On October 25 this year, they would have celebrated their seventieth anniversary together. My dad passed away seventeen years ago. He suffered for nine long months, while my mom traveled each and every day to see him.
I wonder how difficult it would have been for him, if he had lived, and how he would now be experiencing my mom as she drifts away. My brother and I are the only immediate family she has left.
Alzheimer’s disease I believe effects the caregivers even more. We are the ones that watch how this disease destroys lives, as our loved ones lose their memory and slowly disappear. We feel the pain that they may not even realize exists.
The sounds of joy that my mom can still express are, for me, what makes me smile. She fills my heart with much joy. Every day that she still knows who I am is truly a gift to me. Mom has been so courageous, and today as always she will remain my hero.
COMMENTS
God bless your dear mom. Cherish those shiny moments you have with your mom. I don’t think there is enough awareness for caregivers. They work so hard, especially husbands, wives, or other family members or partners who are caregivers. They are so very important. They don’t seem to get any recognition for the good work they do for people with Alzheimer’s.
—Ashley
Very poignant blog, Lisa. It is so hard to come to grips with the realization that one’s mom may someday not know us anymore. It is a profound loss of a relationship that once was, and all loss is hard to deal with, especially one that is tied so closely with our earliest memories of who we are. It’s as if we lose one of the “mirrors” in our life that serve to validate us or help us to stay grounded.
—Long Island Alzheimer’s Foundation
Oh Lisa, thank you so much for sharing your mum’s story. It’s beautifully written and touched my heart. My mum and dad were married fifty-five years and passed away within six months of each other in 2011. They both ended up losing their lives to Alzheimer’s. People said to me that they couldn’t live without each other. That is something I keep in my heart, that they are together again as it should be. Take care.
—Jeannie
Hello Lisa:
My name is Mary. I am from Peru. My mother got Alzheimer’s. She takes medicines like Aricept 10 mg. Quetiapine and Melatonine for sleep. Today I realized that the disease progresses. I am too sad, afraid. The next week I will take her to the doctor to check the treatment. I want to know what is the treatment your mom has. What activities does your mom do every day that keep her entertained. Kisses from Peru.
—Mary
October 19, 2012
Mom Really Melts My Heart
Mom and I now continuously say to each other how much we love one another. It was not always like this. It makes me wonder why when I was growing up did I not feel all this love and warmth from her? Nor did I return it. I was certainly Daddy’s little girl.
I am not saying that I did not know she loved me. What I am saying is the warmth and nurturing that I felt as a child was coming from my dad, not my mom. Was it me? Was it her? Or was it both of us? My dad showed me lots of love and showered me with much affection. Could my mom had been in a crazy way jealous of our loving relationship? This I will never know or understand, and it no longer has any significance to me.
Today, and since my mom has Alzheimer’s, the love we share is for me unspeakable. My mom had a good week, which left us with some amazing conversations. Every phone call ended with her asking me when I would be coming to see her. Mom would say that we have a good relationship, and the truth was, and I quote her, because she loved me more than anything in the world. She so sweetly added in that I was the best in the world, and the greatest there is.
All these words of affection and love melted my heart. It was all so magical. These are words that I can never forget. Alzheimer’s has left her with no memory, yet when she still is present, she constantly shares all her love with me. Could she be making up for all the years that this was not shared ? Maybe, and certainly, yes for me.
Are we like a mirror reflecting back and forth to each other our images of love? The simple things in life that I might have once taken for granted now shine through. The words we speak each day, unless Mom is having a bad day, are filled with the brightest of sunshine. Her laugh, her smiles, her kisses now are everything to me.
At the end of each phone call, I always ask her to throw me kisses. I have shared with her that without her kisses my day would not be complete. As our last phone call came to an end, she said, “If you want your kisses, then why don’t you come over, and I’ll give you real kisses?” I smiled to myself knowing that I would be seeing her in six weeks, and for today she was having an exceptionally good day.
I hold so dear to my heart all our bright days, never knowing when they may fade away. Instead of thinking about the long goodbye, I focus on the long hello, and embrace all that we still can share.
COMMENTS
Hi, just wanted to say I read your blog regularly. I looked after my uncle for twelve years. He had macular degeneration and for the last five had Alzheimer’s. Sadly he died in May aged eighty-six. We always joked about him getting a telegram from the queen when he was a hundred years old, a custom we have in Britain when one reaches that age, but the uncle I knew had left years before. Your mum seems such a lovely person, and I wish things could have been different for her and for you. All I can say is treasure every day. I found with my uncle there was always something he did or said that made me smile. Anyway, take care.
—Angie
Thank you for sharing the motivation and showing how Alzheimer’s can be less painful
—Vanya, Beirut
I share your thoughts. I used to have dreams that my mom was suddenly back to her old self, too. It was a way of wishing that the dementia never happened, and unfortunately, one can’t wish the condition away. We have to walk through the journey, rocks, bumps, potholes, and all, and hope that at the end we reach a place of understanding and compassion for others who are, or will be, traveling the same road.
—Julianne
Hi Lisa,
When I read your story of how your heart was changed towards your mom, I thought, Oh, that’s me, too. When I was growing up, I didn’t treat my mom too well; mostly, I ignored her. Mom moved in with me and my family (husband and two teenage boys) eight years ago. She already had dementia, but it wasn’t too bad. She repeated herself and had some memory loss. Today, she has very advanced memory loss. She doesn’t remember what objects are or where she is. She doesn’t recognize most family members. She is still living with us. It is a challenge. I gave up my life for her along the way. I love her so much. I would do anything for her. I take it one day at a time. She is the sweetest person I know. She is happy and still signs old hymns daily. Funny how she remembers the words of old hymns like “Blessed Assurance.” I will continue this path until either the Lord calls her home or she is on hospice. Thanks for sharing.
—Patricia
Lisa’s blog illustrates an important concept when interacting with those with Alzheimer’s. As Lisa succinctly says, “My mom does not remember what is true, and to me that makes no difference. At this point it does not matter. I guess what I need, or so badly want, is to delight in these cute and humorous conversations whether they make sense or not.” So true, Lisa, as arguing about the accuracy of the memory of a past event only serves to upset both the person with Alzheimer’s and the person who is engaged in a conversation. It is about savoring the present, sharing the moment, and making it matter on a satisfying emotional level because after all, that is all we truly have.
—Long Island Alzheimer’s Foundation
Visit Lisa’s blog at
www.MommyHero.blogspot.com.
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My Mom My Hero: Alzheimer's - A Mother and Daughter's Bittersweet Journey Page 10
