by M. T. Pope
“Damn, baby, I’m sorry. This is the first time in a long time that I have been this fucked up.” He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. I was sick to my stomach just looking at the pile of vomit on my carpet.
“That’s all right, babe,” I said, getting up out of my seat and headed toward the utility closet. “I’ll clean it up. Just go on upstairs and get in the shower, because you have throw-up all over you.” My face was frowned up because adult vomit and baby vomit were too different types of vomit. Adults’ vomit smelled far worse than babies’ vomit.
“Thank you, baby.” He slurred as he got up, staggered a little, and then rode the banister all the way upstairs. I watched him bobble a little when he got to the top. I prayed that he would make it to the bedroom without waking the kids. I didn’t hear anything after a few seconds so I assumed that he made it. I just hoped he didn’t vomit in my bed. I was going to hurt him if he did.
“Crazy self.” I shook my head and went back to cleaning the carpet. “Eww,” I mumbled as I got on my knees and began to spray and scrub. A couple of minutes later I was finished. I was thinking that I would do a second scrub on it but decided against it. It was six in the afternoon and I usually didn’t leave the house this late with the kids, but I decided to get out of the house and take the children over to my mother’s house for the rest of the evening and let Kyle have a peaceful slumber. I didn’t want the boys to be getting loud and wake him up. I had had a hangover once and loud noises were painful.
It didn’t take me long to clean up the house a little bit more and then get the boys ready to go.
I took them both out to Kyle’s car, with Farrow in a car seat and Kaynon walking beside me while I held his hand. I took Kyle’s car because I didn’t want to drive the minivan, or the mommy mobile, as I called it. Kyle’s car was faster and I love the way I looked in it. I was superficial at times. I got them both into the car and headed over to my parents’ house.
I pulled up to my parents’ house about twenty minutes later, got the boys out of the car, and headed up the walkway to the door. Instantly, the door popped open and my father appeared with open arms as he took Farrow from me. Kaynon scurried into the house really fast.
“Pop-pop,” Kaynon cooed with his arms stretched up toward my father. My father smiled and then bent down to retrieve him. I loved to see the look on my father’s face when he had the kids in his arms.
“Hey, baby.” My mother was coming out of the kitchen with a dish of food in her hand. “You made it.”
“Yes, ma’am.” I hugged her and then put down the small diaper bag I had with me. “Just in time, too.” I loved my mother’s cooking and hospitality; she was such a good homemaker. That was why I patterned myself after her.
“I bet,” she chuckled. “Have a seat. You better be thankful I made extra.” I giggled because I knew that a home-cooked meal was just what the doctor ordered. I loved to be served every now and then too.
Daddy brought the children into the dining room with us and we all sat down to eat. We ate and talked for the next two hours and then I decided to make my way back home. Surely, Kyle would be in a deep sleep now. He was going to feel it in the morning.
I pulled up in front of my house, all ready to get the kids of the car. I decided against leaving the kids over at my parents’ house, because after thinking about it, I didn’t want to have drunk or hangover sex with my husband. That was not the best idea of sex to me.
Farrow was wide awake and decided to launch his pacifier at me, which fell in front of me and rolled under my car seat. I fumbled and reached underneath the seat trying to reach it, but in the process I felt something else that was attached to the bottom of the car’s seat. I pulled out what looked like a DVD in a clear, crystal-type case.
“What is this?” I wondered out loud. The DVD didn’t have any writing on it so it made me curious about what was on it. As a woman, I was very meticulous in the things I did and saw. My stomach started to lurch a little, letting me know that something wasn’t right. With all the sex tapes that these celebrities were having nowadays my stomach got even sicker. I was actually scared to watch it, but I knew now that I couldn’t do anything until I did. I hated situations like these; they left you bound in suspicion and curiosity until you got to the bottom of the situation. I stuffed it in the baby’s diaper bag, grabbed the kids, and went into the house.
