“Granger says it’s more enjoyable if a woman does that for a man,” I tell him in a matter of fact tone.
Randolph starts to laugh. He rises up on his elbow, and his eyes spark at me.
“Aren’t you full of surprises?” he says. “I hope you are not suggesting I request it of you,” he mumbles in a low voice. “It would ruin all that innocence I like to believe is a part of your character. Would you bring me that towel?” he asks, changing the subject. “And dampen it for me.”
I dampen the towel and come over to where he is lying in the bed. I start to hand it to him, and as I do, he looks at me seriously, with those ice blue eyes of his. Then he reaches his hand up behind my head, and lowers my head to his, covering my mouth with his lips.
At the feel of his lips, I make a little murmur, but then he has both hands on either side of my head, capturing it, as his mouth moves over mine in a deep passionate kiss. When he releases me, I take in my breath and stare down at him. “I shouldn’t have been watching you,” I say. “I didn’t think that…”
“You seemed so intrigued. I thought…”
“I...I couldn’t help it. There is nothing to do while you sleep during the day. What else am I going to look at?” I try to explain.
“I guess I was hoping that your interest was actually something more than…” he doesn’t finish because I interrupt.
“Well, it did mean something. It means that I enjoy looking at you,” I find myself admitting.
“You enjoying looking at me may be a might too risky,” he says, and he takes the cloth out of my hand while I turn my back, too embarrassed to watch him using it.
I feel mortified because I had impulsively watched him without shame. He didn’t like that I was watching him, I think. Only what did he expect, I fume inside? That is when I get up and go out of the cabin, escaping out on deck.
I wonder why I wanted to watch him sleeping, admiring his muscular body? I didn’t even try to analyze it before, but then I have always been too impulsive, I chide. I wonder what Randolph must think of me? He wanted to believe I was an innocent virgin, which was far from the truth, considering I had a child growing inside of me. Then I feel Randolph’s arm going around my waist, as he comes up to stand beside me.
“You know you are driving me to distraction,” he whispers in my ear. “Every time I look at you, my body goes wild, and I want to touch you. I have to keep reminding myself that you have given your heart to someone else. And then you say something to me like that in such matter of fact way, like you do that for men all the time. You confuse me Mazy. You claim to love another, yet you look at me as though you cared about me more than just with idle interest. I dream of you, giving me pleasure, the way you so boldly suggested. I long for the very touch of your fingers whether it is just in passing if it can’t be intimate. I couldn’t help myself, Mazy. I just had to know how your lips felt beneath mine.”
I feel his hand push between the gap in the back of my dress, and he softly caresses my bottom.
“Maybe you are missing a man’s touch, I can’t tell. Only the way you look at my body… if you just want to share pleasure, at least it will appease me a little, I guess.”
He does not sound very happy as he says the words though. Only his hand continues to smooth over my bottom, and I realize I do miss the feel of a man’s touch, and I am going to be on this ship with him for a year. Granger is so far away by now, I don’t know how I am ever going to get back to him?
When I don’t pull away, from Randolph’s hand, he moves a little closer to me, and I feel his other hand push down the collar of my dress until I can feel his fingers caressing me.
“I could give you pleasure if that is all you are seeking,” Randolph whispers in my ear, as I shiver at the feel of his hands on me.
Then he lifts his hand from my breast and turns my head to face him. He captures my lips and begins to plunder my mouth, gently, working his tongue against my inner cheeks. I am starting to tremble, so I turn and grab around his neck with my arms. Randolph puts his foot up on the bottom rail of the guard and places my leg over his knee as he pulls against my bottom. I am crushed to him, my skirt over his leg, with his hardness pressing through his trousers, against my bare skin. I can’t stop from softly whimpering, when I feel his hand pushing from behind, as he awakens every nerve in my body, and starts to bring me to completion. My body shutters and he puts his mouth to my ear.
