by Reese Rivers
“Meet me at the cavern,” I tell them as I take off down the stairs. “I’d like to be out of here in the next twenty minutes, please.”
I’m not interested in rehashing their arguments again. Last night after I’d finally had enough and snapped at them that I was going with or without them, I left them to clean up the supper I had made and spent the rest of the night in the cavern making easy lunches to take with us and double-checking the go bags Ryan and Tommy always insisted we wear any time we left the fences. The bags have pretty much everything a person could need to survive for three days in them. After that, I set out the bag with the fireworks, holsters, silenced handguns, and knives for the guys to carry. Everything is ready to go so all I need to finish is topping off the four water bottles that we will clip to our packs with fresh water and then head out.
By the time I’ve filled all the water bottles in the kitchen, all four of the guys are waiting in the cavern for me. I zero in on Oliver.
“All that really needs to be done today is feed the chickens and collect the eggs. You could …”
My suggestion is cut off when he pulls me into his arms and kisses me hard. When he pulls back and lets me go I can’t remember what I was going to say.
“That fear you have about losing the ones you love? You aren’t the only one who has that fear, Kelsey. I need you to be careful and come back to me.” He tells me softly, causing the breath to catch in my lungs. I dive back at him and try and tell him with my lips how much he means to me as well. Devin clearing his throat obnoxiously has us breaking apart and with a final squeeze of his hands I turn to the others and sniff back the emotions crowding my throat.
“Okay, there’s a bag here for each of you as well as silenced guns and knives. It’s best for us to try and use the knives on any dead we encounter as even with silencers the guns will make noise and draw others to us. But use them if you have to. Don’t take unnecessary risks.”
Of course, it’s Devin who buts in with a snarky comment. “You do know we lived out there from the start, right? We know how to handle the dead, Princess.”
I ignore him and carry on. “It’s a two-hour walk to the quarry and it will take us another half hour to get around it to the other side where the cannons are. Linc, would you be okay carrying both your pack and the bag with the fireworks?”
He grabs both bags and hefts them to check the weight and then nods.
“Not a problem.”
I grab my pack and clip on the water bottle, settling it securely on my back so it won’t get in the way of my guns or knife and once the guys are ready, I shoot one last look Oliver’s way and then lead them out.
When I close and lock the gate behind me I pull some of the ivy that has broken away and try to arrange it so that the outline of the gate isn’t so obvious. It’s not perfect but it’ll do for now.
Heading south, we move quietly but at a decent pace, following natural breaks through the trees and using game trails where possible. It’s nice to be out from behind the fences even if my head is on a constant swivel searching for any zombies that might be headed our way. The first half-hour goes smoothly with only three of the dead approaching us and they are easily taken down by, of course, the guys. Even though one staggered toward me from my left, Devin still crowded me out of the way so he could take it down with his knife. I thanked him silently by rolling my eyes and clutching my crotch to show him how big I thought his balls were or just that he’s a dick, whichever way he took it works for me. He hit back by rubbing the bulge in the front of his pants and giving me a suggestive look that had me turning away so he wouldn’t see the grin I couldn’t stop.
I can see the break in the trees ahead and with every step toward it, I feel my shoulders tighten. I knew we would have to pass by this place but I pushed it to the back of my mind until now.
When we step from under the tree’s shadows and into the sun all of our feet come to a stop at what lay ahead. I can feel their eyes on me, questioning why I’ve stopped but my eyes are on Tara. She’s out in the middle of the most beautiful, magical-looking meadow filled with a riot of colored wildflowers. I swallow the thick knot of emotions in my throat when I see the huge smile on her face as she places a woven crown of flowers on her head and leans over to gather more. She looks so happy, so peaceful out there and I can only pray that my vision is true.
When a tear slips free and I sigh, Dev takes my hand and stands beside me looking out at the meadow.
“She’s out there, isn’t she?” He asks softly, but I can’t say it so I just tug free from him and turn away.
“We need to go around,” I croak out.
Linc and Grayson don’t ask why, they just turn and make their way around the meadow to the trees on the other side. I’m grateful they don’t press or ask because I can’t say the words and I can’t bear for me or anyone else to walk through this sacred meadow where I laid my best friend to rest. When we hit the other side and the guys file back under the trees, I turn back once and lift a hand in a small wave. Of course, my bestie just rolls her eyes at me, makes the “You’re an idiot” face, and waves me away. I turn and leave her there, knowing she will still be with me the next time she has an opinion on what’s happening in my life.
The dead show up in more numbers over the next hour or so, the closer we get to the quarry but never in numbers we can’t handle. It’s harder for them to bunch up into groups here in the trees so at most they come at us in a few pairs but mostly one at a time. I finally get fed up with the way the guys keep crowding me out of the way so they can take care of any that come on my side and let my knife fly at a nasty obese zombie that keeps stepping on his rotting intestines. My knife impales the zombie’s soft skull right in the middle of its forehead, taking it down to the ground as Grayson was starting to move in that direction.
