In that same field, the woman said, we now have this, and then a fluorescent image came into focus. Flying directly over the field, the jet had videotaped this enormous heart with an arrow through it—someone tagged the whole damn field with a fluorescent green heart that read, CC + TD = TLA! First thing I did was reach for my tattoo, and I took the Band-Aid off—I’ve been wearing one of those huge Band-Aids made for heels or whatever, and I tried shading my shoulder, but I couldn’t see it. Knox, look: look, I said, and I got up, walking to the end of the hall, where it was dark. He got up and walked over, and I showed him, pulling back my T-shirt. All you could see, just barely, was the scar on my shoulder, but no tattoo. Where is it? he said. It’s gone, I said, shaking my head. Knox, my tattoo is gone—it’s in that field now.
Knox exhaled a thick sigh, not like one I’d ever heard before, and he turned, heading back into the living room, needing to sit and think about this a second, I could tell. When I followed him back into the living room, I saw that he had a bottle open. Whiskey, scotch, I don’t know the difference. Especially when the bottle’s almost empty. Maybe that’s why he really didn’t want me sleeping over. I couldn’t really deal with that, too, at that moment, while Knox hit play, returning to the end of the news story.
All I could think about was my tattoo—you could see it from a mile above ground. Isn’t that something? the guy reporter in the studio said, and I shivered, crossing my arms. Police say that they don’t have a suspect yet, but they do have a few leads, said the chick—what’s-her-name, the one who gave me her card. Leads? I said, and Knox said, The authorities don’t have a fucking clue, trust me—we don’t have any leads. He stifled a belch with one fist, and then he said, Excuse me.
He was sloppy, but still on the job. Has anyone else seen it? Your tattoo? he said, trying to act as sober as he could. My radioactive tattoo? I asked, and he said, Yes, and I said, No. I taped it up. I covered it with one of those jumbo Band-Aids—no one’s seen me, I said. He scratched the side of his cheek for a moment, thinking it over, and then, finally, he said, This is some fucked-up shit. I don’t know what the hell is going on, here, but I do know some fucked-up shit when I see it. I knew he was drunk: Knox never swears. Then he nodded, agreeing with himself, and then he said, Go on, cocking his head toward the stairs. Off to bed with you, he said, still staring at the TV, so I got up and said good night, passing him. I’d walked halfway upstairs, when Knox called after me, Thea? I could feel him on the other side of the wall, sitting on the couch, staring in the opposite direction, toward the TV. Yes? I said, and then he said, Sweet dreams.
I crawled back into bed as quietly as I could, but Melody was awake. Thee? she said, and I pulled the covers over my shoulder, turning to her, inches from her face. Is my dad awake? she said, and I said, Yes. He’s drinking, she said, matter-of-fact, and I said, Yes. Every night, she says. He must drink a bottle a night, easy. Sometimes, I’ll wake up, hearing him crying. Because of me, she said, and I said, No—it’s not you, and she said, It is. I know it is. He can’t stop wishing I were healthy, normal, and it tears him up, because he loves me. You know he always says, You’re perfect, my perfect girl, and I don’t know who he’s trying to convince. I just wish…, she said, then she stopped; her eyes welling. You wish what? I said, Tell me. And Mel said, Some people believe everything happens for a reason, but I don’t know about that. I think, honestly, sometimes things just happen and we make of it what we will. But whether there’s any reason or not, I just wish my dad could forgive us both for being who we really are.
I don’t know if Mel could see the tears in my eyes, but I wiped them off my cheek, then I hugged her arm in mine and closed my eyes. I didn’t say anything, because the one thing I’ve figured out is that there are times you have to find the courage to say everything in your heart. And there are times you cannot possibly say everything in your heart, so you have to find the courage to be quiet and still in the dark.
SATURDAY, DECEMBER 25, 2010
(FOUR MONTHS EARLIER)
8:53 PM
Karen wanted a picture. That’s what she asked for for Christmas, one of my drawings or a photo. It freaked me out, too, because Karen used to own a famous frame shop in Los Angeles, like she knows Sally Mann—she’s framed Sally Mann’s photographs, okay? If that wasn’t bad enough, when Karen invited us over for Christmas, I didn’t know what to say, because, well, for one thing, she’d already had us over for Thanksgiving, and it’s not like I wanted to have them over to our place, because we wouldn’t all fit for starters. So when Karen said, Thea, I was hoping you, your mom, and Raymond could join us for Christmas brunch, I looked at her like, Eeesh, not so sure about that. Because Karen knows how I feel about Raymond. I mean, I haven’t told her everything, but she knows.
