by C. L. Stacey
My eyes grow rounder at the sound of his question. “No, should I?”
You really don’t remember me?
The question is enough to raise goosebumps on my skin. When did I ever meet him? I would remember a guy like Jackson. His face isn’t the kind you just easily forget. If you meet him, you notice, and you commit that shit to memory.
Jackson’s response doesn’t come right away after I tell him no, but it does pull his focus, momentarily taking him away from this conversation. He is physically here, but his mind is elsewhere.
“I just swore to you that I wouldn’t lie,” he finally breaks his silence.
“Yea,” I say carefully.
“But I’m warning you, you may not like what you hear. You might get mad.”
“Why?”
He follows with a loud sigh. “It’s easier if I go back to the very beginning.”
“Please do, I’m very confused.”
Jackson nervously runs a hand over his mouth, his eyes looking past me. “We should sit somewhere,” he suggests.
When I bend at the knees, getting ready to take a seat on the sand, Jackson reaches out to catch me by my arm.
“Not here, you’ll get yourself dirty.”
“I don’t—”
“I won’t take you inside, we can sit out back.” He gestures toward the furnished deck behind his house.
“Fine,” I agree, following beside him. “You can start now, we have a little way to go.”
Jackson gives me a sidelong glance before returning his gaze straight ahead. “You wanted to know when you came into the picture?” he asks.
“Yes.”
His head moves in a nod, and I make sure to keep up with his longer strides so I don’t end up missing anything. “I got the call in the middle of the night from my sister, she was an intern at California Hope at the time. She was hysterical. I remember sitting up in bed, ready to fly out the door. When I asked what was wrong, she told me that Ellie’s been in an accident. That’s it; she wouldn’t offer me more. I left right away. I got there, and…” He pauses, the side of his cheek pinching inward as he bites the inside of it.
Out of reflex, I reach for his hand, squeezing it encouragingly.
Jackson squeezes back, keeping my hand in his when he continues with the story. “Jessica led me to a room where Ellie was waiting. I didn’t know what to expect when following her. I thought maybe she’d be hooked up to a bunch of machines or something, but what I wasn’t expecting to see was the cot in the middle of the room, sheet drawn over her body, over her face. She was already gone. I was too late. The baby didn’t make it either. I failed him, too.” He pauses again. I see the pain take over his face, distorting his handsome features. Tears prick my eyes when I feel a painful rip in my heart. “I flipped the entire room upside down, I was so pissed off at myself, at everyone, at Ellie.”
When I get a clear picture of the scene he laid out for me, I shake my head and squeeze his hand again. “Oh, Jackson…” I whisper, my mind taking me back to the night I found him in his office, tearing everything apart.
“I stumbled out of the room, still trying to process my loss but not really coming to terms with it. The cop was asking me questions I wasn’t in the right mindset to answer. I couldn’t hear a word he was saying to me… then I heard you.”
“Me?”
Jackson nods. “When I asked him, he confirmed that you were one of the victims from the car Ellie hit, the only one that survived the accident. I ran to you, to the trauma room you were in, and I watched you through the window.”
“You were screaming out in pain from when the doctors were trying to assess your injuries. All I could make out at the time was the name Eli. The rest I couldn’t understand, you were too upset. I told Jessica that I wanted face-time, she said no, not until after you got out of surgery.”
“I waited there all night, and that’s when I saw Harper for the first time. She was a mess. I kept my distance from her and your parents, and I watched as she threw the most epic fit I’ve ever seen, yelling and ordering the doctors around, demanding that they ‘hurry the fuck up’ when she couldn’t stand to just wait around any longer.”
“When you finally came out of surgery, Jessica informed me that you did very well and that you were in recovery. Again, I asked to see you, but she advised I wait until you woke up, to get permission from you directly. I agreed that that was best, and I waited some more.”
“The entire time I was there, all I could think about was how relieved I was that at least one person survived my mistake. It was the exact moment I swore to myself that I would look after you for the rest of your life, in any way that I could, for as long as I could help it. Then when you finally woke up—”
“I refused to see you,” I whisper, piecing the rest together myself.
Jackson nods again. “Jessica saw the disappointment in my eyes, and she tried to explain that you were in a very sensitive place while mourning the death of your boyfriend, and that I should understand why you wouldn’t want to see me. Which I did, I understood completely why you rejected my request. But that wasn’t good enough for me, so I did something stupid.”
When I stop walking, Jackson stops with me, but he doesn’t stop talking.
“As soon as Jessica got called away somewhere, I went looking around for you. I found someone’s lab coat and slipped into it. Your family had gone off somewhere when I came into your room. I played the role the best I could, asked you some of the standard questions I could think of at the time, to which you gave one-word answers before turning away from me on the bed, then I apologized for your loss, and you started to cry all over again. I wanted to say more, to tell you who I was, but I saw that coming into the room was a mistake. You were suffering from too much at the time, and I didn’t want to add onto that. I should have listened to my sister.”