When I got in the house I was, as they say, “out to lunch” in my head. I was gone. I was in overdrive with the possibilities that could lie on that disk. I thought about my husband’s past and the tears welled up in my eyes. I didn’t want to go through this. I shouldn’t have been going through this.
“No,” I moaned a little in despair. I didn’t know what I was going to do if I had to leave my husband. I didn’t have a job, and Lord knows I couldn’t tell my parents what was going on. I think my father would kill him. There would a dead man and a dead woman walking if my father found out. He was so adamant about being careful about Kyle and his history, but my mother convinced him otherwise.
I assumed Kyle was still asleep, because I didn’t hear any stirring going on upstairs. I was in the living room trying to put the children to sleep. The whole time my focus was on the diaper bag and the disk.
“Hush little baby don’t say a word, momma’s going to buy you a ...” I paused the singing I was doing as I was rocking Farrow in my arms. I sobbed a little because my heart was breaking. I knew what the truth was already. I knew it. As a woman, I knew it. I didn’t like it and I definitely didn’t want to see it, but again, I had to look. I had to see. I had to know.
After an hour both of the kids were asleep. I carried both of them upstairs one by one and then I went into our bedroom and looked at Kyle sprawled out across the bed, with one leg in his pants and the other out.
“Why?” I stood in the doorway and watched his chest heave up and down repeatedly. His mouth was wide open. He was out for the count. I loved my husband, but at this moment I wanted to grab a pillow off the bed and put it over his face and end his life. I wanted to watch him fight and fight and fight and fight to breathe. I wanted to watch his arms flail in the air as the air he so desperately needed escaped him. I wanted to watch him claw at the bed as I sat on top of him and pushed down harder and harder, watching his life dissipate from his body. And after every ounce of life was gone I would spit on his face for lying to me about not ever betraying me for his past. ’Til death do us part ... for better or worse ... in sickness and health. We’d had better, but was this the worse that I was waiting for? Anticipating? Pleading with to pass us by? I wasn’t ready ... I couldn’t handle this ... right now. But this was my hand that the dealer had dealt. He wasn’t partial in his dealing; he just shelled out the cards and you got what you got. Here I was in this life-changing situation. . . hesitating about the inevitable.
I walked out of the room, down the steps, and into the living room. I sat down on the floor in front of the bag and just looked at it for a few minutes. It was just me and it. There was quiet all through the house. My heartbeat was the only thing that could be heard and it sounded like the police beating on a door right now.
Finally I pulled myself together and removed the disk from the bag. My hand trembled as I walked to the basement door, opened it, and closed it behind me. I felt like I was going to the showdown at the O.K. Corral. It didn’t take me long to get to the bottom of the steps and place the disk into our Blu-ray player. The screen to the television came on. I didn’t want to sit, but standing there in the middle of the basement seemed odd. I watched a blue screen for a few seconds and then the “movie” started.
I gasped at what I saw on the screen. A scream was what normally came out when you watched what I was watching right now. I tried to scream but nothing happened. Everything in me was dying right now. Everything. My life had drained from my legs and I collapsed onto the floor. I lay there almost paralyzed as I continued to watch the scene play out in front of me. Then I began to heave
and heave and then vomit all of the food that I had eaten today.
I blacked out and awoke to a dark room. The disk had stopped and I was on the floor lying in my own liquids. I must have pissed myself as well because I felt wetness beneath me.
“Oh God, why? Why me?” I sobbed. “Not my life.” I wanted the floor open up and swallow me. I wanted to die right then and there. I couldn’t confront this. I didn’t want to do this. How could this be happening to me? I thought that I was a good person. I thought I was exempt from this type of pain. It was now clear that I wasn’t, because here I was in this situation.
After a few more minutes of wallowing, I got up and barely made it to the sofa that was against the wall. I didn’t know what to do with what I had; I didn’t know if I wanted to expose the truth. I wanted to go to my computer, make a copy of the disk, and put the original back where I found it, but what kind of woman would I be to do that? What kind of wife? What kind of mother? So no, I had to expose it. I just didn’t know how. And then it popped into my head. I was going to do the unthinkable. I had to do it and accept the consequences.
