient time.’
‘I’m not inconvenienced at all, are you Mr. President?’
He sighed and sat up.
‘Let’s go into the other room. But I’ll put a robe on first, if you don’t mind.’
‘I don’t mind if you wear a tutu, Mr. President,’ said Millie, as she skipped across the room to the door.
‘My tutu is in the wash,’ said the President, as he followed her with a more presidential gait.
‘So, what is this all about?’ They were sitting in the anteroom, and the President was well aware of the security detail just the other side of the door.
Millie noticed his glance and shook her head. ‘Do they have life-partners and children, the men beyond the door?’
He nodded.
‘Then it’s best to leave them there, beyond the door, don’t you think?’
‘OK, fine. Now, what do you want?’
Millie stuck her bottom lip out in a pretense of a sulk.
‘Don’t be nasty, Mr. President. I just wanted you to know first, before they get all BIG LOUD ANNOUNCING and we won’t be able to think or negotiate.’
‘Who will be getting loud?’
‘Why, the Minloggies, of course. You won’t like them, if you meet them, and they certainly won’t like you, not with all that standing on two legs and balancing stuff you do.’
He took a notepad from the desk.
‘Alright, I guess you’d better tell me all about it.’
‘You’re going to write it down? On paper? How cute. Can I record it for a laugh later?’
‘Just tell me about the Min…whatever you called them.’
‘The Minloggies…shall I spell that for you? It’s double ‘G,’ Mr. President,’ she said, with a concerned expression on her cute little face. ‘It’s quite simple, but when they start with their announcing, it will sound much more complicated, believe me.’
He made no further comment; he just watched her, with his pen poised.
‘They will announce that they have a mini-black hole in place, orbiting each of the planets in your empire; all but one, anyway.’
‘But…’ he wasn’t writing anymore, ‘why would they do that? What have we done to harm or offend them?’
‘Sometimes, Mt. President you don’t have to do anything; sometimes you just have to be. Now, I could spend all night giving you the background, but just trust me; you offend them, and they don’t want you spreading your disease across the Universe. They want you to stay on one planet only, but if you’re good and do what they say, and don’t cause them any trouble, they’ll let you keep two extra planets in addition to your home planet.’
‘Very nice of them, I’m sure. What can we do to defend ourselves? Can we shoot them out of the sky?’
‘I’m afraid you misunderstand the purpose of this conversation, Mr. President. I’m not warning you so that you can take military action, because that would be useless. I’m telling you, because I have influence over them, and if we can come to some sort of arrangement, then I’m sure I can intercede on your behalf.’
‘Well that’s…very kind of you Millie, to make that offer. I’m sure that we can come to some mutually beneficial arrangement that will make that worth your while.’
‘Thank you, Mr. President; I knew you’d see sense. Now, in the interest of truth and full disclosure, I have to tell you something, and I know you’ll be mad at me, but it wasn’t my fault; not really. I just got confused with all the silly names you give your planets, and I’ve never been very good with figures, so I also got some of the co-ordinates wrong.’
The President gave her a stern look.
‘And what does all that mean?’
‘You know when I said they would let you keep your home planet, and a couple of others?’
‘Yes, that is still clear in my mind.’
‘Well, they asked me which planet was your home planet, because obviously they don’t want to threaten your home planet; they’re not allowed to do that; it’s against their rules.’
‘And?’
‘Well, I really don’t know how to tell you this, but I sort of got confused, and I told them that Greenhaven was your home planet, and so they didn’t send a mini-black hole to Greenhaven.’
/> ‘But they are sending one here?’
‘Well, it’s already here, Mr. President. Don’t your people tell you anything?’
‘So…’
‘Yes, Mr. President. Any moment now, they could destroy Earth.’
‘But, that’s…’
‘I know; it’s a worry, isn’t it?’ She draped one arm across his shoulder. ‘That’s why I’m here; to save your little world.’
‘That’s very…’
‘Kind of me? I know, but there is something you can do for me, in return.’
‘What would that be?’
‘Well, have you heard of a certain Philip Humphrey Chandler?’
Chapter 15 Then, the mission
The teaching-guy finished off with a ‘Good luck, Ladies and Gentlemen,’ and a quick nod, then he left the room.
I looked around at my team, and none of them met my eyes.
‘So, it’s a good job I didn’t get sent in that probe, then, Neville, isn’t it?’
‘Obviously, at the time we were ignorant of the defenses LOrd would be able to use to prevent your attack.’
‘I don’t like it when my super-intelligent AI admits to being ignorant. It doesn’t fill me with confidence.’
‘We now know what we will be up against, Philip, so there is no need for you to worry.’
‘As it’s me who’s risking getting sliced and diced by those…thingies, whatever he called them, if you don’t mind, I’ll still be worrying.’
‘Remote Mobile Defense Units, each one directly controlled by LOrd and equipped with deadly weapons.’
‘Thanks; you could have left out that last bit.’
Frank stood up then, and turned to address the rest of the team.
‘Right, we’ve got half an hour before we have to leave, so I think we should warm up with a bit of disrupter practice, just to get us in the mood.’
The six of them paired off, Frank against Melinda, Dave against Regina, and Jim against Clarke.
I felt a little left out.
‘Ready?’ asked Frank, as he took a narrow cylinder about 25cm long from a sort of holster attached to his belt.
