Dee put the decanter down carefully. She was suddenly filled with outraged anger. “But why the hell do you feel so goddamn guilty about it! Have I ever beaten you? Do I send you to bed without your supper like a naughty little girl? Why the hell do you have to behave like I’m going to take your ‘fix’ away from you?” Her hands were shaking with the violent emotions inside her. “I expect you to have to go out, to have to work late on occasion, to be a human being living up to a human being’s obligations! Why do you act as if you were some kind of Judas?”
“Dee . . .” Karen mouthed, her eyes large with confusion.
“I assume you tell me the truth; I assume you trust me; I assume you realize that I trust you. . . . The only reason you can possibly have for being so afraid to tell me is that you are not telling the truth—either to me or to yourself.”
307
PA U L A C H R I S T I A N
“That’s not true!”
“Then what is?”
“It’s just that I feel as if I’m deserting you, like . . .”
“Like you shouldn’t have a good time unless it’s with me?” Dee offered Karen the out, waiting to see if she’d be able to be honest enough with herself not to need it.
“Something like that . . .”
“But that’s idiotic!” She wished Karen could have admitted that she enjoyed being with a man—with Seth. But she argued it Karen’s way. “I have good times without you. . . . I don’t feel guilty about it.
Why should you?”
The unexpected ringing of the phone stopped them both up short. They looked at each other in stubborn contest as to which one should answer it.
Finally, Dee walked over and lifted the receiver.
“Yes?” She tried to sound calm.
“Dee? Seth. I’m trying to reach Karen. . . .”
Dee fought the greatest urge to tell him to take the telephone and give it an anatomical thrust. “She’s . . . she’s here, as a matter of fact,” Dee said at last, not knowing exactly what Karen had told him about where she lived or with whom.
“Hold on a second,” she said slowly, and thought, I’m trying to reach her, too.
She handed the receiver to Karen and finished pouring the drinks.
Karen’s voice sounded restrained and embarrassed. “Hello?”
The ice in Dee’s glass clinked loudly.
“What? Oh, sure, Seth. No . . . no, I’ll be there tomorrow night.
My . . . my aunt isn’t coming into town after all. . . .”
So that’s what she had stalled him with, Dee thought bitterly. She had to check first before she could give him a definite answer—I’m an aunt again. Oh, Christ!
“No. I think the Algonquin is better for someone like him. You can always fill in the conversation lags with the history of the place. . . .” Her voice was muffled somewhat, but Dee could hear enough.
308
A N O T H E R K I N D O F L O V E
Dee snickered. The Algonquin. Well, that was innocuous enough.
She drank down her drink in one gulp and refilled the glass despite Karen’s disapproving glare.
Finally, Karen hung up.
“I didn’t ask him to call, you know,” she threw out defensively. It was about business. . . . You don’t have go into an alcoholic stupor as if I’m setting up an appointment to whore!”
Dee downed the second drink and glared back at her. “I don’t like you to talk that way—it doesn’t become you.” She suddenly thought of Rita and couldn’t help wondering if somehow, one day, Karen would turn out the same way if they stayed on together.
“Are you kidding? You don’t know enough about what I really think to know what does or doesn’t become me. All you can do is dissect and analyze and read in meanings I’ve never even thought of.”
“Oh, hell!” Dee muttered, and started up the stairs
“Where are you going!” Karen demanded.
“Out!” Dee screamed back. “I’m going out and getting drunk.
I’m not so goddamn afraid to admit I’m human.”
“You’re not going to walk out of here and leave me like this . . .”
“Why not? All we’re doing is fighting anyway. You do whatever you goddamn well please!” Dee slammed the front door behind her and ran down the hall, out onto the street as quickly as she could.
She hailed a cab, climbed in, gave him Jerry’s address, and began to cry.
“This is really it,” she said to herself. “This is the beginning of the end. . . .”
