by C. L. Stacey
“I’m not the one playing guessing games here,” he pointedly states. “You wanted to talk to me, Lexi. Why do you want me to guess why? Why are you walking away?”
“Because I’m upset!” I shout in his face.
“Because?”
I pick my foot up and stomp on one of his, causing him to double over, then I free my arm once his grip loosens enough to allow it. “Because you’re a bad friend, that’s why!” The words, fueled by my pent-up anger, fly from my mouth.
Jackson picks his head back up when the pain subsides. “Is that why you’ve made a new friend in Caleb? Because you’re mad at me for being a bad one?”
“Will you please get over the fact that I came here with Caleb? It’s a smidge annoying.”
“No.”
“Why the hell not?”
“Because Caleb Carlisle is not good company to keep,” he states.
“Funny, considering your company invested in his.”
Jackson turns his head to look out the glass, and it casts just enough light over his face to make the twitching along his jawline visible. “I’m sorry. Let me try that again.” He turns back to me. “Caleb Carlisle is not good company to keep… if you’re a woman. The man’s got great work ethic, and I trust that I made a smart decision when investing in his company. But I wouldn’t trust him with my friends. Not for a second.”
“You mean your women friends,” I correct him.
He nods. “That’s exactly what I mean.”
I breathe a laugh when turning my back to him, and his footsteps fall in behind me as I make my way to the center of the room, taking in loads more of my tea through the straw.
There’s a white doughnut-shaped sofa with a tall, buttoned backrest in the center, and the flat surface at the top serves as a table for drinks. I consider setting my glass down on it, but I don’t. I finish the rest of what’s left in it first, waiting for that slurping sound when I’ve reached the bottom of the cup, then I set it down with a loud clank.
I pick my hands up, hiking them on my hips, and I glare at him hard.
“Still upset?” he asks in a tone meant to test me. “Or is that your drunk face?”
Just a month ago, I was defending Jackson to Caleb. Now I stand here finding it necessary to defend Caleb to Jackson. I’m sure Caleb has given plenty good reason for someone to judge him so harshly, but he’s been nothing but kind to me—or as kind as Caleb Carlisle can be.
“You are not a good person,” I tell him, slurring my speech a little. He doesn’t argue back. “I don’t know Caleb well, yet, but I gather he’s nice enough. I’m a pretty good judge of character. Seven out of ten times I’m usually right, and those are pretty good odds, so you really needn’t worry about me.” I plop down on the cushioned bench after having said my piece.
Jackson slowly makes his way over, taking a seat next to me on the bench. I can just feel his gaze burning a hole through the side of my face. I avoid the urge to look up. He’s trying to intimidate me, but I won’t let him.
“Seven out of ten, huh?” he asks in a condescending tone.
“That’s right.”
“That’s horrible, Lexi. That leaves a thirty percent chance where you end up being dead wrong about someone.”
I shrug. “Only a person that falls within the thirty would know.”
“Okay.” He nods. “I accept that. But how do you know Caleb doesn’t fall within that thirty, too?”
“I don’t.”
“Then why bother with the risk?”
It really is no surprise that Jackson has no friends. And until tonight, it really was no surprise I only had three. He and I think the same. Why bother with the risk? I’m so afraid of being disappointed in people that I don’t bother letting them all the way in unless they show promise. He doesn’t want to bother with the risk at all, so he ends up with none.
“Aren’t you sick of it?” I whisper. I take in a steadying breath when warm tears spring to my eyes.
Don’t cry, I command myself. If they fall with Jackson here to witness it, I will be humiliated.
“Sick of what?”
“Choosing to be alone to avoid getting hurt.”
Something passes over his face when registering my answer. That same sad look he gets whenever he looks at me.
Feeling brave enough to confront him this time, I ask, “Why do you keep looking at me like that?”
The look vanishes, any trace of proof disappearing within a split second, and Jackson sits up straighter, putting more distance between us. He doesn’t bother acknowledging the question.
