by Jackie Lau
And I understand why I couldn’t tell him, why I couldn’t acknowledge it to myself. It had nothing to do with him not living up to my father.
It’s because I’m absolutely terrified of losing someone I love.
But why could I say “I love you” to boyfriends in the past? Perhaps, deep down, I knew they weren’t right for me, and that made it easier.
Vince, however, is the guy for me.
Admitting I loved him would be admitting how much it would hurt when he was gone. Nearly every memory I have is of the after, my father’s funeral being the first memory I could recall for the longest time. It’s still much clearer than my memory of that song.
Grief was a part of my early childhood. I don’t remember screaming when my mom sang to me instead of my dad, but it happened.
I do remember watching my mother grapple with his absence.
On the rare occasions we went out for dim sum, I couldn’t help wishing he were there.
I’ve built a life I’m proud of. I didn’t think of my father a lot in the last ten years...until I got pregnant, which made me think more about my own childhood and what I wanted to be different for my son or daughter.
I know a child’s early years are so important. I had a loving family, but I was affected by loss in ways I didn’t fully comprehend, and I was desperate to avoid going through that again, even if I wasn’t consciously aware of it.
I met Vince right after I learned my mom’s tumor was benign. I couldn’t bear the thought of that loss, and not allowing myself to admit my love for him was a form of self-preservation.
Shit. I’m an idiot. Why couldn’t I have understood all this before?
Why couldn’t I have said “I love you” before it was too late?
Because knowing I love him...it doesn’t make me want to run away, even if it’s scary. My subconscious might be trying to protect me, but I know that having something wonderful involves some level of risk, and he’s worth the risk.
Or was worth it.
There’s an annoying crunching sound coming from the other side of the room. A man is eating Cheetos. Are you even supposed to eat in the waiting room?
I want to confront him, but I force myself to stay in my seat and keep my mouth shut.
Once again, I check my phone, just in case.
Nothing. Still nothing.
I was right. Something awful has happened. He’s gone and I never got to tell him...
I said I hated the pressure of feeling like the center of his life, of him building everything around me and Baby. I wish—
“Marissa Chan?” The receptionist is standing in front of me. “It’s time for your ultrasound.”
“I...can’t,” I stammer. “My husband. He’s not here.”
I call him my husband because I wish it were true.
Seeing my distress, she says, “I’m sure he’s coming soon.”
I shake my head.
“Well, the person after you is already here. She could go first?”
When I nod, the receptionist leads the pregnant woman across from me toward the back. They give me sympathetic smiles.
The Cheetos man keeps chewing.
Vince still isn’t here.
I’m thinking of him as though he’s dead and alive at the same time.
Was it a car accident?
It was probably a car accident.
Baby and I are going to be alone, just like Mom and I were alone.
Except I’m in a better financial position. I have my mother, too. Larry and his family. I have my friends. I have Vince’s family.
Did Vince rewrite his will to leave money for me?
I don’t care about that. I just want him. I want him to hold me and take me out for mocktails and look at me as though I’m beautiful, even when I feel anything but.
I want to be under that cherry tree again. I want a chance to do it over and say yes.
As I trace my bare ring finger, a wave of grief overtakes me. I clutch my stomach and bend over, but I can’t cry anymore. It’s too horrible to cry.
I’m making a scene, and I hate making a scene.
I consider calling my mother, but I can’t stand the thought of telling her all this. Pearl is probably picking up her kids from daycare.
Carrie. I’ll call Carrie.
Before I do, though, I try calling Vince. It immediately goes to voicemail, and the sound of his voice causes a painful knot in my chest.
Then I call my friend.
“I’m at the ultrasound clinic,” I say.
“Is something wrong with the baby?” she asks. Because I must sound terrible, and I’m calling rather than texting.
“No, but Vince isn’t here. He’s really late and not answering his phone. I think something bad happened. He never breaks his promises. I think...” I can’t even say it. “My dad went to the convenience store and he never came back and I can’t deal with that again. Vince proposed to me on Saturday and I said no and...”
She doesn’t tell me I’m being stupid. “I’m going to get an Uber. I’ll come to you, okay?”
Carrie is my friend for going out and having fun. For taking me to house parties where I make out with handsome strangers.
Still, I know I can count on her.
“Okay,” I say. “I’ll text you the location.”
I end the call and close my eyes. Maybe this will be okay. Carrie is coming. I won’t be alone. But Vince...
I keep clutching my stomach. I’d forsake dim sum and cheesecake for the rest of my life if only I could see him again.
Vince, I love you so much.
“Marissa.”
Chapter 29
Marissa
I open my eyes cautiously, afraid to hope.
Vince is kneeling before me.
I reach out tentatively and pat his arm. He’s real. He’s not a ghost.
“You’re here,” I say, launching myself at him.
“I’m here. I’m so sorry I’m late.”
“I love you.” I have to say that before anything else. “I love you and I’m sorry I didn’t realize it before but I do.”
“I love you, too,” he murmurs, his arms coming around me.
“I thought you were dead and I’d never get to tell you.”
