“I’ve known Scott Perrigo for a long time. He said it was important that we talk. I’m here to help,” Eileen says. “Why don’t you start talking about how you’re feeling, and we’ll go from there.”
“I’m not sure what to say.”
She looks down at a piece of paper, and I wonder what Scott told her or what my agent told Scott. Eileen glances up and says, “Filing for divorce can be a hard thing to process, especially when you’re not ready.”
“I’m ready.” As soon as I say the words, my chest seizes. I shake my head slightly, angry with myself. I am ready, so why does it feel like I’m making a mistake?
“I understand that you have two children?”
“Yes, my son, Reggie, he’s eight, and my daughter Roxy is three.”
“And how are they doing with their mother being gone?”
“Reggie struggles. He misses her and is angry. As much as I try to block social media on his phone, his classmates share what they hear from their parents, so he knows his mom has a boyfriend. He feels like she’s chosen her boyfriend over him.”
“And what do you think?”
“I think he’s right. I believe my wife,” I pause at the sourness that comes from calling Elena, my wife. “My soon to be ex-wife is absent from the children’s lives. She’s trying to find her big break into acting and uses it as an excuse to stay away. But, when Reggie asks, I tell him his mom is working. He doesn’t buy it though. He’s smart. He knows what’s going on.”
“Probably a lot to take on for an eight-year-old.”
“It is,” I agree.
“And your daughter?”
“Still just a baby,” I say. “She doesn’t really talk about her mom a whole lot. Roxy will talk to Elena when she calls, but even the calls are sporadic. At first, I made it a point for the kids to call their mother each night before bed, but Elena wouldn’t always answer, and I found that to be extremely hurtful to them, so I stopped forcing it.”
Dr. O’Donnell writes something down and then sets her pen down. “What about you, Julius?”
I smirk. What about me? I shrug. “I never thought my wife would cheat on me, and I definitely never thought I’d file for divorce. I guess I thought I’d beat the odds and have a long marriage like my parents. I know Elena isn’t the only one to blame, but I’m putting all the blame on her. She signed up for this NFL wife reality show. It was a hit, but suddenly, we had drama, and we were fighting. We hadn’t fought before. We spent the season here and then the off-season in Los Angeles. I thought we were a strong couple. Then, these cameras start following us around, and producers are saying shit, causing issues. I tried to make her see this, but she felt I was overreacting, and accused me of stifling her passion for acting. Which only started after the reality show. When it was time to return to Portland, she told me she had a part in a movie and I should take the kids with me. I didn’t balk because I’m trying to support her career and whatnot. Turns out, she had started dating someone behind my back—a guy she met on the set. I thought the images I saw on social media were from the movie set. When I confronted her about it, she asked for a divorce. I reminded her that our prenup has an adultery clause, meaning she doesn’t get a cent of alimony if she cheats. At first, she denied it, but when I went to talk to her, her boyfriend showed up and all but confirmed they are in a relationship.”
“Have you ever cheated on your wife?”
The question angers me. Is she assuming because I’m a professional athlete that I’ve cheated because others have? I start to shake my head but quickly stop myself. “I feel like I have,” I tell her.
“Care to elaborate?”
Not really. “I met a woman. We’ve spent time together, and I’ve introduced her to the kids.”
“Has Elena’s boyfriend met the children?”
I look out the window. It’s raining, and the only thing I can see outside is cars and an array of different colors moving down the sidewalk. If you find yourself caught in the rain in Portland, there is no one to blame but yourself. It’s guaranteed to rain. You might as well carry an umbrella with you. Or start watching the weather reports, as I have.
“He hasn’t, and I never intended for the woman I’m seeing to meet them as well. It just happened.”
“Let’s go back to why you feel like you’re cheating.”
I sigh and rub the front of my jeans, and then readjust the way I’m sitting. “I feel like just because Elena asked for a divorce doesn’t mean we are divorced or separated. I don’t know. I’m having a hard time wrapping my brain around it.”
“How did you start seeing this new woman?”
“We have the same friends, and she won me in a charity auction. Since the night I met her, I’ve been attracted to her—which also happened to be the day I returned from seeing Elena and met her boyfriend. I was angry at my wife, the world, everything. Then this beautiful, drop-dead gorgeous woman walks in, and instantly I wanted to know her. I wanted to be with her.” I look down at my lap and brush some imaginary lint away. “I can’t help but wonder if I would’ve cheated on my wife with this woman. Thinking like that makes me sick to my stomach. I tried to stay away from her. Found every excuse I could. I accused her of using my friends to get places in her career, but none of it mattered because the first moment we were alone, I kissed her.”
“And that makes you feel like you cheated?”
I shake my head. “The other night, we slept together, and ever since, I have felt like I’ve disrespected my marriage. I hadn’t even filed for divorce yet and already slept with another woman. I can’t wrap my head around how this makes me any different from Elena.”
“Unfortunately, I’m not the person to tell you that your feelings should be different. You’re the only one who can. Everyone is going to have a different opinion. Some will say you’re separated. Others will say you’re not. It’s not something anyone can decide except for you. Does the woman you’re with feel the same way?”