“Is that what you have been longing for?” he whispers, as he removes his hand and lowers my leg. My back is against the rail, and I can feel his hard body pressing against mine. His mouth has captured mine again, while he starts to move slowly, as though he is making love to me. I find myself moving against him in order to feel the pressure of his body against mine, through the material of his trousers, moving his bulk against me, which continues to excite me.
Randolph’s mouth works passionately against mine, as we cling to each other. My hair swirls about our faces, as he breathes me in, exploring my mouth with an eagerness that leaves me breathless. I begin to moan softly, feeling him against me so hard and desperate. I can tell as he releases a low groan that his desire has been satisfied, the same as mine. He lowers his head to my breast, and kisses over my skin, exposed by the low neckline.
When his breathing returns to normal, he just hugs me to him, as we stand there in the salt spray at the bow of the ship.
“What am I going to do with you, Mazy?” he asks. “What am I ever going to do with you?”
I don’t know how long we stand there, holding on to each other, the warmth of his body, still pressed tightly against mine. I am starting to enjoy him holding me like that. I begin to wonder if it is because I miss Granger’s arms, or if it is because I want Randolph’s arms around me?
“You should wash your dress,” he tells me. “You have been wearing it without any change for too long. You won’t be able to wear it until it dries.”
“I can wear one of your shirts,” I say, with a small smile.
He shakes his head.
“No, I don’t think so. You watch me sleeping in the nude every day. I think you enjoy looking at my body, and now, it is my turn to see your body as well.”
He pulls me down into the cabin, removing my dress, once we are inside.
“I’ll take this out and wash it for you,” he says, and then he goes back up on deck.
Randolph returns after a few minutes, and when he closes the door, he comes over to me with a cloth he had dipped in the basin and begins to wash my body. When he is finished, he steps back and looks at me. I can see, his body responding to the sight of me. When he sees my eyes widen, he grins.
“Just seeing you like that, excites me,” he whispers, and he comes over and puts his arms around me, holding me next to him, so I can feel the bulk of him pressing against my stomach. “Let’s lie on the bed together,” he suggests, and he picks me up and places me on the bed.
Randolph lays next to me and starts to trail his fingers over my body in a lazy manner.
“I just like the feel of you under my fingers,” he tells me, as he continues to lightly stroll his fingers over me.
The light touch, causes my body to quiver, as I lie on my back beside him and he rests on his side, looking down at me.
“You know I love every little nook and cranny about you,” he says. “I could never tire of touching you like this.”
Randolph continues to show me how much he enjoys his exploration of my body with his touch. Because it is starting to get late, I start to fall asleep, at his gentle touch, but he does not stop caressing me. I am vaguely aware that his mouth begins to caress me as well, and I feel myself stretching, and arching my back, as he begins to fondle my skin. The warmth of his lips cover my skin, exploring my body with his mouth, sucking my skin in, and nibbling here and there.
I can feel my breathing quicken as he touches all those places on my body that excite me. I start to whimper, each time he teases me with his mouth, breathing again
st me, kissing me lightly, running his fingers lightly over me, just enough to make me catch my breath. His mouth continues to taunt me, licking and darting lightly over my skin, as my whole body quivers in anticipation.
“Do you wish me to continue,” he whispers.
“Only you are not getting any pleasure,” I respond.
“Just doing this, gives me pleasure,” he tells me.
“You must want to feel the same thing I am feeling,” I insist. “I could let you…”
“I thought you loved someone else,” he whispers. “I am already overstepping my bounds just doing this.”
“I feel bad about Granger,” I say sadly. “I was just beginning to love him, but I don’t know if I can cling to that love for a year, not even knowing if I will ever see him again,” I admit.
“If I make love to you, you cannot turn back, Mazy. Because I will be making love to you, not just using your body. Then it won’t matter how you feel about Granger. I will claim you as my own, and as soon as we reach a port, you will become my wife for real. If you don’t want that, then this is all we can share, just a few pleasures of the body.”
