by J Battle
So, nothing? Nothing at all back from you, again. Well, no knock is closer to one knock than it is to two knocks, isn’t it. So, I’m taking that as a yes.
Now, for the bigger problem. You’re going to think that I’m crass and petty for worrying about this, and I would agree with you, if you’d ever give your opinion. But admit it, if you were in my position and about to make love to a beautiful alien creature, you’d ask yourself the very same question.
You see, she wears a very smart sort of uniform, and very nice she looks in it. I can see that she has nice long, slim legs, with arms to match, and, of course, from the neck upwards she is stunning.
Her uniform doesn’t cling and mostly disguises her figure, but I’m pretty sure she has breasts. I have a knack for spotting these things.
But, at the risk of being indelicate, I don’t know how the rest of her is set up, if you know what I mean. I don’t know for a fact that everything will match, when we get down to it. And that’s a worry for me.
I can hardly ask her, can I? I can’t say, ‘Do you want another drink and while I’m at the bar, here’s a pencil and some paper, and could you just draw your lady-parts for me, and I’ll be right back. Do you want some nuts?’
I worried that, just when I’m about to show her my best moves, something disgusting will chomp down on me, and the next time you see me, my voice will be higher and my skin much smoother.
Anyway, that’s enough about me, Millie’s just come into court, and she’s lumbering across to the platform for the convicted.
The judge-guy is back, and yes, this is the sentencing, I think. They didn’t have a verdict, because it was a foregone conclusion anyway.
The judge-guy is saying something to Millie. He’s telling her that she can make a statement in mitigation before sentence is passed. From the way he’s talking, and my in-depth knowledge of the way aliens work (hey – do you know anyone who’s had as much experience of dealing with aliens as me? No? Then keep your thoughts to yourself) I think it’s just a formality and nothing she says will affect the sentence.
She looks straight across the court at the other Stoly who had given evidence previously. It has to be the same alien; they couldn’t have two that ugly.
‘He made me give away puppies,’ she says, with a forlorn tone, I think. It could have been peeved, or resigned, or just irritated. ‘He made me give away puppies.’
That was all she said.
‘It behooves this court…’
I’m standing up, because this is my moment. This is why I’ve come trillions of miles; why I’ve let them disable Neville, this is what I came to do.
‘Er…excuse me, Sir. Mister Judge-guy. Can I address the court?’
He gives me a dirty look, or it could equally be an encouraging look. No, it feels like a dirty look. I’ve been the recipient of enough of them in my life, so I should know.
‘Speak, Human,’ he says.
‘Well… it’s like this,’ I begin.
(Can I just record my concerns about the way I'm being expected to produce this material? Just now, I learned about Phil's putative exotic paramour at the same time as you did, and how can that be right? What else am I not being told about? He's hardly the most reliable witness at the best of times, and now he has complete control of what he tells me about his daytime experiences. Just don't expect any sort of quality, that's all I'm saying.
I'm just starting my second Pixie book, not that you're interested. Did I mention that the first one only sold seven copies? At least, with the second book, I already know that no-one is going to read it, so I don't have to make it accessible or funny, or even have to think about paragraphs and chapters. I can just let it flow out of me and on to the page, and it can be as long as I Iike. I can create dozens of wonderful, life enhancing characters, and then I can kill them off, one by one, in the most gruesome of ways.
Anyway, back to the fun. N.F.)
Chapter 24 Now, your Honour
‘Your Honour, if I can be allowed to address the court…as a representative of the victims of Millie’s crimes…against balance?’
They’re all looking at me, and I’m feeling a little hot, and Millie looks angry.
‘Philippa Humphrey Chandler, this is most unusual, but the court will allow you a few moments of its time.’
‘Thank you, Your Honour. As the court has confirmed Millie’s guilt, I think…, I would ask the court to take action to remove the effects of Millie’s crimes, to prevent the serious loss of life that is in danger… of happening any minute now.’
He’s just looking at me now, as if I’ve said something stupid. It all sounded OK to me. What do you think?
‘I think that perhaps you misunderstand the purpose of this court. This is a secular court and our remit is the trial and punishment of people who commit verifiable crimes. The actual correction of imbalances caused by those crimes is the responsibility of the Angels on a Pinhead Devotion, so you should address your concerns to them. Is there anything else we can help you with?’
It was just as we expected, so time for plan B, and this time I already have one ready right up my sleeve.
‘In that case, Your Honour, can I ask, as a form of reparation for the victims of her crimes that Millie be instructed, as part of her sentence, to destroy the…offending…articles?’
The judge-guy is discussing this with a couple of court officials, which has to be good.
He's looking back at me now, and I can't tell if he's going to comply with my request or start laughing at me.
'The court refers you to our previous answer.'
So, that's a no then.
Now, this is going to impress you, because I have a Plan C.
'In that case, can I ask the court to specify that any…(what's that word?)… incarceration of the accused takes place on Earth? In the interest of natural justice (that last bit was my idea, all on my own).'
