Tales, Speeches, Essays, and Sketches

by Mark Twain

  The feller took the money and started away; and when he was going out at the door, he sorter jerked his thumb over his shoulder—so—at Dan‘l, and says again, very deliberate: “Well,” he says, “I don’t see no p’ints about that frog that’s any better’n any other frog.”

  Smiley he stood scratching his head and looking down at Dan‘l a long time, and at last he says, “I do wonder what in the nation that frog throw’d off for—I wonder if there ain’t something the matter with him—he ’pears to look mighty baggy, somehow.” And he ketched Dan’l by the nap of the neck, and hefted him, and says, “Why, blame my cats if he don’t weigh five pound!” and turned him upside down and he belched out a double handful of shot. And then he see how it was, and he was the maddest man—he set the frog down and took out after that feller, but he never ketched him.

  The resemblances are deliciously exact. There you have the wily Boeotian and the wily Jim Smiley waiting—two thousand years apart—and waiting, each equipped with his frog and “laying” for the stranger. A contest is proposed—for money. The Athenian would take a chance “if the other would fetch him a frog”; the Yankee says: “I’m only a stranger here and I ain’t got no frog; but if I had a frog I’d bet you.” The wily Bœotian and the wily Californian, with that vast gulf of two thousand years between, retire eagerly and go frogging in the marsh; the Athenian and the Yankee remain behind and work a base advantage, the one with pebbles, the other with shot. Presently the contest began. In the one case “they pinched the Boeotian frog”; in the other, “him and the feller touched up the frogs from behind.” The Boeotian frog “gathered himself for a leap” (you can just see him!), but “could not move his body in the least”; the Californian frog “give a heave, but it warn’t no use—he couldn’t budge.” In both the ancient and the modern cases the strangers departed with the money. The Bœotian and the Californian wonder what is the matter with their frogs; they lift them and examine; they turn them upside down and out spills the informing ballast.

  Yes, the resemblances are curiously exact. I used to tell the story of the Jumping Frog in San Francisco, and presently Artemus Ward came along and wanted it to help fill out a little book which he was about to publish; so I wrote it out and sent it to his publisher, Carleton; but Carleton thought the book had enough matter in it, so he gave the story to Henry Clapp as a present, and Clapp put it in his Saturday Press, and it killed that paper with a suddenness that was beyond praise. At least the paper died with that issue, and none but envious people have ever tried to rob me of the honor and credit of killing it. The “Jumping Frog” was the first piece of writing of mine that spread itself through the newspapers and brought me into public notice. Consequently, the Saturday Press was a cocoon and I the worm in it; also, I was the gay-colored literary moth which its death set free. This simile has been used before.

  Early in ’66 the “Jumping Frog” was issued in book form, with other sketches of mine. A year or two later Madame Blanc translated it into French and published it in the Revue des Deux Mondes, but the result was not what should have been expected, for the Revue struggled along and pulled through, and is alive yet. I think the fault must have been in the translation. I ought to have translated it myself. I think so because I examined into the matter and finally retranslated the sketch from the French back into English, to see what the trouble was; that is, to see just what sort of a focus the French people got upon it. Then the mystery was explained. In French the story is too confused, and chaotic, and unreposeful, and ungrammatical, and insane; consequently it could only cause grief and sickness—it could not kill. A glance at my retranslation will show the reader that this must be true.

  [MY RETRANSLATION] THE FROG JUMPING OF THE COUNTY OF CALAVERAS

  Eh bien! this Smiley nourished some terriers à rats, and some cocks of combat, and some cats, and all sort of things; and with his rage of betting one no had more of repose. He trapped one day a frog and him imported with him (et l’emporta chez lui) saying that he pretended to make his education. You me believe if you will, but during three months he not has nothing done but to him apprehend to jump (apprendre a sauter) in a court retired of her mansion (de sa maison). And I you respond that he have succeeded. He him gives a small blow by behind, and the instant after you shall see the frog turn in the air like a grease-biscuit, make one summersault, sometimes two, when she was well started, and re-fall upon his feet like a cat. He him had accomplished in the art of to gobble the flies (gober des mouches), and him there exercised continually—so well that a fly at the most far that she appeared was a fly lost. Smiley had custom to say that all which lacked to a frog it was the education, but with the education she could do nearly all—and I him believe. Tenez, I him have seen pose Daniel Webster there upon this plank—Daniel Webster was the name of the frog—and to him sing, “Some flies, Daniel, some flies!”—in a flash of the eye Daniel had bounded and seized a fly here upon the counter, then jumped anew at the earth, where he rested truly to himself scratch the head with his behind-foot, as if he no had not the least idea of his superiority. Never you not have seen frog as modest, as natural, sweet as she was. And when he himself agitated to jump purely and simply upon plain earth, she does more ground in one jump than any beast of his species than you can know.

