Even Sinners Still Have Souls

by Joy, E. n.

  "Well, let me get it for free," he had the nerve to say. "And if I don't make you feel good, I'll pay you the money after we finish."

  Rodney's words made me feel dirty and disrespected. I tried to keep my composure but couldn't. "Joker, if you don't get yo’ funky butt up outta here, talkin’ mess. Now I done told you once I don't have sex for money. If you can't understand that, I don't know what else to tell you," I shouted. I caught the attention of Amir, one of Benny's bouncers. He ran over to see what the commotion was about.

  "You alright, Pure?" Amir asked me while glaring down Rodney the entire time.

  "Amir, get this fake Billy Dee Williams wanna be up outta my face," I ordered.

  Amir grabbed Rodney by the arm and escorted him to the exit. “Oh, it’s like that?” Rodney spat at me. While looking over his shoulder at me he mouthed, "It ain't over."

  After Amir made sure Rodney was good and gone, he walked back over to me. "You sure you okay?" he asked, moving the other strippers who came to check on me out of his way.

  "I’m fine," I replied. "I'm about to go on home."

  "You need a ride?" Amir asked me.

  "I'm cool. I'm not thinkin’ about Rodney," I said in an invincible tone. I smiled at Amir and headed toward the exit.

  "Pure," Amir called out. I turned around to face him. "Be careful," he said. I smiled again and headed out the door.

  As I walked down the half dark alley. I started getting paranoid while replaying Rodney's words. I picked up my pace. As soon as I walked past an abandoned garage, something told me to look back, and when I did, I saw the silhouette of a man. I took off running and so did he. Right when I thought I was getting away, he took a dive and knocked me to the ground.

  "I told you it wasn't over," Rodney said as he climbed on top of me and tried to choke the life out of me. He began beating me upside my head until I was nearly unconscious. I laid with my eyes glued shut, hoping he would stop hitting me. Rodney must have thought I was dead because he loosened his grip from around my neck and ripped off my shorts. What luck; for the third time in my life, a man chose to take what I wanted to keep. I kept my eyes closed, pretending to be dead as Rodney talked to me.

  "See, all you had to do was let me pay you for this stuff, now I'm gettin’ it for free, you stingy broad. I’m tired of you hoes always tryin' to keep this stuff all to yourselves," Rodney said as he foamed at the mouth.

  Rodney began pounding my insides out while making that annoying whimpering sound he made when I gave him lap dances. I tried one last time to give this man my mom called God, a chance to help me, but He never appeared.

  "Hey, what are you doing?" I heard someone yell before passing out.

  I knew Rodney must have beat the sense out of me when I thought for one moment that that could have been the voice of God.

  Chapter Eleven

  As I tried my hardest to wake from the horrible dream I was having, my body begged for a pain killer. I slowly opened my eyes. It didn’t dawn on me at the time that I was not at home. I tried to sit up, but to no avail. My body felt like I had just been hit by a semi truck.

  "Benny," I called out with all the voice I had left in me. I then tried again to sit up, but it was useless.

  "I see you're finally up." A man walked into the room carrying a pill bottle, a glass of water, and a bowl of soup on a tray.

  "Who are you?" I asked nervously and confused. My mind told me to get up and run, but my aching body told me otherwise.

  "I'm Stanley," he replied, sitting the tray down on the night stand.

  "What are you doing in my room?" I asked in a demanding tone.

  "Actually, you're in my room." He laughed.

  I looked around at the unfamiliar surroundings. "How did I get here?"

  "You've been here sleep for the past two days," he said. This man had a kind face. It wasn't so much his words or expression, but an inner peace that seemed to radiate from within him that was keeping me calm.

  "Two days?" I asked confused.

  “Yeah, you’ve been drifting in and out.” Stanley explained to me how he had been walking down the alley the night Rodney beat and raped me. He said that when he asked Rodney what he was doing, he jumped up and took off. Stanley told me that he tried to run after Rodney, but the man ran like he was Jessie Owens’s little brother. The more Stanley talked the more that night started coming back to me. He told me how he picked my lifeless body up off the ground and carried me to his house and nursed me the best he could. Stanley said that he wanted to take me to the hospital, but he was too afraid that they might accuse him of the terrible crime that Rodney had committed against me.