The judge-guy is talking to the officials again, and this time they keep looking at Millie, who is looking at me with an I-know-what-you're-up-to look on her face; at least that's how I'm reading it.
'You do realise that it is not an easy task to incarcerate a level 9 person? Nor is it cheap.'
'Earth is prepared to cover the cost (I'm assuming that Neville cleared this with somebody before we left Earth, because I can't afford it) and we hope the court could provide whatever technology we would need.'
One of the officials, who'd been doing something at his desk that I hadn't paid attention to, rushed back to have another chat with the judge-guy.
'The court would like to comply with your request, in the interests of natural justice, as you said, and also because of the financial benefits.'
That's great, I thought.
'Unfortunately, we do not accept capital punishment for any crime.'
'Nor do we, Your Honour.'
'Placing the accused in prison on Earth, where there is a real threat of her death if Earth is destroyed, breaches our no capital punishment policy. Unless you have a solution to that problem?'
I've got him now; hook, line and sinker.
I'm fixing my eyes on Millie now, and she's not a pretty sight, but I want to see her face when I give the coup de grace.
'I would refer the court to my original requests.'
Chapter 25 Now, for a light romantic moment …
(Now, I am giving you fair warning that there is a distinct chance of flesh on flesh contact here (or perhaps flesh on fur? What do I know?). You can be sure that I will handle any such intimacies with due propriety and no intent to offend. Of course, if you find Phil himself offensive, then there's not much I can do about that. He is what he is, for all that.
If only I had something a little deeper, a little meatier to work with here. You just know that Phil is never going to say anything with more depth than 'mine's a pint of lager, please,' and any success he may have is all but mere happenstance.
Now, take my Pixie-lord for an instance. He'd be a much more subs
tantial main character, full of wit and vision, and a strength of mind that would put Phil to shame. Although, you could say the same about almost any five-year old child.
But Lexicana, he is something special. He...
What? You're looking away. Why? Are you not interested in the...
I see; you're waiting for the flesh on flesh action. You should be ashamed of yourselves. Don't you have..., well, of course you don't have lives, otherwise why would you waste your time with these dreary tales?
So, back to the story then? Are you sure? Are you really sure? Because there is so much...
Alright, no need for the sneering looks, if you want him, here he is. You should be careful what you wish for; I'm just saying. Reluctantly yours. N. F.)
I'm on a date, and I'm looking hot, even if I say so myself. These new muscles I have make all the difference. My shirt hangs just right, and these jeans are just packed full of me. How could anyone resist?
Aely-lel doesn't look like she's planning to resist; not if my honed interrelationship instincts are as true as they used to be, in the days when they got a little more practice that they have of late.
We had a nice meal of…something. It could have been animal, vegetable or mineral, but it didn't move and it was on a plate, and that was good enough for me. At least I managed to keep it down.
Some alcohol has been taken by both of us. Just enough to encourage romance, but not enough to degrade the quality of the coming performance, if you know what I mean.
Aely-lel is dancing, I think. She's moving sinuously between the tables and it seems to be in time to the light sprinkling of music that is playing in the background.
I feel the urge to join her, but I'm holding back. I'll give her this moment in the limelight, before I get up and show her my moves.
(I'm beginning to feel nauseous here. Does anyone mind if we skip to the moment of post-coital glow? I really don't want to get into all the messy, awkward where-does-this-go? details. Is that OK?
No? You want full 3-D pornographic details? Does your mother know that's the sort of book you read? You should be ashamed of yourselves; really.
I'm going to skip to the moment afterwards, and you can just close your eyes and imagine what they've just been up to, and be sure to wash your hands when you've finished.
Now, back to the narrative. N.F.)
Oh yes. That was…special
That was, I don't know how to describe it. You know when you're playing football (the soccer variety; not the type that pretends to be rugby, only with body armor) and no-one on your team passes the ball to you because you're useless and they didn't want to pick you anyway, and you intercept a pass from the opposition by accident and miss-kick it and it goes looping through the air and into the opposition net?
Well, it's better than that.
I have to say, as a representative of the Human Race, and that's not always been a pleasant task for me, I think I held my own.
I admit to being halted in my tracks, so to speak, when she first removed her clothing. But I was soon back in my stride and, you know, I didn't mind the extra breast, especially when I learned that all the fixtures and fittings down below worked just fine and were a perfect match for my set, just as Aely-lel is for me, and I for her.
When this is all done and dusted, I'm coming back here and setting up home with her and I don't care what anyone says about that because that's what's going to happen. So there.
Chapter 26 Now, you cannot be serious!
‘Before the court makes its final decision on my sentence, I would ask that I be allowed to present some new evidence to the court.’
‘It is a little late for mitigation,’ the judge-guy says.
‘Not in mitigation, your lordship. More in the area of sharing blame. For I am not the only one here who is guilty of Crimes Against Balance.’
Suddenly it feels like everyone is looking at me. She can’t mean me, can she?
Millie turns to look straight at me. The judge-guy does the same. The pink glistening creature that was sitting next to me has moved along a bit and now it’s also looking at me, with at least three of its stalky eyes.