Grayson flinches away and glares at me with a look as if to say “What the fuck?” so I return the favor with a “Fuck off or you’re next” look. He must get the point because he raises his hands and steps back. I stomp past him and pull my knife while trying not to gag at the putrid smell coming off the monster I took down and then keep on walking. I simmer on it for a while and finally resign myself to the knowledge that they are all going to keep trying to protect me and I will be forced to make a point that I can take care of myself now and again to get them to reel it in a bit.
Another ten more minutes of walking and I can start to hear the faint noise of hundreds of moans. We hit the tree line and I step back out into the sun and wait for the guys to join me. There’s a strip of land covered in long grass that runs around twenty feet before the ground gives out and a sheer drop straight down to the quarry that we set up for our zombie trap. There is no dead lingering in the area because they follow movement and sound and there’s plenty of that in twenty feet. I feel comfortable talking out loud here so I point across the quarry.
“Can you see the metal tower over there? That’s where the cannons are.”
I drop my arm and move halfway to the edge so that part of the water-filled bottom comes into view and shake my head at the mess I see thrashing in the water. When Dev tries to step past me to get a closer look I hold out my arm to stop him. “Don’t. Don’t get any closer. The ground is starting to erode and chunks have been falling in. It’s not safe to get any closer.
He nods in acknowledgment and then cranes his neck to get a better look and lets out a low whistle of appreciation. “Fuck me, there has to be at least a thousand deadheads down there!”
I shrug. “Probably more than that. The ones on top keep getting pushed down as more fall in. I wouldn’t be surprised if the layers of dead go all the way to the bottom.”
I turn away not wanting to look anymore. Every time I’m out here I can’t help but wonder if Ryan, Tommy, and Lisa are somewhere in that mess. I nudge Dev and the others to pull their attention away from the boiling zombie soup pot and point out where we need to go.
“We have to circle out far enough to
avoid the parts of the quarry that have trees growing right up to the edge. The other side is like here with a strip of bare land and the tower is set back about ten feet from the edge. We think it used to have a crane on it but whatever this place was used for it was closed down long before the dead came back to life. It shouldn’t take us more than a half-hour or so to make it around so let’s go.”
We only encounter one zombie on our way and it’s so intent on finding where the noise is coming from that we just stand perfectly still and it walks right past us without even looking our way. When we break out of the trees again on the other side, Linc hands Grayson the bag of fireworks causing me to frown and reach for it.
“I’ll do it. You can go up with me and I will show you what needs to be done.”
Grayson holds the bag back away from me and drops a hand on my shoulder to keep me in place.
“There is no doubt in any of our minds just how capable you are. We know you can handle the dead and do anything we could do, probably better. But for the love of cheese, Kells, can you please just let us try and take care of you a little bit? I promise when we get back you can throw all of us around to show us how good you are. I’ll even hold Dev so you can take a few shots at him but for now, can you please let me climb this rickety, ancient, rusted-out tower and do the one thing I’m good at? Tommy left detailed notes on how this setup works. I’m not just going to reload the cannons, I’m going to clear and check the solar panels and check all the connections to the receiver to make sure nothing needs to be switched out. So can you please let me do it?”
My hand drops from reaching for the bag but I step in and plant a quick kiss on his mouth.
“Leave me your pack and I’ll top up your water while you get the job done. Also, be careful.”
He shrugs off his pack and hands it to me with a grin, “Always am, babe.”
I turn my back and get busy filling our bottles from the larger ones I packed in each go-bag, unable to watch as he climbs up the rusty rungs. I’m swallowing a little bit of crow here as the way the guys want to protect me hits home, mirroring my own desire to keep them safe. I work on filling up Linc and Devin’s bottles too as Dev watches the trees for any incoming dead and Linc watches Grayson doing the job we came here to do.
By the time I’ve topped off everyone’s water and forced myself to turn and look, Grayson’s climbing back down with an empty bag over his shoulder. I let out a sigh of relief just as Dev calls out.
“Guys! A little help here, please!”
I spin back and see the largest group of zombies we’ve encountered yet stagger out of the tree line. A quick scan has me coming up with at least a dozen. I’m moving before I even finish counting to the group that’s bunched up the most and cringe when I hear Devin and Linc both call out my name in warning.
I don’t spare them a glance but I do snap out, “Focus! Distractions will get you killed!”
I spin and kick out at the ragged woman leading this pack and nail her right in the solar plexus sending her flying back and taking two of her followers down to the ground in a tangle of limbs. There’s three more coming in right behind them and that’s too many for knife work so I pull my gun and fire five shots, taking them all out. At this close range, it’s almost impossible to miss. I turn to take out the next few that are stepping out of the trees and almost stumble when I see all three of the guys moving toward me instead of dealing with the dead that are heading their way.
“Argh! What the fuck are you doing?” I yell at them and it seems to break them out of the stupid trance they’ve fallen into. Fucking hell, the zombies won’t have to kill them because I’m going to! I’m so pissed off that I just let loose and shoot every fucking zombie that’s left the tree line, switching out guns to finish off the last few that the guys should already have taken out before stomping over to meet them as I reload on the fly.