It was about two weeks before Christmas, and we were in her little shop—that’s what she calls the back room, off the patio. She’s set up in there, and the room’s just big enough for framing, and I went over one day, when Cam was out, skating, so we could work on framing the pictures I was giving him. We were choosing mattes, and then she said, Thea, I called and invited your mom and Raymond for Christmas, holding up one of the pictures I’d chosen for my mom, and my face fell.
For a moment, I felt really annoyed with her, too. Because she knew how I felt, and she invited Ray anyway. What’s that look? she asked, smiling in that motherly way like she was about to reprimand me, but it wouldn’t hurt too much, because I’d see the wisdom of it. She goes, I know you don’t understand, and I said, You’re right, I don’t. I mean, I’m sorry, but I can’t stand the guy, how he treats my mom, and he makes things so much worse with her, and whatever. I didn’t want Ray there, period, and it was the first time I’d had a really hard time talking to Karen, and she goes, Thea, it’s Christmas, and it’s the right thing to do. I go, Karen, trust me, there’s nothing right about Ray, whatever day of the year, and she goes, It’ll be easier on your mother, and then we heard the front door open in the house. Cam was back. I just stared at the ground, not sure what to say.
You don’t want him here that badly? she asked, sighing, covering the photographs I’d brought. I go, Honestly, no, I don’t want him here that badly, and her face fell. I go, I’m not a bad person because I don’t want him in my life or my mom’s life, and because I don’t want to spend Christmas with Raymond, playing nice because it’s Christmas, I said, feeling my throat swell. Now my boyfriend’s mom would know I was not this sweet girl, you know? Listen, she said, grabbing my hand, taking it in hers. Karen said, Thea, all I’m saying is there are times we have to take the high road, and I think this is one of those times. If you don’t want him here, all right. It’s your choice, she said, and I stared at the ground, then Cam walked in, and he had this look, like, Whoa, what’s going on? Because he could see we were in the middle of something.
I told him about it on the way home, but he’s like Karen. Meaning, they’re bigger people than I am, I guess. Seriously, it was so painful at Thanksgiving, watching Ray looking at Karen’s artwork with that buffoon look on his face, like, WTF, dude, this looks like scribbles, my nephew could do that…. So when I got home that night, I almost said something to my mom, too, telling her Ray wasn’t invited, so if she didn’t want to go to Karen’s house on Christmas, that was her decision. But then, looking at her, sitting at the table, taking out the few ornaments that were light enough to hang on the Charlie Brown fake tree we put up in the living room, I couldn’t. Because she was smiling, and I didn’t see her look that way much anymore.
Christmas Day, Ray picked us up, and we drove over at noon, but the whole way, I was trying to steel my mind. Telling myself, You’re not going to snap. You’re not going to roll your eyes. And you’re not going to let Rain Man piss you off and make a scene in Karen’s house, because this is her house, and you love her, and you are going to behave. Whether anyone knows it or not, I thought, this is my gift to you all. So I hope you love it, because it might be the last time ever.
/> It was fine. Really, it wasn’t great, but it was fine. The food was amazing, and Karen and my mom were laughing, and Raymond was embarrassing, but not as bad as usual, because he was out of his element, so he actually kept his mouth shut. Cam kept checking in, squeezing my shoulders every few minutes, reassuring me it was cool, right. By the time gift time rolled around, I was so excited, I asked if I could give Karen her gifts first. Cam helped me choose a picture for her, and I handed it to her, and she shook the box, like she didn’t know what it was. Then she started opening it, all delicate, until I said, Karen, rip the paper! So she tore it open, and she took the photograph out and opened up the matte frame I’d made…. She looked at it for a good minute, then her eyes started welling, and she goes, I love it, and she gave me a kiss.