I look around in case the guilty party is right behind me, but no such luck.
‘Please continue,’ says judge-guy.
A 3-D display appears at the front of the court, and I’m not happy about it at all, because it’s me on Greenhaven, and I’m taking a crowbar to the earth-rapers, and now it’s showing me being rescued by the marines, or whatever they were. And now it’s showing me on the Step World, with those enigmatic arm-swinging giants. Oh, I’ve just noticed, there’s a column to the right of the display and it showing half red and half black. I’ve no idea what it means.
The display disappears.
‘So, your Highness, I believe that I have proven my case, and Philip Humphrey Chandler is guilty of Crimes Against Balance and therefore his testimony should be discounted.'
I'm looking at the judge-guy, hoping that he'll start laughing and say, 'don't be silly', but he hasn't started yet. Instead he's consulting with his officials; he does a lot of that, I've noticed. Is it a delaying tactic, or is he just not very clever? I hope he'll be clever enough to see through Millie's trickery.
I'm thinking about the display that Millie showed. How could anything I had done be described as a crime? I only stopped Millie from stealing Earth's most precious resource; how could that be bad? And I only said a few words to the giants before one threw me away. So that can't be something against balance, can it? I wish Neville was here to answer my questions with a positive spin, but all I've got is you and, I don't want to be rude or anything, but you haven't been much use so far, so I don't hold out much hope that you'll suddenly chip in with a helpful and pertinent suggestion.
Please feel free to prove me wrong, any time now would be nice.
No?
Just me then?
The judge-guy looks ready to speak now. He's waved away the officials and he's turning towards Millie. That's good, isn't it? In as far as he's not turning towards me.
'Thank you for your presentation to the court. It was interesting and thought provoking. After due deliberation, the court finds that your accusations are spurious...'
I want to stand up and cheer, but I'm not entirely sure what he means.
'…and without merit.'
Oh, this is beginning to sound good, I think.
'Whilst the facts of the case presented are indisputable, and clearly show that Philippa Humphrey Chandler's actions did constitute a breach of Balance Protocols…'
Oh no, this isn't sounding so good.
'… the court finds no evidence of awareness of the consequence of his actions, and so guilt cannot be assigned.'
Yes! That's good, isn't it? I always knew that never giving thought to the consequences of my actions was a great policy, despite my mother's opinions on the matter.
'If the court will allow,' Millie is staring at me with all five eyes, 'I can provide proof of foreknowledge of the consequences of his actions that will convince the court of the worthiness of my argument.'
How can she prove something that isn't true?
I can hear Neville's voice in my head, 'She's a level 9, Philip. They can do almost anything they want to do.'
The display is back, and now I'm in a room, with Julie and Sam, and I'm explaining to them exactly what I'm going to do, and I keep using the phrase 'against balance' as if it's nervous verbal tick I've just developed.
It's obviously fake, because Sam isn't wearing a hat or face-paint, and Julie is shown pouring a cup of coffee and handing it to me, without a single sarcastic comment.
Judge-guy has got his officials back, and they're all chattering away ten to the dozen, and Millie is looking at me, and I know she hasn't got a human face on at the moment, but that is definitely a smirk.
Things are looking bad for me, I think, and I don't even know what that means. Will I be locked away for the rest of my natural, or will
he just say 'don't be a naughty boy again'?
The officials have stepped back, and if Neville was here I’d be asking for a squirt to safety, or a Knock-Knock joke.
The judge-guy is just about to announce his judgement when there's a disturbance at the door and in comes Aely-lel.
Obviously I'm pleased to see her, and she looks especially nice in her smart six-piece business suit, but I don't want her to get into trouble because of me, not unless it's absolutely necessary and the only way I can escape a life on the chain-gang.
She's talking to the judge-guy, and he seems to be listening.
It's been a couple of minutes now, and he's still listening, so whatever she's saying must be effective, and I don't think she's threatened him with a gun yet.
Ah, here we go. She's turned away and she's walking towards me, and now she’s sitting with me, and she's holding hands with me, and I'm not sure if it's in a 'we’re going to be fine' sort of way, or if it's a 'these might be our last moments together' sort of way.
The judge-guy is speaking now.
'Certain timing irregularities have been brought to the court's attention which cast doubt on the veracity of the evidence just presented.'
That sounds good. I give Aely-lel’s furry hand a squeeze.
‘The time-stamp on the recording you have just presented indicates that these statements were made six days (if my NF was getting this directly he would have explained that when he says days, he doesn’t mean 24 hours like we would, and if he mentions hours, he won’t mean a period of 60 minutes, and when he mentions minutes…you get the gist. I just thought I’d clear that up for you) before Philippa Humphrey Chandler attacked your harvesters with…a crowbar, it seems. How very primitive of him. But your earlier evidence suggests that he did not know about the harvesters until a few hours before his attack on your property.’
‘Perhaps there was a little confusion here about time zones and temporal shifts. Let me explain…’