  To jump plain—this was his strong. When he himself agitated for that Smiley multiplied the bets upon her as long as there to him remained a red. It must to know, Smiley was monstrously proud of his frog, and he of it was right, for some men who were traveled, who had all seen, said that they to him would be injurious to him compare to another frog. Smiley guarded Daniel in a little box latticed which he carried by times to the village for some bet.

  One day an individual stranger at the camp him arrested with his box and him said:

  “What is this that you have then shut up there within?”

  Smiley said, with an air indifferent:

  “That could be a paroquet, or a syringe (ou un serin), but this no is nothing of such, it not is but a frog.”

  The individual it took, it regarded with care, it turned from one side and from the other, then he said:

  “Tiens! in effect!—At what is she good?”

  “My God!” respond Smiley, always with an air disengaged, “she is good for one thing, to my notice, (à mon avis), she can batter in jumping (elle peut batter en sautant) all frogs of the county of Calaveras.”

  The individual re-took the box, it examined of new longly, and it rendered to Smiley in saying with an air deliberate:

  “Eh bien! I no saw not that that frog had nothing of better than each frog.” (Je ne vois pas que cette grenouille ait rien de mieux qu’aucune grenouille). [If that isn’t grammar gone to seed, then I count myself no judge.—M. T.]

  “Possible that you not it saw not,” said Smiley, “possible that you—you comprehend frogs; possible that you not you there comprehend nothing; possible that you had of the experience, and possible that you not be but an amateur. Of all manner (De toute manière) I bet forty dollars that she batter in jumping no matter which frog of the county of Calaveras.”

  The individual reflected a second, and said like sad:

  “I not am but a stranger here, I no have not a frog; but if I of it had one, I would embrace the bet.”

  “Strong, well!” respond Smiley; “nothing of more facility. If you will hold my box a minute, I go you to search a frog (j’irai vous chercher).”

  Behold, then, the individual, who guards the box, who puts his forty dollars upon those of Smiley, and who attends (et qui attend). He attended enough longtimes, reflecting all solely. And figure you that he takes Daniel, him opens the mouth by force and with a teaspoon him fills with shot of the hunt, even him fills just to the chin, then he him puts by the earth. Smiley during these times was at slopping in a swamp. Finally he trapped (attrape) a frog, him carried to that individual, and said:

  “Now if you be ready, put him all against Daniel, with their before-feet upon the same line,
and I give the signal”—then he added: “One, two, three—advance!”

  Him and the individual touched their frogs by behind, and the frog new put to jump smartly, but Daniel himself lifted ponderously, exalted the shoulders thus, like a Frenchman—to what good? he could not budge, he is planted solid like a church, he not advance no more than if one him had put at the anchor.

  Smiley was surprised and disgusted, but he not himself doubted not of the turn being intended (mais il ne se doutait pas du tour bien entendu). The individual empocketed the silver, himself with it went, and of it himself in going is that he no gives not a jerk of thumb over the shoulder—like that—at the poor Daniel, in saying with his air deliberate—(L‘individu empoche l’argent s‘en va et en s’en allant est ce qu‘il ne donne pas un coup de pouce par-dessus l’épaule, comme ça, au pauvre Daniel, en disant de son air délibéré.)

  “Eh bien! I no see not that that frog has nothing of better than another.”

  Smiley himself scratched longtimes the head, the eyes fixed upon Daniel, until that which at last he said:

  “I me demand how the devil it makes itself that this beast has refused. Is it that she had something? One would believe that she is stuffed.”

  He grasped Daniel by the skin of the neck, him lifted and said:

  “The wolf me bite if he no weigh not five pounds.”

  He him reversed and the unhappy belched two handfuls of shot (et le malheureux, etc).—When Smiley recognized how it was, he was like mad. He deposited his frog by the earth and ran after that individual, but he not him caught never.

  It may be that there are people who can translate better than I can, but I am not acquainted with them.