So Karen held up the photograph, so everyone could see, and Raymond’s face… ohmygod, Rain Man, I swear, his mouth fell open. Like he was standing there, holding his beer in his hand, with that wide-leg stance he takes, and seeing this picture of me in my underwear, he balked, like he wasn’t seeing it right. It’s me, I said, so proud that Karen approved, and she wasn’t just saying she loved it to be nice, either. Cam sat in his chair, grinning at me, because it was really scary, giving Karen that picture, and he swore it was the right one, and he was right.
It’s beautiful, Mom said, squeezing my shoulder, and I felt really happy, but then, hearing my mom, Raymond looked at her, like, What? Like, you could see the wheels in Ray’s head thinking, Drr. Her feet are blurry, why are her feet blurry? And why is she sitting on a chair in her underwear? Karen caught my eye, and then she goes, Raymond, can I get you another beer? Right on cue, Cam sprung up from his chair, saying, I’ll get it. Anyone else? I followed him, and then Karen followed me, and we barely made it to the kitchen before we burst out laughing.
Took a few minutes to gather ourselves, but then we carried our drinks back into the living room. For a minute there, it was good, and I was thinking maybe Christmas isn’t so bad, after all. Then, at that moment, at that very second, my phone rang, and everyone turned. I knew, so I let it go to voice mail, because I knew it was my dad calling. Cheers, everyone, Karen said, holding up her drink, so we all held up our drinks, toasting. I took a big drink of my eggnog, waiting for the burn to pass in the back of my throat, and then I grabbed another square box, and I looked over and smiling this big smile, I said, Ray, ready to open your gift?
SATURDAY, MAY 28, 2011
(EIGHT WEEKS LATER)
4:32 PM
Mel’s obsessed with chairlifts. Don’t ask me how we got on the subject, but it came one day when we were driving past Silver Top. I sighed, looking out the window, and I said, Look, Mel: There’s Silver Top, and she goes, Let’s go. And I said, You want to go in, really? And she said, Why not? My mom won’t be home for a couple hours, so I said, Knox, Mel wants to go to Silver Top, and he raised his brow, looking at her in the mirror, and she grinned that grin that he can’t resist. Mel has this smile that turns Knox to putty, like total daddy dough, and she pulled that number on him, all right; he knew he was beat, and he pulled over.
So we went in and sat at our table, the booth Cam and I always took, and it was strange, because I wanted them to sit there with me, but I didn’t at the same time, because I can’t seem to juggle both sides of my life, you know? Anyhow, Mel’s totally hooked on Flickr, and she has this thing for chairlifts, so I found this picture for her and I showed it to her after we sat down. It’s not one of those pictures people take during the wintertime, when you can see snow everywhere and people are sitting on chairlifts, with their skis dangling in the air. The one I chose for her was this shot of a single chairlift—must be in the summer or the fall, maybe, because there was no snow and the people were all gone. It was a picture of this big empty chairlift, high up in the air, and the first time I saw it, I knew how badly Mel would want to sit on it like a swing, with the whole sky to herself.
So we’re sitting there, and Mel was saying how she wanted to go on a Ferris wheel, too, how cool it would be to feel her legs dangle, when this black SUV drove by. I caught it out of the corner of my eye, and right away, I felt this chill run up and down my back before I even knew why, and then it registered: it was Foley.
Knox saw it, too, and then Mel saw there was something wrong, so she asked, What is it? Nothing, I said, squeezing her hand. But my hand was clammy, and I think she knew. And if she didn’t, a minute later, the bell rang over the door, and Foley walked in. He saw us through the window, I know he did. Knox had his back turned to the door, but he saw my face go pale, and just as he was turning to look, Foley came straight for us, smiling. He goes, Detective Knox, and all I wanted was to throw my body over Mel like a blanket and protect her. But there was nothing I could do, you know, except stare at the table, feeling Foley walk straight over.
Agent Foley, Knox said. He didn’t offer his hand, he didn’t say anything. Hello, Theadora, Foley said, and Mel still had her back turned, and then Foley bent over to look Melody in the eye, and said, And who is this? I didn’t say anything, and Knox didn’t say anything. At that moment, I think we both wanted to jump Foley and strangle him. This is my daughter, Melody, Knox said, and Foley goes, I didn’t know you had a daughter, Detective Knox. Melody, Foley drawled, sort of singsong. What a beautiful name. And what a beautiful girl, he said, leaning around to face her, and I shuddered. Then Foley did the most vile thing: he took Melody’s right hand and shook it. I swear, I almost stabbed him in the neck with my fork.
