I just needed to get my other phone and check something before I lost my damn mind.
I finally blurted out the only other thing I could think of in that moment. “Condoms.” I swallowed past my unease, and pointed at the door.
Charlie’s blue eyes darted to the door before locking on me. “You’re going to get condoms,” she said in the same tone.
I could feel the one in my wallet as though it weighed ten pounds. For the first time since I found the journal, I took a steadying breath, and met her gaze straight on as I told her the only truth I could right now. “Like I said, you make me forget everything, and I know I’d forget again the next time I get close enough to have you. I need to protect you, or else I’ll be no better than he was.”
Her guarded expression cracked, and her face finally softened. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
She dipped her head in a nod. “Yeah. Just let yourself in when you get back.”
Instead of leaving, I took long, quick steps toward her, and brought my mouth down onto hers as I pulled her close.
She melted against me, and I forced myself not to say everything I was thinking.
Please forgive me.
Please don’t be her.
Please understand. . .
“Come back soon,” Charlie whispered against my lips, and without looking at her, I turned and strode for the door.
Despite the twitching in my hands to grab Candy from my center console, where I stashed it most days now, I waited until I was out of Charlie’s driveway and off her street. Then continued to drive until I was near one of the docks at the lake.
I put my car in park and just stared out at the lake for long seconds until I couldn’t stand it any longer, then dug in the console until I found the phone. It felt like I was moving through water as I went to the contacts and opened up Words’s, then pulled out my other phone, and did the same to pull up Charlie’s.
I’d just glanced at Words’s number, so I already knew. But I refused to believe it until I was holding my phones side by side.
My head dropped back against the headrest as dread filled me, and I barked out a curse as I flung Candy across the car. It hit the passenger door with a loud smack and fell to the floor seconds before it chimed.
Then chimed again.
I slowly looked down to where it lay. My chest felt tight and heavy as I tried to tell myself that it wasn’t her.
It couldn’t be her. It had to be someone else.
I leaned over to grab the phone off the floor, and tapped on the screen until the messages were pulled up.
Words.
A brief flash of disbelief and jealousy flared in my chest before I told myself that she might be doing exactly what I would’ve.
I’d been trying to walk away from Words for days, and hadn’t been able to. But I knew without a doubt that if I hadn’t found out who Words was, I would have walked away from her without a second thought after what had happened between Charlie and me tonight.
I opened the message, and that jealousy and disbelief grew and grew as anger simmered in my veins.
Words: Hey, Stranger. Thought you might want to see this.
Below was a picture of a page in her journal. The very one I’d just been holding.
You can’t believe it’s daylight
We stayed up again all night
Talking just cause you like the way I make the words sound
I triple-double dare you
Fess up and make the first move
You need me like I need you
That’s why you come around here
Cause you know I’ve always been the one
With my heart tied behind my back
You can’t help it when I look at you like that
Don’t deny it cause we both know
I could love you with my eyes closed
I could love you with my eyes closed
Who listens to your sad songs
The shoulder that you cry on
Out on that ledge you walk on
When you’re sinking
Who keeps your secrets locked up
When there’s no one you can trust
I know it’s much more than just wishful thinking
Just say the words and you know I’ll be there
With my heart tied behind my back
You can’t help it when I look at you like that
Don’t deny it cause we both know
I could love you with my eyes closed
I could love you with my eyes closed
I clenched the phone so tightly in my hand, I was sure I would break it.
I got it now . . . who she’d started writing about. Ben. Because there’d never been anyone else for Charlie than him until I’d finally seen what I should have long ago.
But I also knew she’d changed the song to start writing about me. Well, Stranger, for her.
And right now all I could see was that part where she talked about her heart and loving him.
Was it possible to be jealous of yourself?
Was it possible to be mad that your girl was in love with you?
When she didn’t realize that it was you, and thought it was another man entirely, the answer was yes.
I shoved my car into gear and took off away from the lake without thinking about what I was about to do.
I was back at Charlie’s faster than I should have been, and though I knew I needed to calm myself down, each step closer to her door had my anger growing hotter.
The door was unlocked and I flung it open easily, and I only spared a second to glance in the direction of Keith’s room to make sure I didn’t see or hear him before storming into Charlie’s room.
The smile that had been lighting up her face immediately fell when she noticed my anger, and though she called my name, I didn’t respond.
My eyes scanned her room for the journal that was no longer on the nightstand. As soon as they landed on it, I walked over and snatched it up from where it sat next to her on the bed, and didn’t miss the way she reached for it, trying to stop me, as though she was afraid of me having it.
“Deacon, give that to me!” she said quickly, her tone full of worry.
“You and your words,” I sneered.
Her head snapped up. “What did you just say?” she asked breathlessly.
I slammed Candy on top of it and thrust both at her. “An hour,” I growled when she took them from me. “Not even. I was inside you not even an hour ago, and you’re already sending this shit?”
