by Jill Shalvis
She felt the threat of tears and willed them away. God, she’d been so stupid. It was her fault a man was in the hospital, not to mention that she’d allowed her brother to draw her into this mess. The worst part was, she knew she’d ruined not only what she’d had with Kel, but also had most certainly destroyed any trust Caleb had had in her. And ditto for the friends when they found out. And they would find out, this building didn’t hold its secrets. Hard to believe she’d found that refreshing.
She’d actually started to believe that this life could be hers. But the joke had been on her . . .
When she got off the bus, she walked through the courtyard of the building, heading directly for the coffee shop. No way could she possibly face customers without caffeine. Caffeine would bolster her up and allow her to get through the day without losing it completely.
Something she refused to do.
She strode up to the counter and gave Tina her order. “A tall, nonfat latte with caramel drizzle. And if you could make it more like a scoop than a drizzle, that’d be great.”
Tina nodded. “You weren’t at class.”
“I know.”
“Bad day already?” Tina asked.
“Bad doesn’t begin to cut it.”
“Give me a minute, darling.”
And in the promised minute, Tina reappeared with a jasmine green tea and an organic banana oatmeal muffin. “Strong is what happens when you run out of weak.”
“Um . . . what?”
“Trust me,” Tina said. “Mama knows best. That tea’s going to rejuvenate you instead of send you to an early grave, and you look like you’re down a quart so the muffin’s going to fill your tummy and give you energy and life.” She paused. “Man problems?”
“Is there any other kind of problem?”
Tina smiled grimly. “Not that I’ve ever found.”
Chapter 25
Strong is what happens when you run out of weak
There’d been many times in Kel’s life where he’d felt he’d been wronged. It was rare for him to feel like he was the one doing the wronging. He just didn’t operate that way. He followed his own moral code and instincts, and they’d rarely steered him off base.
Work first. He’d promised himself this after the last fiasco, he would never again put anything ahead of work. Certainly not emotions.
So that’s what he did. He turned himself into an unfeeling machine to handle the situation calmly and thoroughly. He gathered all the evidence and facts he had at his disposal, and now he was going through it all with Caleb.
While simultaneously ignoring a very unwelcome feeling tightening his chest with each minute that ticked by.
Regret. So much fucking regret.
But there wasn’t time for that right now. This was the job, this was his job, and that’s just the way it had to be.
They were going over all the known intel at their disposal; the surveillance feeds, Arlo’s recounting of what had happened, and also Ivy’s.
When Caleb heard about the two assholes who’d gone to her apartment and then her work, he scrubbed a hand down his face. “We need to put a guy on her 24–7 until this thing is finished.”
“Already done,” Kel said. “She’s now in your security rotation until one of us says otherwise.”
“Does she know?”
“What do you think?” Kel asked.
“I think she’d have our balls in a sling if she thought we were spending money protecting her,” Caleb said.
“Which is why she doesn’t need to know. Also, we have manpower out looking for Brandon. He’s going to give his sister back the money he stole from her if it’s the last thing he ever does.”
“Agreed.” Caleb rose from his chair and moved to his floor to ceiling windows to stare out at the city.
The reflection of his grim expression moved Kel to stand as well. “I feel like I failed you on this one.”
“You’ve never failed me,” Caleb said.
“Arlo being in the hospital suggests otherwise.”
Caleb turned to him. “Did you hit him?”
Kel shook his head. “You know what I mean.”
“Yeah, I do. You feel the need to control every single situation so that it goes your way. But life’s annoying like that, man. You can’t control everything. Believe me, I’ve tried. Ask the women in my life, they’ll tell you, especially Sadie.” He shook his head. “Which means I had to let go of a lot of shit I didn’t want to let go of.”
“But Sadie never put your job in jeopardy,” Kel pointed out. “None of them closed themselves off to you at every turn. You had it easy.”
Caleb laughed. He laughed so hard he had to sit down. “Let me correct that notion right now. Sadie was more closed off than Fort Knox. It took patience, cunning, and every ounce of brainpower I had to make her fall in love with me, and in the end I nearly screwed it up by not trusting her.” He gave Kel a direct look. “I’d say don’t do that, but it seems like I’m too late.”
“You want me to trust the woman who hid stuff from you too?”
“Self-protection is something I understand all too well, and so should you. And it’s all a moot point anyway, because in spite of everything that happened between Sadie and me, I wanted her anyway. Every minute that she’s in my life, she makes it better. Her smile, the way she looks at me, hell, the way she laughs at me. She . . .” He trailed off, searching for the words.
Kel groaned. “If you say she completes you—”
Caleb pointed at him. “That’s the one.”
Kel shook his head.
“Don’t believe me?” Caleb asked, amusement fading. “Then think about what it will feel like when you go back to Idaho and leave what you have with Ivy in your dust.”
Kel had thought about nothing but . . . and it still didn’t change facts.
Caleb’s brows went up. “Are you kidding me? You’re going to go back?”
“I was always going to go back, Caleb. You know that.”
Caleb shook his head, not accepting this. “You’re looking at that ranch in Sonoma.”