Chapter 18
Kyle
Hung Over
I woke up the next day, as hung over as I possibly could be. I was so glad that it was a Saturday morning and I didn’t really have to do anything. I felt around the bed and then snuggled up to my wife, who was sleeping like a baby.
“Morning.” I kissed her on the nape of her neck. She didn’t respond. I assumed she was tired, because being a full-time mother was no joke. I didn’t take all that she did around here and what she did for my children for granted. So hangover and all I decided to get up and check on the children. I wobbled a little into their room and peeked into Farrow’s crib and then over at Kaynon on his race car bed. They were still sleeping, but I knew that soon they would be awake, so I picked them both up and carried them downstairs. It was time for me to give my wife a break for a change.
When I got down to the kitchen everything was in order and I really didn’t know where everything was located. I almost never cooked in the kitchen, because I let my wife have total control over how it was run. I wasn’t the best cook, either.
My wife was a beast with organization, very detailed. We had a small kitchenette table and chair set in the kitchen so I grabbed the high chair for Kaynon and strapped Farrow into his little car seat. I was going to whip us up some good food to eat: scrambled eggs, potatoes, and ham sounded good. That was really the best thing I could cook to tell you the truth. I grabbed a bottle out of the refrigerator and heated it up in the microwave for Farrow, and gave Kaynon one of those toddler breakfasts, and prepared the meal for me and my wife. Again, I wasn’t the best cook, but I did what I could in the kitchen today. I was in my robe and slippers and I had some soft jazz playing as I cooked. I was a happy man. I had evidence to get the sergeant off of my back for good. I planned on watching the tape soon to see what was on it so I could describe it to the sergeant and threaten to go to his wife and my wife if he didn’t back up off of me.
While I was cooking I heard my wife sloshing down the steps in her slippers. She sauntered into the kitchen with a plain look on her face. It was completely drained and void of emotion.
“Hey, baby.” I walked up to her as she just sat at the kitchenette table and played with Farrow whimsically.
“Hey.” That was all she said as she looked at me with a faint smile. I could tell something was wrong. It looked as if she was more hung over than I was. I went back to cooking our food.
“Is everything okay?” I had the spatula in my hand as I turned from cooking our food. “You don’t look too good.”
“I’m okay.” She got up out of the chair and walked over to our back door and peeked out of the curtains. She was beginning to worry me.
“You sure?” I knew that as her husband if I didn’t show her that I was totally interested in her wellbeing that there would be hell to pay. My wife wasn’t the typical wife; she let a lot of my foolishness slide. As a man, I knew that I could be hard to deal with and my quietness was not always a turn-on, so I knew now that communication with all people, especially my wife, was key to getting along in this world. “Babe, go in to the dining room and I’ll bring you in a plate of food.”
“Sure.” She walked right past me. I went to kiss her on the cheek and she flinched. I was a little thrown by it.
“What’s wrong?” I grabbed her by her arm lightly, and pulled her toward me. “Something’s not right.” I looked her in the eyes and her eyes shifted away from me. I didn’t know what was going on with her, but I knew something wasn’t right.
“I’m ... I’m just not feeling well.” She put her hand on her stomach and a tear slid out of her left eye. “I think I’m coming down with something.”
“Really?” I asked with the sincerest concern possible. My wife almost never got sick and when she did it was not pretty. “How long have you been feeling this way?” I felt her forehead and it was slightly warm, but not feverish.
“Just a day,” she mumbled. It was as if she had no energy. I let her go and she walked into the dining room. I immediately went to take-care-of-my-wife mode. She was always there for me, even at my weakest, and now it was her turn to be tended to.