It sounds foolish now. He was less than fifteen minutes late, and I totally lost my shit and assumed the worst-case scenario.
“You thought...like your dad,” he whispers.
I nod.
“Oh, no.” His voice breaks and he hugs me tight. “I knew you’d worry, but I didn’t think you’d assume—”
“Because you’re always here. And then you weren’t.”
He lifts me back into my chair and sits beside me. “Evie had a high fever and was really fussy. She’d never been like this before, and Courtney was very worried and not coping well with it. She managed to make a last-minute appointment with Evie’s doctor and wanted me to go with her, since I was around and Julian is out of town for work. Afterward, I ran to my car and pulled out my phone to call you, and the battery was dead. I thought I’d be able to get here in time if I left right away, so I didn’t look for a charger. Then traffic was terrible and I couldn’t find a parking spot until after your appointment time. Did you have the ultrasound?”
“Not yet. They switched my appointment with someone else’s.” I feel the need to say something light. “Did you know Baby is now as big as a mango? I felt them move for the first time today! Or possibly it was gas.” I can’t laugh, but I want to make him laugh, and he does chuckle. Then I fully register his why-I-was-late story. “Is Evie okay?”
“She has an ear infection. She’ll be fine. Oh, Marissa, I can’t believe I didn’t charge my phone. Dammit. I’m usually better about that. And I’m so sorry about some of the things I said to you on Saturday.”
“It’s okay,” I say. “You were wrong”—he laughs at this—“but I understand why you thought that. Yes, I’ll marry you, Vince. I want to wear your ring.” I touch t
he empty space on my ring finger.
“You don’t need to. I understand, I was pushing you.”
“But it’s what I want. When I said I couldn’t love you, couldn’t marry you, I was protecting myself, afraid of losing someone again. I didn’t realize what I was doing, but when I thought I lost you...” I release a choked sob. “It hurt so much, even though I’d never told you how I felt.”
“I’m so sorry,” he says again.
“There are never any guarantees, but I know I can’t live life being afraid. If I’d been aware of what I was doing, I would have stopped myself from doing it.” I start patting his pockets, trying to find the ring.
He knows what I’m doing, and he laughs softly. “It’s at home. I’ll get it for you tonight.”
“I shouldn’t have told you that you need to find something else to do with your life right away. Yes, knowing you, you need something just for yourself, but I could have helped you figure it out. It’s not that big of a deal and—”
“No, you were right,” he says, “and I know what I’m going to do.”
“Do you?”
“I want to teach kids about coding. At first I thought I’d start my own organization, but I don’t need to start everything on my own. There are already places doing what I want to do, and there’s one that’s happy to have me work with them and take my money.”
“I think you’ll be great at it.” I hug him tightly. I don’t want to let go. Some part of me is still afraid he’ll evaporate into thin air.
“You know,” he whispers, “I used to worry that no one would love me, but now...”
Oh. I can imagine Vince feeling that way, beneath his swagger. Sure, he acts cocky, but it’s kind of for show. And I told him repeatedly how I didn’t love him—that must have felt like confirmation of his fears. My heart twists.
“I’m here for you,” I say, pressing a kiss to his cheek. “No matter what.”
“Marissa?”
I see Carrie over Vince’s shoulder.
She comes over to us. “You got here after all,” she says to Vince.
“Yeah.”
She turns to me. “Do you need to me kick his ass?”
“No, no. Everything’s okay.”
She smiles at me, and crap, I made her come all this way and I don’t need her here now. In fact, I’d rather spend the time with Vince.
She heads back toward the door.
“I’m sorry,” I tell her. There have been a lot of sorrys lately.
“It’s fine. There’s an accessories shop nearby that I’ve been meaning to check out, but I rarely make it this far north.”
Yeah, Carrie is one of those people who usually stay south of Bloor.
She waves at me, and then it’s just me and Vince again.
Well, the two of us and everyone else in the waiting room.
“It’s time for your ultrasound,” the receptionist says to me. “Are you ready?”
“Yes,” I say, “I’m ready.”
* * *
Everything is fine with Baby, as far as the ultrasound technician can tell, but she’ll send the results to my doctor. She asks if we want to know if it’s a boy or a girl, and we nod.
“It’s a boy,” she says.
“Oh!” If anything, I had imagined Baby being a girl, but I don’t care.
Vince takes my hand and squeezes.
We’re having a boy together!
After the ultrasound, we go to my condo, where I pick up a few things for the weekend, then get back in Vince’s car so we can head down to his place.
“Actually,” he says as he fastens his seatbelt, “let’s make a detour first.”
To my surprise, we drive north.
“Is this a fancy new cheesecake place?” I ask.
“It has nothing to do with food. Shocking, I know.”
We turn onto a residential street, and he puts the car in park.
“See that house?” He points across the street.
It’s a new-ish stone house. Though many of the homes on the street are older brick houses, this one looks like it was built in the past decade, and it’s a little bigger, but not too big. We’re maybe a five- or ten-minute walk from Yonge and Lawrence.
I have a sneaking suspicion...