Melody, I almost feel as though we’ve met before, Foley said, eyeing me, meaning the night he went to their house, looking for Knox, and I shook my head. I don’t believe you’ve met my daughter, Knox said, intervening, and Foley said, No, I certainly wouldn’t forget her if I had, acting all suave, and Mel goes, Gag! Foley smiled and said, What’s that? My jaw dropped, and all I could do was look away, staring at the table, trying to breathe. Mel picked up on it, too, because she said, Thee, can he hear me? She was thinking out loud, in my head, and Foley touched her arm, standing up again. He did—I swear Foley heard Mel, speaking, and it was all I could do to sit there, clenching my fists beneath the table.
Have you two been friends a long time? Foley asked me, and I couldn’t even find my voice to answer. We were just giving Thea a ride home, Knox said. It’s been a difficult week, he said, reaching for Mel’s arm and telling Foley to back away from his daughter. I imagine so, yes, Foley said, still looking at me. Well, nice to see you all, I just came in for the coffee. Really, who has better coffee than Silver Top? Good-bye, Melody, Foley said, leaning around her chair again, looking her in the eye. Such a pleasure to meet you. Theadora, he said, and then he stepped away, taking all the oxygen in my lungs with him.
Neither one of us said anything, Knox or me, and then Mel goes, Who the hell was that? Long story, I said, and then she convulsed, her whole body. We thought the same thing, Knox and I, and then she goes, Disgusting, like practically hissing. I started laughing, and then, I lost it. Because Foley is so disgusting, and I almost fell out of the booth, I started laughing so hard. And then Melody said, Is that the one, Dad? Is that the guy? Without even thinking, I raised my right hand, speaking for her, and I said, Is that the one, Dad? Is that the guy? And then I realized what I’d done, talking loud enough for anyone to hear. Automatically, I turned to see if Foley had heard, and he was sitting there, at the counter, looking at us. The way he was looking at us, if I didn’t know any better, I’d think he knew exactly what was going on. Shall we, ladies? Knox said, squeezing out of the booth, taking out his wallet.
No one really had anything to say the whole way back to my house. We took the back road, because it was quieter, and I could still slip in and out of my building easier. When Knox pulled over, I started to get out, and then I stopped. I need to tell you something, I said, and Knox sighed a sigh I’d never heard, like an I’m not getting out of this, am I? sigh. So I just came out with it: Foley has my medical records, I said. How do you know?
Knox said, frowning. I just know he does, I said, and Knox shook his head and he goes, Are you sick? I couldn’t help smiling, and I said, Sometimes. My stomach was all twisted, so I just spit it out: I was in a hospital for a few months. Psych ward, I said, and all I could think was, He’s never going to let me see Mel again; he’s never going to believe me… But Knox didn’t say anything for a minute.
What happened? he said, and I smiled, remembering Cam say that. Me, I said, I happened. I have a problem sometimes, I said, and it was so hard, saying it, but I did. I go, I cut myself—not anymore, but I used to. And for a while, I couldn’t stop. I know he knows. Foley knows, I said. And I know he’s going to use it somehow, so I want you to know. I go, Knox, I’ve never lied to you, ever. But tell me, how did you, how did your family? he said, trying to figure out how it all went down. I didn’t want to tell him anything, but after everything that’s happened, I don’t have any more room for any more secrets, you know? So I told him, straight out.
One afternoon, I was in the bathroom, and I cut too deep, and I felt blood on my leg, and I had to turn and look, because I was afraid I’d get blood on the floor. And when I saw it, I fainted. Wait, you fainted from cutting too deep? he said, looking confused. No, I fainted because I can’t stand the sight of blood, I said, and he goes, Thea, you’re telling me you’re a cutter, but you can’t stand the sight of blood? I said, Stranger things have happened, and he looked at me like he didn’t know what to say to that. I go, I can’t watch horror movies, I can’t watch blood being taken at the doctor’s office without feeling faint. I’m not kidding, if there’s blood in my dream, like even if I have a dream with blood in it, I’ll pass out—in my dream. Then I’ll wake up, I said, and Knox covered his eyes with all his fingers, letting out this slow sigh, like, just when he thought he’d heard it all.
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