“What is this?” she asked in a shaky voice. “Whose phone is this?”
I leaned forward and planted my hands on the bed so my face was directly in front of hers. “You gave me your heart, Charlie Girl, yeah? Or did you give it to Stranger? Or maybe someone else that I don’t know about.”
Dread filled her eyes. “How . . . how do you know—”
“I made you mine. I’m pretty sure I wanted to continue making only you mine for the rest of my goddamn life, and it’s you who can’t choose just one person?”
“No.” Her head shook stubbornly. “No, you don’t know what you’re talking about!” She held the phone up, and asked again, “Whose phone is this, Deacon?”
I pushed away from the bed and ran my hand through my hair as I took a step away from her. A frustrated huff burst from my chest that she was refusing to see what was happening. “Mine!” I snapped when I faced her again. “It’s mine, Charlie. I’m Stranger, you’re Words. Don’t you fucking get it?”
“No, this isn’t your phone. That isn’t—I have your num—you don’t talk to me the way—I thought he was—” She quickly cut off her frantic rambling, and leaned away from me when I bent close to her again.
“Thought he was who?” I demande
d. When she only shook her head, I yelled, “Who, Charlie, who the fuck did you think you were falling in love with?”
“You!” she cried, and her blue eyes welled with tears. “I fell in love with you, but you can’t be him—”
“You sure about that?”
“—you can’t be Stranger!”
“Then tell me who is!”
“I thought it was Graham!”
I stumbled away from her and the bed as if her words had been a physical blow to my chest.
Her confession mixed with my demand, both lingered in the space between us and louder than I could handle in the silence that now filled her room.
I staggered a step away from her, and then another, before I turned toward the door. Just as fast, I turned back around. “You thought you’ve been talking to my best friend, and this entire time, all I’ve been able to see was you?”
“No, that’s not it. That’s not what I meant. I always pictured you, but it was the things—”
“Save it, Charlie,” I whispered, my tone bordered on a plea.
“Will you let me talk?”
I lifted my arms to my sides, then let them fall. “Why? So you can drive that knife into my chest a little more?” I laughed softly, but there was no humor behind it. “You know, I couldn’t figure out why it was so hard to even consider walking away from Words, but I get it. I fucking get it now because I never would’ve been able to walk away from you.” Before . . . I mentally added.
“You knew . . .” She murmured when I started to back up again, her tone now filled with suspicion. “How long have you known, and how long would you have let it go on if we hadn’t had sex tonight?”
“Tonight.” I nodded toward the journal, still in her hands. “I saw it when you went to go check on Keith. Don’t try to turn this around to something I did when I’ve been trying to walk away from Words for nearly a week. I knew when I came after you tonight that walking from her was exactly what I was going to do. And what did you do?” My lip curled as I stared her down. “You told who you thought was another guy that you loved him as soon as I left your damn bed.”
“No!” she whispered, horrified. “No, that’s not true. That’s not who the song was about!”
“Bullshit, Charlie!” I roared. The loud boom of my voice made her jump, and tears fell from her eyes.
“I’m telling you the truth!”
I pointed at the phone, and yelled, “Don’t forget, I’ve been present for every fucking conversation.”
“The chorus was about you, Deacon! I was going to tell him that I was done tonight once I sent him the rest of the song!”
I sneered a laugh. “Oh bullshit. Again, Charlie, save it. I’m done.”
“Is this what you’ve been waiting for?” She asked to my back, and I heard the bed shift as she got off it and her footsteps as she followed me. “To get me in bed, and then use this as your reason to leave me? Use this as a reason to do what you do best: find someone else to fill your bed?”
I paused, and stared straight ahead as I spoke through gritted teeth. “I’ve spent the past month and a half doing everything to get you to trust me and see the real me because I wanted you more than I’ve ever wanted anything, but, yeah, you’re right, Charlie. Fucking you then leaving you has been my plan all along.” The mocking in my tone was thick and unmistakable.
“You just wanted me because I didn’t willingly throw myself at you.”
“How’d you know?” I pressed as I slowly turned, and grinned lazily to give her what she so clearly needed to see from me. I ignored the hurt and the anger and the betrayal on her face, and stepped close. “Too bad for you I won’t stick around. Maybe you can trick another bastard into getting you pregnant before he smartens up and leaves you too.”
I caught her wrist in my hand before her palm could connect with my face, and forced myself to stare into her tear-filled eyes as her chest hitched with a silent sob.
“You’re such an asshole,” she choked out.
I leaned close until my lips were at her ear, and whispered, “And you’re the biggest tease of them all, Charlie Girl.”
I released her, and stepped slowly away. My expression remained hard and taunting until I hit the doorway, and then I cracked. I let her see everything I was feeling, everything she’d done to me. Just before I left, I said, “Just in case you’re not used to seeing someone else doing it: this is what walking away looks like.”