“As an investment.”
“I call bullshit,” Caleb said. “You’re really going to walk away from the best thing to ever happen to you—and for what? A job that betrayed you?”
“It wasn’t the job. It was the people.”
“So stay and work for people who’d never put you second to a job.”
“It’s not that simple,” Kel said.
“Yeah, it is, but you’re too stubborn to see that.” Caleb shook his head again. “So are you going to be a total dick and just ghost her, or are you going to try to work things out first so that you can at least try the long-distance thing?”
“It’s not up to me.”
“Really?” Caleb asked, heavy on the disbelief. “You think she should come to you? Because she’s not humiliated enough that her brother screwed things up in a very large way, affecting you, me, and her entire life here, the life she’s worked so hard to get for herself?”
It was Kel’s turn to stare out the window now, blindly, into the city.
“You fell in love with her,” Caleb said.
“You can’t fall in love in two weeks.”
“I fell in love with Sadie in one night.”
Kel shook his head. “That was you.”
“What, and you’re immune?” Caleb studied his cousin. “No, that’s not it,” he said slowly, not sounding happy. “You think you don’t deserve it.”
“More like I don’t want it.”
“But you admit you fell in love.”
Kel hadn’t articulated it to himself quite that bluntly, but there was zero doubt that Ivy had gotten to him. She’d gotten inside his head, inside his heart, even down to the primal part of his soul. She’d bypassed all his defenses and brought something to life deep inside him that he’d kept hidden and protected. “It was a mistake,” he said.
“What a load of horseshit.”
“You’re friend
s with her,” Kel said quietly. “I understand that. I don’t expect you to cut her out of your life. I’m asking you to understand what I have to do.”
“No, don’t give me that crap,” Caleb said. “You’re not owning up to a mistake, and you’re not making a hard choice either. You’re covering your ass and protecting your heart, the way you did with your mom, the way you had to do at work, and now with Ivy. But unlike you, I don’t cut someone out of my life simply because they’re the hard choice.” He let out a mirthless laugh. “You’re an idiot, Kel. You could have a life here, a really great one that includes family, a job, and the love of a good woman. Instead, you’re . . . hell, I don’t even know. You need to figure out why you think you don’t deserve the good stuff.” Caleb’s phone buzzed. He eyed the screen and shook his head. “I’ve got to go. But I’m asking you, as someone who cares about you very much, to think about it, really think about what you’re doing.”
Kel did think about it. He thought about nothing else as he drove through the city. Did he really think he didn’t deserve love?
Maybe. Maybe deep down, he blamed himself for what had happened between him and his mom. For what had happened on the job.
For what had happened between him and Ivy.
Being alone had become easier than facing his own mistakes and regrets. Something he figured Ivy knew a little about, seeing that she was alone too, also by choice. She had friends, but she let them in only so far. They cared about her, but he wasn’t sure they understood her.
Kel understood her. An outsider always recognized another outsider.
Not that it had mattered. None of it was supposed to matter. But somehow, when he hadn’t been paying attention, things had changed. And now he needed her on a level so deep and basic it was primal in a way that felt dangerous to his heart and soul.
And he was tired of fighting it.
He’d made mistakes. A lot of them. He knew the only way to make things right was to start at the beginning and fix what he could. Which was why, thirty minutes later, he ended up walking through a mobile home park with his GPS app. Dark had fallen, but it wasn’t hard to find his way because most of the homes had been lit to within an inch of Christmas’s life. The park was a decent one. There were tiny little yards, most of them well kept. Clearly there was a sense of pride of ownership here.
His mom and Henry lived at the end of the middle row in a double-wide. There was a small living Christmas tree on the porch with a string of sparkly lights twinkling. He’d just reached out to knock on the door when Henry opened it.
“Hey,” he said to Kel in genuine surprise. He looked past Kel, obviously searching for someone, probably whoever had dragged Kel out here against his will.
“I came alone,” Kel told him.
Henry looked even more surprised at this. “You did?”
“Yeah. Do you mind if I come in?”
“Sure.” Henry nodded, but didn’t move out of the doorway, blocking Kel’s entrance. He paused a moment and then grimaced. “Listen, here’s the thing. Your mom . . . she’s . . . well, to be honest, you make her nervous, when all she wants to do is connect with you. And when she’s nervous, she feels she trips all over herself with you.”
“She has no reason to be nervous around me,” Kel said.
Henry gave him a long look.
“Okay,” Kel said, feeling like an asshole. He was starting to get used to it. “I’ve been hard on her.”
“I don’t need an apology from you, nor do I deserve one,” Henry said. “I just need to you to respect my woman of twenty plus years and treat her with basic kindness.”
“That’s enough, Henry,” Kel’s mom said, coming to the door, gently nudging her husband aside with a small I’ve-got-this smile.
To Henry’s credit, he stepped back, letting her take the lead.
“Would you like to come in?” she asked Kel.
Which is how he found himself in a small but warm and cozy kitchen accepting a mug of tea.
He hated tea.
“Go ahead,” his mom said, finally sitting across the narrow table from him, still looking calm though her hands were clenched. “Say what you’ve come to say.”