Once again, I look out the window. The rain hasn’t stopped, and according to Autumn, it’s going to rain all day or at least drizzle, tapering off in the evening, only to pick up again overnight. I watched her broadcast last night because I needed to see her but I am too much of a coward to knock on her door and face the music.
“I don’t know how she feels. I don’t want to tarnish the night we had together. It seems mean to go to her and say I feel like I’m cheating on my wife, especially since we’ve been dating and whatnot. Are you suggesting I step back from her?”
“No, I’m not suggesting anything. We just met, and we’re establishing a baseline. I think you have a lot to work through, starting with your feelings. I’ve gathered you feel like you’re cheating, but also feel like you would’ve done so once you met this new woman. Am I correct?”
I nod because she’s right, and I hate myself for it. “Autumn is her name,” I tell Eileen. “She’s amazing, and I’ve never been so attracted to someone that all I do is think about them. With Elena—we had been caught up in a tornado, and our relationship went from there. With Autumn—we locked eyes, and I knew right off that she was dangerous. Which again, is so incredibly stupid because she’s harmless.” I stand and start to pace around the room. There are bookshelves along the wall, each shelf filled with books, photos, and knickknacks. On the next wall over, it’s painted dark blue, while the rest of the room is a cream color. But hanging on this wall are the diplomas Eileen has received. Her bachelors, masters, and her Ph.D. are all encased in ornate frames.
Eileen stays in her chair, with the pad of paper resting on her knee. Each time I look at her, she’s watching me, observing my every move. What does she see? Does she see me as a football player or some messed-up dad and husband needing advice? Or something else?
“You’ve convinced yourself that you would’ve acted on your attraction with Autumn. Do you know if she would’ve reciprocated once she found out you were married?”
I’m on the other side of the room now
, looking at the inspirational posters hanging on the wall. “No, she would not have done anything. When she found out I had kids, she asked right off if I was married. Plus, my situation is easy enough to look up online, or she could’ve asked our mutual friend. Autumn has a lot to risk by getting involved with a married man—and I don’t think she would’ve taken the gamble.”
I finally make it back to the sofa and sit down. “How do I get past what I’m feeling?”
“Only you can answer that, Julius. I can’t tell you how to feel.”
“Am I wrong to feel this way?”
Eileen sets her tablet on the coffee table and then folds her hands in her lap. “Your wife asked for a divorce. You didn’t go to counseling or try to work things out. To you, the marriage was over. You moved on, which you’re allowed to do. Whether you date one person or many, sleep with one or all, it’s your business. You answer to you at the end of the night. If you feel like you’re in the wrong, stop and take a step back. Do you want to know what I think?”
I chuckle. “That’s why I’m here, right?”
Eileen smiles. “Yes, in a nutshell.” She leans forward, resting her elbows on her knees. “I think you look at Autumn and are afraid she’s going to be like Elena. In the back of your mind, she’s going to cheat if you get too serious and you’ve put a mental block up to protect yourself. You don’t want to get hurt.”
“No, I don’t.”
“Tell me, have you cried since all of this happened with Elena?”
I shake my head.
“I have an assignment for you. I want you to go home, stand in front of the mirror and talk about how you feel...and I want you to cry. Just let it out. Crying is good for the soul. It helps us heal.”
“Cry?” I question.
“Yes, I want you to at least try. And I want you to talk to Autumn, let her know what you’re going through. It’s important to be upfront with her or anyone else you’re involved with.”
“Yeah, I should probably call her. I’ve been avoiding her since we slept together. I know she’s worried.”
Eileen stands and ushers me to the door. “Communication is key, Julius. I’ll see you next week.”
“Thanks, Eileen.” I step out into the waiting room and then out into the hall. I pull my phone out of my pocket and text Autumn. I hope you forgive me for being absent these past two days. I had some things to deal with. I send the text and put my phone away without waiting for a response. If I were her, I wouldn’t respond.
Twenty-Seven
Autumn
I feel stupid for sleeping with Julius. For letting my physical attraction take over. I should’ve listened to my mind and heart because deep down, I knew neither of us was ready. It’s one thing to have a one-night stand, but it’s entirely another thing to think you have a connection with someone, do the deed, only to have them ghost you. This is exactly what Julius has done. He’s playing the part of Casper like a Hollywood A-Lister, and I’m just along for the ride.
I pick up my phone and look at the text from Camden. When I received it the other night, I thought my eyes were deceiving me. Weather channel has an opening. I gave your name to my boss. Send resume ASAP! The job is all but yours!!!! I don’t want to believe this can be real. There is no way the job of my absolute dreams is dangling in front of me. It’s been my goal from the start to make it to the national level, to be in front of millions of people, broadcasting worldwide. I’m young, I’m not tied down to anything, and this job would be a dream come true.