309
Chapter 25
Dee sat down along the wall just next to the doorway so that anyone coming in would not see her immediately. Jerry would be along soon. She smiled to herself, knowing how much he would disapprove if he knew why she had insisted on the Algonquin—and on a Monday night of all nights.
Karen was in bed and asleep—or pretending to be—when she had come home last night. They had not spoken to each other this morning at all. Dee knew she shouldn’t be doing this tonight, knew that Karen was going to be very angry and upset. But at this point, Dee had decided it was best to bring the whole problem to a head.
She couldn’t go through all these fights with Karen, couldn’t keep holding herself in or watch Karen tearing herself apart with her own intolerable conflicts. She just had to do something to force this goddamn, miserable situation to some sort of conclusion. Either Karen was going to face facts or they were both going to have a nervous breakdown.
It was a cheap, low-down trick she was pulling tonight, and she knew it. She couldn’t even rationalize her feline action into a deed on Karen’s behalf, for her own good. She was doing this simply because she wanted to see her competition flesh to flesh—wanted to test them both together, to see just how Karen behaved with Seth.
310
A N O T H E R K I N D O F L O V E
Even Jerry had said last night that the whole thing was just too complicated to last. What did she hope to gain, he had asked, by clinging to Karen this way? When she had tried to explain that she wasn’t really clinging, he had only laughed and said, “You push with one hand and pull with the other.”
Well, he was right. She couldn’t deny it. But now she was going to use both hands—in one direction.
Jerry came in looking miffed and questioning. He had not seen her yet, but finally spotted her. It was a small bar but a dark one.
Unless you were looking for someone, you might never notice who was there. “Why are you crouching in the corner like that?” he asked, sitting down next to her.
“I’m not crouching—I’m sitting.”
He gave the waiter their order and then turned toward her asking, “Why on earth did you insist I meet you here, and so very mysteriously?”
“I just wanted to thank you for holding my hand last night,” she said lightly.
“Here?”
“Well . . . I’ll admit this isn’t exactly a friendship club, but it happened to be in the neighborhood when I called you.”
“All right,” he muttered. “we’ll have one drink. You’ve thanked me. You’re welcome.”
“Whew! You must have had a bad day.” She smiled.
“I’m sorry, baby. It’s just that last-minute whirlwind decisions like this always throw me off balance. I like things to be organized and prearranged. Neat and orderly.”
She asked him questions about the new show he was being sought for, and this seemed to calm him considerably. He told her how he felt sort of “in between” himself and how he didn’t feel like getting involved in another show right now. He was tired of the same mediocre junk year after year and wanted to work on something with a little challenge . . . maybe even off Broadway if the right thing came along. That, or take off for a while to his farm in New Hampshire.
It wasn’t too long before she saw Seth and Karen come in. Dee felt strangely detached. Not disinterested, just uninvolved. She 311
PA U L A C H R I S T I A N
managed to keep o
ut of view, and fortunately, they took a table along the wall, where they would not see Jerry and Dee.
Dee deliberately avoided mentioning their entrance to Jerry. He would guess at once that he had been set up, become furious, and insist they leave. She went on being interested in what Jerry said instead, asking questions when he seemed to pause. In between, she was able to catch glimpses of Karen and Seth.
She had almost forgotten how wonderfully virile Seth was. Not because he was muscular, or necessarily square-jawed . . . It was just in his manner. He had that lusty, cleft-chin, green-eyed hero look.
She found herself hating him momentarily—for his maleness, his casual confidence, and mostly for the way he sat next to Karen. His attitude made it very evident that this was his woman and don’t let anybody forget it!
But what was even more striking was Karen herself. Dee could understand Seth’s masculine confidence, but it shocked her how comfortable and at ease Karen was with him. She had suddenly become a woman who knew how to hold her man . . . and not only wanted to but enjoyed it. This was a Karen she didn’t know. This was the woman Dee had always sensed was there, but had never revealed itself before Dee. Self-assured, graceful, womanly. In fact, Dee had to admit, Karen was actually very sophisticated.