I straighten up too, taking a finger to brush my bangs aside. “Great, so I’ll be going, then.” I begin to stand.
“Lexi…” My name leaves his mouth in the form of an aggravated sigh.
“No,” I interject. Jackson looks up with those sad grey eyes, and I can just see the struggle behind them.
If I didn’t know any better, I’d believe he was asking me to stay. But I do know better. I know that Jackson prefers to be alone. Maybe for a minute, he let his guard down and decided he could use a friend, but our month apart proves that that is not at all the case.
“You asked me a question, I will give you an answer. I believe you can benefit from it, so I advise you listen.” And he does, I now have his undivided attention. “Why bother with the risk, you ask? The better question would be why not? I get why you live the way you do, because I’ve been living life the same exact way, Jackson. But ask yourself something… is that really living?”
His back is pressed against the buttoned column behind him, and he continues to watch me as I pace the floor in front of him, his eyes following me as I move back and forth.
“Yes, people can be disappointing. Yes, people can be cruel. Yes, some of the people we place our love and trust and faith and hope in sometimes go back on their word and leave us behind. Life sucks!” I say through gritted teeth. “But no matter what we do to try and skate on by, life will continue teaching us lessons we never asked to learn. Shutting yourself out from the rest of the world won’t shelter you from the hurt, Jackson. It only fills you with loneliness, a void you can never fill on your own, and that also goes for the man who has everything!”
He breaks his silence. “So this is your way of beginning to live your life again? Coming out to a club with a group of people you barely know?”
“I’m almost twenty-three years old, do you have a better idea?”
“Why with Caleb?”
Caleb, Caleb, Caleb.
That last mention of his name is enough to finally make me snap. “Why not with Caleb?” I shout. “I came here to have a good time, to share a few drinks with the guy. Not to fuck him!” Darkness flickers in his eyes at the sound of that, and I can’t help but take the opportunity to pry. “What the hell is with you two? Why do you hate each other?”
“I don’t hate him.”
“You just don’t want me hanging out with him,” I say when I realize the selfish point he’s trying to make.
“Yes, that’s right,” he answers outright.
I hike a hand over my hip, the other coming up to rest on my forehead, and I pray to the good Lord for the patience I need not to strangle this man. “Have you been listening to a word I said? Or are you still so stuck on the fact that I came here with Caleb to have given me this one conversation I used to try and break through to you?”
“I was listening,” he claims, but it’s difficult for me to believe when he’s so fixated on one useless point. “I just know that he will hurt you, Lexi. If you allow yourself to get too close to him, he will.”
“Everyone deserves to be given the benefit of the doubt.” Just as he begins to shake his head, I cut right back in. “I gave you a chance, didn’t I?” Then he freezes, his eyes now filling with regret. “I’m given one chance to live this life right, and I’ve been doing it all wrong these past few years. So until he gives me reason to doubt, I’m giving him the benefit. I have to learn to let people in, Jackson. Y
ou should, too.”
I leave him there in the dark room, alone like he prefers to be, and I return to Caleb.
When Daniel called me with his nightly report, informing me that he clocked Lexi leaving her place with Caleb fucking Carlisle—of all the people in the world—I had him come collect me straight away.
I came here with plans to return her home. Imagine the state I’m in now. I’m seething with rage. She expects me to leave here empty-handed.
I hate to lose. I never lose. At least, I never did—until I met her. Now I’m lucky if I ever win one.
She is the most difficult woman I’ve ever met, the only one to ever make me feel this crazy. With her I have no control. I’m too busy fighting to keep her in the dark that I have no power over anything else.
She’s a risk.
As much as I would love to ignore what’s true, I can’t seem to outrun it. I am standing here in the middle of a fucking nightclub, aren’t I? She’s a risk that my heart—despite my will for it not to—is curious about and continues to urge me to explore, even when I’m sure of the disastrous outcome.