“Jessica yelled at me pretty good when she found out what I did, said that you could’ve decided to sue me, or something along the lines of that.” Jackson shakes his head like he’s clearing the thought from his mind. “Before I left the hospital, Jessica asked if I wanted her to forward my information to your family. I told her to ask you, one last time, if you had any interest in meeting the person who’d done this to you. She told me you refused again. So I told her to forget about it, and then I ordered her to forward all your hospital bills to me directly. I told her that you didn’t need to know where exactly the help was coming from, just that the other family asks that you let them take care of everything, including Eli’s funeral arrangements.”
“You’ve always been in the picture, Lexi. You were the picture. I was there for you the night of the accident, and I never let you out of my sight ever since. I kept tabs on you while you were in New York, too.”
That raises a flag. “New York?”
Jackson takes a step back when I step threateningly into his space. “Yes.”
“How—” I step toward him, and he takes another step back. “How the hell do you even manage that? You live here.”
“Yes, I do.”
“Alfred lives here.”
“He does.”
“So, how?!”
“I know a guy.”
“You know a guy?” I bring a hand to my forehead, and Jackson flinches when he mistakes the act for something else. Something more abusive, I imagine. “What kind of stuff did your guy find out for you?”
“Just…” Jackson swallows nervously, “everything.”
“Like?”
“How else can I say this? Everything,” he repeats the word a different way, but it tells me absolutely nothing. “He updated me on how you were doing at school, your life outside of school—”
“Like what?”
“Lena Durev,” he answers.
“Lena?” I spit back at him.
“She’s a highly valued designer at the Runway Company. I asked that she, as a personal favor to me, find a place to bring you on as an intern for her upcoming line.”
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“But my professor—”
“Was Lena’s contact,” he fills in the blanks for me. “I checked her out, of course, but I had no direct relation to that professor.”
When I don’t say anything right away, Jackson scrambles to think of a way to steer the conversation back into a neutral zone. “My one rule to starting this stalking-your-life thing was to honor your one wish, to never make contact. I never meant for us to meet. Then you boarded the elevator at that party I had you invited to, and God, Lexi, I couldn’t—” He stops talking when he sees me shake my head at him.
“Oh, my God…” I say through my teeth. “You invited me to that?”
Guilt settles over his features. “When I found out about the trouble you’d been having with landing a job after returning to the city, I thought attending that party might help.” He watches me cautiously, waiting for me to react. “Are you mad? You’re mad.”
I shake my head at him again before storming off, and Jackson follows me. “So you are responsible for getting me this job,” I accuse him.
Jackson stops following me, his hand wrapping over my arm to stop me, too. “It depends on how you look at it, I guess. But you’d be wrong. I only had you invited to the party, Lexi. That was it. The rest you made happen on your own. You’re good at what you do. Stephanie speaks highly of you.”
Tears spring to my eyes as I sort through all the facts, one by one. “Is there any part of my life since the accident that you haven’t touched?”
“No.”
I drop my chin to my chest and burst into tears without warning. Jackson tugs me forward, but I shove against his chest, knocking him a few steps back.
“You moron!” I shove him again.
Jackson holds his hands up, stumbling back each time he lets me shove him. “I will not apologize to you for any of it. I have no regrets. I knew of the consequences, but I didn’t care.”
On a frustrated cry, I shove him again. “No contact?” Shove. “I’ve lived every day of my life since the accident with so much anger and resentment in my heart! All this time you let me do it alone!” My legs give out and I fall to my knees, then I bring a hand up to stifle my sobs.
Jackson reaches down to grab me by my arms, lifting me back to my feet. Without giving me a chance to reject him again, he pulls me into his embrace. “I warned you that you’d be mad.” His hand comes to cradle the back of my head. “No contact is what you wanted. I thought I was doing the right thing by you when I chose to keep my distance, Lexi. I’m sorry that you had to go through all of this alone. You’re right, I’m a moron.”
There’s more I’d like to add to that. I want to shout things, to throw things, to just strangle him, but I don’t. I could take a few days, weeks, or months to think about what I already know the answer to, but I won’t. Because what would be the point in that? He’s been punishing himself all this time, so what do I have left to punish him for?
Time is a gift, and it’s never to be taken for granted. It’s given to you without any promises. You can’t gain more than you’re given, but you can run out without warning.
There’s no time to waste on being petty. If you know what you want, you need to reach out and take it.
I pick my arms up and hold onto him, the only man I want to spend the rest of my time with.
I’m lying on the patio sectional, staring up at the stars, while Jackson runs his fingers through my hair. My mind is everywhere at the moment, not taking even the shortest moment to rest. I think about Eli. I think about Ellie. I think about the night of the accident. I think about everything Jackson and I went through to get here.
“Come back to me,” Jackson’s plea fills my ears. When I turn my eyes up to look at him, he’s already watching me. “Where’d you go?”
“Just thinking.”
“About?”
“Everything,” I say absently.
“Tell me.”
“My head’s a jumbled mess right now, nothing I say will make much sense.”
“Try me.”