If Dee were to meet her now for the first time . . . she would think that here was a woman who had never known a questioning moment about her own femininity, where homosexuality was never a part of her world except perhaps among a few amusing friends.
Jerry’s voice rang in on her. “. . . Why don’t you, dear? You really look rather peaked these days.”
“What?” Dee glanced at him quickly. “I’m sorry, Jerry, I didn’t quite hear you,” she apologized.
“Now look, Dee, let’s not go through that bit again. You dragged me here, the least you can do is listen to me. I asked you why you don’t come up to the farm with me.”
“Oh, I can’t get away right now, Jerry. You know that.”
“I’m sure Karen would understand, at least from what you’ve said about her. And she is old enough to take care of herself.”
“Yes, but I think it’s more important—”
312
A N O T H E R K I N D O F L O V E
She was interrupted by a shadow falling across the table. It was Seth.
“Dee Sanders, I presume?” his deep voice asked in pleasant mockery.
For the first time that evening, she felt panic. Now that the planned moment had come, she wasn’t so sure she wanted to go through with it. But she succeeded in looking up, looking surprised, smiling, and answering, “Seth! Seth Barron. How are you?”
She extended her hand and introduced him to Jerry.
“Seth’s a public relations man, Jerry. And a damned good one.”
She matched Seth’s smile . . . she hoped.
“Don’t tell me you’ve arranged this little meeting,” Jerry said, not sure whether to be amused or irritated.
“I swear to you, Mr. Wilson, this was not prearranged.” He looked over at Dee and winked. “Actually, I’m here with my secretary tonight . . . waiting for one of my accounts to come in. A night for ‘finalizing’—as the boys in Washington say.”
“Well, we won’t keep you,” Dee said coyly. “And be sure to say hello to Karen for me.”
Jerry shot a suspicious look at Dee, then glanced back at Seth, towering over them. It wasn’t hard for Dee to see he now had the whole plot firmly in his mind.
“Please,” insisted Seth, “you’d be doing me a favor if you’d join us. My client won’t be here for at least another half hour and . . .”
“Well, if you’re sure we won’t bother you . . .” Dee began to get up from her chair. She wanted to get into motion before Jerry could ruin the whole setup.
“Really, now, Dee,” protested Jerry.
“But she’s quite right, Mr. Wilson. It would be a favor. And I’d appreciate the chance to meet you socially rather than like some sort of a salesman. I’m really quite a fan of yours.”
“But no business, please,” Jerry said with practiced weariness.
“My hours with Dee are for pleasure. . . .”
Bless his evil little heart, Dee thought, smiling inwardly. Jerry certainly knew how to play the gentleman.
“Guaranteed,” Seth grinned.
313
PA U L A C H R I S T I A N
“Kismet,” Jerry sighed good-naturedly, and stood up, pulling the table back for Dee.
So far, Dee hadn’t dared to look at Karen sitting alone. She knew that Karen was going to be furious.
They crossed the small room, and Dee suddenly had to steady herself a bit on Jerry’s arm—she hadn’t realized how much she had had to drink. . . . Better watch it, she cautioned herself.
Seth introduced Jerry to Karen. She smiled at him, extended her hand, and asked him to sit next to her on the booth rather than in the hard chairs. She gave a rather blanket nod of recognition to Dee and devoted herself to Jerry.
Her tactic so surprised Dee that she sat absolutely quiet, just watching Karen. She was maneuvering Jerry perfectly, showing some interest in his career but working mostly on him as a person.
Out of sheer desperation, Dee turned toward Seth and said, “I can see she’s invaluable to you—she has Jerry completely wound around her little finger.”
“He’s not the only one,” Seth whispered back, then said more loudly, “You’ll never know what a favor you did me by sending her over.”
“Dee couldn’t help but notice the deep comradeship, or perhaps, closeness between the exchange of glances. Like a husband and wife who know each other’s moods and nuances so well they can afford to play with them.