The last night we spent together, eating Chinese and watching cartoons… it felt like a window was finally opened to me, one that exposed me to possibilities of a future that didn’t include me living this miserable life in exile. Then I saw Eli’s picture on her nightstand, a symbol of my past regrets, reminding me of everything I don’t deserve. And I ran.
This long month has been grueling. I deprived myself of her company, time with her that I’ve come to enjoy, and need. I have missed her, more than I care to admit. So to give myself peace of mind, I had Daniel look after her. Because that I refused to give up. I could never give up knowing. I will never stop needing to know if she’s okay.
I went over this moment a thousand times in my mind, the moment I got to see her again. I wasn’t expecting her to be happy with me after a month’s time of radio silence. I fully expected her to make me work to earn back her trust. What I wasn’t prepared for was to see her with him. Not here. Not tonight. Not in that red dress she claims she put on to come out here and live a little. Not with him she’s not, I won’t allow it.
God, I was so mad when I got that call from Daniel. I couldn’t just stay home and do nothing. The thought of them together, and then the sight to confirm it, was wildly unsettling.
Lexi says that Caleb’s just a friend, and I believe her, I have no reason not to, but she doesn’t know him. She thinks I was obsessing over the exact wrong point during our short-lived conversation, but to me, it was the only point that mattered.
After she said everything she needed to get off her chest, she did what she does best and walked away. Didn’t bother to stick around to hear me out. She’s shown me her back one too many times. I feel more familiar with it than I do her face, and I hate it.
What do I do now?
I’d be stupid to go after her, she’s too angry with me. She doesn’t want to speak to me right now.
My hands rake roughly through my hair when I get to my feet. They don’t make their way for the door just yet. I have to prepare myself for the right thing to say once I face her again. I can’t go in unprepared again. She’ll just tear me in half.
My feet carry me back to glass walls, and I stare out at the jumbled mess of bodies downstairs. “Jesus,” I mutter on a deep exhale. What the hell am I doing here?
I’ve never liked clubs too much. I did some business here from time to time, but I hated it. Ellie loved them, always has. She loved to dance. I, for one, hated getting stuck in the crowds. How the hell does one breathe in the middle of all that?
I stop with my useless inner ramblings when my eyes zero in on Lexi. She’s in the middle of the dance floor with Bethany, having a grand ol’ time.
Two things set me off. First, there’s no Caleb in sight. He brought Lexi here. He’s responsible for her. Second, I see two men I don’t recognize engaging them. My presence drove Lexi to drink more than she can handle; she was pretty drunk when she left me earlier.
I admit that I’m a paranoid person, but this situation’s no good.
Here I go again. All control out the window, and me out the door.
My feet don’t fail me, taking long, even strides toward the stairwell. The steps ahead don’t slow me down as I am practically flying in my urgent state to get to her.
Once I reach the landing of the second floor, I come to a halt when I catch a glimpse of Caleb through the wide entrance of the lounge we were in before. I change course, heading straight for him, and I’m furious to find him occupied with some nobody.
They are locked at the lips, the girl too eager to be the one currently holding his attention. There’s no way he noticed Lexi’s absence. I doubt he can see anything past this one’s fucking head.
The girls probably got sick of their heavy PDA and left in search of something more worth their time.
“Move!” I bark at the man seated at the end of the booth. Then I reach out, my fist gripping Caleb by the shirt as I rip him from the girl, forcing him to look me in the eyes.
Everyone at the table is quick on their feet, not wanting to get caught in the middle of a scuffle if it were to come to it.
“What the fuck, Anderson?!” Caleb growls at me.
“You are responsible for the person you bring with you, Carlisle. Where the fuck is Lexi?” I roar, and just as I expect him to, he looks to his left, at the empty seats they aren’t in.
“She’ll be back, they told me they were going together to take a piss! What the hell is wrong with you, let me go!” He fights me off.