I sigh up at the sky and try my best to organize my thoughts. “I was thinking about the accident…”
“Go on.”
The vision of the sky blurs when my eyes brim with tears. “Eli was the only boy I’d ever been in love with, Jackson. He was everything to me. When I watched him slip away from me, I wanted to die.”
Jackson noticeably tenses beneath me, his fingers stilling in my hair. “Lexi…”
I sit up and turn to face Jackson. “Ellie was the woman you were supposed to spend the rest of your life with. She was carrying your child. You must have been devastated to lose them.” I wipe my tears away and clear my throat. “Yet you were always there for me… I heard you tell me that earlier, but I didn’t understand it until I got our entire story.”
“Well…”
“When did you find time to grieve your loss? Where did you find the strength to take care of someone else on top of yourself?”
Jackson’s fingers squeeze around mine, his brows pinching together as he stares down at our joined hands. “I did what I felt I needed to do, Lexi. Sometimes, it’s just as simple as that.”
My tears spill over again when I shake my head from side to side. “My heart didn’t just break when I found out that I lost my best friend, it shattered. I completely came apart. Little did I know that you, someone just as broken as I, were selflessly working to pick up the pieces…” I weep and laugh, like a crazy person, as Jackson watches me with those sad grey eyes. “I’m a dumbass.”
“Pardon?”
“You already had my heart in your hands. It may have been a complete mess by the time it came into your possession, and in these past few months, I may have said and done a lot of stupid shit to cut you against the shards, but regardless of that, you’ve been taking care of it all this time. For five fucking years my heart was with you, I just didn’t know it.” I throw my hands up in the air as if I’ve just discovered something brilliant. “I fucking love you, Jackson!”
Jackson first stares at me in shock, totally unprepared for the way I’ve just declared my love, then his hand comes to cup the back of my head, pulling me to him until our lips come crashing together.
Next thing I know, we’re on our feet, and Jackson’s walking me back.
“Tell me again,” he demands between kisses.
“I love you,” I say against his mouth.
And I do… I really do.
We run into almost everything, and we nearly stumble over when I run Lexi into one of the end tables.
“Shit, I’m sorry,” I mumble an apology, but I don’t break the kiss. Lexi giggles into my mouth, squealing loudly when I pick her up into my arms to carry her to my room.
I set her back down on her feet when successfully getting us to the bed, and both our hands come to claw at the other’s clothes, making it easier to roam and explore. Each touch grows hungrier than the last; massaging, pinching, grabbing at each other’s flesh, pulling to press up against each other as if close just isn’t close enough.
My breath catches in my throat the moment I feel the touch of her fingers brush against my skin, trailing from my chest to my stomach, then down further where she teases the waistband of my briefs.
“Wait.” I stop her, gently pushing her down onto the bed. “Let me look at you. Lay back.”
Lexi does as she’s told, using her hands to scoot up further, leaning her weight back against them so she can stretch her legs out in front of her, crossing them at the ankles.
Perfect.
My gaze lifts from her legs to the delicate lace of her panties, and my mouth spreads into a grin when I come to notice her interesting choice in color. “I thought you hated black.”
My playful remark makes her chuckle. “Oh, these?” Lexi doesn’t even bother to look down at them before walking on her knees to where I am still standing at the foot of the bed. Then she brings her arms up around me, and my hands naturally come to rest just above her hips. “I w
ore these for you.”
I bring my hand up to unhook her bra, and her hands shoot up as soon as it drops to the mattress. “What are you doing?”
“It’s been a while. It feels weird being naked in front of someone.”
“How long has it been since you’ve been with someone?” I ask.
“Eli,” she answers. “You?”
“Ellie.”
Her eyes go big. “You’re kidding.”
I shake my head. “Didn’t have the time. I was too busy looking after you.”
“Everyone makes time for sex—if they want it bad enough.”
“I didn’t. Want it bad enough, I mean.” She looks at me like she’s still having trouble believing what I’m telling her. “If I don’t want the woman, I don’t want her in my bed. What’d you think I meant when I told you that you were the first woman I’d seen in a while?”
Her eyes point to the ceiling as she takes a moment to think about what I just said. “Oh…”
“Lexi,” I call her back to me.
“Yea?” She blinks out of it.
“Get on your back.”
“Okay.” She scoots back to the head of the bed before laying her head to rest against the pillow.
“Do you trust me?”
“Implicitly,” she says to the ceiling.
“I don’t have a condom, I have no reason to carry them around with me, and I just told you why.”
It’s silent for a few beats before she asks, “I get annual check-ups, do you?”
“Yes.”
“And you’re not planning to sleep with anyone else anytime soon, are you?”
“Lexi.” My tone holds no humor.
She chuckles. “I trust you, come here.”
I climb into bed, and she brings her knees up before wrapping them around my waist when I get close enough. I’m on my knees, my hands gliding up her thighs until my fingers grip the edge of her underwear. “I like these.” I pull on them.
She smiles, unhooking her legs from my waist to lift her hips, helping the flimsy fabric slide off easier. “Thought you might.”