“You want to buy it?” I ask, noting the sign in front of the house.
“I did buy it.”
Right. I see now that the sign says “sold.”
“I would have asked you to look at it with me,” he says, “but you’d just...you know. Plus I had to act fast. I thought I could give it to you, if you were willing to accept it, or I’d live in it myself. But now, I’m hoping—”
“Yes.” I throw my arms around him. “Yes. It looks perfect, and it’s not too far from the office or your family. Or too long of a drive from my mom’s.”
“That was the point.”
Of course it was. Of course he was thinking of that.
“I get to decorate it,” I say. “Your penthouse is nice and all, but I don’t want our house to look like a swanky bachelor pad.”
“I don’t want that, either.”
I cup his cheeks, and as I kiss him, I remember the first kiss we shared all those months ago, before he even knew my name. When I met him at that party, I never would have imagined that several months later, we would find ourselves here.
In love. A baby on the way.
Sitting in front of the house we’ll live in together.
All of this flits through my mind, but then I get lost in his kiss. His lips on mine, his arms holding me close, despite the awkward position in the car.
He brushes his cheek against mine. “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
I can say it now without hesitation.
* * *
The next evening, we go out for dinner. I’m craving poutine, so we head to a bistro with excellent duck confit poutine—after checking online that cheese curds are pasteurized and safe for pregnant people—and then to Cheese & Me, where we buy the very last matcha double fromage cheesecake.
And then I decide I’ve eaten enough food for the day, and we return to Vince’s penthouse and make extremely good use of his large bed.
Afterward, we lie in bed together, my head on his chest. I twist the ring on my finger.
We told our families about the engagement earlier. They were all very excited. His grandmother wanted to come over immediately to congratulate us in person, but eventually he managed to put her off and promised to visit his family tomorrow. Julian has returned from his business trip, and Evie is doing much better now.
Suddenly, there’s a flutter in my belly. Just like yesterday.
“Oh, it’s Baby!” I say. “He’s moving.”
Vince puts his hand on my increasing belly.
“I feel him,” he says, wonder in his voice.
His face close to my stomach, Vince softly sings the lullaby that my father used to sing to me. He’s learned the words, though I’m not sure he knows what they mean.
I wipe my eyes. The past several months have been an emotional roller coaster, but I love what I have now.
I hold Vince close and grin the goofiest grin ever.
Epilogue
Vince
The following January...
“Baby!” Evie shrieks, running into the room. “Baby!”
Julian scoops her off her feet just before she pokes Baby’s face. “Baby is trying to sleep, Evie. He doesn’t want to play with you right now.”
Evie glares at her father but allows herself to be taken out of the room. To be spoiled by her grandparents, most likely. We’re at Mom and Dad’s house for dinner.
Baby has a name now. It’s Lucas.
Lucas gurgles from the car seat on the floor, and I beep his nose.
He doesn’t laugh, but maybe he will tomorrow. He’s pretty fickle. One minute he loves General Bloopy, the next minute the dinosaur makes him scream. One day he sleeps through the night, and the next night...
Oh, who am I kidding. Lucas is a terrible sleeper.
He also screams when he has a bath. He’s not fickle about that; no, he’s quite decisive in his hatred of baths.
Mom says he’s exactly like me.
Marissa and I love him dearly, even though we’re both exhausted.
When Lucas shuts his eyes, Marissa curls up on the couch and does the same, and I wrap my arms around her.
“You know,” I say, “this might be the anniversary of the day Lucas was conceived.”
“Oh, is it? I’ve completely lost track of time.”
“It’s the one-year anniversary of the day I met you, yeah.”
“I’m glad I walked up and kissed you.”
“Me, too.” I touch the rings on her finger.
We’ve been living together since we got married, a few months before Lucas arrived. I’ve been teaching kids how to code a couple afternoons a week since September. I never thought I’d enjoy teaching before, but I do.
My life is so different from what it was like a year ago. I don’t miss my old world, though I do miss Brian a little. I haven’t seen him in a few months, and from what I hear, his life is quite different now, too.
But I don’t regret my past. It led me to Marissa, and now I feel more content and fulfilled. And balanced.
Okay, that’s a bit of a lie. It’s hard for your life to be truly balanced when you have a three-month-old baby, but I feel good about where I am now.
And I get to do it all with Marissa.
I knew what I wanted the minute she told me she was pregnant, but back then, I couldn’t truly envision what it would be like, couldn’t comprehend the love I would grow to have for her and Lucas.
Lucas opens his eyes briefly to give me a little smile.
Don’t tell Julian, but I think he’s cuter than Evie, though she’s pretty cute, too.
My son closes his eyes again and quickly falls asleep. Perhaps by the time we get home, he’ll be wide awake and crying, but for now, it’s peaceful.
Marissa is asleep as well, her head resting on my shoulder, her hand feeling up my bicep. I’ll let her sleep for a while before we head home, where I have a gift in honor of our anniversary. We’ve already had dessert at my parents’ house, but I bought a little chestnut cake for her, along with a necklace.