“Every time I watch you sleep, all I can think about is how it would feel to have you make love to me,” I admit. “If I am thinking those things, I wonder if I really do love Granger? Or maybe I am just wanton.”
“The way you were kissing me earlier gives me hope, Mazy. You respond to my every touch and crave more. I wouldn’t mind having a wanton wife,” he chuckles.
“I can’t agree to be your wife, not right away, anyway,” I murmur.
“I wouldn’t want you too unless you were sure. I am afraid to love you, Mazy, because after you have the baby you are carrying, you may not want to be with me on my ship any longer. Being with Granger may sound more stable to you.”
“I hadn’t thought of that,” I say. “How can I raise a child on a ship?”
“It’s been done before, but it is not easy,” he tells me.
“Then let’s not talk about it now,” I say. “I don’t want to make a mistake, and I don’t want to hurt you by giving you hope like I gave Granger.”
Randolph looks longingly at me.
“Perhaps you are right. If you are going to love me, I want to know that you truly do love me,” he says. “I don’t want you pretending to love me like you said you did with Ganger. I don’t want you marrying me, just because I love you so much that you can’t turn me down. Your feelings for me have to be more than just wanting to give me pleasure in order to show your appreciation, or wondering what it would be like to have me inside of you. Like I told you before, there is more to love than a man making a woman feel good by touching her.”
I notice his body has started to relax, but his fingers continue to touch me, idly, as he looks down on me.
“I think I started something I shouldn’t have,” he murmurs, sounding a little disappointed.
He continues to caress me with his mouth, but I know he is only doing it to be kind, and though I whimper with pleasure, I realize he is restraining himself. After a while, he lifts his head.
“I have to go back up on deck,” he says quietly, and he gets up from the bed, and starts to put his clothes back on.
I lie trembling and feeling suddenly lonely. Maybe he is right, I think. I don’t even know if I love Granger, or if I am falling in love with Randolph? Maybe all I want is a man touching me, I decide. Only it doesn’t seem to be enough, I murmur as I bury my face in the pillow.
By the time I am waking in the morning, Randolph stumbles into the room and hands me my dress. He takes his shirt off, but leaves his trousers on and then collapses onto the bed. He doesn’t even say anything to me, but merely turns his face to the wall and falls asleep almost immediately.
I stand looking at his back. I realize things between us are subtly changing. He doesn’t want to see me with no clothes on, nor does he want me to see him nude any longer either. Maybe it is better that way, I think. I am going to have a baby and I can’t see myself raising my child on the high seas. Randolph lives on the ocean. I am a ranch girl. All I know about are cows and horses. There is no way to ride a horse out in the middle of the ocean. I should just hold out and hope that Granger has not given up hope that I am still alive.
Slowly, I put my dress on, and then I leave the cabin and wander out on the deck. Randolph has informed me he doesn’t like me to spend a lot of time on deck alone when he is not with me, but I tell myself it doesn’t matter. I am not going to be his wife or even his pretend wife. I am just this displaced ranch girl, having someone’s baby, and I don’t even know who the father is. If I ever get back to New York, I am going to shoot Martin myself, hopefully, right in front of his wife, I determine! I smile to myself as I think not until I have told her in front of him, why I am shooting him.
I spend the whole day out on deck, watching the sailors working. They all eye me, but I feel no real fright. After the two characters on the dock who tried to rape me, I have lost any fear I would have felt at one time. Some of the men stop what they are doing, and begin talking to me. I start telling them about my ranch and my horse I had to leave behind. I hope Granger is taking good care of Rocket. Pretty soon there are quite a few men gathered around me, talking and joking and laughing as I tell about how Granger fell in the cactus and I had to pull the thorns out of his bottom when I had never seen a man like that before.
Suddenly everyone becomes quiet and I feel a hand on my shoulder, as the men start to scatter.
“I see you are distracting my crew from performing their duties,” Randolph says in a low voice. “I thought I told you not to wander on the deck without me?”
“They weren’t harming me,” I say in defiance.