  "Daddy, I see the lady is up," a young girl about the age of nine walked into the room and said.

  "Yeah, sweetheart, she's awake."

  The little girl walked closer to me. "What's your name?" she asked.

  "Hayden," I answered. "What's yours?"

  "This is my beautiful daughter, Jayla," Stanley answered with a proud smile. Stanley grabbed the pill bottle and opened it up.

  "That's a pretty name," I smiled at the girl.

  "Thanks," she said.

  "Come on, Jayla, let Hayden get some rest," Stanley said to his daughter.

  "Bye, Hayden." Jayla waved and walked out the room.

  "Bye, Jayla." I waved back but she was already gone.

  Stanley stuck a Percocet into my mouth, helped me sit up, and placed the glass of water to my lips. I took a long sip and swallowed the pill. Stanley then laid me back down and asked me if I was hungry. I shook my head, and before I knew it, I was back in dream land where I was free from all my pain and worries.

  I ended up staying at Stanley's a total of four days. I had him call Benny to let her know that I was safe and that I would be home as soon as I healed. Stanley told me that at first, Benny vehemently protested me staying with a man that I barely knew. He said he had to give her his full name, address, where he worked and some of his kin folk’s names before she finally gave in to me staying there. Stanley said Benny had continuously insisted she wanted to see me, but he had felt I needed to rest and time to myself. I thought it was funny how overprotective Benny was of me. She acted as if I was her little sister, which was all right with me, being that I didn't have a real one of my own.

  The day I went home, I was still a little sore, but with a couple Aleve, the pain was bearable. I thanked Stanley and Jayla for all they had done for me before catching a cab back to Benny's. Stanley tried to urge me to report Rodney to the police. A stripper’s word against a lawyer's…yeah right!

  Benny was happy to see me, while Sticky just rolled her eyes as usual. I had been through too much in my life to let Sticky's childish games affect me. I walked into my room and took my stash out of its hiding place. I counted it. After making sure it was all there, I put it back in its hiding spot and then lay across my bed.

  "I'm glad you're okay," Benny stood in my doorway and said.

  "Thanks," I replied with a smile.

  "Tsk," Sticky replied on her way to the bathroom.

  I shook my head. "Can you please close my door? I need to rest." I had planned on resting for the next few days before getting back into the swing of things.

  "If you need anything, let me know," Benny said.

  "Thanks," I said, as Benny left, closing the door behind her.

  A year had passed since the horrible night Rodney had raped me. Although I kept hearing Stanley’s words over and over in my head telling me I should report the incident, I didn’t. Like I said, who would believe a stripper’s word over a prominent attorney’s?

  I often thought about Stanley and Jayla and wondered how they were doing. I wish I had at least thought to get their address. By the time I remembered that Benny had had it, she had thrown away the piece of paper she’d written it down on. At times I wanted to call and check on them, but I didn't have a number nor did I know their last name. I asked Benny for his full name, but she acted like she had forgotten it. I know
she remembered what it was; she just didn't want me to call him. A part of me felt Benny was jealous of my continued interest in Stanley.

  I had racked my brain trying to remember where Stanly lived. I lucked up once I was able to reflect back to when Stanley had called the cab for me and was able to recollect the street name he’d given them. I went to the neighborhood and recognized the house. I tried to see if I could catch a glimpse of Stanley or Jayla, only to find out that they had moved. I could have kicked myself for waiting so long to reach out to them.

  Deep down I was saddened by that and couldn’t explain why. I guess in some strange way, Stanley had touched my heart those few days I stayed at his house. The way he spoke was so soothing and kind, it was like he didn't have a mean bone in his body. The tender way he touched me when he helped me get around was so gentle and warm. It was the first time any man had ever made me feel good on the inside. If I ever decided to find a mate, which I highly doubted, I wanted him to have the same characteristics as Stanley.