She was braced for him to continue to be an asshole, he realized, and he sighed, scrubbing a hand down his face. “I didn’t come here to fight with you, Mom.”
She blinked and straightened. “You didn’t?”
“No.” He sipped the tea and nearly scalded off his tongue.
“Here.” She moved to the freezer and dropped two ice cubes into his mug.
She’d done the same thing for him when he’d been little and she’d made him hot cocoa after school. The flashback was so real it took him back to another time.
When they’d been family.
“I’ve not been . . . open to talking to you. I was wrong to not listen to what you’ve wanted to say to me.”
She stared down at her own tea for a long moment. When she lifted her gaze, her eyes were filled with regret and sadness. “I’ve been waiting for this for so long. I actually had lost hope of it happening.”
He grimaced and started to say something, but she put her hand on his. “There’s a few things I want you to know. Will you listen?”
He nodded.
“Your dad and I . . . we were best friends. From middle school. By the time you kids came along, we were more like siblings ourselves. We each knew it. But neither of us wanted to miss out on raising you and Remi. So we agreed to stay together until you two were raised and off to college. We both wanted that. We still liked each other, very much. In fact, we loved each other. We just weren’t . . . in love.”
Kel stared at her. “Are you saying you had an arrangement?”
“Yes.” Dropping her gaze, she went back to watching her tea like it was the most fascinating thing. She wasn’t comfortable talking about this.
“So there was never a secret to keep. Not that it’s an excuse for what happened, for what you saw—”
“Mom.” He winced, not wanting to think about his mom having an active sex life. “That’s not what I—You sent us to Idaho.” He shook his head, hating that he felt like a kid all over again. “And you never came for us. You didn’t come back around until I was eighteen and no longer cared.”
She met his gaze straight on. “First, I’m going to hope that’s not true, that you still care, deep down inside. And second . . . I’m sorry. I’ve said it before and I’ll keep saying it. I wish I hadn’t stayed away so long, but I had to.” She shook her head. “I wasn’t okay, Kel. I had a breakdown. I was depressed and anxious and could barely care for myself, much less you and Remy. I know you don’t remember your maternal grandma, but she suffered from depression and anxiety too, and it can be hereditary.” Her eyes filled and she was clasping her hands tight. “It took me a shamefully long time to get it together—”
“Mom.” Kel’s gut clenched, even as his heart seemed to swell so that it was too tight to fit into his chest. He put his hand over his mom’s and squeezed. “There’s no shame in needing to take care of your mental health. I didn’t know—”
“I know.” She swiped at her tears. “For the longest time, I didn’t want you to. By the time I was ready to face you kids again, you were grown up. You no longer needed me.”
But Remy had. Plus, Remy had forgiven, readily. Easily. If anyone should be ashamed, it was him. He held his mom’s hand. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I should have listened sooner.”
“You’re here now,” she whispered. “Now is all that matters. Family is all that matters.”
Kel’s gaze landed on the walls, upon which, just like at Remy’s place, picture after picture was hung. Pictures of Remy, Remy and Ethan, and of course Harper. His mom was in many of the pics, as was Henry. Through holidays. Birthdays. Family dinners. Outings . . .
And that’s when it hit him just how right his mom was. Love was about showing up. Love was about being there for the people in your life during their darkest moments a
nd doing your best to understand and support those people through whatever course their life took.
Without judgment.
He’d failed there, big time. He’d failed his mom and his family.
And he’d failed Ivy. He’d listened to her, but not taken the time to understand the choices she’d made.
“Are we going to be okay?” his mom asked in a soft whisper.
“Yes.”
With a soft sob, she flew at him to hug him so tight he could scarcely breath. He started to attempt to extract himself, but he realized she was shaking and crying, and with a sigh, he wrapped his arms around her. “It’s okay, Mom. Please, don’t cry.”
She sniffled and tried to control herself. “Will you stay for pancakes?”
“Will you stop crying?”
“I’ll try.”
“Then I’ll stay.”
She smiled through her tears and turned happily to the stove. Kel exhaled slowly, trying to find his bearings in a world gone upside down.
Henry was watching from the doorway and gave Kel a single nod of approval. And why that felt like so much more, he had no idea. But he stayed. And he ate his weight in pancakes.
Chapter 26
If you never change, you’ll never change
There was always a lull at The Taco Truck between lunch and dinner, usually around two in the afternoon. Typically, Ivy used that time for a quick but thorough cleanup and restocking. She’d not expected a lot of customers today on Christmas Eve, but for whatever reason, business was heavy. She and Jenny were working like crazy when Jenny’s phone rang. It was Caleb, and it was for Ivy.
She stepped out of the truck to talk to him. “How is he?”
“Devastated,” Caleb said. “I’m not sure I’ve ever seen him like this.”
Ivy paused. “Arlo’s devastated?”
“No, Kel is.” Now it was Caleb’s turn to pause. “Sorry, I just assumed that’s who you meant.”
“I want to know how Arlo is,” she said tightly. “Is he really going to be okay?”
“Yes,” Caleb said gently. “He is.”