Randolph’s grip tightens.
“That is beside the point. I requested you did not do it, and you ignore my warning. The men were just feeling you out, sizing you up, probably deciding among themselves when would be the best time to catch you when you least expected it. Make friends with you, gain your trust, and then find some way to use that trust.
“You don’t seem to understand. These men will be a whole year without a woman, at least when they are not in port along the way, which is few and far between. Their bodies sometimes rule their minds, just the way mine did yesterday.
“I realize that now. I should never have taken advantage of your weakness and your need for a man’s touch the way I did. I, of all people should have known better. So I know just what is going through my crew’s minds, Mazy, and I am not going to allow you to dangle yourself in front of them.”
He puts his hand on my upper arm and guides me to the cabin.
“I think you have had enough air for today,” he states, as he pushes me inside. “And I think from now on, we need to keep our clothes on when we are around each other. I overstepped my bounds yesterday and I don’t intend for it to happen again.”
After he makes the statement, he turns and leaves the room and goes out the door, leaving me staring after him. I feel a sudden deadness inside of me, as I sink down onto the bed. I realize I am going to detest this voyage because Randolph has decided I am never going to marry him or love him, and he suddenly doesn’t want me to anyway.
I take my dress off and lay down on the bed. I don’t cover up. I am angry. I want to defy Randolph. He had shown me what his touch could do. Now he is relinquishing it on purpose, as a punishment to me for making him want to do it in the first place. I want him to find me, sprawled on the bed, with my legs apart and my bare breast exposed, when he comes back to the cabin again, just to show him what he is refusing. I also vow he will never have it, whether I want him to have me or not. Because now, even if he wants me, I will not let him touch me, but I will make him wish he could, I resolve.
I am woken suddenly as Randolph throws my dress in my face.
“Cover yourself up,” he snaps, in a clipped voice. “Don’t start acting wantonly with me, or you may regret it!”
I glare at hi
m, as he rubs his forehead with his hand and then turns his back to me.
“Give me another room if you hate seeing me so much,” I growl as I pull my dress on.
“No place to put you, my dear,” he almost hisses. “Otherwise I would.”
He jerks me up off of the bed and throws himself down on it, without even taking his shirt off.
“And don’t you go wandering around on deck either,” he warns.
“You want me to sit here and watch you sleep?” I pout. “Once you fall asleep, you won’t be able to stop me,” I tell him.
Randolph jumps up, takes a key from his desk and locks the door. Then he puts the key in his pocket and lays back down on the bed, giving me a satisfied smirk.
“You are a brute,” I say, as I plop down in the chair across from the bed.
“I never claimed not to be,” he grumbles.
I sit frowning at him as he lies with his back to me. I am beginning to hate him. He is controlling my life worse than Granger tried to do. At least Granger was kind and helpful and stayed by me because he loved me and didn’t want anything to happen to me. He wanted to show me how being loved by a man made that act, that Martin thrust upon me, more wonderful than I could imagine. Even though in the beginning, Randolph wanted to give me pleasure, once he realized he may not get to keep me for good, he just turns his back on me. At least, Granger would never give up, no matter what I did to anger him.
I realize how much I miss Granger, and for the first hour, I sit and remember all the things Granger and I had done together. Only eventually, the memories are too painful and I feel stifled in the small cabin. I notice that Randolph is breathing heavily and I approach the bed and lay my lips on his cheek, but he doesn’t stir, so I push my hand into his pocket and retrieve the key. Quietly, I unlock the door, then place the key on the desk, and make my escape.
I grab a book from the bookcase, as I pass, and put an apple in the pocket of my dress. I don’t want to draw attention to myself or let the crew know I am on the deck alone, so I find a secluded place in one of the rowboats. I lie down to read my book, while the sun shines down on me. I throw my head back and look up at the clouds and the sails billowing in the wind. The smell of the ocean fills my senses, while a loneliness settles over me.
Spit and Grit Page 10