  My first day back at work, the club was jumping just like any other Saturday night. Money, drinks, and X pills were all flowing throughout the club. I made so much money that night, it was unbelievable. It still didn't compare to the money that Rodney used to break me off. Word on the street was, Rodney tried to rape his girlfriend, but got shot in the process. Too bad the scum-bucket lived.

  "Pure?" one of Benny's female bouncers ran over to me and yelled.

  "What?" I asked, irritated because I was in the middle of giving Eugene, a big time hustler's chick, a lap dance.

  "Benny's drunk butt is outside in the parking lot beating up Sticky," she panicked.

  "So. What y'all want me to do?" I asked as I stopped dancing and turned around. The bouncer, Wife Beater, was standing right in my face. The chick I was giving the lap dance to handed me a measly twenty-dollar bill. I was furious, because she had a fist full of big faces and if it wasn't for Wife Beater interrupting my groove, I would have had the majority of it, if not all.

  "Go out there and help her," Wife Beater suggested. "Benny is whoopin’ her like a man!"

  "How can I help her? I'm a hundred and thirty pounds and Benny gotta be pushin’ at least two twenty-five. Besides, I don't wanna get in that mess. That's between Benny and her woman," I said almost angrily.

  "Come on, Pure," Wife Beater whined.

  "Shoot, you a bouncer and you scared to go help Sticky," I grimaced.

  "It ain't like that. I'm gon' hafta tussle wit' Benny if I go out there, and I don't wanna take no chances on losing my job."

  It sounded good, but I knew the real; Wife Beater was just scared of what Benny might have done to her. Even though Wife Beater was almost as manly as Benny, she wouldn't have stood a chance rumbling with Benny.

  Wife Beater begged with her eyes.

  Even though Sticky didn't like me, I couldn't just stand by and let Benny beat the poor child into bad health. "Come on," I huffed as Wife Beater and I headed toward the parking lot. "This is how people get killed, sticking their noses in somebody else's business," I fussed on the way out the door. When we got outside, Benny nor Sticky was anywhere in sight.

  "Have you seen Benny?" Wife Beater asked a couple of chicks who were hanging outside in the parking lot.

  "Girl, yeah," one responded. "She just drug Sticky in her car and sped outta here."

  "Benny gon' fool around and kill that girl," Wife Beater panicked.

  "Like I said before, that ain't got nothin’ to do with me." I headed back into the club to search for the woman with the fist full of dead presidents.

  Later that night, when I got in from work, I heard a noise coming out of Benny's bedroom that sounded like someone crying. The noise got louder as I walked down the hallway to my room to put my money up. I walked back down the hallway and stopped in front of Benny's room door. I stuck my head in, and Benny was sitting up with her back against the headboard crying her eyes out. At first there were no words exchanged. I just looked at Benny, and for the first time, I saw a lady. All the crotch grabbing, the manly ways, the muscles, and everything else Benny did like a man was all gone. The only thing she looked like now in my eyes was a woman in pain.

  Benny looked over at me with tears streaming down her face. "She's gone, Hayden," Benny cried.

  I walked over to the bed and sat on the edge. "She'll be back, Benny," I said, hoping to ease her pain a little.

  Benny shook her head. "Not this time. She said it was over and she meant it." Benny broke down. I wrapped my arms around her and let her cry out all the pain she had built up inside her. The pain of struggling all her life with how people reacted to her being gay, the pain of her mother and father disowning her once they found out her sexual preference, the pain of how the world looked down on gay relationships, and worst of all, the pain of losing someone she loved.

  Benny cried until she drifted off to sleep. I was so tired; I lay down beside her and fell asleep. I woke up to find Benny spooned behind me, with her arm wrapped around my waist. As I tried to get up, Benny held on tighter, pulling my body into hers. There wasn't much I could do with Benny being bigger and stronger than me. She positioned herself and began grinding on my backside. I tried to scoot over a little, playing it off as her having a wet dream, but when I moved, she moved too. She began grinding on me again. I didn't know what had gotten into Benny, but she knew darn well that I didn't get down that way.

  Benny was breathing heavily as she rubbed up against me. I tried to free myself from her hold, but she was much too strong.