This wasn’t going the way Dee had thought at all. And she was beginning to get annoyed at Karen’s attitude. After all, she could have admitted more than the nodding acquaintance with Dee that she had implied. Christ! Everyone knew they were close friends, if not roommates. Why the cold shoulder . . . ? It was going to look stranger than if she had just played it straight. Even last night’s argument didn’t warrant this.
Dee found herself suddenly leaning across toward Seth, in open amusement at all he said. But she was being mindful of every motion Karen made. She just wished she hadn’t drunk so much, so she could be more clearheaded!
Seth had a wonderfully fresh way of telling stories and had a collection of them—many from personal dealings with clients with 314
A N O T H E R K I N D O F L O V E
whom he had blundered somehow and had to get back on firm ground again. Always he described them with amusing facial gestures or a keen ear for mimicry.
Dee laughed with him, perhaps forcing a little too much, and keeping one hand on her lap so that her low-cut dress would show her breasts to advantage. She leaned forward again and softly touched Seth’s arm. “You know,” she whispered conspiratorially,
“I’d forgotten how very amusing you can be.”
“Now that I think of it,” he replied, “it does seem a waste of time that we haven’t gotten to be better friends.”
“It’s something easily repaired.” She looked into his eyes with a promise in her own.
He seemed a little surprised, which she had not expected. “Do I embarrass you?” she asked, plunging into the situation.
“Not at all,” he answered with a wry grin. “I find you”—his glance wandered from her eyes to her mouth and swiftly to her breasts then back again—“very stimulating, to say the least.”
“I had rather hoped so,” Dee said, watching his mouth carefully.
So I’m feeling my liquor, she thought to herself with rare abandon, enjoying the male-female game of seduction in the civilized world.
Goddamn it! she swore silently, if Karen wants this guy, I’m going to make her fight for him.
It was one of those occasions when Dee felt white-skinned, desirable, and full-breasted . . . on stage with the best makeup artist and the best lighting technicians helping her.
/>
Karen broke into the conversation—clever broad, Dee allowed—
saying, “I wonder what’s holding up Mr. Reither? He’s a little late.”
Never hit a man where he works, Dee thought. . . . It’ll catch him every time. Seth glanced at his watch immediately, and Dee noticed the very fine, dark hairs on his hands and wrists. She was attracted to the maleness of him—yet, for some reason, she couldn’t help but recognize that she would rather look at Karen’s smooth, soft arm. At the sweeping gentle line of her that made her a woman—
a creature warm and to be desired and loved.
Someone long ago had once said that men were for going to bed with, and women were to love. She had laughed then. But now . . .
She suddenly felt very dizzy.
315
PA U L A C H R I S T I A N
She wanted to cry; she wanted Karen to love her, to look at her the way she looked at Seth. But this would never be, and Dee knew it. This was Karen’s world. Oh, she loved Dee in her way, and Dee knew that, too. But it wasn’t the same kind of love. Karen had just added the physical to the emotional. But it wasn’t really a physical love. . . . It had just become that because she had nothing else. If Phil had turned out to be any kind of a man, or if Rita had never shown up to create doubts in Karen’s mind . . . then none of this would ever have occurred to Karen.
Karen could put this behind her if she had the right guy. Dee couldn’t . . . not now, at least—maybe never.
Then Jerry was holding on to her arm, and from far away she could hear him saying, “She’s been under a heavy strain lately. . . .
I’ll take her home.”
Dee wanted to be embarrassed but couldn’t. She just had the most awful feeling that none of it mattered. That Seth had been flirting, yes . . . sure, but it hadn’t meant anything . . . he’d kept looking back at Karen. Oh, he thought Dee hadn’t noticed—but she had.
Karen, baby, Dee thought, trying to stand up with some degree of dignity. Karen, I love you; I love you . . . You may never know just how much I love you. . . .
Her last semiclear thought was the way that Karen had looked at her. Like some drunken old sot who had to be taken away, some overage matron trying to act twenty years younger.
Another Kind of Love Page 33