My phone rings, startling me. Camden’s face fills the screen. It’s a picture I took at graduation, the last day I saw him. We went our separate ways that day and had long since broken up but remained close. We both knew he wouldn’t be able to commit to a relationship with how much traveling his job required. At first, it hurt. When we started dating, I thought we’d be in it for the long haul. But even when I saw the signs that he wasn’t, I stayed, which was dumb on my part.
“Hey,” I say after I press the accept button and turn on the speakerphone. I’m in my dressing room, with the door closed, and don’t expect any interruptions.
“Hey yourself,” he says. “How’s Portland?”
“I love it.” Although, after Julius left the other night, not so much. I don’t know why I expected him to spend the night, but I did. I wanted to move from the couch to my bedroom and make love to him again. But when I asked him to come to bed, he told me he had to leave. “Why do I sense hesitation in your voice?”
I glance up and look at my reflection. There are bags under my eyes, something I will have to hide with a copious amount of concealer and foundation. These are from a lack of sleep and energy. I didn’t run yesterday or today because my mind is hosting its own marathon, and I couldn’t drag my sorry ass out of bed.
“You don’t,” I tell Camden. “Just surprised to hear your voice.”
“Well, when you didn’t text me back right away, I started to worry. Then, before too much panic set in, I figured you were busy and had an erratic schedule being the new person on set. However, it’s been a few days, and I’m starting to worry. Is everything okay?”
I close my eyes and drop my head toward my chest. Camden has always been preceptive, except when it came to our relationship. He always knew when something bothered me but had the hardest time figuring out why we were breaking up when we meshed so well.
“Everything is good. I was at a cocktail party when your text came in, and honestly, I just forgot to respond when I got home that night.”
“Party with the bigwigs?” he asks with a hint of humor in his voice.
“Peyton Westbury,” I tell him. “We’ve grown close since I moved here, and she and her husband have me over often.”
“See, I knew Portland would be good for you. How’s the rain?”
I look around my walled-in dressing room, wishing I could see the outside. “It’s been raining for days, but I honestly don’t mind it. It’s better than snow.”
“And what’s Portland like?”
“The fall has been beautiful. When I arrived, everything was still in bloom. My apartment is right on the waterfront, and there’s a paved path for people to use—lots of green space, food vendors, and a ton of artists. Portland has a great vibe. I stay close to my apartment. I’ve walked to work a few times, but like with any city, there needs to be a massive clean-up.”
“So, about this job?”
“Yeah, what can you tell me about it?” While this would be my dream job, when I received his text message the other night, I wasn’t interested because I let my feelings for Julius cloud my judgement, but now . . . Now, I feel like I need to do what’s best for my career and ignore my heart. It was a mistake getting involved with a recently separated man. Camden goes on to tell me about the job. The most enticing part is I’d be working with him. We’d travel to most of the locations together, setting up on opposite sides of the cities we’re in to give viewers a broad scope of whatever weather phenomenon is happening. The only thing he can’t tell me is what I’d be paid, which I knew. Camden would not know that.
“What do you think?”
“I think,” I say, then pause to inhale. “It’s exactly what I’ve dreamed of.”
“Yes!” I imagine Camden doing some sort of fist bump when he says this. His enthusiasm makes me smile.
“I’ll send my resume over in a few minutes. Thank you, Cam.”
“Of course. When I saw the posting, I told my boss that I knew the right person for the job. I swear, it’s yours if you want it.”
“I do want it, although I hate to leave here. Leon has been so amazing to me, but I also don’t want to pass up the opportunity.”
“I know what you mean,” Camden says. “But I think Leon would understand if you took a national job. These don’t come along too often.”
I agree with him, and after a few more minutes of chatter, we hang up. I chance another look in the mirror and notice there’s some life to my face. My cheeks
are pinker, and my eyes seem brighter. The bags are still beacons though, reminding me why I feel the way I do.
After hanging up with Camden, I send my resume off without any hesitation. I’d hate to leave Leon after everything he’s done for me, but Cam is right—a job like this doesn’t come along very often, and I need to seize the opportunity presented. Being a national weather correspondent is what I want. I want to be where the storms are, standing in the parking lot while a category four pushes toward the mainland.
I head over to Lisette’s office and ask her to come to my dressing room, telling her I need some assistance with my make-up. She comes over and tells me to sit, and starts working on my face.
“I’ve never seen you like this. Are you ill?”
With a broken heart, yes. “I haven’t slept well the past few nights.”
“Drink some tea before you go to bed and take a long hot bath. The hours you keep aren’t always good for your body and definitely not for the soul. Leon keeps all of you so busy with appearances, fundraisers, and charity events. He needs to cool his jets on the marketing.”
Oh, how I wish I could tell her my extra job duties didn’t bother me and that I allowed my heart to get involved with the wrong man. “I’ll be fine tomorrow,” I tell her as she works on my face.
Lisette has me look in the mirror. She covered my bags flawlessly, and I look like a whole new person. Too bad, I don’t feel that way. “The ratings for last week are in,” she says as she stands behind me, playing with my hair. “We have more viewership in the eleven o’clock hour than we’ve had in years. It’s because of you.”
Fourth Down: A Beaumont Series Next Generation Spin-off Page 19