“What the actual fuck! I never should have brought you out here with me. Yes, you all are big strong men and you want to take care of me and protect me and I get that, but seriously? Fucking seriously? Get your shit together because out here you can’t let me become a distraction. Distractions get you dead. Rule number four, motherfuckers!” I reach down and snatch my pack and sling it on my back, fighting back fury-filled tears of frustration. “I can’t be responsible for that. If one of you gets bit, I can’t put a bullet through someone’s head ag … Fuck! Grab your packs and let’s go. We’re going home.” I finish weakly and leave them standing there, shocked by my tirade.
I crash through the trees at a stupid, reckless pace but even then I’m constantly scanning for threats. The way they were looking at me? The fear and panic I saw in their eyes as the dead approached was too familiar. I know they were scared for me and not for themselves but still, it was too much of a déjà vu for me and I lost my shit. Now I’m mad and embarrassed and it’s not a great combination for me. When I hear footfalls coming up behind me fast, I know it’s them and not the dead but I’m not stupid so I take a quick glance back just to be sure and immediately see a furious Dev hot on my heels. I turn my head away and fume. He can be as mad at me as he wants. I wasn’t the dumbass standing there staring at a girl instead of killing the fucking zombies that wanted to eat his fucking face.
I keep up the fast pace - only slowing once in an open area with good lines of sight so I can swing my pack around and dig out the sandwich I made for lunch and then speed up again to eat on the go. I want to be home and for this day to be done. When we get back to the meadow of wildflowers, I turn to walk around it without pausing this time. Tara steps up beside me and walks with me, still wearing her crown of flowers.
“You know they just want to keep you safe, Kells.”
I hiss out at her, “They could have been bit or killed. Then I’d be back to holding a gun to someone’s forehead. I can’t do that again. I’m not the one who needs to be kept safe.”
She threads her arm through mine as we walk. “You have to let that go. You’re never going to heal until you move on and forgive me.”
I shake my head but don’t respond so she sighs and waves toward the meadow. “You know I’m not in there and you know I’m not really here either. You have to let me go, babes.”
I swallow back the angry tears that threaten and grind out, “I’ll get right on that.”
And then I’m stepping back into the trees and she leaves me once again.
Oliver
Anxiety has been my nemesis for as long as I can remember. A childhood full of abuse had me paralyzed by it and it took countless state psychologists assigned to me once I was in foster care to teach me how to master it and take control of my emotions. Through a lot of hard work I managed to rewire my brain to think in straight clean lines that I can control. When the dead rose, a few of those straight lines zigged and zagged but I was able to straighten them with the help of my brothers and a solid plan on how to move forward. But now, one amazing woman has taken all the lines in my brain and turned them into a mass of tangled, knotted noodles that I struggle to redirect into a semblance of order I’ve never been in love before but I think this is what love is. Messy, tangled emotions that turn you into knots and make every emotion amplified. I hate it and I never want it to end.
Drawing the short stick was beyond hard for me to accept. To stay behind while the woman I love and the men I call family go out into the dangerous world we barely managed to survive has created jagged peaks and valleys in my lines that I’ve had to work on all day to smooth out. Every calming and refocusing tool I’ve ever been taught has been used to manage it but I still can’t stand to be idle. I’ve walked the perimeter four times already since they left, going faster each time. A thorough visual inventory of the hidden storeroom didn’t take up nearly enough time and neither did the inventory of the massive motorhome. Even after trying to keep busy with the few chores that needed to be done and multiple failed attempts at playing different video games, I’m still a twitchy mess.
This rela
tionship I’m trying to build with Kelsey will be hurdle after hurdle for me to manage. I want to hold her close to me and never let her out of my sight. I ache to soothe the deep pain I know she carries inside and help fill the cracks that run through her strength with my love. I want her so badly, mind, body, and heart but I also know that there’s a danger of smothering her in my quest to have her. I saw that plainly over the last two days as Dev tried to limit the dangers of our world by holding her back. She lashed out and pushed for the space to still be the strong survivor this world has turned her into. She’s so capable in so many ways and we will all have to try hard not to become overbearing and controlling of her in our desire to keep her safe.
None of that knowledge helps the anxiety and stress I’m feeling and will keep feeling until I see her and the others safe, back behind our fences. I need something to focus on, something challenging to redirect my brain so I can find a small amount of peace until that happens. I end up in the cavern kitchen and gather all the ingredients to make the one dish that I excel at, gyoza - Japanese pork dumplings. I was taught to make this dish by my third set of foster parents. Kenji and Hina Ito took me in when I was twelve years old and completely changed my life for the two years I lived with them. I had never been in a home that was so calm, steady, and quiet before. Their constant support and encouragement eased the chaos that filled my mind.
Kenji’s love of math and numbers showed me a way to order my thoughts and feelings by focusing on numbers and angles as a calming tool. Hina was an accomplished chef and she taught me the power of five and many of the Zen teachings. Preparing complicated meals with Hina that required the use of the five senses, taste, smell, touch, sight and hearing was another way for me to center and balance.