Chapter Nineteen
Charlie
July 22, 2016
I DIDN’T SEE him.
I didn’t hear from him.
No one spoke about him.
He didn’t come into Mama’s.
He was gone, completely removed from our lives in a way that was impressive considering the size of our town and how often I had seen him before all of this had begun.
In his absence I felt a loss unlike anything I’d thought I would feel again.
Not only had I lost the first man I had fallen in love with since Ben, but I’d also lost the only man I’d ever been able to talk to without judgment or reservation.
It made me want to rip my heart back from Deacon’s grip. It made me want to hide it away from every man in the world. It made me want to hate him for what he had done to me, for what he had done to my son.
I’d found Keith sobbing in his room after Deacon stormed out of the house two and a half weeks ago, and he’d been quiet and distant ever since. He didn’t want to talk superheroes, he didn’t want to talk about ladybugs or Darth Vader, he didn’t want to talk about anything, really.
I wanted to hate myself . . .
Because if it weren’t for both Deacon and me, my son wouldn’t still be moping like he’d lost his best friend.
I jerked when I felt someone kiss my cheek, and focused my eyes on Grey pulling at the book in my hands.
They’d come over for breakfast, but had only watched me while we ate, waiting for me to tell them something I wouldn’t. So I’d cuddled up with Keith on the couch after, and grabbed my book that sat on the coffee table in an attempt to do something other than sit in the uncomfortable silence, but I didn’t know how long ago that was.
I’d forgotten they were there.
“You haven’t turned the page the entire time you’ve been sitting here, Charlie. Are you ready to talk yet?”
I released my grip on the book and sighed. “No.”
All Jagger or Grey knew was that I’d yelled at Deacon at the LaRues’ Fourth of July party, and that he’d left not long after I had.
They didn’t know how he’d come over to take care of Keith. They didn’t know the beautiful way we’d come together that night, or how we’d fallen apart not long after. I didn’t know how to tell them. I didn’t know how to tell anyone when I couldn’t even figure out how it had all crumbled beneath my feet.
I had envisioned Stranger as Deacon, but had been positive that they were two separate people. So much so, that it was still so difficult to let myself believe that they were one and the same, even though all the evidence had been thrown in my face that night.
Grey gripped my hand in hers; her eyes darted up behind me to where I could feel Jagger’s presence. “We’re going to take Keith home with us so you can have today to yourself to do whatever you need to. Sleep, run errands . . .” She drifted off, then hesitantly said, “Go see Dea—”
“Don’t,” I pled. “Please don’t.”
Irrational, betraying heart.
She paused for a second, then dipped her head in a nod. “Okay. Call us when you’re ready for Keith to come back, or just come pick him up.”
I stood with her, and wrapped Keith up in my arms as we all walked toward my front door. I whispered my love for him, then let him follow Grey and Aly out the door, purposefully avoiding Jagger’s eyes.
“Why won�
��t you tell us what happened?” he finally asked when he realized I wasn’t going to look at him.
“Because there’s nothing to tell.”
“Charlie . . .” He sighed. “Charlie, we’re worried about you. I’m worried about you.”
“Why?” My eyes flashed to his. “You got what you wanted.”
I turned and walked toward my room without giving Jagger a chance to respond, leaving him standing at my door, knowing he would eventually leave.
I HATE THIS place, I thought to myself two hours later.
I would never understand why Grey and Jagger loved going there. Keith, I knew, was too young to fully understand what that place meant, and I wondered if he would still love going there as the years went on.
But even though Keith wasn’t with me, and despite the way seeing them made me feel, I’d brought fresh flowers for Ben because I knew my son would have demanded them.
After I replaced the flowers that Keith and I had brought during our last trip to the cemetery, I sat down in front of Ben’s headstone, and just stared at it as if I were staring Ben down himself.
Minutes came and went before I broke the silence in the one-sided stare-down.
“I never figured out why Grey always told me to come talk to you. She thought it would help, I thought it sounded like reopening old wounds. Wounds I didn’t want to feel or see or face. But I think I might understand now. Maybe, I don’t know . . .” I trailed off, and let my eyes wander around the other graves.
“Or maybe I just know now why it sounded like absolute torture to try before. Because before, I was still waiting for you to come back and love me when you never would. Before, I was upset with you and mad at you, but still hopelessly in love with you. Before . . . before, I was too blind to see that you never deserved me or the way I loved you.
“I messed up, Ben. Dea—he and I were probably doomed from the start. We don’t . . . we don’t fit, his life and mine.” My voice wavered for the first time, and I tried to swallow back the emotions that threatened to come pouring out. “But even if we could have worked, I wouldn’t let us. I kept waiting for him to mess up. I kept waiting for him to turn back into the guy I’d grown up with—because the guy I grew up with? That guy would do exactly what you did to me.”
Show Me How Page 19