  So ends the private and public history of the jumping frog of Calaveras County, an incident which has this unique feature about it—that it is both old and new, a “chestnut” and not a “chestnut”; for it was original when it happened two thousand years ago, and was again original when it happened in California in our own time.

  April 1894

  Pudd’nhead Wilson’s Calendar

  FROM Puddn’head Wilson

  There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by ridicule, howsoever poor and witless. Observe the ass, for instance: his character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler animals, yet see what ridicule has brought him to. Instead of feeling complimented when we are called an ass, we are left in doubt.

  Tell the truth or trump—but get the trick.

  Adam was but human—this explains it all. He did not want the apple for the apple’s sake, he wanted it only because it was forbidden. The mistake was in not forbidding the serpent; then he would have eaten the serpent.

  Whoever has lived long enough to find out what life is, knows how deep a debt of gratitude we owe to Adam, the first great benefactor of our race. He brought death into the world.

  Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.

  There is this trouble about special providences—namely, there is so often a doubt as to which party was intended to be the beneficiary. In the case of the children, the bears, and the prophet, the bears got more real satisfaction out of the episode than the prophet did, because they got the children.

  Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.

  Let us endeavor so to live that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry.

  Habit is habit and not to be flung out of the window by any man but coaxed down-stairs a step at a time.

  One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

  The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.

  Consider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a young June-bug than an old bird of paradise.

  Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.

  It is easy to find fault, if one has that disposition. There was once a man who, not being able to find any other fault with his coal, complained that there were too many prehistoric toads in it.

  All say, “How hard it is that we have to die”—a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live.

  When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.

  There are three infallible ways of pleasing an author and the three form a rising scale of compliment: 1, to tell him you have read one of his books; 2, to tell him you have read all of his books; 3, to ask him to let you read the manuscript of his forthcoming book. No. 1 admits you to his respect; No. 2 admits you to his admiration; No. 3 carries you clear into his heart.

  As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.

  Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear—not absence of fear. Except a creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely a loose misapplication of the word. Consider the nea!—incomparably the bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage. Whether you are asleep or awake he will attack you, caring nothing for the fact that in bulk and strength you are to him as are the massed armies of the earth to a sucking child; he lives both day and night and all days and nights in the very lap of peril and the immediate presence of death, and yet is no more afraid than is the man who walks the streets of a city that was threatened by an earthquake ten centuries before. When we speak of Clive, Nelson, and Putnam as men who “didn’t know what fear was,” we ought always to add the flea—and put him at the head of the procession.

  When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know have gone to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.

  The true Southern watermelon is a boon apart and not to be mentioned with commoner things. It is chief of this world’s luxuries, king by the grace of God over all the fruits of the earth. When one has tasted it, he knows what the angels eat. It was not a Southern watermelon that Eve took; we know it because she repented.

  Nothing so needs reforming as other people’s habits.

  Behold, the fool saith, “Put not all thine eggs in the one basket”—which is but a manner of saying, “Scatter your money and your attention”; but the wise man saith, “Put all your eggs in the one basket and—WATCH THAT BASKET.”

  If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

  We know all about the habits of the ant, we know all about the habits of the bee, but we know nothing at all about the habits of the oyster. It seems almost certain that we have been choosing the wrong time for studying the oyster.

  Even popularity can be overdone. In Rome, along at first, you are full of regrets that Michelangelo died, but by and by you only regret that you didn’t see him do it.

  July 4. Statistics show that we lose more fools on this day than in all the other days of the year put together. This proves, by the number left in stock, that one Fourth of July per year is now inadequate, the country has grown so.

  Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession. You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy officials have gone by.

  Thanksgiving Day. Let all give humble, hearty, and sincere thanks, now, but the turkeys. In the island of Fiji they do not use turkeys; they use plumbers. It does not become you and me to sneer at Fiji.

  Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.

  It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horse-races.

  Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution. Take the case of any pencil sharpened by any woman: if you have witnesses you will find she did it wit
h a knife, but if you take simply the aspect of the pencil you will say she did it with her teeth.

  He is useless on top of the ground; he ought to be under it, inspiring the cabbages.

  April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three hundred and sixty-four.

  It is often the case that the man who can’t tell a lie thinks he is the best judge of one.

  1894

  Pudd’nhead Wilson’s New Calendar

  FROM Following the Equator

  A man may have no bad habits and have worse.

  When in doubt, tell the truth.