“Yea? Well, they lied to you. They’re down on the dance floor, you fucking idiot!” I shove him hard against his chest. “There are two men down there trying to get them to dance. Need I explain what could happen when they decide to buy them drinks?”
My own words serve as a reminder of the urgent problem I’ve yet to tend to, and I turn to exit the room.
I decide Caleb isn’t completely useless when I hear things rattling and rolling around on the table in his hurry to climb over everything to get out of the booth.
“How long have they been down there?” Caleb asks when catching up to me, folding his sleeves halfway up his arm.
“You’re fucking asking me?” I clip. “How long have they been gone?”
An exasperated sigh passes through his lips. “I’m not sure,” he answers me honestly.
I try and calculate the time my conversation with Lexi ended and the exact moment I located her from the private room upstairs. It’s been thirty minutes, at least. Thirty minutes I wasted being angry. I should have fucking gone after her.
We shove past the bodies that get in our way, looking around as we barrel through. It’s so much easier to look down from two floors up; finding her from the ground floor in this mess will be fucking impossible.
A young redhead gets in my way, saying something to me as if I can hear anything, or simply care. All I see is someone obstructing my view ahead, so I kindly push her aside. I can’t see a damn thing. People are scattered all over the damn place, some are even jumping up and down to the music.
I want to scream.
“You better pray to fucking God I find her in time, Caleb!” I shout over the music. He looks almost as pissed as I do, his eyes still focused on searching for the girls.
The club was mostly dark, the only light provided was from the light show up above, colorful beams swinging across the space and skating over the crowd.
I’ve had enough. I’m one more accidental shoulder bump away from taking my rage out on the wrong person.
Needing a different vantage point from higher ground, I head to the nearest table and work my way to the top, kicking glasses and bottles off the cluttered surface. I imagine I’ve pissed a few people off in doing so, but I can’t hear a damned thing.
My eyes scan quickly. Left, right, back, straight again, checking each and every corner.
“Do you see them?” Caleb calls
up to me.
“Give me a minute!” I continue searching. Then they land on the two guys I notice from earlier. Both have their arm around the same girl, a girl in a red dress, and they’re making their way toward the exit. “Found her!” I call down to Caleb. Where’s Bethany?
“Where?” Caleb’s head swivels the wrong way.
I hop off the table just as Bethany comes rushing up to us, frantic. “Some guys are trying to take Lexi home!” she yells over the music.
I hear Caleb ask her where, but I already know where, and I’m headed that way. Fast.
The two men almost reach the door, but I get to them first. I grab the one closest to me by the shoulder and deck him.
“What the fuck, man?!” The other guy steps up to me to defend his friend, but Caleb comes charging in without warning, like a raging bull, head-butting the asshole down to the ground for me.
“Jackson?” Lexi breathes my name, disoriented and off-balance. She can barely hold herself up.
Without both the guys there to act as support, Lexi loses her footing. I step around Caleb with my arms stretched out for her to fall into, and she does. I immediately drag her out the doors with me, and I try to get her to walk, but I’m getting mostly dead weight.
“Lexi, try to stay awake. Tell me what’s wrong,” I plead with her, using my other hand to lightly smack her awake.
She groans. “I don’t feel so good.”
“Did you accept a drink from those guys?” My question comes out rushed, hoping to get as much as I can out of her before she loses consciousness.
It doesn’t matter how fast I speak, or how simple I keep the question. None of what I’m saying is making any sense to her.
“What’s happening?” she whispers up to me, clutching onto my shirt for balance. “I feel so sleepy, Jackson. What’s wrong with me?”
“You four, move!” I bark my command at the group of people who are occupying the bench just outside the club. They scurry out of the way, freeing the space for me when they see me toting Lexi around.
The doors shove open when Caleb and Bethany come to join me outside. “What happened, Bethany? Tell me everything.”