I finished the food and fixed her plate. I quickly went into the dining room and placed it in front of her. She was just sitting there with a blank look on her face. I swiftly went back into the kitchen, and grabbed my plate and Farrow. I sat him close to her for a second while I went back in the kitchen to grab Kaynon and his high chair. Both of the children were bubbly and giggly at this point. This seemed to perk her up a little as a smile crept across her face as Farrow blew some spit bubbles her way. We were having a family moment and I was feeling it. It seemed liked my hangover was nonexistent as I sat there in the midst of my family.
She began to eat and so did I. She even complimented me on my fried potatoes. I was beaming on the inside. I couldn’t have been any happier at that moment. I played with and tickled Farrow as he chewed on his teething ring.
It took me back to when she first had had Kaynon and we were in the hospital. It was the proudest moment of my life. I couldn’t even really describe holding my son in my arms for the first time and the glow that my wife had on her before and after she had him.
I was on cloud nine that day; it seemed like all of my prayers were answered and all of my problems disappeared when he was pushed out of her womb. The only thing I didn’t have was my parents to share it with. I left them a message saying that I had a son, but they never returned my calls. I assumed they were still heartbroken when I told them that I had a gay lifestyle for a few years. Again, I would call them from time to time and each time the phone would ring and go straight to voice mail. But after my son was born I washed my hands of them. It was their loss and my gain. I had a new life and I was happy. Then came the sergeant and his mess. I shuddered at the thought of him. A thorn in my side he was. I like that ... was.
Then all of a sudden my wife just burst into tears and started sobbing uncontrollably. She got up and ran upstairs and then I heard the bathroom door slam shut. She could be pregnant. That would be a nice thing. I went back to entertaining the kids. I was hoping she would be in a better mood by tomorrow, because it was family night and her parents were coming over for dinner. I didn’t want a repeat of the last time we had dinner and the sergeant wanted a special dessert.
Chapter 19
Tasha
All Cried Out
I sat on the toilet in the bathroom and sobbed uncontrollably for what seemed like hours, but in actuality it was only fifteen minutes. The looks on my family’s faces this morning almost made me regret what I was going to do tomorrow.
I got up and looked at myself in the mirror. I gasped a little, because I almost didn’t recognize myself. My eyes were swollen and my hair was disheveled. I looked like the ghost of Tasha and not myself. I felt like I was lost inside of myself and I was trapped in my head; my
head was full of scenarios and scenes that a director controlled and not I. So much could happen tomorrow and so much would change. The truth would be revealed and I didn’t know how to deal with what I saw the outcome to be. Have you done something that you had to? No matter the consequences you had to say it and be strong when you did it. I wanted to run; run away from all of the problems, people, pain, hurt, and dismay, but I had to stay and live for my babies and keep my head up. No matter what I had to be strong.
“Girl, get it together,” I spoke to myself in the bathroom mirror.
I cut the water on and doused myself in the face to really wake me up. I grab some Bioré facial scrub off of my vanity mirror and scrubbed my face really quick.
I had to wash some of the tears and pain away.
“Serenity now, serenity now,” I chanted a little as I prepared to open the bathroom door and head back to my family. I was going to make the best of this day because I didn’t know what was going to happen tomorrow.
I opened the door and right in front of the door was my husband with Farrow in his arms and Kaynon standing next to him, looking like they had lost their way. My heart melted and instantly felt like there could be hope in this situation.
“How long have you been standing there?” I asked with faint smile.
“A couple of minutes.” He had on that What-can-Ido-to-fix-this face.
“I’m better now.” I picked up Kaynon and headed back downstairs and into the living room.
I sat down on the couch and let Kaynon play in the middle of the floor with his toys. I cut on the television so that he could have something to look at as well. SpongeBob SquarePants was on Nickelodeon and he was watching and playing with his toys back and forth. Kyle had come down and sat on the floor with and played with Farrow in his baby seat. I tried not to focus on the kids, but my mind wandered back again to when I was a little girl. I would play with my dolls just like my son was playing with his GI Joes right now.