  "Benny, can you please let me go?" I asked, but to no avail. She kept grinding harder and harder. "Benny, stop," I said again, trying to wiggle out of the hold she had on me.

  "Shhh, please, just hold on," she said in a sexy-like whisper that grossed me out. Benny rolled over on top of me and began kissing me rough and hard.

  I turned my head to the side. "Stop, Benny," I screamed as I struggled to get up.

  "Shhh, just hold on a minute," she said.

  "Naw, stop now, Benny," I demanded.

  Benny grimaced and rolled off of me. “I don't know what has gotten into you, Benny," I shouted, getting out of her bed. “You know it ain’t that type of party and it never has been.”

  Benny jumped off the bed and got in my face. "Broad, you the reason why Sticky left me," she shouted. Spit flew all in my face as she yelled. Benny grabbed me, threw me on the bed and climbed on top of me. She began kissing me roughly while tearing at my clothes.

  I done been raped by four different men in my life, like I was some type of magnet to that kind of thing. I’d be darned if I was going to get raped again, and by a woman at that? Oh no, not me.

  I kneed Benny right between her legs as hard as I could.

  "Ooouch," she yelped, rolling off me onto her back. "What you do that for?" she asked, in pain.

  I jumped up from the bed and looked down at Benny with straight disgust. "I told you to stop," I snapped, angrily.

  The pain must have eased some, because before I saw it coming, Benny jumped off the bed and slapped me so hard, I would have sworn before any judge that I saw Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, and Uranus. She then started wailing on me. I couldn't have this. I fought back with every ounce of strength I had left in me. When I felt myself ready to give up, I picked a lamp up from Benny's nightstand and cracked her upside the head. I didn't want to hurt her; I just wanted her up off me.

  Benny grabbed her bleeding head and fell back onto her bed. I ran out of her room and out the house like a bat out of hell. I didn't have to worry about Benny chasing me; she was much too big to run. I didn't look back to find out if she was after me, I just ran until I couldn't run any more. All I could hear was Benny yelling profanities and telling me what she was going to do to me the next time she saw me.

  It seemed like I had been running for hours before I finally realized that I was way on the other side of town. My legs and feet hurt; on top of that, I was hungry. I spotted a diner on the corner and wande
red in. I took a seat at the counter and picked up a menu. It hit me like a ton of bricks when I remembered that I didn't have a dime to my name. My entire life savings was left behind at Benny's.

  "May I take your order?" a waitress resembling Flo from the old sitcom, Alice, asked as she cracked her piece of chewing gum.

  "I'll just have a glass of water," I replied shamefully. The waitress rolled her eyes at me before walking away to get my drink.

  I sat at the counter sipping on water until I heard the birds chirping outside. I sat in deep thought, evaluating my entire life. I thought about John, my mother, Jarvis, Javon, Rodney, Sticky, and Benny; all the people who played a part in hurting me in one way or another.

  "Penny for your thoughts," I heard someone say, breaking my train of thoughts. I looked up and a huge smile formed on my face. Before I knew it, my arms were wrapped around a man I had longed to see again.

  "Stanley!" I squealed, happily.

  "Hey, Hayden." He smiled also. "What are you doing in my neck of the woods?"

  "Just stopping through to get a bite to eat, that's all," I lied.

  "How long ago did you order? Maybe we can have breakfast together," he suggested.

  "I didn't order anything, because I accidentally left my purse at home," I lied again.

  "Come on, I got chu'," Stanley said, leading me to an unoccupied booth.

  Stanley and I laughed and talked as we scanned the menus. After I placed my order, he joked about my hearty appetite. If he only knew.

  "This has been one horrible week for me," Stanley said before sticking a forkful of scrambled eggs in his mouth.

  "Why you say that?" I asked as I devoured my food like a man on death row eating his last meal.

  Stanley took his napkin and wiped the corners of his mouth. He picked up his orange juice and took a sip before speaking. "Ciara, Jayla's mother, went to jail for shooting her boyfriend. He attacked her and she went back to his house the next night and shot him. The guy had lots of money, so he got cleared of the assault charge, but in the process, Ciara got charged with attempted murder."